Tuesday, September 30, 2003 |
I'm so fed up with everything.... I just want some things to be different... mom just told me that I have to be at my grandmother's house in the morning to help clean it.... this is ... ahh, im gonna try not to swear. I have to work 2-close tommorow and I like to go out to lunch with Jim and Jason and.... dangit... I need a vacation... I cant wait till december for our ski trip... away from everything.... away from mom and dad, away from the tiff crap... just away from everything.... Ahh yes, the tiff stuff.... tonight when I got home from work I had an IM from her that said "please tell me what that was all about" ... I dont know what to say to her... I'm fed up with the situation... Im tired of things starting to look positive and then falling back to the way they were. I'm really starting to think my friends are right and I'm being played... I dont want to believe that but maybe I just need to realize it and move on. Jim has been trying to convince me to go to this "Equally Yoked" place which is for Christian singles... maybe thats what I need to do. Labels: depression, linkin park, single, ski, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
$> Segmentation fault (core dumped) Labels: quote (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Labels: relationships, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, September 29, 2003 |
Today was an interesting day.... things between me and Tiff are interesting. Im really tired of this entire situation. I love Tiff to death and everything but I just cant be in this position anymore. She says that she wants to be with me... but I see no evidence of that... She believes that I'm her soulmate but she doesnt believe that that means that shes meant to be with me. As for me, I dont know what to think... a month ago I would have swore to you that Tiff was my soulmate but now I just dont know what to think... and then to top it all off after she tells me something she gets all paranoid and now im affraid that she's just not going to tell me stuff anymore. She wants to talk face to face but that just cant be right now.... if we dont talk online, we dont talk at all. She said that she has the feeling that she is replacable in my life... I dont know what to think... no she's not... but then again, where is that going to be in a few weeks. The truth is that if I meet someone else and we really hit it off, maybe that new person will be my soulmate and that then means that Tiff is not. If Tiff is not my soulmate, is she replacable? Well, I guess ultimately yes. I dont want it to be that way... and I dont know if she truly understands that but I just cant be in this "stringing-me-on" position. Whether that is her intention or not, thats whats happening. She says she's praying really hard.... I guess what I need to do is start agressively looking for another girl.... if Tiff and I are meant to be, God will answer her before I find someone.... and if God does answer her and she ignores it, well then, its her own fault... I think God has answered her but she's just waiting for something to magically happen to make this easy on her.... and it just might not happen. We're reading about moses now in our devotions... God promised the israelites freedom from egypt but it got harder and they had to work more before they were set free.... thats where we're at. I think God has answered but its going to take effort before its complete... and unfortunately it's out of my hands.... Tiff is the one who has to stand up and make it happen.... if she doesnt do it, then Im sure God will bless me with someone else. I just have to focus on God right now... I need to get my life in order... God will give me someone... whether it's Tiff or not. I dont have to worry. Well, I have to get up early tommorow to go into the doctors to get blood work done (yea!)... I hate needles... but anyway, I'm going to bed. Please pray for me... I could really use it right now. Labels: bowling, depression, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I'm reminded tonight of when Tiff and I went mini golfing... we had such a good time and it was just a reminder of how much I love doing stuff with her. I really believe that if her and I get married, it will be the perfect marriage. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, September 28, 2003 |
Ok, now that thats out of the way.... what my day was like.... not bad. I slept in and was 15 mins late for work but it wasnt too bad. We actually had a good time at work. It was a bit hectic since we were a little busy and we only had 3 people in the kitchen, but we pulled through and had a good time doing it. Tonight I have really been missing Tiffany. I didnt get a chance to talk to her but I guess I need to get used to that. Her classes start on Monday so our schedules will be even harder to cordinate. I think the time difference might actually be the saving grace though. She should be done with classes and well into the evening before I start work. No new developments though. Things are still looking a little more promising but im not accepting it as fact until its done and over with. My desire is to be with Tiffany, but right now, until (if) im with tiffany, I will remain open to other girls and get to know them. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, September 27, 2003 |
Not too much else happened today.... time for bed tho. Nite nite! Labels: computer connections, linux, windows, work (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, September 26, 2003 |
Labels: tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, September 25, 2003 |
To make a long story short, I was supposed to work at Greengate Pizza Hut tonight from 4 until close. I, of course, was up till 5am last night because I was planning on sleeping at least until 11... well, at 9am my phone rings and its westmoreland pizza hut... apparently not one, but two people called off and matt was all alone in the kitched for lunch..... yes, yes, I went in. So I got to westmoreland at about 10am and worked till 3:45, drove to greengate for 4 and then closed. What a night. We did have fun at greengate tho. The employees at greengate won an award and were spending their money so they pulled me and a server from my store (westmoreland), a cook from greensburg delivery (my home away from my home store) and then a cook and a server from latrobe. It was funny... none of us knew where anything was at... but we made the best of it and had a good time. At least im off tommorow.... lets hope I stay off for tommorow (no one better call off). At least im gonna end up with overtime for all of this. In other news, I still havent got DirectX 9 installed... its really pissing me off... I downloaded a 200+ meg file in hopes that it would correct my problem... it didnt. And Microsoft still has no information on their knowledge base. Maybe its just high time that I rebuilt my computer. So... much.... work! Well, Kelli isnt around.... and im running on 4 hours of sleep and an entire day of work so I guess maybe im gonna go to bed early.... real early for me. Labels: directx, microsoft, pizza hut, work (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I talked to Kelli for a while tonight too. She's still a pretty cool gal to me :) Well, im going to go to bed. Nite everyone! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Labels: directx, microsoft, windows (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
"Because Linux is replicating Unix...Linux plus fee equals Unix. It sort of begs the question of why don't you just run Unix?" --Darl McBride, CEO of SCO. What a moron! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, September 24, 2003 |
Labels: dns, network solutions, registrar, verisign (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, September 23, 2003 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Im convinced that no matter what, my life is going to be confusing. Today some VERY promising things happened with Tiff and that, of course, made me very happy. Why is this confusing? Well, I have already begun the job of "looking for someone else" and in that job I have encountered Kelli. She's a very sweet girl and definately someone I'd like to get to know more. Why couldnt things look promising before I started looking. None-the-less, what happens is what happens. I explained to Kelli what was going on.... I dont even know if things would work out that way between me and Kelli... there is potential but Ive only known her like 2 days... so its hard to say. God has been speaking to Tiff... and that really makes me happy.... my concern is that she fully hears God.... when God speaks to her, I think it will answer alot of questions. Maybe Kelli is in my life now to be a very good friend.... which im sure both of us would be content with. We'll see what happens. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, September 22, 2003 |
New Strong Bad email today! :) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tonight at delivery didnt go too bad... I guess once I get to that place I dont mind it so much... but I would so much rather be at my home pizza hut. I didnt get to talk to Tiff tonight much but I was talking to her through text messaging for a while. I guess there is a little more promising than there was before. God will work it all out. If Im supposed to be with Tiff, it'll happen... if not, someone else will come into my life.... I'm open to either right now. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, September 21, 2003 |
I love it! I just ran across this page on a search for Google. Looks like I'm "striking fear into heathens everywhere". :) Labels: bibleboy (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I cant sleep.... been laying in bed for a while but I just keep thinking of Tiffany. I want to be with her so bad right now. I love her sooo much.... I dont want to lose her. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Labels: tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, September 20, 2003 |
I dont know what state im in right now. I dont know how I feel... I dont know whats best for me. I find myself trapped in addictions and unable to free myself from anything. I cling to the only thing that I cant have. I have been backsliding. I should be above the circumstances im in, but im not. I havent learned from my previous problems and again, I repeat. I often sit back and wonder when this cycle will be broken and then I start to wonder if it ever will. Stuck in this carnal body hoping that some day soon I will leave and meet my Maker. I give God all the glory for my life. I am happy that I have my life and wouldnt wish my life away. Despite this, I still wish that things were different. In a perfect world I would be serving God and displaying His image everywhere I went. In a perfect world I would have that special girl beside me. Not only would she love me and respect me but I would also respect her; and we would be happy. This, however, is not a perfect world. And I guess that we wouldnt have God's grace if this was. Right now I dont serve God all that I could or should. Right now, that perfect girl is not only not mine but she is in another country. Tonight I was explaining my story to someone and she asked me if someone else came along if I would really want to give up Tiffany. My answer in short was yes. My answer in detail after thinking of it becomes much more complicated. Do I want to give up Tiffany? No. But I often feel as though I am forced (or at least going to be forced) to give her up. I have a constant fear that that day is coming. I used to believe so blindly that Tiffany would one day be mine and everything would be perfect. For such a long time I saw evidence of that... and I guess I still do see evidence. But after such a long time you start to question things. I guess this is my way of dealing with the uncertainty. I have, before, really believed that someone was for me -- and I was wrong. I see now that it was a good thing I was wrong in those instances. Someday though, I'm going to be right. I hope that this time I'm right; but I have to prepare myself for the shock that im not. At any time one of two things could happen. Tiffany could break it off with Jim and commit herself to me or Jim and Tiff could set a date for marriage and the relationship between Tiff and I ends. I have to prepare myself for either of those two. I guess I fear the later for two reasons. The obvious: I dont get to cherrish Tiffany as my bride but the other, well, I lose a good friend. Granted, in so many situations I am still extemely good friends with my ex girlfriends... even ones who severely hurt me. I just dont know if I could continue the relationship between me and tiff without the possibility of marriage. The reason? She is too perfect for me. Labels: depression, emotions, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
"Miss You Like Crazy"
Even though it's been so longMy love for you keeps going strong I remember the things that we used to do A kiss in the rain till the sun shine through I tried to deny it but I'm still in love with you CHORUS: I miss you like crazy I miss you like crazy Ever since you went away Every hour of every day I miss you like crazy I miss you like crazy No matter what I say or do There's just no getting over you I can see the love shining in your eyes And there comes a such a sweet surprise If seeing's believing it's worth the wait So hold and tell me it's not too late We're so good together, we starting forever now CHORUS I miss you like crazy I miss you baby Love like ours will never end Just touch me and we're there again Just one night And we'll have that magic feeling like we used to do Hold on tight and whatever comes our way we gonna make it through It seems believing is worth the wait So hold and tell me it's not too late We're so good together, we starting forever now CHORUS And I miss you, I missed you All the tender love you gave me A feeling gets this strong You know the real thing's come along And I miss you I miss you like crazy baby Only your sweet love can save me I miss you like crazy A love like ours will never end Just touch me and we're there again I miss you like crazy I miss you like crazy No matter what I say or do --Natalie Cole Labels: lyrics, natalie cole (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I'm frustrated. I still wish I knew what was going on in tiff's head. I miss her so much but at the same time I wonder if I need to be just growing away from her. She just doesnt seem to want to do enough to keep me. I'm still second best and I dont like that. If she would have just told me she had a boyfriend when I first met her I would have just moved on and wouldnt have had time to get attached. Now I am attached. I guess everything happens for a reason and maybe her and I are supposed to be together.... still, I just wish I had a commitment in my life... whether from her or from someone else. I need that in my life. Labels: tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, September 19, 2003 |
Labels: driving, idiots, pizza hut (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Well, I guess I miss the hurricane... at least I think I missed it... maybe it missed us. Either way, when I got up it was just raining. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, September 18, 2003 |
I did get to talk to tiff today... it was really nice. I miss her alot. At the same time, im happy to be meeting some new people. Maybe one of those new people will become the one for me... maybe not... maybe tiff will remain. I dont know what I hope for... I just hope God reveals to me whats going on soon. The uncertainty is really hard right now. Well, I think I am gonna go to bed. Good night. Labels: tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
"All The Things She Said"
All the things she saidAll the things she said Running through my head All the things she said All the things she said Running through my head This is not enough This is not enough All the things she said All the things she said And I'm all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed They say it's my fault but I want her so much Wanna fly her away where the sun and rain Come in over my face, wash away all the shame When they stop and stare - don't worry me 'Cause I'm feeling for her what she's feeling for me I can try to pretend, I can try to forget But it's driving me mad, going out of my head --Tatu (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Labels: banks, netbank, paypal (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Labels: dsl, hotornot, internet (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, September 17, 2003 |
Today was a pretty good day. Days off of work at like that :) and today was extra special because I got to talk to Tiff. I am reminded again how much I love her. Yesterday at work monica asked "is your girlfriend back yet?" She didnt realize that Tiff had just now left for liverpool. After I told her that she just left I began my ever-so-popular story of how tiff is not my girlfriend. Monica simply looked at me and said "she will be" and then explained the absence makes the heart grow fonder story. I hope that she is right. But this is all left up in the air. Its hard to say what is coming in the next few months let alone the next year. I really wish that tiff was around though. She has been on my mind all night. I love her -- that is the bottom line of this blog. Labels: tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, September 16, 2003 |
RIAA: They suck. Its crazy that they are suing 12 year old girls over the swapping of music. Granted, copyright laws need to be enforced but the music industry is not giving consumers an option. They should be embracing this technology and trying to find ways to make money off of it rather than trying to stop it. The technology is here. No matter how hard they try they are not going to be able to stop it. Why not charge $5 a month for a file swapping blanket license and actually give the artists royalties. I think that the RIAA's actions have given me reason not to purchase any more CDs. They dont deserve the money. SCO: I may not be too well versed on this subject but I think that SCO is trying to cheat their way into profit. In case you dont know, they are suing IBM and other Linux companies because they claim that Unix System 5 code is contained in the Linux 2.4 kernel. For one, SCO just recently received the rights to UNIX, which was first developed (to my knowledge) by AT&T. They simply do not know the history of what they are dealing with. Secondly, they have yet to show code that is in violation. The open source community has the power to fix these problems if only SCO would allow them. They have yet to produce code and when IBM and SGI requested to see the code, SCO told them they were required to sign non-disclosure agreements. This is insane. If their code was violated and entered into the open source community, then that nullifies the need for a NDA. What is there left to protect if this code has in fact been violated? To my knowledge IBM has not signed this. In response, IBM is suing SCO over patent infringements. Come on SCO.... why mess with IBM? Big Blue can make your life a living hell and they probably will. SCO has nothing to gain in this lawsuit. Even if they win they will only kill Linux and allow the open source community to start something else. The image of SCO has been damaged and I doubt they will be able to gain that back. Last but not least, the ramblings of my head. I really miss Tiffany right now. I know in my last few posts I have wrote some things that may really cause you to question how I feel about her. Maybe I am questioning it myself.... and most of what I said is truly what I feel.... but I really do miss her and I want nothing more than to hold her right now. I hope she is having a fun and safe trip and that her semester goes well. I love you, tiff! I really do. Labels: linux, mafiaa, riaa, sco, tiff, unix (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, September 15, 2003 |
There's too much on my mind. I continually think of me and Tiff and analyze the situation.... maybe her going to livepool is designed for us to drift apart. I dont know what to make out of the situation.... thats not what I want but I guess maybe im coming to some realizations that I never did before. Truth is, right now I want to spend my life with her but im realizing that that may not be what she wants. True it SEEMS like thats what she wants but maybe she is just putting on a show like everyone tells me. Its really hard to believe in something that you have no evidence of. I guess we'll see how she handles being gone... I just wish someone special would come into my life that isnt engaged. I want so badly to have a commitment and it just isnt coming from tiff. *sigh* I dont know what to think anymore. Does she really love me? Is she really going to miss me? I just dont know. Who knows... maybe her being gone will actually make us get closer together. Either way she is going to have to make a decission. I'm trying to be paitient but its hard. Another thing thats been on my mind. Every now and then I feel a strong call to ministry and then it dissappears. God has something special planned for me but I dont know what it is. Google has some serious job offerings and I would absolutely love to work for them. I'm debating putting in a resume and seeing what happens. If I do that tho, am I just pushing away the call for ministry again if I get and take a job with Google? Maybe it would be great to just get a good job with Google, move to CA and start my life over again. I dont know. Labels: bowling, jobs, ministry, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Labels: depression, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, September 14, 2003 |
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Saturday, September 13, 2003 |
Labels: commitment, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
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Friday, September 12, 2003 |
Did you ever just get the feeling that you needed something really exciting to happen to boost things. I'm ok but im kinda just sick of the same old stuff. I dont really do too much... I go to lunch with jim and jason and I work.... thats about the extent of my life. I just wish something cool and exciting would happen. Hopefully work goes well tonight. Maybe something fun will happen there. I'll probably post something else after work... hopefully tiff will be online too. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, September 11, 2003 |
Labels: pizza hut (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Last night I had a crazy dream. I dreamt that I was in prison.... I dont remember what for but I remember that it was something stupid that people just dont go to prison for. Tiff was visiting with me and we were talking. It actually felt good. I dont want this to be a "how-much-I-miss-tiff-log" but I guess that thats whats on my mind alot. I know that any day now another amazing girl could walk into my life and that things would be great that way. It is tough being in the position that im in but, well.... im doing ok. Right now I know that I love tiff.... and I know that she loves me. If its meant to be, her and Jim will drift apart and the answers will be clear.... if not, some day an amazing girl is going to walk into my life and things will be perfect -- although I cant imagine someone more perfect for me than tiff. Only time will tell. I'm excited to see what happens. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, September 10, 2003 |
Today was a very happy yet very sad day. Tiff came down for the day and we had a great time together but its the last time I'll see her until next year. I wish I had the money to fly over and visit her in Liverpool, but I guess I'll just have to settle for emails and phone calls. I'm gonna miss her while she is gone. Labels: tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved
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