Saturday, December 31, 2005 |
Less than 15 mins left of 2005! Is everyone ready for leap second? And this will be the last blog of the year....... Ill see ya'ins next (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Looking back, I have to say that 2005 was by far the year that I changed the most in. I think that I have become a better person and I have learned a lot. I may have had my first taste of moving out on my own in 1999 but its this year that I had my own home Granted, the home was just me but I learned a lot more and took on a lot more than what I did in Florida in 1999. People have told me how much I have matured over the last year. Maybe I have. I hope I have. I still feel like me tho. I mean, this is who I am and I like who I am. I hate many of the thing that I have to go through but its all shaping me to be a better person in the future. Who can deny that that is a great thing? History repeats its self they say. I think there is a lot of truth to that. So what will 2006 be for me? I think a lot of the same stuff that 2005 was with new twists. Im sure it wont be any less exciting than 2005 J As for what I want to accomplish? I really would like to find the girl and start working towards the family that I have always dreamed of. I had a lot of hope in that situation until a few days ago. And that may be why Ive been feeling so anxious recently. So I guess my goal is to refocus myself and get that hope back somehow. There has been a quote as you enter my website for years that has said about living without hope. I dont mention that quote a lot but it means a lot to me and is very real to me. Having hope is the most important thing. Maybe thats why Im always looking for answersI want to know whats going to happen so that I have something to look forward to. But I do realize that sometimes its not Gods will for us to know yet. And I will learn to be more and more content with that idea. I have been through quite a lot this year and every one of you have impacted the outcome in various different ways. Your prayers mean more to me than can be imagined. And some of you may have hurt me. But thats ok because it was all a part of making me who I am right now.. Garth Brooks has an amazing song called The Dance that really means a lot. And I think that it could be my theme song for the ending of 2005. Looking back on the memory of The dance we shared beneath the stars above For a moment all the world was right How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd of had to miss the dance Holding you I held everything For a moment wasn't I the king But if I'd only known how the king would fall Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd of had to miss the dance Yes my life is better left to chance I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance I sure could have been a lot happier with less pain in 2005. But all of that pain is leading up for a better 2006.. and all the pain I experience in 2006 will lead up for a better 2007. I pray that 2006 brings a lot of great things for all of us. Maybe Ill finally meet the girl of my dreams. Maybe I wont. But I can look forward and hope for that to come. Whether it comes in 2006 or later or why not even in 2005? I still have 10 hours, right? J Im also looking forward to doing great things with New Life this year. I hope that I can become more and more involved with my church and be able to take them to new levels with their technology. I pray that God uses me in 2006 even more so than He did in 2005. So I just want to take this time to thank all of you for the support that you have given me in 2005 and I want to wish you and your families a great 2006. God Bless! "Man can live about 40 days without food, about 3 days without water, about 8 minutes without air but only about 1 second without hope." -From Hal Lindsey's "The Terminal Generation" book (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, December 30, 2005 |
I'm really not doing so well right now. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
:( (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
.... If only companies would not screw up in the first place we wouldnt even have to call.... but when they make it hard to call, it seems like they just want to avoid their errors...... *sigh* No wonder most of America has high blood pressure...... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
By myself at the back of my brain I cannot see What You're showing me thorugh this pain I have found That I have found Nothing for so long (Chorus) I don't understand I don't need to I know You've a plan You will see through It is in Your hands I believe You (Verse 2) I say goodbye I leave my loved ones far behind I'm asking Why is the story of my life I have found That I have found Nothing for so long (Repeat Chorus) I was only wondering I've been trying to understand I know there is more So much more than I can see (Repeat Chorus x2) "I Don't Understand" by PFR (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
God tests His children over and over again until they get it right. I was doing so well.... but tonight, I failed..... its truly the only thing that I do not fail at: failing. Now I know the test will come again. I've screwed up.... God may forgive me, but people wont. Not even those who mean the world to me. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I.... I am a failure.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, December 29, 2005 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I feel like thats what is going on. I'm playing a big game. I'm not sure how many lives I have... how many mistakes I can make.... hell, I'm not even sure what the name of the game is. I'm kind of getting burnt out tho. Sometimes you just get bored with the same thing repeating it's self over and over again. Asteroids was a great Atari game.... but every level was the same thing but a little faster..... there was nothing new and exciting.... thats what my life is... a game of asteroids. I'd much rather be playing Super Mario 3 or something where every level is at least a little different.... but its the same things over and over again for me..... just gets faster and a little tougher.... but nothing new and exciting for me.... I'm bored... I'm burnt out.... I just want to go to sleep for a while.... maybe forever. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I'm sure that will be the last I hear of her for a while.... I wish I didnt have to make the first attempt at communication but I couldnt rely on her to do it.... and I'm not gonna do it again for at least a while (unless God would direct otherwise, I guess) so I guess that means that we wont talk for a while. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, December 28, 2005 |
Why cant people just say what they mean? Oh yea, you dont want to hurt me? Thats a good reason to lie.... its the most selfish thing you can do.... dont hurt me while your around me.... wait until its too late and you dont feel as guilty.... no matter that it will kill me 500% more than if you just told me the truth in the first place. PLEASE SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!!!!! If you hate me, tell me.... if you dont want to hire me, tell me.... if you love me, tell me (right), if you dont think im a good worker, tell me.... if you dont think I'm a great person, dont say it. Is it really that hard to tell the truth? :( (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, December 27, 2005 |
This sucks...... I was kinda upset this morning about some things on my mind but now this traffic is pushing me over the edge...... I just want to go home, forget about work for today, and cuddle up with my girlfriend..... But I don't have any vacation time to use and we all know that no girl will ever be truly interested in me for reasons other than using me...... *sigh* This message was sent using PIX-FLIX Messaging service from Verizon Wireless! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Needless to say, I'm not driving back home tonight.... I'll get some sleep and leave early AM to head back to VA and be there by 4pm for work. Its been a good weekend but yet a very trying weekend as well. Something is gonna have to happen with the whole Tiff situation.... if it doesnt, I really have to permanently give up. I've said it before but eventually I am going to have to really stick to it and just completely say its over... I cant keep putting myself through this. She wont tell me what she wants or whats going on.... but yet ive had text messages a few times over the last week that just make me go wtf.... and when I try to start a conversation, it doesnt happen.... its just one text message and thats it. So I dont know.... so many messed up things going on right now... its amazing how many decissions that other people make can really affect your life in bad ways... but yet I do know that God will take care of you if you take the steps that you need to take. There is no doubt in my mind that Tiff and I should not be in this limbo situation.... things should have happened alot differently... but she seems to still be affraid to take the actions she needs to.... its hard on me, yes... but God is taking care of me.... and God gives many chances I have learned but I have also learned that He doesnt let the other person go through it too many times before He moves that person out of the situation and works on the person not making the decission in another way.... It's happened to me many times... and I so many times wish I would have learned my lesson on the first time.... but I didnt... fear kept me from doing so many things.... but I cant tell you how much better it is to live a life of faith.... a life that allows you to just jump when God says to and not question it.... sure I still do but not near as much as I used to... and my life is so much better. So do I know what is going to happen between Tiff and I? Not a clue.... but what I do know is that God isnt going to let me be in this situation much longer.... one of two things is possible.... 1> I'm wrong or 2> Tiff is scared to death to do what she needs to. Either way, its not going to be long before God either convinces me I'm wrong or He works on Tiff another way with me completely out of the picture..... or of course things could be corrected the way they should have been a year ago.... but im not putting my hopes in any certain place other than putting my faith in God that He is going to take care of me. I care about Tiff very much, but I cant continue to concern my life with her and let things bug me.... I'm starting to realize (finally) that no matter what I do, I can not make any decissions for her.... she must listen to God and then act in the faith that she needs to.... if I was able to make that choice for her, then she would never learn.... Alright, well.... I'm gonna get some things done here and then get my butt to bed.... Good night everyone! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, December 26, 2005 |
Oh... and I got a text message tonight too.... I dont understand..... if two people are so much alike that they seem like they are cloned, you'd think they'd be really close, right? *shrug* Well, tomorrow is an EXTREMELY busy day for me..... gotta help some people out and most importantly, I have to go play with Eli.... well, I dont have to... I WANT TO! So I guess I'm gonna get to bed..... well, of course I'll check myspace first because im not addicted or anything :D Hope everyone had a great Christmas! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, December 25, 2005 |
Oh well... we're playing a game so I'm gonna get going..... more later probably. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(Oh, girl) Christmas ain't the same without you... Waiting for the day I see you again It's Christmas night I'm by the fireside Wishing that you and I Could share our love one last time And baby, I need you near me Right here with me for eternity (oh oh) Exchaning gifts of warmth and tenderness Holding you close is my Christmas wish! Chorus: Christmas ain't the same without you It just doesn't feel like it used to Waiting for the day I'll see you again ('til I see you) I hold my breath and pray to the stars for you 'til then Baby I, made some mistakes that I Really regret inside (why can't we get one last chance?) Aww... I loved you girl With all of my heart! Right from the start Thought we'd never part (oh no) Remembering your touch and your eternal bliss That is my only Christmas wish! Chorus (2x) (Oh no no no) I hold my breath and pray to the stars for you 'til then (Oh no!) Christmas ain't the same without you... The same... Chorus (2x) "Christmas Wish" by 98 Degrees (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, December 24, 2005 |
 (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I'm not out to get credit or to be known as this great person because I really truly am no different than any other person.... I dont deserve credit.... but what I really need is appriciation. As long as I am appriciated, I am happy. And I think that this was a big thing that took a role in the Carpathia thing.... I never really felt appriciated.... but now that I work under Scotty, I do feel that way. Just saying thanks or "hey that was really good" or whatever is enough to keep me going.... its needed. I want to help people and I want to make an impact and when I know I am appriciated, I know that I am doing my job. So it starts out basically this way.... today there was some of the "do this, do that" thing that always goes on when I'm up here in PA. I hate it. I do have to say tho, I am very thankful that it wasnt as bad as it usually is.... but when I'm up here in PA, this is supposed to be a break for me.... but just laying on the couch is impossible because I cant go more than a half hour without someone saying "could you do this _____ (fill in the blank)" ... its horrible.... but the thing that makes it so bad isnt helping someone out.... its the fact that its not really appriciated. If I'm here, this is expected of me.... but last I checked, I dont live here..... Dont get me wrong... I love being here and seeing my family and stuff, but the reality is, I'm not an official part of the household even tho I am still very much a part of the family.... Caring about your family and doing stuff for them is important and should never change, however, things for the daily operations of the house shouldnt be a requirement.... not saying that I never want to help out at all.... but its not a duty any more... Sure I'll help out.... but I hope that it would be appriciated and not just taken for granted.... sometimes I do think that my family takes me for granted.... not that that means they dont love me.... but sometimes its easy to do whether someone is worth something or not.... I'm probably more of a burden to this family than anything, but I am who I am and even if I bring one good thing to the table, I hope that its not taken for granted..... But here is the big thing I realized.... Here in PA there is a ton of people that still rely on my computer help... I sent out an email this past week saying that Saturday and Sunday were *MY* days and I did not want to be working on computers..... but then I called Bud and he said not to even worry about helping him out on Monday.... this was so greatly appriciated because of his respect that I have a life too.... but the next thing I knew, I was talking about the possibility of helping him out with a little project Saturday morning..... and yes, it was *MY* idea.... yet someone else called and told me their computer crashed and the last thing I wanted to do was even think about looking at their machine.... whats the difference? I realized today that I actually enjoy helping Bud with his computers.... I dont mind even the slighest bit.... and I helped Beth out tonight too and I enjoyed that as well.... but the other person I dont even want to look at their machine.... well, there are alot of things that roll into that. First of all, of all the people I know, Bud is one of the greatest people I know. There are very few people that are as upstanding as him.... He's got a good heart and a good head. And the big thing? He appriciates what I do. He realizes that if a computer in his office doesnt boot it doesnt neccesarily mean that its my immediate emergency but whats more important is that he also realizes that it's not the end of the world. So please explain to me how this person can lose thousands of dollars over a computer being down and yet its not the end of the world, but someone else's daughter cant get on the internet and someone has to stop the world from turning until its fixed. Come on! Whats worse is when you ask for advice from me, you dont take it, and then next thing you know I'm supposed to support the results of not taking my advice.... and heaven forbid it take a while. Why cant those people realize that I am a human being as well and that I have a life and that, yes, even geeks need to relax sometimes. People tell me all the time that they wish they knew half of what I know.... and I simply respond "No, you dont.... you have no idea what its like"..... But thats the thing.... I love working with Bud and Beth and alot of other friends..... I love working on my grandmother's computer.... these people all really appriciate what it is that I do.... some pay me, and some dont.... but its not about money.... it may help when I'm setting priorities but thats not what makes the job worth doing.... what makes the job worth doing is when I can do something that I already enjoy and it not be a chore and I realize that what I do is appriciated. See, maybe it takes time out of my schedule, but its something that I ENJOY doing.... but when the situation is different and I am expected to fix something immediately, its not longer a chore... thats when it becomes a job. That's also the point where I do an in and out thing.... get in, make it work, and get out.... but do you think thats what I do at Bud's office? Not at all! I go in, I do the job that needs done, I do some maintence, I check things... I try new things.... I learn alot and I advance what is going on in the office to the best of my ability while at the same time increasing my ability.... and Bud knows that if the world does stop, he can certainly call me at any time and I will do whatever I can in my power to help him out... and I know that that will be appriciated.... but if I'm in a meeting and I cant take the call, he understands that too.... While Bud is very high on my priority list because of that appriciation, that doesnt mean that I *CAN* put him at the very top.... sometimes I wish I could... but that isnt the reality of things. So maybe this will speak to someone.... realize what people do for you and what that means to you... and then let them know.... Believe me, you'll get alot more out of them, they'll feel better, and everyone just wins. It's all about appriciation.... If my church offered me a job right now for less money than I make at Carpathia, there is a good chance that I would take it (provided it was enough to live on).... Simply because its not about the money but about what you can really do to help, what the common goal is, and above all else, its how much you are appriciated...... So, wow, this is becomming a long blog. But the last thing about my day.... I was very frustrated all day and kind of out of it..... but then I went to Beth's and fixed her computer for her and finally got a hold of Patti to find out about visiting Eli.... she had him tonight so I ended up going over and Eli came with us to do some shopping.... We ended up getting a few Portable DVD players for $-5 ... yes, the - is there on purpose. Radio Shack made an error I guess and posted two rebates on their website for this player which, once rebates are received, you make $5 on the deal.... Its a little skeptical as to whether the second rebate will work but Radio Shack did say they will honor the rebate forms that were already released..... if they dont, I think it'll be a PR nightmare for them..... but then I went back to Patti's house and let Eli open his present from me.... I got him a little laser tag set.... but it was too late to play with it so I am gonna go back on Monday and play with him again!!! :) Eli can make the worst day into the best day.... He's the sweetest little boy in the world. And it really melts your heart when someone cries when you leave.... its hard for me to see Eli cry for any reason, but I like to know that I mean something to him.... I guess it goes back to the appriciation thing. Another thing was he called me "dad" twice tonight. the first time he caught himself and said "I mean Bobby" and the second time I asked him what my name was and he said "oh... bobby" .... Believe me, any time that he does this, I correct him... I'm not his dad, nor will I ever be.... but I do love him like he was my own son..... but even tho I correct him and make sure he realizes that I'm not his dad, it still melts my heart more than you can even imagine.... Yaknow.... just thinking about a survey I did on myspace a few days ago.... it asked who the last person that said "I love you" to you and really meant it was.... I didnt answer this way.... but the true answer to that question is Eli.... We tell each other "I love you" all the time.... and sometimes I feel like he is the only person that does. And yes, my mom says it too.... and not to discount that she does love me.... but she has to say it, yaknow? Thats a natural thing.... but when your best friend in the whole world is a 5 year old boy and he loves you with all his heart and you love him with all your heart, well, then.... that's a strong feeling.... Well, I think I need to get to bed. I hope everyone has a great Christmas! I'm sure there will be another blog soon! God Bless and goodnight! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, December 23, 2005 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
And of course, Christmas dreams don't come true for me. I really have to completely stop having any kind of hope in this at all.... Argh..... I better go to bed and cry myself to sleep. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, December 22, 2005 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, December 21, 2005 |
"This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it" One more shift before I start my vacation..... ahhhhhhh :) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, December 20, 2005 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, December 19, 2005 |
Today at church the sermon was about Mary and Joseph.... Here's the thing that hit me out of this whole sermon tho.... What was the biggest thing that stood out to me? Fear! So much fear..... Brett put it best in his sermon tho.... If an angel of the Lord appears to you and says "this is how it will be" ... are you going to argue with him? Well, thats what Mary did.... she questioned how a virgin birth could happen.... eventually tho, she realized that it was to be..... then joseph.... You kinda have to feel bad for the man.... the woman he loves goes away for 3 months and she comes back pregnant.... what do you think? Honestly, put that in the context of today.... there'd be some pretty creative names for Mary.... Think of the fear that kept joseph from believing.... but God understood and gave him a message.... and it was tough.... ultimately, fear hindered them both but didnt stop them.... but what if it had? Think about that the next time you KNOW you have to make a decission and you KNOW what that decission needs to be but you are scared to death.... just think that if fear ultimately won over Mary and Joseph.... think of what would have changed..... just think about it.... then ask yourself if you are ready to destroy something beautiful that God has planned. In so many cases the things God prepares for us is absolutely not logical in any way shape or form.... and these thoughts have been hitting me all day and then I was telling Kim the story of my car situation when I first moved here to VA. If you cant remember, look back on my blog.... very interesting times.... but here is the thing.... God had really provided for my needs as well as someone else's needs. There was alot of stupid stuff that happened.... and alot of dumb luck.... and I made decissions that made people go "what the heck is he doing... he is such an idiot and has no clue about anything" .... but I did what I believed.... and in the end..... well, let's just say this.... how many people can say "ummm.... I ended up with an extra car... what should I do with it?" Sure, the logical worldy answer is sell it.... but if God has opened a door and completely provided for your needs and gave you more than enough.... what is the best thing to do? Use the abundance to bless others.... it's what I did then.... and it's what I hope to do now. See thats the thing that no one realizes.... making the unpopular decissions is so many times the decission God wants us to make so that He can abundantly bless us. Sure I was called stupid.... yes, to my face.... but I stuck through with what I needed to do.... sure I was hurt by the reaction.... but I did what I believed I needed to do..... and what ended up happening? Well, in an amazing way, I ended up with being forgiven of a $2k loan in a time of more need.... So God provided for my needs, I used the abundance that He gave me to provide for someone else's needs (whether they wanted God to provide or not) and in the end, all it did was provide for another one of my needs.... So here's something on a more personal level that is really bugging me.... and I'm scared to death to post this because of being yelled at for it.... but I guess I need to do what I feel is right.... maybe this will somehow minister to someone else.... I dont know how, but then again, I never dreamed when I started this blog that I would get emails from complete strangers saying how much I have impacted their life.... so anyway, a few months before Tiff and I broke up, we were looking into ways for her to move to Virginia..... moving in with me was an option.... (before you say it, shut up).... it made sense in a lot of senses and I really prayed about it but the end was Tiff felt it was going to destory her dream of getting to Vet school.... amazingly, God clearly showed that being a VA resident only increased her chances of Vet School.... but then it was more of an issue of us living together..... now let me take a break here..... When someone says "God told me to _____ " you do have to be very skeptical.... but at the same time, you have to weight it against Biblical guidelines. There is nothing in the Bible that I could find that indicates a man and woman should not live in the same house/apartment.... However, it does say about temptation.... therefore, I have to say that most people shouldnt do it..... but, it is not Biblical wrong..... if someone tells you that "God said this is the 67th book of the Bible" then you immediately know its not because in Revelation is specifically states not to add or remove from the words of Scripture.... Relate this back to Mary and Joseph and think about it..... was there anything wrong with being pregnant before marriage? Well, no... there wasnt.... but sex before marriage is definately wrong. So put that into perspective.... an image was painted of a sinful act, but it really wasnt.... and this was the source of our Lord........ ok, so anyway, it was an issue of us living together.... So next thing I did was talk to my pastor because it was very important to see Tiffany's dreams come true... it was also very important that we were able to spend more time together to keep our relationship alive.... Mike told me he didnt agree with her moving in with me but he said he wasnt saying no but he was advising against it.... either way, Tiff had made up her mine and that was fine. So, Just like God gave Moses the option of taking Aaron along with him, God gave another option here.... Moses argued with God that he was not able to do what God had commanded. God became frustrated with Moses but then did bring Aaron along to go along side him.... God gave a second chance to Moses to be involved in this great thing God was about to do. So the second chance in this story... We were going to find someone at the church that Tiff could live with.... whether it be a family, room mate..... heck.... Mike even told me the church was looking for some office staff that Tiff could fill and actually have an income while getting ready for vet school.... It wasnt long after this that Tiff and I fell apart.... I started becomming an emotional basket case and I was too much for her to deal with.... I was getting worse because I didnt have her here with me and it seemed like she was .... well, it doesnt matter.... I felt rejected in the relationship and eventually, she said it had to end and she gave up..... and for the longest time I said that that must have been the way God meant it to be. Fear is what killed alot of hopes and dreams.... and I dont believe that things would still be as they are now if fear hadnt killed a relationship.... my fear of Tiff leaving me, and Tiff's fear of her parents rejecting her and her fear of commitment..... Earlier I said that things arent as they should be and that is why I need to make some pretty tough decissions right now. No one likes to make tough decissions so thats where I'm at... but that is the extent of it.... I am extremely happy in my life right now..... And God is taking care of me and He is providing for me... and He is using me whether I am worthy of it or not.... in fact, I'm probably the least worthy of serving God.... I'm not even worthy of cleaning His toilets! So whats the problem? Well.... this isnt how God intended it.... not at all. I'm faced with the decission of staying in VA for my church for Christmas and being completely alone.... or I can go home and miss out on church.... so whats wrong? Well.... whats wrong is that Tiff isnt here..... I believe that Tiff and I both needed to get away from our families because they were both killing us.... nothing against the families (I really do love my family) but it was becoming stressful.... God was starting to do things in my life and in Tiff's life that just werent east for our families to accept... more so than that, there were HUGE hinderances to what God wanted us to do.... Basically, both families put alot of fear in us from doing the right things..... not that it was intentional.... it just happened.... bottom line is we needed out.... and I am out now and my dreams are coming true .... Sure, im not seemingly progressing too well on the goal of my life (having a great wife and kids) but I know God's setting up plan B (or maybe it's C or D... or Q) for my family.... The thing is this.... if Tiff was living in VA, by now she would have been completely comfortable here.... and I think that it would have been a no brainer that Tiff and I stay in VA for Christmas.... we'd have each other to spend time with and we would be here for New Life.... the ultimate reason why ALOT of people at New Life are now living in Northern VA. So there it is.... the no brainer..... So now you've read this.... its out there in the public... and please think of me because I've probably just destroyed alot of hope of things working towards the direction that I had hoped them to.... It feels good to get this out there but I know I know I've pretty much.... well, lets just say I'm a bit worried about the results of this.... but the thing is.... if this post ministers to someone and touches someone.... maybe makes someone else feel a bit better... or shows them a way that they have been avoiding... well, then I guess any pain that I get because I posted this is all worth it. It's not about me.... its not about what I have.... its about what I can give.... and that is what is most important to me. I have alot of frustrations in my life... but the biggest one of all is when I see someone hurting and I cant do a single thing about it..... that is the worst frustration for me. But people still may ask me what it is that I truly want for Christmas. If I could ask for one selfish thing for me for Christmas, what would it be? Honestly? It would be when I arrive back to my parents house this Thursday, I see Tiff sitting there waiting for me.... a big hug would be nice too.... but then again, that is the last thing possible that will happen.... especially after I posted this..... so I guess maybe I should ask for a second choice for my selfish thing that I could do for me..... Somehow, someway, see that Tiff's dreams are coming true and that she is once happy again.... but then again, I dont have control over that.... only she can make the decissions so I'm out of the loop.... So there.... there is alot of what has been on my mind.... alot of it tied together with things that God showed me today.... plenty of stuff in there to completely attack me with... plenty of stuff for people to come back on me about..... I'm sure there's stuff in there that people will make out to be that I'm a horrible Christian or that I'm an idiot.... or that I'm making stuff up.... or that I'm being too personal... or that I'm saying too much... or that I'm hurting myself or others or that I'm doing this or that..... but yaknow what? There is one thing that I have learned over the last few years.... its that all these people that continually tell me they are only trying to teach me a lesson have, in all reality, taught me one of the most important lessons of my life..... that it doesnt matter what others think...... Honestly... you want to attack me for something, go right ahead.... something tells me that your not gonna be the first and that your definately not going to be the last.... I'm not anywhere near worthy of being God's servant, but for some reason, I am.... and just like anyone else out there who really truly wants to serve God, I am on the same level as Mary, Joseph, Job, James, Mathew, Mark, etc, etc.... I follow what I believe and what God shows me and shares with me.... So go ahead.... there is a cross with my name on it.... it has all of the sins that I ever commited.... so nail me to it.... because when you do that, I know that I can look to the side and see Jesus hanging there on the cross next to me.... I can look in His eyes and ask Him to remember me.... He will then tell me that I will spend eternity with Him in Heaven..... (It took me an hour to write this blog and may just be one of the top 10 longest posts I ever made - maybe even the longest - but I guess if you're reading this line here, you made it through and you truly are interested in my life and what thoughts I have on my mind. I dont suspect that I'll hear much from anyone tho because I would think most people have stopped about half way through this. If your reading this tho, please send me an email or post a comment and let me know.) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, December 18, 2005 |
At any rate, I still dont know what I'm doing about Christmas.... I'm so torn. I want to be at New Life for the Christmas Eve and the Christmas services.... but yet I want to go home.... but then again, I sometimes feel so out of place at home because im getting so much more used to being here..... but if I stay here for Christmas, then outside of the church services, I'll be all alone for Christmas..... Sadly, I'm realizing that things arent like they should be right now and that is why I need to make this decission..... I'll have to touch on that a little bit later..... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
it never used to be that bright last night but it's a new day with fuzz in my eyes alarm is still ringing when I open the blinds how do these people do it they are like driving around like there's nothing to it I imagine it's like the medication their on or probably just the coffee but one thing is certain in life and that is that today I'm going to eat cereal I mean come on let's get our priorities straight but before I know it I'm out the door late just trying to catch some rat or some race or something I'm not quite sure what it is so for now I just best keep moving and by nine a.m. my brain and my body finally decide to meet and we come to the same conclusion as yesterday that I never get enough sleep {chorus}: sleep, no I never get enough always waking up tired sleep, no I never get enough if I don't show up I might get fired sleep, no I never get enough always waking up tired sleep, no I never get enough if I don't show up I might get fired they call it commuting but I think they should call it intravenous cause it's what I need every time I get stuck behind a truck, just trying to turn left just trying to turn left, why are you trying to turn left why don't you park your silly cube van hop in I'll drop you off cause at this rate we'll both be late but I'd rather be late than sitting here doing nothing and by nine a.m. my brain and my body finally decide to meet and we come to the same conclusion as yesterday that I never get enough sleep {bridge}: sleep go on and sleep some more sleep go on and sleep some more "Sleep" by Riley Armstrong (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, December 17, 2005 |
Things are working out well for me right now. Sure there is a few frustrations, but life without them is just plain boring. Maybe I dont have everything I wanted or everything I expected to have right now.... but the truth is that I'm probably happier than if I had everything I wanted. What reason is there to complain? Some great things are happening and I know God is going to use me, and already is. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Actually... the more I think about this, it really seems that sometimes God allows you to change back to a certain way of thinking just to give someone else another shot.... We know that God is all about second and third (and more) chances.... but I think that sometimes He wont let that chance be given to someone else through us. I've seen this in relationships and I've seen this in jobs. I find myself coming back to a person or a job or whatever else and that lasts for a time..... and I guess that maybe those times are when God is giving that person/company a window of opportunity to change something..... but what holds them back? Probably a number of things.... I think fear is the absolute destruction of following God. You have to take so many steps of faith to be in tune with God.... and if your affraid of the unknown and you constantly ask yourself "what-ifs", then you simply arent going to make it until you learn to do that. People have taken chances on me.... people have given up on me.... and whether they followed God's will or not is not for me to decide.... did it drastically affect me? Very much so! But the thing is that in the end, things have become better or are becoming better. Look at Carpathia.... I had to make some very drastic decissions.... and actually, I changed my way of thinking quite a few times.... and I really believe those were all at God's lead and part of God's plan for letting Carpathia resolve things that needed resolved.... and what happened? Well... Carpathia took that chance on me, gave me a raise, etc.... and here I am.... working for Carpathia and loving it.... but what would have happened if I never followed God's lead and gave my two weeks notice on a complete step of faith? What if Carpathia didnt decide to take a chance on me? Life is all about taking chances and stepping out in faith and following your heart. You can not, in any way, except others to make the decissions for you. If you want to follow God you absolutely have to step out in faith and say "Ok God, this is what I believe you are telling me.... so here goes" ... And if your heart really believes that I think even if you are wrong, God is going to honor it because you actually took that step with the right heart and He'll make sure He takes care of you. Where I'm at right now.... I cant imagine having a tug at my heart that I'm too affraid to make known.... I dont know how I would or even could handle that. God has prepared me so much to take these huge steps and huge leaps and to ignore what others think of me.... if I was affraid to follow God's lead, I just dont know how I w |