Tuesday, November 30, 2004 |
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A little piece of heaven in my eyes I find... With heaven comes an understanding With heaven comes a hope of things to come But sometimes heaven seems so far... So when it feels like there's no tomorrow And yesterday's taking over Don't stop to smell the sorrow Or you'll go tumbling head over heart Standing at the edge of another day Praying 'til my tears are washed away I find... With heaven comes a dream of someday Standing with the angels all around But sometimes dreams come tumbling down... So when it feels like there's no tomorrow And yesterday's taking over Don't stop to smell the sorrow Or you'll go tumbling head over heart Don't let your dreams go tumbling down With nothing to fall on (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, November 29, 2004 |
on a side note... He'll get Tiff through this too. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Things are not well right now... I'm so confused as to what direction I need to go... My therapist appt is still a week away.... but I dont know if I can even go to that because I dont know if I can afford the co-payment.... I hate my life. I just took 1.5mg of Xanax... thats 3 times my normal dose... I should be out cold here shortly.... I actually dont know why it hasnt kicked in yet... it sure hit me fast in the ER the last time they gave it to me. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
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Sunday, November 28, 2004 |
You cant see the evidence until you believe.... the little boy could not hear the sleigh bells because he did not believe... it took him to believe before he knew they really did ring.... In my current situation, its like huge arrows pointing in one direction.... go this way... its the way to go.... and yet until someone believes it with me, they cant see those arrows. I wish I could open some people's eyes.... but thats not in my control... they have to believe themselves first... then it will become evident. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tonight I went and met Kendra (the new one) in Beaver Falls. We went to see National Treasure... GREAT movie! Had a really nice time.... I think that her friendship could be very good... I need some Christian friends. The by far highlight was talking to Tiff on the phone during my drive home.... I miss her pretty badly. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, November 27, 2004 |
When I think I've reached the end It's Your voice I hear That draws me near I don't know what makes You stay When I act this way No matter what we've been through I can turn to You (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
We saw the Polar Express tonight at the OmnIMAX. It was completely awesome and really taught me something about believing. That quote stood out. It really doesnt matter where my life is going... it just matters that I go. After the last few days of totally wanting to give up hope the movie tonight really hit me hard. I believe in something so strongly... and to think I almost gave that belief up. I just need to realize the train will get there soon enough. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, November 25, 2004 |
Went to see Christmas with the Kranks tonight... at least it brought alot of laughs. I'm still really down tho... I dont understand it. There must be something really wrong with me.... I dont know what to do :( (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tiff sent me a text message to wish me a happy thanksgiving and also told me what she was thankful for... I could barely respond... I'm just so out of it.... there is something wrong with me... something very wrong... :( (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
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Wednesday, November 24, 2004 |
I just wanna be in my bed... Curled up.. Dreaming of something happy..... Whether it comes true or not.... *sigh* I'm not well..... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
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Tuesday, November 23, 2004 |
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Its all good... I need another good Christian friend in my life.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I know I really need to speak life and be positive... I'm trying to get closer to God so hard.... but im failing so misserably.... It is true when things start going right thats when satan is going to attack the most..... and thats whats happening. I'll make it.... God hasnt left even if it does feel like it sometimes. Please keep me in your prayers for strength.... .... and I'm sorry for over-reacting. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
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If anyone is lying to me... you better come clean..... im sick of finding out about lies.... damn lies. The truth always comes out... and it hurts worse when it comes from someone else. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I feel used... I feel so damn used...... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
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I packed up the stuff for my Nextel this morning... gotta hand that over to Matt. Its sad seeing things come to an end. I am going to miss working at computer connections and Pizza Hut both but there are definately better avenues ahead. I'm looking forward to them..... Please continue to keep me in your prayers. God Bless! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, November 22, 2004 |
1> My therapists/doctors are for it 2> She has been helping me stay happy recently 3> How would you feel if you were made out to be the worst person in the world? Just stop and think before you say something to me, to her, or post on my comments. My mind is made up.... Tiff and I are friends again.... We'll see where it goes... There is no room for question on that right now. I have comments because I like people getting involved. I already stopped anonymous comments because of people just tearing down.... Please... if you care about me... no more tearing down of anything. I need support right now. She needs support right now. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
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Please keep me in your prayers as I make another transistion in my life. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, November 21, 2004 |
w00t ... Fraggle Rock on DVD in Jan!!!!!!! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
In so many ways I know what is supposed to happen..... and I guess in those ways I dont understand why it just doesnt. Then I remember that God IS in control and they dont happen that way because He doesnt want them to yet.... I just dont understand that..... I dont understand why He doesnt just make me happy..... tho I'm not Him, its still hard to understand. I am a hurting person right now.... its not because of any event, anything, or anyone. There are plenty of things in my own life that very well could be causing me problems.... This is a tough time for me... lots of decissions being made... life changing ones.... and all this during medicine changes and healing relationships.... its all alot on me right now.... I am going to go get ready for bed... but there is one thing I want to say here.... something that I havent said in a long while if I did at all.... Tiff is the most beautiful person in the world... both inside and outside. She has done so much.... and is so strong for what she is going through right now. Its like her world is collapsing around here... yet she's still here. She cries like I do... she wants to give up at times like I do.... but she keeps on going. I am proud to call her my friend. I only pray we continue to grow closer together. Goodnight.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
This weekend was... interesting. When I first got here I acted like a pure idiot/baby... I dont really know why... I didnt even realize it until I thought back on it... I think that really changed Tiff's attitude toward me for a while... then later last night things got great again.... Tiff and I were feeling that closeness again.... then she started crying and I dunno what happened then... we both went to bed and thats where it stands. She is still sleeping ... I'm debating waking her up or not before I leave... nm... she just got up... well... I dont want to leave... I guess I just keep thinking of the way things were before I screwed up in May... it's tough for me to deal with.... I do realize why I did what I did.... and its not good.... it was stupid but I realize now why im scared of people lying to me... especially people who care about me.... its because its been done to me alot.... but thats all im going to say about that.... that is something that I, myself, need to work through. None-the-less, its why I did what I did in May... and I regret every min of it.... EVERY bit of it.... I'm still looking forward to a second chance.... I think it may be on the horizon.... TIff still has some issues to work out... as do I.... I'm doing my best to be right beside here through it all... and she's doing the same. Im confident that I'm where I need to be.... its not an easy place to be... but im here either way. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, November 20, 2004 |
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Friday, November 19, 2004 |
Thanks again for your prayers. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
A little while ago I was offered full time with Elite Internet.... and as of today, I think I am going to take the job. Nothing is official yet but the scenario is definately better. I will probably be making my final decission tomorrow... so if anyone has any thoughts, let me know now :) .... The big thing is it will be nice to work for once company... not 3.... most of what I am doing is lateral.... as in I will be in PA 3 days and VA 2 with eicomm now as opposed to 3 days with cci and 2 days with eicomm..... Nothing is set in stone yet.... but will be soon. Please keep me in your prayers tonight that I make the right decission tomorrow. Thanks! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, November 17, 2004 |
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Tuesday, November 16, 2004 |
Secondly, I got a "new" phone.... my sister's old one.... I like it alot better so far... a few gripes but I may be able to get over them :) Thirdly, my meds were whacked out... thats why I was freaking out all the time.... I am now just on the abilify and no anti-depresant again until Thursday.... this is starting to suck.... I seriously was a lot better off before I had "psychiatric help" ... Dr. Gaul did just fine I think... at least he was always there for me..... Thats about all for now... more later im sure. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, November 15, 2004 |
And Tiff... I'm sorry.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, November 13, 2004 |
In other news lori got a speeding ticket coming out here. 85 in a 65. Its nice that she finally got one since she drives the fastest and she's the only one that never got a ticket. We all had a good laugh. I guess I'm in a decent mood right now. The only thing that bugs me is having to rush home.... I just can't get enough time away. I really need to get out of the hut so I can at least have my weekends. I am wishing tiff was here. She would have loved this show. Maybe ill bring her out here sometime. Ok enough for now. More later. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I did get to talk to Tiff for a little last night. That was really nice.... she's gone home for the weekend so I probably wont hear from her again until at least tomorrow... thats the part that sucks... maybe she'll hook her laptop up and get online... I guess we'll see. Well, I'm gonna go upstairs and see if I could make something to eat and then I guess maybe go back to bed. If anyone wants to call me, they can.... but if I take pain meds I might not hear the phone.... hopefully I would tho. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, November 12, 2004 |
When you're on the phone Hang up and you call right back U got, u got it bad If you miss a day without your friend Your whole life's off track You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house You don't wanna have fun It's all you think about U got it bad when you're out with someone But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else U got it bad --Usher "U Got it Bad" (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I give up... Thanks again for that comment... it worked wonders.... :( (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, November 11, 2004 |
I can’t really explain it I’m so into you I really like what you’ve done to me I can’t really explain it I’m so into you (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I'm not doing well... my doctor's office (not my doctor), my friends, just no one... no one cares.... screw it all.... I really am getting suicidal again... but I know that falls on deaf ears too.... forget about me... it'll make your life easier. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, November 10, 2004 |
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Tuesday, November 09, 2004 |
Truth is I am a little bit worried about going to VA.... just too many uncertainties going on... new meds, etc. But it is my job and I'll push on to doing the best I can.... I just hope my best is good enough. I'll be getting my shower and leaving in a little while. Please keep me in your prayers. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
It really scared me a few mins ago when a though of suicide popped into my head.... it quickly left but I dont want those popping in.... maybe it is because of the med change and stuff..... I saw my therapist yesterday but I still dont get to see a psychiatrist for another month.... its bad.... my therapist and dr. both say its bad... but they cant do anything about it. I stopped taking my remeron on Friday.... this was my own decission... the first time I made a deccision like that on my own..... turns out it was a good move... my therapist agreed. Dr. Gaul is trying to get some new medicine approved right now.... because of course my insurance company doesnt like to cover the stuff that might just help me.... *sigh* ... We'll see where that goes..... In my life, alot is looking better.... I feel that I am stable... but in my body, it s a different story... and I need prayer.... and a few friends to talk to. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
It really scared me a few mins ago when a though of suicide popped into my head.... it quickly left but I dont want those popping in.... maybe it is because of the med change and stuff..... I saw my therapist yesterday but I still dont get to see a psychiatrist for another month.... its bad.... my therapist and dr. both say its bad... but they cant do anything about it. I stopped taking my remeron on Friday.... this was my own decission... the first time I made a deccision like that on my own..... turns out it was a good move... my therapist agreed. Dr. Gaul is trying to get some new medicine approved right now.... because of course my insurance company doesnt like to cover the stuff that might just help me.... *sigh* ... We'll see where that goes..... In my life, alot is looking better.... I feel that I am stable... but in my body, it s a different story... and I need prayer.... and a few friends to talk to. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
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Monday, November 08, 2004 |
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and.. NO! Tiff and I both need some time to get things together... I did not ask her out... nor will I for at least a while. Tiff needs her time to be single.... and it wouldnt hurt me either.... I need some paitence in the situation. I'm sure things are all going to work out just fine... God is going to lead each one of us to where He needs/wants us to be. This is all in God's hands.... Just keep us in your prayers.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
They gave me 1mg of Xanax in the hospital... after I took .25 (or maybe .5) so I was completely knocked out... I slept a while in the hospital while they checked out my test results and stuff. They said that a small panic attack may have brought it on but thats been fairly normal for me recently. Thanks to someone who has not felt like scheduling me to see a psychiatrist. At this point I'm done taking my Remeron.... I'm not one to just stop taking a medicine but I am grabbing at all kinds of straws here... that medicine, whether it was helping or not, was destroying my life. Just making me tired and stuff which didnt allow me to do anything... never felt like it.... just stupid stuff... For those of you looking for scape-goats because you cant accept that there is just something wrong with me, dont look to Tiff. TIff helped me more than anything this weekend so I dont want to hear it. Look to other situations in my life... like my aunt, jobs, lack of friends to do stuff with... just look elsewhere. Well I just made some food so I'm going to go eat.... thanks again to those people that prayed with me and not against me. The people who saw tiff as being a possible benefit where right so far and I thank you guys so much for keeping an open mind. Now hopefully I'll be able to lay down for a few more hours and then go get my car which is still at church (since dad had to drive me to the ER). (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, November 07, 2004 |
I'm gonna finish getting ready.... hopefully tiff is about ready too :) I'm sure there will be more later. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, November 06, 2004 |
So how are things going? Me and Tiff are getting along pretty well... I'm really glad of that. Its really nice to see her again and everything. I'm hoping that she stays until church but she may be going back tonight.... It just makes me very happy... I can tell that she is still hurting... truth it I'm still hurting.... but at least we're friends again... that is important to both of us... its tought... but its worth it. The nice thing is I had a talk with Beth (my mom's friend) on my way home last night and I found out that they are actually supporting everything with Tiff... I know my friends are going to be against it for a while but I'll learn to live with those differences that we have... at least my mom is behind me. Well We're about to go get some more fish and filters and such.... I'm sure there will be more later. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, November 04, 2004 |
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Wednesday, November 03, 2004 |
Secondly... those few people that have made such an influence on me in the last week. The people who are keeping an open mind as to what may be in my future, and what may not. Tiff and I have been talking and doing very well on the friendship end of things. This is a very important thing and honestly has made me a much happier person in the last few days. It's those of you who help me without refusing to believe the POSSIBILITY of something that are helping me so much. Thank you for keeping an open mind... I need that desperately. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, November 02, 2004 |
We are debating hanging out.... I think this is the best thing for me.... sure, I'm nervous about it.... but I need to put an end to these what ifs..... as does she. Tiff has been in counseling and getting help.... she's getting better.... and I've always known her very well. Truth is, most of what happened was all me... I blew things out of proportion and I've been too much of a wuss to admit that.... I made Tiff look bad where she shouldnt have ..... she made herself look bad where she did... and everyone knows she did..... we're trying to put that behind us.... These what ifs are killing us both..... Sure this is gonna be rough...... but we need it.... *I* need it. Keep it in your prayers..... I need that... we need that! I really feel this is the best thing, as do others who really care about me and know the situation. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
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Monday, November 01, 2004 |
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Ok enough venting.... *sigh* (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
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