Thursday, September 30, 2004 |
... Another frustrating thing is finances when you get out of the hospital... gosh darn it am I in trouble... serious trouble..... Even with the added stress tho, I am doing ok. But I really must sleep now... gotta go to VA tomorrow. G'night (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, September 28, 2004 |
I'm ok.. just out of it... going to bed soon I guess.... bad ending to a good day. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, September 27, 2004 |
A little history.... over the summer a couple, Joy and Dan broke up. Both bowled for Singing Church #1 and this season things got interesting. Joy joined our church.... throw in the fact that Dan is "not wrapped too tight" and you got a mess. Another team member invited Joy to bowl with us. Well, tonight, that other team member was welcomed in the parking lot by threats and screaming from Dan. Dan also went towards Joy with various comments. To my knowledge the cops were called. Where does this affect me? Honestly, I didnt think it did until I, no joke, started halucinating. I literally saw Dan standing behind me and my dad as my dad was talking about something different than what I thouht. My mind saw my dad talking about Dan while he was standing directly behind us..... the scary part was... I never saw Dan leave.... he was never there. No one else saw him. Leading up to that I heard people calling my name that werent there. It was really scary. This situation had me very very very scared for some reason. I dont know why really... It didnt really affect me... Well... Singing Church #1 made the decission to pull their team because a rule of their team was that to bowl on it you have to be a member of their church... Dan was recently thrown out of their church. They made the decission half way through the first game. After hearing that, I had to leave. I just was scared for what was going to happen... even tho nothing very well might... I dont know... I just had to get out of the enviornment and clear my head. I am feeling fine.... no problems otherwise. Just a little freaked out. So much for a relaxing evening. I just hope this doesnt happen again. We are going to play next week by ear on whether I go or not. We'll see. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Who the hell sat down and said "it would be a good idea to put a timer on our dishwasher so that the consumer can load his dishwasher and then tell it to start washing them an hour later!" Come on people.... we are so "feature crazed" that we let companies put stupid stuff on them that we will never use just to get our attention. It's stupid.... .... Unless your my dad :( (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I just now got a voice mail on my palm... I think I know what it is and its not good.... No one has that phone number. I don't even have it. I guess things are looking a little more up with my aunt. That's good. Western psych helped me a lot so they should make a good impact on her. I hope so. I want to see things better for her. Still a lot of things going through my mind. I am doing really well... Just really trying to sort things out and that is really good. Well I'm gonna end for now. More later, I'm sure. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I really seriously figured out a big part of what is wrong with me. Its been known that I dont do enough for fun.... I work all the time... almost non-stop... but the thing that people dont see is that Saturdays I have off and always just sit at home. Truth is... I'm starved for attention.... in a different way than that ultimately sounds tho. I so badly want to be able to call someone up and go hang out.... anytime I want to do something, everyone backs away. Starts to make me think there is something wrong with me... then you throw on the troubles that Ive had with girls such as cheating and ignoring me and lying and such.... it really makes you think something is wrong. The problem is I cant relax because I dont think anyone likes me. Now I know im about to get a flood of emails saying "I care, bob.... I care" ... ok, yes, you care... yadda yadda yadda.... if you are out of the state, I can accept that.... if you are local then bull (except for Bill... for reasons we've discussed).... Im dying to go see a movie... will anyone go to a movie with me? no. "I'm married, bob.. someday you'll learn" ... "I have to watch the kids" "I have plans" "I dont have any money" ... the list can go on. This is my biggest problem... but the truth is... even if this does bring people to hang out with.. it wont last... it will go back to the same excuses that were before... There's just something about me that people dont like being around me.... I really dont understand it. *sigh* I'm doing ok.... I'm just sorting stuff out. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, September 25, 2004 |
bobkmertz is now my work screen name (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, September 24, 2004 |
Back to the beginning Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned 'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect Trying to fit a square into a circle Was no lie I defy [CHORUS:] Let the rain fall down And wake my dreams Let it wash away My sanity 'Cause I wanna feel the thunder I wanna scream Let the rain fall down I'm comimg clean, I'm coming clean I'm shedding Shedding every color Trying to find a pigment of truth Beneath my skin 'Cause different Doesn't feel so different And going out is better Then always staying in Feel the wind [CHORUS] I'm coming clean Let the rain fall Let the rain fall I'm coming clean [CHORUS] Let's go back Back to the beginning --- Hillary Duff "Come Clean" (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I dont like this scenario.... I dont like it at all.... my therapist and I worked on this situation in the hospital.... I had plans of what I was going to do when I got out... I was going to close the unfinished business that I had with Tiff... no matter which direction that took me.... but now there is an outside source and I dont know how to handle it. I cant say this is the best thing now because there is other words thrown into the mix that may have thrown everything off balance. Why me? One thing is good... Im not getting angry about all of this.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, September 23, 2004 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
... And the true test of my new meds begin ... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, September 22, 2004 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
For those of you who didnt know, last tuesday I was admitted to UPMC Western Psychiatric Hospital. I was just discharged this afternoon. (and it feels weird to type on a keyboard again). Alot happened in that week... im sure outside as well as inside the hospital. This blog I am posting before I read ANY email, blogs, comments, etc. For one thing, my diagnosis has changed from BiPolar Disorder to Mood Disorder NOS. I am on completely different meds now and they seem to be helping so far. Things are looking good... we just gotta see what happens when some stress comes my way. (I find it odd that Tiff was online when I booted my computer up but all of a sudden she's gone now... hmmm) Truth is I have put things where they need to be... I got calls in the hospital from people I never thought would even care.... then again, I lacked visitors.... people who I thought cared alot more. all in all I learned alot about myself and others. It really was a needed experience for me. I cant say I ENJOYED my time in there, but it was definately needed. I start back at IOP tomorrow again. Well, thats the news for now.... its onto reading emails and blogs and such.... *crosses fingers* (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, September 14, 2004 |
.... those were the words that my therapist found out can get tears in my eyes in an instant.... but with tears in my eyes, words started coming out of my mouth.... and when those words finished they were followed by "I have never been able to put that into words before." .... Truth is, I never have. But I learned alot about me today.... I learned alot about the way I feel.... and seeing my therapist's reaction after telling her how I felt about Tiff... well.... I just learned alot.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, September 13, 2004 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
One thing by Unknown Restless tonight Cause I wasted the light Between both these times I drew a really thin line It’s nothing I planned And not that I can But you should be mine Across that line If I traded it all If I gave it all away for one thing Just for one thing If I sorted it out If I knew all about this one thing Wouldn’t that be something I promise I might Not walk on by Maybe next time But not this time Even though I know I don’t want to know Yeah I guess I know I just hate how it sounds If I traded it all If I gave it all away for one thing Just for one thing If I sorted it out If I knew all about this one thing Wouldn’t that be something If I traded it all If I gave it all away for one thing Just for one thing If I sorted it out If I knew all about this one thing Wouldn’t that be something Even though I know I don’t want to know Yeah I guess I know I just hate how it sounds Even though I know I don’t want to know Yeah I guess I know I just hate how it sounds If I traded it all If I gave it all away for one thing Just for one thing If I sorted it out If I knew all about this one thing Wouldn’t that be something If I traded it all If I gave it all away for one thing Just for one thing If I sorted it out If I knew all about this one thing Wouldn’t that be something If I traded it all If I gave it all away for one thing Just for one thing If I sorted it out If I knew all about this one thing Wouldn’t that be something (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I also have hated this wondering whats up with Tiff right now. I have not heard from her since I talked to her on the phone friday night. I am trying so hard not to just start in with the Jim thing but I cant help it. Chances are she's somewhere with him or at least was.... and thats... argh... ill stop now... I just wish I'd hear from her.... I thought things were getting better.... Well, I guess im gonna get my shower and head to work... someone should be there by now.... I can catch up on some paperwork and stuff before we open. Have a good day everyone. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, September 12, 2004 |
When you move into the left lane in order to pass the vehicle in front of you, this is your acknowledgement that that vehicle is driving slow that you want to. Remember through the entire process that slowing to that vehicle's speed reduces the effectiveness of this maneuver. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Lori... well, yea... I had so many problems with her network that I wanted to scream... first the access point I bought for her doesnt work right so after fighting with that, its going back for RMA.... then I couldnt get the internet to work at all... I worked for hours and then figured out that Lori gave me the wrong username and password..... grrr.... but it wasnt all her fault... Verizon apparently authenticates ANY username and password and doesnt return a failure, it just doesnt let you get to the net.... why cant companies just stick with standards? I got to see Nicole last night too.... I went over to her appartment for a while... I hadnt seen her in over 2 years I think. And, nope, didnt see Tiff. Worse yet, she hasnt been online since I left yesterday afternoon.... which... well, jim's probably staying over night or something.... I was calm... well, Im gonna shut up... this is gonna do me no good.... I just wish I could have at least talked to her last night.... I know im not that important in her life.... maybe thats another thing I just have to accept? Either way, yesterday was good. When I woke up this morning my fish were here for the new tank... 9 more Neon Tetras, 3 ghost shrimp and 2 snails. I put them all in and all of the tetras swam under the heater for a while... it was pretty funny... they are starting to be more active now... it may take a day. I didnt get to go to church today.... I had scheduled some system changes on one of our client's networks today but we got about 20 mins into and realized it would be better to change those settings with me being local instead of remote so Wed it is. Im gonna go for now.... maybe find something to eat. *shrug* (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, September 11, 2004 |
I was kinda excited.... I was actually gonna take Tiff to go get her fish tonight because, well, I love fish and she needs fish... figured id take her after the game... then I remember that means that her parents and Jim (of course) is gonna be here so Im not even going to attempt it. *sigh* At least im not at home.... its nice to have a change. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, September 10, 2004 |
I think thats good.... scary thing is, it actually relaxed me. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/tribune-review/trib/pmupdate/s_249919.html :) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
You know... I lived this story... I was there waiting for updates constantly as my cousin was "dying" .... and here it is more than 2 weeks later and we find this link and I sit here now with literal tears in my eyes..... It was said to me once that if God can save a young boy who got kicked in the head, he sure as heck can help you, Bob. Jesse truly is an inspiration to me.... at a time when I was starting to question my own Creator, He decided to save someone very close to me. I was at his house tonight helping my aunt with her computer. It is amazing how well Jesse is doing.... the more I write this, the more I cry... but I know God is going to do something with this whole family. We have been hurting so bad... Jesse and his accident, me and my problems.... and so many others that I dont write about in this blog. Its been a long time since I actually cried real tears.... it feels really good... especially when you think about what God did for my cousin. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, September 09, 2004 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, September 08, 2004 |
First, let me remind you that I have been rear ended in my car as well as someone did a hit and run and hit me in the parking lot at the data center scratching up my brand new bumper that I got from when the guy rear ended me..... now, i have had this car three months and someone else decides to be an idiot! I'm coming up E. Pittsburgh St. towards greensburg in the turning lane to go through the arch towards sheetz.... someone to my left decides that he needs two lanes for his POS van..... he moves into my lane and leaves me no choice but to swerve right hitting the curb and destroying my hubcap..... and of course the asshole keeps driving away like nothing happened... all happened too quick to get any information not to mention its not worth it ... but soon you'll see me driving around with a set of wal-mart hubcaps. Freaking people... ive had the car 3 months and so far i have had three incidents.... if you make a mistake, own up to it! If I ever find the person that hit me in VA or that guy tonight.... ARGH! People suck... oh, yea... today... I had a question for Tiff, so I sent her an IM.... didnt respond..... shes not idle... remained not idle for the next half hour.... I left.... I came back... still not idle... all of a sudden, she answers my questions and logs off IMMEDIATELY! Is this how you hang up on people on IM? Maybe? She likes hanging up on me.... gosh that makes me mad.... didnt even give me a chance to say anything.... im trying to be calmer and talk to her..... I wanted to try.... I need to try... but she does that... wtf! The majority of my day has consisted of computers...... I am surrounded by ones not working.... I was on the clock for a while for computer connections... that took me by surprise.... I was in Greensburg and Matt had an issue so I stopped in to help... next thing I know I get handed 3 other issues.... eventually I got home and clocked in for eicomm.... mainly troubleshooting this server.... I started with a memory test and it passed.... we've pretty much thought that its hard drive related so I didnt put much effort. My very next step was to try a new cable since the mainboard was not seeing any drives and the raid controller was reporting 2 drives as failing.... I clocked out from eicomm with the intent of coming back and clocking back in once I had the cable.... before I left I decided to start a advanced memory test.... well, I came back and something crashed the memory test.... that of course cant be drive related.... so I didnt clock back in but just started running more memory tests.... it is for eicomm but there is so little interaction that im not gonna bother clocking back in..... And then, computer connection's server has to act up.... of course.... nothing major its just doing some weird things with rhn updates.... I actually think its a problem with RHN but I dont know.... getting very frustrating tho..... I think its soon time for bed... ive had enough for today... the car thing and the tiff thing topped it off tho..... Knowing me tho, i'll be up for a while... *sigh* (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, September 07, 2004 |
That's what I need. Truth is I love tiff very much and because I love her and she doesn't love me.... Well that brings pain. And so far today in my therapy I have learned that the difference between having suffering and becoming stronger and suffering and being destroyed is being able to accept the pain. There are various things that I can't accept right now with tiff. I can't accept that she doesn't love me or care about me. I can't accept that she does not want to be with me anymore. I can't accept that she ever did lie to me even tho there is proof she did. I can't accept that if her and I don't get back together now that we will never talk again. Above all... I can't accept that she is the primary source of my pain. Ok... Most of you were praying that would one day see that but remember... I have NOT accepted any of those.... Hopefully I will learn shortly how.... But my real wish is that I don't have to. And btw.... The first I told you so that I get I am making an appt for you to sit in this class with me. If you so much as suggest it.... I will no longer consider you a friend. You are the people that are making this process 10 times worse. When it comes to this stuff mixed with my brain chemistry.... I don't want to talk to you without a phd.... This is not easy stuff for me to do. Its not as easy as it is with most. I have my things to accept... All I ask is you accept my illness. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I bought an African Dwarf Frog for my one aquarium tonight. Just a couple hours ago I went to check on him.... and yea... well, he was not there. I spent about an hour searching... finally woke my dad and as he was getting ready to come down, I found him. He is still alive.... and there is now a nice addition of cardboard to my tank's hood..... but I literally got a zip lock container and had the frog in the container ready to go to Tanya's since her tank is completely covered and there is no way this frog could escape.... but then I saw him in that little container and I just couldnt do it... so I spent the last hour finding a way to prevent this from happening again. I lowered the water level a bit so that it would be more of a jump for him and then I also put cardboard on top of the areas I thought he could escape. There still is an area for the return of my external filter but im thinking with the flow of water, he wouldnt try to escape there anyway. I also set another 2 gallon tank up tonight as well. I have 3 tiger barbs and a snail in that one.... that tank is extra special cool but I cant tell anyone about it until Eli comes over to help me finish it :) Ok... goodnight... I needed to be in bed about 3 hours ago. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, September 06, 2004 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, September 05, 2004 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I want my life to end. I have no friends.... The ones that call me friend are really only setting me up or using me. I've had it... Someone just shoot me... Someone who "cares" about me. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Oh and maybe me breaking up with tanya was my choice... No matter that I didn't want it... I did it for tanya and eli and I remained in their lives like I promised and I was never against getting back with tanya. No matter that on friday I chose to start working on that.... But now my mind has to rethink it. When I accept that no one cares I will be better off. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
"I never should have left Tim" At least there was the decency to change one letter, right? I cant sit around my house... im going into work later. After I told all my therapists and doctors that there is ONE person that I could trust and that really cared about..... that person decides to make it known how she really feels today.... So, yea, I got no one...... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
It always happens.... just as I really seriously start believing someone cares about me, that person decides they would have been better off if they never met me. I guess I really am I mental paitient for good reason.... im so screwed up in the head no one can continue to care for me... This is my life... and I'll again learn to live with it. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, September 04, 2004 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wondering what I think of you and I protect you out of courtesy Too many times that I’ve held on what I needed to push away Afraid to say what was on my mind afraid to say what I need to say Too many things that you said about me when I’m not around You think having the upper hand means you gotta keep putting me down But I’ve had too many standoffs with you it’s about as much as I can stand So I’m waiting until the upper hand is mine (One minute you're on top) Next you're not watch you drop (Making your heart stop) Just before you hit the floor (One minute you're on top) Next you're not missed a shot (Making you're heart stop) You think you've won (And then it's all gone) So many people like me put so much trust in all your lies So concerned with what you think to just say what we feel inside So many people like me walk on eggshells all day long All I know is that all I want is to feel like I’m not stepped on There are so many things you say that make me feel you crossed the line What goes up will surely fall and I’m counting down the time Cause I’ve had so many standoffs with you it’s about as much as I can stand So I’m waiting until the upper hand is mine (One minute you're on top) Next you're not watch you drop (Making your heart stop) Just before you hit the floor (One minute you're on top) Next you're not missed a shot (Making you're heart stop) You think you've won (And then it's all gone) (And then he’s all gone) (And then it's all gone) (And then he’s all gone) (Now it’s all gone) I know I’ll never trust a single thing you say You knew your lies would divide us but you lied anyway And all the lies have got you floating up above us all But what goes up has got to fall (One minute you're on top) Next you're not watch you drop (Making your heart stop) Just before you hit the floor (One minute you're on top) Next you're not missed a shot (Making you're heart stop) You think you've won (And then it's all gone) (And then he’s all gone) (And then it's all gone) (And then he’s all gone) (Now it’s all gone) -- Linkin Park "Hit the Floor" (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, September 03, 2004 |
Pittsburgh sucks! 40 mins to get out of Oakland... it was nuts... they dont have any signs to tell you where your going and then the people who drive there all the time are pricks..... no help at all... stupid people.... My schedule will now include being in Oakland from 1pm-4pm on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. I think this program will really help me... I just hope I get to see a psychiatrist soon... I need medicine issues taken care of. I will not be going to VA this week but will be working for EIComm from home (so at least I wont lose those hours). I will then resume going to VA on wed and fri the following week. The thing thats gonna hurt is I will only be able to work at Computer Connections from 9am-12pm mon, tues, and thursday. This is a big cut in hours. God will take care of me im sure. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
It was destined to happen I guess.... I'm so much of a psychotic wreck that I was gonna end up in the ER. I was very close to being admitted but they said that I showed signs of sanity even within my episodes so they let me enter an intensive outpaitient program.... I have to be in Pittsburgh every day for a while... well, every business day for counseling, workshops, psyciatric help, etc..... this will last 1-3 weeks and also means Im going to be freaking broke. I cant go to VA because of this so I lose those hours... plus this will take HUGE chunks out of my computer connections pay.... so just about the time I get one frustration taken care of, I'll be broke again. I really do hate my life. I'm such a wreck. My life has been destroyed and so often I feel like no one cares.... Why people treat me like shit is beyond me.... I hate it.... and I think some people... one in paticular just thinks its funny when im worked up.... I wonder if I did actually kill myself if it would be funny... im sure it would.... Im getting too worked up again.... im gonna go cry myself to sleep in a little bit... it seems to be what I do best. A serious thanks to those who have been praying for me... a sarcastic thanks to all of those people who screwed my life up. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, September 02, 2004 |
So yea, I'm down again.... its so incredibly bed time.... guess I'll cry myself to sleep again... why do I have to be such a screw up? (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, September 01, 2004 |
About 5 mins ago my mom called me in a crying style voice asking if I had any meds in my room to help her tooth... No I didn't but I wanted to just scream and yell about the scenario... I didnt... She is my mom. My head started hurting.... Chest started hurting... Yup... Panic attack. As I was leaving va I got stuck behind a truck driving 30 mph. I got so angry. I just started wanting to punch things. That sorta thing has always upset me but this was different. This was real anger.... Headache was there too. I have some serious issues and I don't want to go through them. I am about to become a psych paitient and I hate it... Because I know the truth now. I am psychotic. Whether it was someone who put me there or not.... I'm just psychotic. And btw... I don't want anymore bad news.... None. I have been there for people my whole life and have never expected anything in return.... I can't do it anymore. I don't care what pain your in... I don't care who called you a name.... I don't care if your cat died.... I just can't take it anymore..... I can't even directly talk to some one about MY problems because ill know they'll have their solution to tell me which will differ from the other hundred I've been told. in short.... Just shut up and let me suffer by myself. I am doing just fine suffering... I don't need anyone else to create more. God I need help. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Things are still very hectic in my mind. I'm getting a little more used to the fact that I have to go to Western Psych next week. My appt is on the 7th so I got about a week. Still a little nervous tho. This is all new to me.... I just wish other people would quit having solutions for me. Unless you have some kind of a degree AND you care about me I dont want to hear it. I have people that care, and I have people that have a degree.... Dr. Gaul is the only person that has both.... thats why I trust him.... and I will trust him on this decission to send me to Western Psych. This is definately a better place than Westmoreland's Comprehensive Counseling Center that I was in right after Christmas. We shouldnt see me being admitted this time.... but God only knows. Well, even tho its 2am, I just got my shower and I am leaving for VA. I can not sleep worth a darn. My plan is start driving now... if I get 2 hours into the drive and get tired, i pull over and sleep. Either way, id rather cut the time im driving tired down as much as I can. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved
BibleBoy's Blog by Bob K Mertz is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.
