Thursday, May 20, 2004 |
Oh yea and more family crap too..... came home to my mom crying...... things are just out of control.... 1> I'm not taking any sides right now and 2> I cant share anything here :( Ok... bad night.... bed time.... I hope to God I can sleep...... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, May 19, 2004 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, May 16, 2004 |
Now who is Tanya? Tanya is quickly becoming a very good friend of mine. Her and her almost 4 year old boy, Eli. Over the last week I have spent alot of time with them... and I have enjoyed every moment of it. Tanya has been going through alot of the same stuff that I have. Her ex-husband Chris did very similar stuff to her that Tiff did to me. Its become a very nice release for both of us. We enjoy our time together, talk about our problems, and we have fun doing it. Where is this going? Dont ask that yet.... I dont know. Truth is, im not over Tiff.... the other truth is that Tanya is not over Chris. Im just going to put this in God's hands. I dont know where it will end up.... I actually have to see what Tiff will do in the next few weeks. She has called my mom a couple times. I guess this is just her time to show me how much I meant to her.... I'm not expecting much tho.... Im feeling stronger and stronger each day that Tiff never really did love me. When you love someone you sometimes do put them through pain..... but not what she did to me. And especially not multiple times. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, May 13, 2004 |
Well, thats at least what they told me I should run in my personal ad. I still dont know what to do with that cell phone.... we'll figure it out. "Happy Birthday, Bob. Tiff is here to see you. She wants to be with you forever. She will not hurt you again, and she's got this special day all planned out for you" -- Ok, so yea.... it's VERY wishful thinking.... in about a week, I guess I would like to hear that.... Reality tho.... I dont think Tiff wants me back. She left all of this go way to easily.... if she was able to let go of me that easily, there is no way she would want me back. Would I take her back? I know, I know..... but the answer is... yes...... I love her that much... I love her so much that I would risk being hurt again. HOWEVER... if... and I say IF it does come to that.... there will be some MAJOR demands that I make.... if she loves me, she'll want to follow them. Honestly tho, I'm preparing myself for that to never happen. She wont want to come back..... if she does she wont make the move.... and if she does make the move, she wont want to work with me on my demands.... therefore, I will continue to date other girls like I have been.... Why am I writing this now? I gotta get up at 5:30am.... and I cant sleep..... but yet im tired! *sigh* (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, May 11, 2004 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I still cant understand how she could decide to just throw all of this away. We both put so much into this relationship and both wanted this so badly. I dont understand how one day she can wake up and just say its not what she wants. Something else had to happen... I just wish she would tell me what that was. Often times the thing that hurts worse is not knowing why. I had an appt with Dr. Gaul yesterday. We adjusted my medicine a bit.... hopefully this will help some. I'm trying so hard to piece my life back together. This is not an easy process. I have never put so much into a relationship.... I have never loved anyone like I loved Tiffany.... but I have to realize that that is behind me. I have to accept the fact that Tiff threw it all away. It hurts like hell.... but I have to do it. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, May 09, 2004 |
"Good night my sweetie. I love you too. Sweetest of dreams. I love you so much, he he. I love that feeling I get just sitting and thinking of us. It lets me know how bright our future is. Sorry I'm rambling, goodnight." I just dont get it. Not at all :( I'm not doing well.... please continue to pray for me. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, May 08, 2004 |
Years ago my heart was shattered. Then I started school and met this girl named Tiffany. She came into my life and started teaching me some things. She then started to put my heart back together. She worked very hard at that. She messed up a few times, lost a few pieces but then worked to find them and put them in the right place again. In December she accidently dropped what she had been working on and shattered my heart again. After that she realized that I really needed help and she worked extremely hard to put those pieces back together again. She had my heart complete. She worked on it very hard. She built me up for a time she had planned on my birthday. I thought that that was going to be one of the best days of my life. There was but one piece missing from my heart. She had found that piece. She held that piece in her hand but a couple days ago, she couldnt figure out where it went. Instead of working on finding it, for some reason she gave up and dropped my heart on the ground again and left it in most pieces than it had ever been in. Without any real explanation she made me take the broom, sweep up those pieces and leave. I did so. Now the only times that I feel good are the times that I rely on my mind and not on my heart. I am a person who always relys more on my heart than my mind..... it's one of the things that I have been proud of. But now, any time I rely on my heart, I am reminded of how many pieces that heart is in because I have relied on it entirely too much. I relied on that heart to stay with Tiffany because I started to really believe she could put my heart back together and make me a complete person. Unfortunately the parts of my mind that told me she was going to hurt me again, the exact parts that Tiffany made me ignore, were correct. I dont know where I go from here. I close my eyes at night and I see her face. I have slept three times since we broke up and in each case I had a dream about her coming back to me. I saw IM window after IM window pop on me screen saying "I'm sorry.... I want you back" .... but is it ever going to be a reality? And if it will be, should it be? Where do I go and what do I do? I have worked so hard for something.... harder than I have ever worked for something in my life.... and it has dissappeared. I am pretending to be ok.... but I'm not. Everyone tells me I am strong enough to get through this. I've been through this before. Well, the truth is.... no, I havent. I have never been through this. I've been through similar but I have never seen someone pretend to love so well and then watch it all dissappear without any kind of warning at all. Will I get through this? Probably.... eventually. The truth is I am not well. Nor will I be for quite some time. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, May 06, 2004 |
05-06 [21:55] bobkmertz: I thought we both wanted this 05-06 [21:55] bobkmertz: but I guess we were wrong 05-06 [21:56] Tiffs Wolf Dance: ...I'm such a wreck 05-06 [21:56] Tiffs Wolf Dance: I can't take this 05-06 [21:56] bobkmertz: ok we're done tiff 05-06 [21:56] bobkmertz: we're done 05-06 [21:56] bobkmertz: your phone is shut off... its useless to you.... send it back 05-06 [21:56] bobkmertz: if your not going to talk 05-06 [21:56] bobkmertz: I cant keep fighting 05-06 [21:58] bobkmertz: "I love you Bobby - we can do it!" 05-06 [21:58] bobkmertz: can we? 05-06 [21:58] bobkmertz: well we can 05-06 [21:58] bobkmertz: but will we? 05-06 [21:58] bobkmertz: will you? 05-06 [21:58] Tiffs Wolf Dance: I do love you 05-06 [21:58] bobkmertz: oh? 05-06 [21:59] Tiffs Wolf Dance: how AM I TO TAKE THE PRESSURE 05-06 [21:59] bobkmertz: jims in the picture again? 05-06 [21:59] Tiffs Wolf Dance: this has nothing to do with jim 05-06 [21:59] bobkmertz: what does it then? 05-06 [21:59] bobkmertz: you wont tell me? 05-06 [21:59] bobkmertz: I can only assume 05-06 [21:59] Tiffs Wolf Dance: I'm under so much pressure 05-06 [22:00] Tiffs Wolf Dance: hold on, your mom 05-06 [22:00] bobkmertz: my poor mom 05-06 [22:13] bobkmertz: I didnt realize I put so much pressure on you 05-06 [22:13] bobkmertz: Im sorry.... I'll leave 05-06 [22:13] bobkmertz: I just wish you would have come to me when I did 05-06 [22:13] bobkmertz: ..... so we're back to ignoring me? :( 05-06 [22:13] Tiffs Wolf Dance: I've tried 05-06 [22:14] bobkmertz: ok tiff 05-06 [22:14] bobkmertz: this is the last conversation that we will have.... if we are going to break up, I am going to do it the right way...... 05-06 [22:14] bobkmertz: just make sure you send my phone back to me 05-06 [22:14] bobkmertz: I wish you the best of luck 05-06 [22:15] bobkmertz: God has someone for you 05-06 [22:15] bobkmertz: and someone for me 05-06 [22:15] bobkmertz: we'll find them 05-06 [22:15] bobkmertz: I guess Tiffany Mertz just wasnt meant to be 05-06 [22:15] bobkmertz: ok then 05-06 [22:15] bobkmertz: goodbye 05-06 [22:16] bobkmertz: :( 05-06 [22:16] Tiffs Wolf Dance: :'( 05-06 [22:16] bobkmertz: I guess I couldnt even get a goodbye 05-06 [22:16] Tiffs Wolf Dance: Goodbye Bobby..... 05-06 [22:16] bobkmertz: can you send my phone back tomorrow? 05-06 [22:16] Tiffs Wolf Dance: :'( 05-06 [22:17] Tiffs Wolf Dance: ..... not tomorrow 05-06 [22:17] bobkmertz: this weekend? 05-06 [22:17] Tiffs Wolf Dance: i'll do my best 05-06 [22:18] bobkmertz: I need it within a week 05-06 [22:18] Tiffs Wolf Dance: ..ok 05-06 [22:18] bobkmertz: maybe IM lori and see if she can pick it up 05-06 [22:19] bobkmertz: after this, I do not want you to IM me or call me...... 05-06 [22:19] bobkmertz: if you want to find out about me 05-06 [22:19] bobkmertz: call my mom 05-06 [22:19] bobkmertz: my mom will be there for you 05-06 [22:19] bobkmertz: I cant be 05-06 [22:20] bobkmertz: I wish things were different.... I wish we were getting married liek you.... lied about? 05-06 [22:20] bobkmertz: Id unno 05-06 [22:20] bobkmertz: but anyway 05-06 [22:20] bobkmertz: you've closed that book 05-06 [22:20] bobkmertz: and so will I 05-06 [22:20] bobkmertz: goodbye Tiff 05-06 [22:48] bobkmertz: please change your profile 05-06 [23:13] bobkmertz: I cant believe you did this to me 05-06 [23:13] *** Auto-response from Tiffs Wolf Dance: :'( 05-06 [23:13] bobkmertz: and I wish I could just keep my mouth shut 05-06 [23:13] bobkmertz: but I cant 05-06 [23:14] bobkmertz: two days ago you wanted me to change your phone number so you could stay closer to me 05-06 [23:14] bobkmertz: then this 05-06 [23:14] bobkmertz: I dont understand you tiff 05-06 [23:15] bobkmertz: I dont understand why you do this to me 05-06 [23:15] bobkmertz: I dont understand why you lie about caring 05-06 [23:15] bobkmertz: I dont understand why you wouldnt even just let me talk to you 05-06 [23:15] bobkmertz: I dont understand why you gave my friends a reason to shove everything they ever said in my face 05-06 [23:15] bobkmertz: and why now I have to say I was wrong about everything I ever stood up for you about 05-06 [23:16] bobkmertz: I dont understand why you let me give speeches to everyone about how well we were doing 05-06 [23:16] bobkmertz: how you said things were so much better in the last few weeks 05-06 [23:16] bobkmertz: when really, inside, you hated being with me 05-06 [23:17] bobkmertz: I dont understand why you said you wanted to marry me when really you couldnt handle the pressure that I guess I put on you as a boyfriend 05-06 [23:17] bobkmertz: I dont understand why when before when I tried to break up with you for the sake of you you wouldnt let me beacuse you said you needed me..... when really I *WAS* causing problems 05-06 [23:18] bobkmertz: I cant understand this 05-06 [23:18] bobkmertz: I cant understand why you lie 05-06 [23:18] bobkmertz: and why you hurt 05-06 [23:18] bobkmertz: the person you say/said you love 05-06 [23:19] bobkmertz: and I know you sit there reading this 05-06 [23:19] bobkmertz: and I know that you just want to ignore me 05-06 [23:19] bobkmertz: and pretend that I never exsisted 05-06 [23:19] bobkmertz: and I know that your going to call jim tomorrow and your going to spend all weekend together 05-06 [23:20] bobkmertz: it happened before the day before you got to see Jim every day 05-06 [23:20] bobkmertz: and now its another day where you will soon be with Jim every day 05-06 [23:20] bobkmertz: and it happens again 05-06 [23:20] bobkmertz: its gotta be more than coincidence 05-06 [23:20] bobkmertz: even when you go back to school next year and want to get back with me, I understand that when Christmas break comes again, the same thing will happen so you can spend it with jim (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved
BibleBoy's Blog by Bob K Mertz is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.
