BibleBoy's Blog: November 2004

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Why does nobody want me? Whats wrong with me?

Posted @ 6:59 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Walking with my head turned to the sky
A little piece of heaven in my eyes
I find...

With heaven comes an understanding
With heaven comes a hope of things to come
But sometimes heaven seems so far...

So when it feels like there's no tomorrow
And yesterday's taking over
Don't stop to smell the sorrow
Or you'll go tumbling head over heart

Standing at the edge of another day
Praying 'til my tears are washed away
I find...

With heaven comes a dream of someday
Standing with the angels all around
But sometimes dreams come tumbling down...

So when it feels like there's no tomorrow
And yesterday's taking over
Don't stop to smell the sorrow
Or you'll go tumbling head over heart

Don't let your dreams go tumbling down
With nothing to fall on

Posted @ 6:48 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Monday, November 29, 2004

I have no clue how..... but God will get me through all of this....

on a side note... He'll get Tiff through this too.

Posted @ 11:15 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I started the process of filling out my eHarmony payment... couldnt finish.... I dont know why.... I just dont know whats up with me....

Things are not well right now... I'm so confused as to what direction I need to go... My therapist appt is still a week away.... but I dont know if I can even go to that because I dont know if I can afford the co-payment.... I hate my life.

I just took 1.5mg of Xanax... thats 3 times my normal dose... I should be out cold here shortly.... I actually dont know why it hasnt kicked in yet... it sure hit me fast in the ER the last time they gave it to me.

Posted @ 10:42 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I guess maybe I better leave Tiff alone if I'm gonna be like this.... sure she did her share of screwing up... but Im the one screwing up bad right now..... I dont want to... and I dont think she wants me to leave either... but for now... maybe its best.... I dunno... I'm debating it.... she really hasnt done anything to hurt me.... in fact it's been rather good.... but I just put too much pressure on her... whether I mean it or not... and whether its my actions or not.... I just need alot of prayer and guidance right now.... This may or may not be best... I guess I just need to pray about it.... eHarmony just sent me an offer for 2 weeks for $9.95... maybe I should try that?

Posted @ 9:23 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

All I do is screw up.... now ... ah hell with it.... why even blog... I just really screw everything up. I wish someone would shoot me.

Posted @ 9:10 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Im so absolutely sick and tired of being alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted @ 9:10 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Im really not doing too well.... I just feel so lonely.... no matter that I have stuff to be happy about... I'm just not happy.... its really getting old... and Ive noticed my attention span is gone.... completely gone.... I cant concentrate on anything..... loneliness and a bad attention span.... just really bad....

Posted @ 3:09 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Something else I got from the Polar Express......

You cant see the evidence until you believe.... the little boy could not hear the sleigh bells because he did not believe... it took him to believe before he knew they really did ring....

In my current situation, its like huge arrows pointing in one direction.... go this way... its the way to go.... and yet until someone believes it with me, they cant see those arrows. I wish I could open some people's eyes.... but thats not in my control... they have to believe themselves first... then it will become evident.

Posted @ 1:33 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Today was a pretty good day aside from the fact I slept most of it.. lol

Tonight I went and met Kendra (the new one) in Beaver Falls. We went to see National Treasure... GREAT movie! Had a really nice time.... I think that her friendship could be very good... I need some Christian friends.

The by far highlight was talking to Tiff on the phone during my drive home.... I miss her pretty badly.

Posted @ 1:33 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Time and time again
When I think I've reached the end
It's Your voice I hear
That draws me near

I don't know what makes You stay
When I act this way
No matter what we've been through
I can turn to You

Posted @ 9:53 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

"One thing about trains -- It doesnt matter where it's going, It just matters that you get on"

We saw the Polar Express tonight at the OmnIMAX. It was completely awesome and really taught me something about believing. That quote stood out. It really doesnt matter where my life is going... it just matters that I go. After the last few days of totally wanting to give up hope the movie tonight really hit me hard. I believe in something so strongly... and to think I almost gave that belief up. I just need to realize the train will get there soon enough.

Posted @ 1:45 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Ive got so much to be happy about.... why cant I just be happy?

Went to see Christmas with the Kranks tonight... at least it brought alot of laughs. I'm still really down tho... I dont understand it. There must be something really wrong with me.... I dont know what to do :(

Posted @ 9:51 PM // 1 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Lord, please take this pain away... the physical and emotional both. Please Lord... PLEASE.

Posted @ 6:19 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Im not doing so well again today.... I tried so hard to list what im thankful for... like my new job, my family, God.... but I just cant.... I dont feel like it.... I was playing a game at my grandmothers.... everytime it was my turn someone had to tell me... then I kept putting the wrong pieces down... I'm just so out of it today... I feel left out... Im not.... but I feel like I am.... its not good... I used to live for holidays at my grandmothers... not anymore.... its just another day... every day is just another day.

Tiff sent me a text message to wish me a happy thanksgiving and also told me what she was thankful for... I could barely respond... I'm just so out of it.... there is something wrong with me... something very wrong... :(

Posted @ 3:30 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Posted @ 11:43 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Microfox

Posted @ 12:35 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Traffic is nuts.... We are still nowhere near the pa line. I'm sick... Not feeling well at all. Emotionally I'm struggling a bit.... This may be one of my longer days. I'm not liking it all.

I just wanna be in my bed... Curled up.. Dreaming of something happy..... Whether it comes true or not.... *sigh* I'm not well.....

Posted @ 9:08 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Still on my way to va... Really glad my dad is driving.... I threw up this morning.... Really feeling like crap.... Please keep me in your prayers.

Posted @ 9:44 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Well I woke up very dizzy and nausious..... I guess my dad is gonna drive me down to VA. I hate having this but I dont want to risk it. I'm tired of being sick... I'm starting to think it is the start of this medicine thats bugging me so I hope that wears off soon.

Posted @ 11:53 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

What are the chances of meeting ANOTHER Kendra? :)

Its all good... I need another good Christian friend in my life....

Posted @ 11:53 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Thanks Jason!

I know I really need to speak life and be positive... I'm trying to get closer to God so hard.... but im failing so misserably.... It is true when things start going right thats when satan is going to attack the most..... and thats whats happening.

I'll make it.... God hasnt left even if it does feel like it sometimes. Please keep me in your prayers for strength....

.... and I'm sorry for over-reacting.

Posted @ 11:47 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Well I'm going to bed..... im really in alot of emotional pain right now.... and I'm affraid that I lost alot of hope tonight.... alot of hope in something that I had alot of hope in. It's really too painful to talk about right now so I'm just going to go to bed. Maybe another miracle will happen. I could use one.....

Posted @ 10:35 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Why do I bother? You do so much for people.... you give chances time and time again and when it comes to something you need, its not there. People suck.... all of them.

If anyone is lying to me... you better come clean..... im sick of finding out about lies.... damn lies. The truth always comes out... and it hurts worse when it comes from someone else.

Posted @ 10:15 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

The hell with it.... you "care" so you lie.... that makes alot of sense... and more and more people are doing it to me.... people closer and closer to me....

I feel used... I feel so damn used......

Posted @ 10:08 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Im really concerend at the moment... and a bit ... well, ok I'm downright scared... :( Something happened and I dont know what.... and its bugging me... bad. I wish things were easier right now.... I really do.

Posted @ 10:51 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

My stomach is still in knots..... I dunno why... either worry or just plain sick.... or reactions to meds.... you never know with me.

Posted @ 10:02 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Im a bit concerned this morning so I dont know if my stomach hurts for that or because I'm still sick. *sigh*

I packed up the stuff for my Nextel this morning... gotta hand that over to Matt. Its sad seeing things come to an end. I am going to miss working at computer connections and Pizza Hut both but there are definately better avenues ahead. I'm looking forward to them.....

Please continue to keep me in your prayers. God Bless!

Posted @ 8:15 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Monday, November 22, 2004

I am very serious when I say this. I dont want to hear anyone else say that I shouldnt get messed up with Tiff again.

1> My therapists/doctors are for it
2> She has been helping me stay happy recently
3> How would you feel if you were made out to be the worst person in the world?

Just stop and think before you say something to me, to her, or post on my comments. My mind is made up.... Tiff and I are friends again.... We'll see where it goes... There is no room for question on that right now. I have comments because I like people getting involved. I already stopped anonymous comments because of people just tearing down.... Please... if you care about me... no more tearing down of anything. I need support right now. She needs support right now.

Posted @ 8:35 AM // 1 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I dont feel so hot this morning.... yesterday the depression was really getting to me physically.... but im wondering today if its more depression, if its the results of such a heavy depression yesterday, or if Im really getting sick and thats why ive been so depressed. I really wish I could just crawl back in bed.... but I need to get up and get going. I pray for something happy today... I could use it.

Posted @ 8:35 AM // 2 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Well it's official.... in 2 weeks I will be working full time for Elite Internet Communications, Inc. :) Now to put my 2 weeks notice in at Computer Connections tomorrow.

Please keep me in your prayers as I make another transistion in my life.

Posted @ 1:00 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Amazon.com: DVD: Fraggle Rock - Where It All Began

w00t ... Fraggle Rock on DVD in Jan!!!!!!!

Posted @ 11:22 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I completely dont understand what I am going through.... I cried for so long today... part of that was on my mom's shoulder. I have so much emotional pain in me right now its not even funny. The weekend was pretty good... I had alot of good times.... I dont understand why when I got home I just bawled.... maybe because it was over? I really dont know. Tonight at work I was like a zombie... just totally out of it... not myself at all.....

In so many ways I know what is supposed to happen..... and I guess in those ways I dont understand why it just doesnt. Then I remember that God IS in control and they dont happen that way because He doesnt want them to yet.... I just dont understand that..... I dont understand why He doesnt just make me happy..... tho I'm not Him, its still hard to understand.

I am a hurting person right now.... its not because of any event, anything, or anyone. There are plenty of things in my own life that very well could be causing me problems.... This is a tough time for me... lots of decissions being made... life changing ones.... and all this during medicine changes and healing relationships.... its all alot on me right now....

I am going to go get ready for bed... but there is one thing I want to say here.... something that I havent said in a long while if I did at all.... Tiff is the most beautiful person in the world... both inside and outside. She has done so much.... and is so strong for what she is going through right now. Its like her world is collapsing around here... yet she's still here. She cries like I do... she wants to give up at times like I do.... but she keeps on going. I am proud to call her my friend. I only pray we continue to grow closer together.

Goodnight....

Posted @ 10:48 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Well Im getting ready to leave Lock Haven... cut short by Pizza Hut of course.... i'll be so glad when im done with that place... It wasnt a bad place to work... the people.. well most of the people are great... but I just need my time back.

This weekend was... interesting. When I first got here I acted like a pure idiot/baby... I dont really know why... I didnt even realize it until I thought back on it... I think that really changed Tiff's attitude toward me for a while... then later last night things got great again.... Tiff and I were feeling that closeness again.... then she started crying and I dunno what happened then... we both went to bed and thats where it stands. She is still sleeping ... I'm debating waking her up or not before I leave... nm... she just got up... well... I dont want to leave...

I guess I just keep thinking of the way things were before I screwed up in May... it's tough for me to deal with.... I do realize why I did what I did.... and its not good.... it was stupid but I realize now why im scared of people lying to me... especially people who care about me.... its because its been done to me alot.... but thats all im going to say about that.... that is something that I, myself, need to work through. None-the-less, its why I did what I did in May... and I regret every min of it.... EVERY bit of it....

I'm still looking forward to a second chance.... I think it may be on the horizon.... TIff still has some issues to work out... as do I.... I'm doing my best to be right beside here through it all... and she's doing the same. Im confident that I'm where I need to be.... its not an easy place to be... but im here either way.

Posted @ 10:27 AM // 1 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Saturday, November 20, 2004

*sigh*

Posted @ 1:09 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Friday, November 19, 2004

I just read my blog and realized the jump from Wed to Fri.... kinda funny in a way..... truth is, Wed's post was really just an enraged post.... the other news I didnt post yet is I saw my doctor yesterday and we started a new med.... this one should help and shouldnt create the problem that the welbutrin did.... I will now be taking Zoloft.... we'll see what happens.

Thanks again for your prayers.

Posted @ 1:20 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Starting today my VA hours a 12-6.... and I feel better already..... and I'm gettin ready to put my 2 weeks in at Computer Connections as well.

A little while ago I was offered full time with Elite Internet.... and as of today, I think I am going to take the job. Nothing is official yet but the scenario is definately better. I will probably be making my final decission tomorrow... so if anyone has any thoughts, let me know now :) .... The big thing is it will be nice to work for once company... not 3.... most of what I am doing is lateral.... as in I will be in PA 3 days and VA 2 with eicomm now as opposed to 3 days with cci and 2 days with eicomm.....

Nothing is set in stone yet.... but will be soon. Please keep me in your prayers tonight that I make the right decission tomorrow. Thanks!

Posted @ 1:16 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

I just want to understand this stuff..... I hate computers.... I hate working with them again.... I just hate it.... all of it.

Posted @ 2:11 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Im never going to be able to keep anyone happy... Jason regarding work... Tiff regarding alot.... Steve at the hut because I cant work there anymore..... I just keep hurting people and making people angry.... I'm not performing well at anything..... I cant take much more stress.... I dont know what I'm doing... I feel so lost and I feel that I made way too many commitments that were way above my head..... I dont enjoy my job anymore like I used to.... no matter what I do I will never be good enough... never.... I dont understand the things I have to do in my job... I always feel overwhelmed.... im so stressed and..... and I just want to die so I never have to drive to VA again... and I never have to break someone's heart again.... and I never have to face this pain that I constantly face anymore.......

Posted @ 1:43 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

BLAH!

Posted @ 1:24 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Well first of all, Alltel FINALLY got my internet back up after it died on Saturday.... go guys go.... *sigh*

Secondly, I got a "new" phone.... my sister's old one.... I like it alot better so far... a few gripes but I may be able to get over them :)

Thirdly, my meds were whacked out... thats why I was freaking out all the time.... I am now just on the abilify and no anti-depresant again until Thursday.... this is starting to suck.... I seriously was a lot better off before I had "psychiatric help" ... Dr. Gaul did just fine I think... at least he was always there for me.....

Thats about all for now... more later im sure.

Posted @ 10:31 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Monday, November 15, 2004

Well its almost 6am and I just got back from Western Psych... alot of the problems ive been having this weekend topped off today and I ended up in the ER. Turns out that I had a bad reaction to one of my meds... we're making a change that should take effect pretty quickly. Either way I am going to bed... I'm beat.

And Tiff... I'm sorry....

Posted @ 5:46 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Well the show was amazing. Not only was the production great but it really moved me too. I needed it. It just sucks that I have to rush home to work at the hut instead of enjoying a little more time out here.

In other news lori got a speeding ticket coming out here. 85 in a 65. Its nice that she finally got one since she drives the fastest and she's the only one that never got a ticket. We all had a good laugh.

I guess I'm in a decent mood right now. The only thing that bugs me is having to rush home.... I just can't get enough time away. I really need to get out of the hut so I can at least have my weekends.

I am wishing tiff was here. She would have loved this show. Maybe ill bring her out here sometime.

Ok enough for now. More later.

Posted @ 10:53 PM // 1 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Well looks like I'm going to lancaster after all.... my sisters are going too and didnt realize it...

Posted @ 10:22 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

It would figure that everyone is away while im stuck at home.... I can drive out to Lancaster to see the show my mom and dad are seeing but that would mean driving.... Even though staying in bed all day yesterday helped alot, I dont think its a good idea to drive that far by myself yet. Maybe I'll just stay in bed all day again today? Not much else to do. It probably wouldnt hurt my chest either.

I did get to talk to Tiff for a little last night. That was really nice.... she's gone home for the weekend so I probably wont hear from her again until at least tomorrow... thats the part that sucks... maybe she'll hook her laptop up and get online... I guess we'll see.

Well, I'm gonna go upstairs and see if I could make something to eat and then I guess maybe go back to bed. If anyone wants to call me, they can.... but if I take pain meds I might not hear the phone.... hopefully I would tho.

Posted @ 9:41 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Friday, November 12, 2004

U got, u got it bad
When you're on the phone
Hang up and you call right back
U got, u got it bad
If you miss a day without your friend
Your whole life's off track
You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house
You don't wanna have fun
It's all you think about
U got it bad when you're out with someone
But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else
U got it bad

--Usher "U Got it Bad"

Posted @ 1:16 PM // 1 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Thanks for the last comment... I forgot that EVERYONE understands except me.... I'm glad you brought that to my attention. Maybe I need to go back to the hospital so someone can hold my hand and help me live my life because I'm not capable on my own.

I give up... Thanks again for that comment... it worked wonders.... :(

Posted @ 1:09 PM // 1 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Thursday, November 11, 2004

I really like what you’ve done to me
I can’t really explain it
I’m so into you
I really like what you’ve done to me
I can’t really explain it
I’m so into you

Posted @ 8:37 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Ok so im better now...... this pain is getting to me soo bad that my mood gets out of whack right along with it. No pain right now thanks to pain meds... so im in a good mood.... I hope this stuff doesnt last too long. Dr. Gaul said some of the pain can last for months... we have to put the anxiety to rest tho.... which is another story. My insurance flat out refused to pay for the medicine I needed. I have to settle for second best I guess..... just really sucks.... insurance sucks.

Posted @ 8:28 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Maybe I should just give up? If someone wants to talk to me... let them talk to me.... maybe I should just quit caring about people and quit trying to contact them and be friends.... maybe thats what I need to do... just stay out of other people's lives and shut up.... I bring everyone down with me.

I'm not doing well... my doctor's office (not my doctor), my friends, just no one... no one cares.... screw it all.... I really am getting suicidal again... but I know that falls on deaf ears too.... forget about me... it'll make your life easier.

Posted @ 3:01 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

I calmed down again... I got to talk to my best friend again and make sure that it was all ok.... so im good now.... good night (well in a half hour when im allowed to sleep).

Posted @ 11:04 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //