Thursday, June 30, 2005 |
I don't want anyone to ever tell me my life isn't adventurous :) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
At least I got some sleep... But gosh darn is it hot sitting in a car in line in summer in VA with broken AC..... I think AC will be my next order of business. Let's just hope for the best.... And BTW... God did provide for rent tomorrow.... Actually he provided more abundantly than needed.... Yes, I serve an amazing God! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I need sleep.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, June 29, 2005 |
I really can't wait to get to bed tho :) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
First tho... my current situation. My car's registration expires tomorrow night at midnight and in the state of VA you can not re-register your car without having a valid emissions sticker.... my car has failed misserably... twice. This means that I have to get the thing diagnosed, fixed, and inspected again before midnight tomorrow. The biggest problem with this is that my rent is due on Friday.... in order to pay for fixing my car, that leaves me without my rent payment... and that also is bad in the state of VA... they can evict you within 2 weeks. So I'm in a pretty scary situation at the moment. I have an appointment for my car tomorrow... the emissions estimate is $79... that includes no work at all.... so the price is getting steep already.... but I dont have much of a choice, I guess. With all this inspection stuff I literally did not sleep at all last night.... about an hour ago I put an away message up that I was going to get a couple hours of sleep before work and immediately I got an email asking me to come in early.... well in the long run this may be good.... this means I can push myself a little bit but be done around 10pm so that I can actually get a decent sleep (plus I'll be tired enough to actually fall asleep) and get up early to get my car taken care of. At this point, I dont know where my rent money is coming from.... but I guess I'll leave that in God's Hands... He's provided so far. Now, regarding my last post... it seems there is alot of speculation on how I feel about Tiff.... I guess the truth is I'm not even sure.... I know this... I care about her alot. I dont understand why she gave up on me and walked away from me.... and I really dont understand why she hasnt responded to any of the letters that I sent her (basically I dont understand why she is ignoring me).... but I'm not meant to understand this stuff right now.... I respect her decissions.... Is it hard on me? Yes, of course.... this is the girl that I planned on spending my life with.... I dont know whats going on... a big part of me says Jim came back into the picture. I dont know if thats true or not... but even if it is, that is her decission... She needs to do what she feels is best for her.... all I can do is let her go.... I know that I have God on my side and that even tho people fail me and let go of me, I know that He will never let God. No matter how much of a pain I am to deal with... or how much of a horrible person I am or become, He will never leave me.... I am completely open to whatever God does. He has filled my life with some amazing people since Tiff left me.... why? Right now its nothing more than I need that friendship that I lost with Tiff... Where will those relationships go? I don't know... I'm not going to put words in God's mouth... I'll let Him do whatever it is that He is doing.... It is in His hands.... If I am to be with Tiff, she'll come back.... until then, I will respect her and let her make the decission to call me or whatnot.... If I am to be with someone else, great... whatever God wants is what is best for me and that is the route I am taking. My eyes are NOT closed to other possibilities.... in the past, they have been.... currently, they are on God and what He is doing. Now, regarding comments... please post them as much as you can. It really helps me when I know that people are actually reading and taking an intrest in my life... and never feel that you are offending or upsetting me.... it really takes alot to tick me off.... You can attack me and what I do all you want.... and I'll respond back.... but dont feel that you've offended me and don't feel like I am attacking you back.... All of this helps me iron out what is going on in this crazy little brain of mine. Here are a few ground rules for posting comments: * Please post them all you can * Do not attack God in any way. If you want to attack my religion or my bleifs, that is fine but do NOT attack God directly. * Do not attack Tiff... No arguments here... just dont do it. I know whats going on in some of your heads... and that is fine... but keep it to yourself. I care deeply about Tiff and I still have alot of respect for her. She does not deserve to be attacked by you.... and in all honesty, all your going to do is upset me too.... so you won't accomplish anything. I think those are about it.... I have about 10 hours to go till I can drop my car off and get my butt to bed.... boy am I looking forward to it. God, give me the strength..... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, June 28, 2005 |
This is one of those nights I wish I could go home and curl up with my girl.... But I guess it helps if you have a girl.... Lots of things rushing around in my mind today.... One of those is trying to figure out what I could have done differently so that Tiff wouldn't have given up on me. I don't know... I guess... Well... I *know* its God's will for me to be single now.... But for how long? Maybe till tomorrow? I guess the toughest thing is that I haven't even heard from Tiff.... I was so obsessed with seeing her accomplish her dream of becoming a vet.... And now I don't even know if she is still alive... I wrote her a letter... Well a couple... And I haven't heard anything... I'd love to know.... But then again if it's not God's will for us to be together then its probably for the better. Just a lot on my mind.... I know great things are right around the corner for.... The perfect girl is one of those. Ill be fine.... Just gotta get through the next few weeks. Please keep me in your prayers. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, June 27, 2005 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
My car failed emissions..... it passed fine when it was a PA car and we even just did a tune up on it.... So, I know that I need brakes replaced and now I need something done emissions wise..... whatever.... Dad made an appt at his garage so I'm leaving for PA in about a half hour.... I dont trust just taking my car to a mechanic down here yet.... need to find a good one before I spend money if you know what I mean.... Whoopeee.... life is exciting! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
"we should dip our hands into that chocolate stuff you put on ice cream that hardens after a while and then have a fist fight and people with green eyes should taste like kiwis and i wonder why you hate my pancreas and where the hell are my pants?!" (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
"sorry, im bored and have 3 hours before i have to go to work because my friend just woke me up saying something about "happy fathers day"..i dunno i dont have a kid? well anywayim just lookin for some new friends to go chill with n' da metroplex" I dunno.... just made me laugh :) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, June 26, 2005 |
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea. You've built a love but that love falls apart. Your little piece of heaven turns too dark. Listen to your heart when he's calling for you. Listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do. I don't know where you're going and I don't know why, but listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye. Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile. The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea. They're swept away and nothing is what is seems, the feeling of belonging to your dreams. And there are voices that want to be heard. So much to mention but you can't find the words. The scent of magic, the beauty that's been when love was wilder than the wind. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
That I never really got it right I never stopped to think of you I'm always wrapped up in Things I cannnot win You are the antidote that gets me by Something strong Like a drug that gets me high What I really meant to say Is I'm sorry for the way I am I never meant to be so cold to you And I'm sorry about all the lies Maybe in a different light You could see me stand on my own again Cause now i can see You were the antidote that got me by Something strong like a drug that got me high I never meant to be so cold I never really wanted you to see The screwed up side of me that I keep Locked inside of me so deep It always seems to get to me I never really wanted you to go So many things you should have known I guess for me theres just no hope I never meant to be so cold Crossfade - "Cold" (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light I can't remember how I can't remember why I'm lying here tonight And I can't stand the pain And I can't make it go away No I can't stand the pain Chorus: How could this happen to me I made my mistakes Got no where to run The night goes on As I'm fading away I'm sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me Everybody's screaming I try to make a sound but no one hears me I'm slipping off the edge I'm hanging by a thread I wanna start this over again So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered And I can't explain what happened And I can't erase the things that I've done No I can't How could this happen to me I made my mistakes Got no where to run The night goes on As I'm fading away I'm sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me I made my mistakes Got no where to run The night goes on As I'm fading away I'm sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
And if you ever call Linksys tech support and get Dominick (Tech ID: 16813) just hang up... your not going to get anywhere.... thats for sure. Oh, and when you go to change your rotors on your car and the rotor doesnt come off of the axel.... yea... thats bad too. Thank God this day is coming to an end. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, June 25, 2005 |
-- Begin Email Message -- Well, Looks like you’re the first person to bring to my attention the next step of Microsoft trying to stop piracy. They really get on my nerves with this stuff…. I understand the whole idea of them wanting everyone to legally own their software, but at the same time they kill the growth of technology and innovation…. But then again, I guess that’s what Microsoft is all about… Let’s screw over the industry and make things worse for everyone just so we can make money. At any rate, I need to look into this some more and find out how to get around this “Validate Windows” thing. At this point, what I am seeing indicates that you CAN update your computer without validation. When you get to the prompt about validating windows it should give you an option to say to skip validation. After you skip validation, it will let you download the file. From what I am reading so far, in the future this validation is going to be REQUIRED before you download a file. For now, try to skip validation and download the file. If it doesn’t work, don’t worry about it. Any legal copy of windows will pass the validation process at the moment but the truth of the matter is that I (nor anyone right now) don’t know what exactly this validation software does so I don’t want to tell ANYONE to run it, whether they have a completely legit copy of Windows or not. The whole idea behind this validation is stupid. They require you to legally own software before you update it – that makes sense…. However, what is horrible is the fact that the updates are designed to prevent security breaches but now they are requiring you to allow Microsoft to being destroying your privacy and breach your security for the sole purpose of preventing people from breaching your security…. I don’t understand how they get away with this crap. In the next edition, GM will be disabling the brakes automatically on any car that is stolen. Will it prevent some theft? Yes… But how many people will be injured or killed just for the purpose of stopping some illegal activity. Granted, Windows isn’t going to cause any death but there are lots of issues that this could cause… both to valid users and non-valid users of Windows -- some of those issues could be worse than death. I just wish the world understood how “Big Brother-ish” Microsoft was and what they are doing to literally destroy the industry as well as anyone’s privacy. I am always concerned about what information my computer is sending to Microsoft. There are way too many instances where people have monitored outbound traffic on their computers and watched unknown data be sent to Microsoft. It’s not fair and Microsoft is using their power to destroy our privacy at the same time they promote that they are helping protect your privacy. In my opinion, the people who do not have a legally registered copy of Windows are safer than those that do. Sure, there is the risk of Windows just stopping to work one day – but Microsoft has less of an idea of who that person is and what they do, which to me, is a worthwhile trade off. Someday the world will adapt to running Linux and we will be much better off…. I’ve never really recommended it to most people I know simply because its not mainstream… but after reading up on this Validation program, it might be time for everyone to start kicking in. -- End Email -- http://www.microsoft.com/genuine/downloads/whyValidate.aspx This is Microsoft's page regarding their new Validation program. Don't let the seemingly clear-cut privacy claims fool you. http://freerepublic.info/focus/f-news/1323223/posts This is an article and open discussion on this issue. http://short-media.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20681 Another thread of information. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, June 23, 2005 |
Anyway, I made it to Carpathia.... back on the ground... ready to work..... And here we go :) Busy night.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Some might question why I went through all of this for a two hour experience.... Its quite simple.... God led me. And looking back, at the end of this trip I am a better person because of what God did for me and in me while I was in Texas. But why did I go so far and push myself to do more than I had to? That really is quite simple too... Carpathia deserved it. They were understanding of me taking personal time and when I broke the news to them that I had flight problems and would be in to work tonight the response I got was a "thanks for letting us know". There was no argument. Did I have to go on such little sleep (since 7am wednesday I have had no more than 6 hours of sleep and will not sleep again until at least 3am tonight. No I don't have to but I want to. There may have been issues here and there but I am not going to reduce myself to working half a**ed. Its not me... If I have something to do I will give it all I have... And I see that being true until the day I die. This is how God wants us to live.... He made that very clear in His word. It is important to serve those who we work for. Its been rough but at the end of all of this I am realizing how much God honors the times we follow Him. I haven't had even so much time as to eat except a small meal on the plane last night and a very small meal at a&w today... And I won't eat again to tomorrow.... And yes I am sleep deprived but its not to mean that I am a better person... Just that followed Gods will. God has been blessing me so much. Providing the finances I need little by little.... When Tiff broke up with me I thought that I lost most of my support that meant the most to me.... But I put it in Gods hands and I met an awesome friend named Beth. Where is Tiff in my life and will she come back? I dunno... Where is Beth? I dunno. I just know that He provided my needs: a strong and supportive FRIENDSHIP. Where God leads all of this is in His hands. So now.... On with normal live until God gives me my next "mission" Thank you everyone for your prayers. They truly are evident. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Of course I am sure the next 48 hours will be just as interesting. Thanks for all of your prayers. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Always an adventure. Since sleep is becomming rare for me, I'm going to bed. Goodnight. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, June 22, 2005 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
God please lead me. I am so nervous. Ill be landing in dallas at 8:27... Remember that's an hour behind so that a little over 3 hours from now. Please keep praying for me. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
When the people saw the thunder and lightning and heard the trumpet and saw the mountain in smoke, they trembled with fear. They stayed at a distance You've always read it and always believed it but until you feel it, its just not the same. God is doing something.... and as excited as I am, Im still nervous and scared. God is powerful and the things that He can do are beyond our imagination.... Tomorrow I am flying to Texas... unfortunately I will not have any time to relax.... I have to go do some stuff and then I'm coming right back. I can't leave Carpathia hanging so I made sure to schedule an itenary that works. There are just some amazing things happening in my life... and they are happening very quickly. They are happening so quickly that I have no idea whats even going on.... but it's great. In the last few weeks it seems God has really given me a good kick and taught me what true faith was... Faith in Him. And on the other side of that... even tho there is a good amount of faith still driving me, I am now seeing evidence of God moving and working things out. I'm scared... yes, I am scared.... but at the same time I know this is all in God's Hands. He is Mighty and Powerful... and I can do ALL things through Him. I hope to post more when I know more about what is going on.... Please keep me in your prayers! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, June 20, 2005 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, June 19, 2005 |
Unfortunately I'm not joking.... hehe (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thanks everyone for your prayers! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I learned something very important today in church..... depression is a huge thing in America today.... it's everywhere... there are so many people that are depressed.... there are many causes for those an inside of those causes some are situational and some are clinical.... some are a combination of both. I am not against medicine, as you know.... but we've always accounted depression being internal if its clinical and external if it's situational. What people fail to realize is what is situational but internal...... Forgiveness..... its one of the best cures for many many many cases of depression.... Marsha Linehan, PhD, started a treatment program that is being used in many clinical hospitals.... this was the case in the program I went through at Western Psych. The baseline of this series is the saying "It is what it is" .... and after today I realize that secular society is just *STARTING* to catch up with what God has already been saying. It is what it is... and it can't be changed.... and the series basically explains how to cope with things and not be angry about what has happened because "it is what it is" ... but really.... when wrong has been done to you, you can obsess so much on getting even.... forgiving someone is the best way to put some cares behind you. Forgiveness is NOT excusing people.... it is only forgiving... it's giving up your right to get even..... This is why Jesus told Peter that we need to forgive people 70x7. Jesus also says alot about forgiveness in Mathew 18 when he says about the king forgiving the 10,000 talents. The amount of that money is such that someone in those days could not earn even in 200,000 lifetimes..... this is a huge debt... more than we could even imagine. The king forgave this man... and as this man left he was given an oppritunity to share what had been done and instead, he didnt change his heart and had someone thrown in jail. I think all of this makes sense as to why we are a "Prozac Nation" as the movie put it that I spoke of a couple of weeks ago. Think about our nation.... no one forgives anyone.... we are a sue crazy nation.... I had to deal with this myself... but I realize that the forgiveness I can give is more than anyone could ever pay me. We're always out to get even. This is what stresses us out so much and depresses us.... if we could learn to forgive, we would certainly be a better people. I have done wrong to people and people have done wrong to me. In the past few weeks I have been hurt multiple times and drasticly by people.... but my job is to forgive.... and it can only be my prayer that those others forgive me as well. So is the lack of forgiveness my problem? Hey, it just might be..... what I do know is that its at least part of it. I believe that I do have some clinical stuff.... but I also know that if I want to continue coping with those issues I need to start learning how to forgive people. Even with one incident I might need to forgive the 70x7 that Jesus spoke of. People have hurt me in my past... and there are times where those things come back to me.... its my job to forgive again. Is it too hard to forgive? No... its hard... but not too hard.... think of what Jesus forgave us of. We should all be going to hell.... but He saved us through His death on the cross..... He gave His life.... not only did he die but he was tortured.... I think we need to remember this each and every day. Jesus came down to this earth.... to live like us.... to learn what we go through.... so that He could feel it.... and ultimately He did it to not only for that but to lay down His life for us. Next time someone hurts you.... think of it as experiencing just a fraction of a percent of what Jesus felt.... and then try to think just how serious that pain is.... doesnt looks so big anymore, does it? (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I didn't mean to get so mad. Let me just hold you closely. How did things get so bad? I know how to pick on you. You pushed me over the edge. We caused so much agony. We can't seem to move ahead. This is such a pity. We should give all our love to each other. Not this hate that destroys us. This is such a pity. (This is a pity) What kind of future will we have? Will we ever find peace? Everybody thinks we're crazy. They're about to call the police. I don't want to be a chump You think I'm a fascist pig. Right now everything is black. I don't think we'll ever give. This is such a pity. We should give all our love to each other. Not this hate that destroys us. This is such a pity. (This is a pity) This is such a pity. We should give all our love to each other. Not this hate that destroys us. This is such a pity. (This is a pity) "This Is Such A Pity" by Weezer (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, June 18, 2005 |
The dance we shared beneath the stars above For a moment all the world was right How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd of had to miss the dance Holding you I held everything For a moment wasn't I the king But if I'd only known how the king would fall Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd of had to miss the dance Yes my life is better left to chance I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go. So make the best of this test, and don't ask why. It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind. Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time. Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial. For what it's worth, it was worth all the while. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
The amazing thing.... I thought alot about all the good times Tiff and I had together... the memories that are going to live with me forever.... and I just smiled.... I wasn't angry.... I long for more of those times.... but I wasn't angry at all... Im just glad that I got the chance to spend some of my life with her. Tiff... thank you for everything! You will always have a part of my heart. You have made me a better person and made an impact on me that I dont think you (or anyone else) will ever realize. I wish you the best in all that you do -- whether thats your vet career, your plans of living in virginia, your future husband.... whatever it is, I wish you the best hun. Maybe sometime our paths will cross again.... I can only hope..... but this is all in God's Hands... we are His children.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, June 17, 2005 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, June 16, 2005 |
I just got that error on my computer about 15 mins ago.... I guess it's official now... Windows can't be classified as an operating system :) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, June 15, 2005 |
Stress is really taking a tool on me. Its also hard to deal with the feelings of loneliness and rejection that I am experiencing. I brought them on myself so I know that I have to accept them but that doesn't mean that its easy. Its hard losing the best thing that God ever gave you.... Its even harder when you know it was you that did the damage. Work has really stressed me today as well. Things are back to normal which I guess is bad. I dunno. So many things going on right now. Its a lot to process. I can't even identify all of the feelings in me right now. I know God is gonna take care of me. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, June 14, 2005 |
Truth is... this day didnt turn out too bad. I was scared to death tho.... walking out to my car to come to work I felt butterflies... I was really scared... but as I was driving God just let this total peace fall over me.... and I just was reminded that He was in control and that what is coming my way is greater than what I have now. I just relaxed and when I got to work, things weren't bad at all. They were alot better than I thought. So I know your wondering what happened... and where am I now. I've learned alot of things in the past week. First at foremost was trust. You have to be careful at who you trust. In the last week my privacy was violated. If anyone knows what HIPPA laws are, those were violated against me. That issue is dropped right now. I'm not going to pursue anything... people make mistakes and thats fine. Work really was bad in the past week.... well, actually, I didnt work in the last week.... things got really out of control and I was supposed to do this and that for my health and it just turned into fights every which way and it ended up that everyone just finally said for me to just shut everything off and ignore the fact that I work for a company.... that was Thursday until today. I'm back into the swing of things now and I feel good about it. The time off was great. That was also a big reason for the blackout. One was because someone violated HIPPA and I didnt want to go on and on about stuff, and the second was I needed to just step back and clear my head and let things fall into play. They did. After I started my blackout and my vacation from everything, the worst thing happened to me. Tiff and I were talking and, well, the end result is she broke up with me. I've faced the I-Told-You-So's already so don't bother. Alot of people say that I need to just let her step back from all of this for a little bit and that things will work out and we'll be back together soon. I dont know which way to believe but I know that I'm not going to tie myself down to this. Truth is that I had alot to do with this.... Monday and Tuesday were bad for me.... I was sick and grumpy and I really acted like a complete ass towards Tiff. I realize now how much I put her through. Tuesday night when I was in the ER the doctor told me some things.... One of my biggest concerns while I was in the ER was her.... and he said that I do have a big responsibility to make things right.... but that if she felt she couldnt be with me during this time where I heal and get better, then it was best to let her move on and let things fall the way they will. I love her... I will always love her... and if her being away from me makes her happier, then I will accept that and I will be happy in the fact that she is happy. Where is all of that going? I dont have a clue.... but I know that God is in control. I guess in all of that I understand the story of Peter a little bit better. Tiff promised me multiple times that she would never leave me..... she said that she was not going to be like all the other girls and she wasn't going to let my problems push her away. I guess in the same way Peter promised that he would never deny Jesus. He passionately promised that.... but in the end, he did. And it didnt mean that Peter loved Jesus any less... it just meant that he was human... just like the rest of us. Tiff promised something and in reality she wasn't able to keep that promise. No fault to her... the very same could be thrown back on me too.... both Tiff and myself are human.... and we both make mistakes. I guess the lesson learned is that "never" is a word that really can't be used with "promise" because like was said in James, our life is nothing but a vapor. We dont know whats going to happen and we can only look to God and let our steps be ordered of Him. Where am I going? I don't know. Am I leaving Carpathia? Well, thats probably what is going to happen..... but who knows for sure. Am I gonna be back with Tiff? I don't know that either.... Honestly... I dont know whats going to happen in the next hour. My life is a vapor and I need to live it as such. I need to let God lay my life out and then just follow his plan. It's hard to do some times. Like the construction worker who reads the blue prints and thinks that the architect made a stupid decission.... if he were to change that in his little section of the building then the entire building might not be able to stand. The architect knows how the entire building is designed... the construction workers only know their section. It's the same way with us.... we need to focus on the plan that God gave us because he can see the whole picture. If we stray from that plan then the entire body of Christ might not stand as well. I know more pain is probably coming. But I have to accept that and move towards it. If I could go back and erase all of the pain I ever had.... even if I could erase one piece of pain, I would not do it. God has given me a heart based on what James said.... Count it all Joy. You know what... thats exactly what I am doing.... I can no discount the pain that I have been through. Every horrible thing that I have gone through has only made me a better person. I don't curse any of the pain I have gone through..... I cant say I enjoyed it... but I can say that it has made me who I am today... and Bob today is more the person God wants him to be than the Bob of 2 years ago. It's a matter of letting Him shape me. Even the pain that Tiff and I have gone through. It has made us better people. Maybe it was for us collectively or maybe just for each one of us individually. I can't answer that. But I will not take the pain that Tiff and I have experienced and make it worth nothing. I will count it all Joy and I will know that it was all part of the process of God making us the people that we are meant to be. Tiff made her decission to not be with me.... I will accept that and I will take Joy in knowing that I let Tiff make the best decission for herself. I need to be happy that she is happy. And maybe we'll get back together... who knows? But the pain we went through.... it wasn't worthless. If it was that pain that pushed Tiff away, then that is what needed to happen. So where am I? Well, it looks like I am on my way out of Carpathia.... it looks like I'm single.... but honestly... where is that going? I don't have a clue. I don't need to know. It is only my job to understand that God is in control and that He will not let me go. Humans fail.... Humans promise to never leave someone and then they do... thats part of our nature.... but God does not fail. God promised to never leave me... and I know that He won't. Keep me in your prayers as I continue on my adventure. And thank you for the prayers that all of you have already invested in me. God Bless! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Over the last half week I have learned more about myself than I ever dreamed of... I also learned alot of good lessons about trusting people.... and I learned some stuff to push me in the right direction. Some people gave up on me.... but I know that God is still in control and that's all that matters. For right now, I want to get to bed. Hopefully when I wake up I'll be able to update everyone on where I'm at and whats going on... it will lack ALOT of details but at least will be what I am feeling and whats going on..... My only concern right now.... Im affraid to go to work tomorrow.... I really dont know what to expect.... Goodnight! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, June 09, 2005 |
I'm still sick.... and my throat seems to be getting worse. As a result I am releasing all cares until Tuesday, with the exception of if I get a call about my upcoming job oppritunity. If you need to reach me, use my phone number. My pager is off.... I will be checking email periodically but not as often as usual and I will most likely not be checking my work email at all until Tuesday. I will update everyone on Tuesday as to how I am doing. Please keep me in your prayers! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Yes, today, I feel like a failure... a complete failure. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, June 08, 2005 |
Those were the words of Mike Eppes that were told to me today. Sunday morning I did my typical walk into church, sit down, and get ready for the service to start. This Sunday was different.... a younger guy came over to me... in jeans and a t-shirt as everyone wears who goes to my church.... he started talking to me.... and he introduced himself as Mike Eppes.... it took a few seconds but then the name clicked and I realized that this was the brand new pastor. Today I went to hang out with him a bit after lunch. We talked for a few hours I think.... tonight I wasn't supposed to work so I had the whole night free and he asked me to go to a group...... I did..... Let me say this..... Mike will never know how much he has impacted my life. And to be honest, I dont know if I could even place my finger on why he impacted me so much. There is no doubt in my mind that I am at the church that God wants me at..... as always, I believe God is going to do something with me.... .... but wait..... Mike was the first person in history to tell me something otherwise. He said that its not about what God is preparing me for.... it's that God is using me now in ways that I can't even imagine. He told me that He used me today..... tonight..... Mike told me that I blessed him.... I made an impact tonight and I didnt even realize it. I don't know if I still do..... but whatever the situation is.... if someone says they see that I am being used by God, then... well, that means something to me. Not an in the future thing.... its not a "someday" thing.... it's now.... My life is about to change so drastically in the next few weeks.... again..... my life does that quite often. I don't know why.... I don't know what all this is supposed to mean.... but the thing is that it doesnt matter.... no matter how stupid something I do looks to someone else, it only matters what it looks like in God's eyes. Mike will never know the impact that he made on me....... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
[01:39] bblboy54: well that's a loaded question [01:39] jcdreamer23: sorry didnt mean it to be [01:39] bblboy54: but it can be summed up in the fact that I was in the hospital tonight [01:39] jcdreamer23: ok. and? [01:40] bblboy54: my head is playing games with me again [01:40] jcdreamer23: ok [01:40] jcdreamer23: but you're home so that's good right? [01:40] bblboy54: yea [01:40] bblboy54: im not a danger [01:40] jcdreamer23: well that's good [01:40] bblboy54: just really messed up [01:40] jcdreamer23: I can understand that [01:40] bblboy54: my only fear is that Im gonna push tiff away [01:41] bblboy54: she doesn't deserve to deal with my crap [01:41] bblboy54: all the crap that I cant yet control [01:41] jcdreamer23: when you love someone it's not about deserving, it's part of the package [01:41] jcdreamer23: and I'm sure all she wants is to help you get through [01:41] bblboy54: yea [01:41] bblboy54: but im mean jo [01:41] bblboy54: im downright mean [01:42] jcdreamer23: well I think too much and bug people and need reassurance and stress about stupid stuff. so... mean sounds easier to deal with [01:43] bblboy54: well [01:43] bblboy54: that's why im mean, actually [01:43] bblboy54: because i need reassurance [01:43] jcdreamer23: you're testing? [01:43] bblboy54: yup [01:43] bblboy54: *taken back a bit* [01:43] bblboy54: jo.... how do you know that? [01:43] jcdreamer23: you push to see how hard they work to stay with you? to stay in your life? [01:44] bblboy54: *stunned* [01:44] bblboy54: yes [01:44] jcdreamer23: because I do it. because we have that in common, among so many other things [01:44] bblboy54: but.... [01:45] bblboy54: no one is supposed to understand me [01:45] jcdreamer23: lol [01:45] jcdreamer23: sorry. I do [01:45] jcdreamer23: and I feel that too [01:45] bblboy54: my god [01:45] jcdreamer23: but people do understand. [01:45] bblboy54: I never realized [01:46] jcdreamer23: I don't say much about it. I sit back and just try to use my experiences to help everyone else [01:46] bblboy54: I'm just so unrational about thing [01:46] bblboy54: s [01:47] jcdreamer23: yup. and you want to relax but your mind does laps inside your head. [01:47] bblboy54: because I think that everyone is more important to tiff than me [01:47] jcdreamer23: because you can't see how you can be the most important person to anyone, especially because she's so important to you [01:48] jcdreamer23: am I wrong? [01:48] bblboy54: no.... [01:48] bblboy54: your exactly right [01:49] jcdreamer23: *nods* [01:49] bblboy54: and I go so far as to "break up" to see if she lets me go or if she fights me [01:49] jcdreamer23: but the thing is, you are important to her. she's dealing with alot too and most likely wants to help but not add to what you're dealing with. you both want to lean on each other but not add to each other's problems [01:49] jcdreamer23: that's the test. and so far she's passing right? she fights to keep you [01:50] bblboy54: yea but I keep doing it [01:50] bblboy54: she's still here, so yes [01:50] jcdreamer23: because she has realized at least that much. that she has to make sure you know... ok. you keep doing it because you're still struggling to believe you're worth it. [01:50] jcdreamer23: the effort, the fight, the love. and you are. now YOU have to believe that. [01:52] bblboy54: she's the love of my life [01:52] jcdreamer23: yes. and she loves you too. [01:52] jcdreamer23: but you have to be who you want to be for yourself first. then for her. [01:52] bblboy54: but why cant I control what I do? [01:53] jcdreamer23: it's a constant struggle. and you won't be able to one hundred percent. but a little bit at a time, you start with one thing. and work up. I know, sounds dumb. but really it can help. [01:53] bblboy54: yea but I'll keep hurting her in the meantime [01:53] jcdreamer23: start with waking up and thinking positive for the day. and at the end, make a list, in your head, write it down, type it out, of the GOOD that happened that day. [01:53] bblboy54: and I don't want to [01:54] jcdreamer23: no of course you don't. but she loves you and if you work toward a point where you won't hurt her (as much, all couples hurt each other at times) then its worth it [01:54] bblboy54: she's definitely worth it [01:55] jcdreamer23: well of course she is. but I"m saying, in this case, the end will justify the means. as long as you are working toward that end. that's all. [01:55] bblboy54: but its gonna take months.... can she deal with that? do I even want to put her through that? [01:56] jcdreamer23: ahh. now that is her choice. she chose to be with you, she wants to be with you. [01:56] jcdreamer23: and if she can't deal, then you can find a way together to help you both. somehow [01:56] jcdreamer23: you can't give up the people you love to spare them the pain. it doesnt work that way. they'll get hurt anyway [01:57] bblboy54: .... yea [01:57] jcdreamer23: really [01:57] bblboy54: I just feel like her life would be so much better if I never walked into it [01:57] jcdreamer23: no [01:57] jcdreamer23: not true at all [01:57] jcdreamer23: I dont think she would agree either [01:59] jcdreamer23: you're special. and bring so much good. no you aren't perfect so people get hurt. but no one's life would be the same without you in it. everyone is better off having known you. that's the way it works with good people. [01:59] jcdreamer23: and you are a good person [01:59] bblboy54: thanks Jo...... [01:59] bblboy54: it means a lot from someone who understands [02:00] bblboy54: I didn't think anyone understood.... [02:00] bblboy54: I knew you and I had a lot in common but im shocked [02:00] bblboy54: we're identical [02:00] jcdreamer23: and when I figure out what it takes to get through it, I'll try to pass it on to you. [02:00] bblboy54: you and I need to keep in touch more [02:00] bblboy54: I need someone who understands [02:01] jcdreamer23: yeah. which is why I back off sometimes. because I know EXACTLY what you're going through but can't help you the way I want. ... yeah I know. [02:01] bblboy54: the way you want? [02:02] jcdreamer23: I can't ... I can't take away the pain you're feeling, I can't make it better, I can't tell you how to feel better... idk [02:02] bblboy54: *hugs* [02:02] jcdreamer23: I wish I could do more for you when you're going through a bad time and I'm not. [02:02] jcdreamer23: or at least when I'm on a more even section of life. lol [02:02] bblboy54: you need to visit me [02:03] jcdreamer23: I know. I do. soon [02:03] bblboy54: I hope so.... I could use a hug from you [02:03] jcdreamer23: I'll... mail you one :-P [02:03] bblboy54: :) [02:04] bblboy54: Jo.... would you mind if I used the first part of this conversation on my blog? [02:04] bblboy54: I need to get stuff out [02:04] bblboy54: and the first part of this did that [02:04] jcdreamer23: nope, go ahead. [02:04] bblboy54: :) [02:04] jcdreamer23: if it helps, feel free (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I'm a wreck again.... not in the same way that I was before but I have some problems..... and Tiff is taking the blunt of it. I love her so much.... more than anyone can even imagine but I just treat her so bad.... I have problems.... I have serious medical problems and I can't get the treatment I need because my health insurance from Carpathia won't cover it. I'm affraid I'm going to lose Tiff.... I'm affraid my medical conditions are going to push her away .. and I'll be getting help soon.... it looks like I have to leave Carpathia... I have no option because of the medical benefits alone. So when I switch jobs I will be able to get the care I need and get this under control. This night wouldnt have happened like this if my medical coverage would have just covered the preventive stuff that I needed.... but I couldnt afford it so I had to pass on it... and it just all blows up...... I need prayer... I need lots of prayer... and I need friends and support.... and I need my baby.... I need tiff in my life... I need her there..... She's what I live for right now.... even tho sometimes it doesnt seem like it..... I just need her... she is the most beautiful thing in the world..... she is so sweet and she deserves better than me... she really does.... she doesnt deserve someone with so many problems.... She really should leave me... I dont want her to... I really do need her.... but for her, she should leave..... Im taking the medicines the doctor told me to take and they are gonna knock me out pretty badly so if you try to call, I probably won't hear the phone..... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, June 07, 2005 |
In other news, Tiff and I are starting to clear some things up.... its tough... she was gonna come down today since she couldnt last night but then she slept in.... I just want to see her.... But, again, some things are worth waiting for. And in the last news, I have ANOTHER company looking at me.... It's nice to be wanted but, honestly, I'm getting a bit overwhelmed at the moment. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, June 06, 2005 |
.... I'm so burnt out and fed up its not funny.... and financially I'm a wreck too.... so at least maybe this other job will work and something will get ironed out.... but, man, I'm like just so tired of everything.... It really makes me wonder how much longer I can really last..... Keep me in your prayers... you did for the interview and worked... maybe you can for the rest of my life too? (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Gosh darnit.... Im tired of bad news today! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
..... Why cant I have a day that goes smooth for me? (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Then I get home and find out that Tiff isnt coming down now... so I wont see her again for like a month.... but I kinda expected this summer to be a pain so it's par for the course... what really bugged me is she didnt even call to talk about it.... she just text'd me and that was that..... Kinda worries me after she called crying last night and then didnt answer when i called back... I still dont know whats wrong..... .... maybe i'm over reacting... I dunno.... but my life has this horrible balance... if something really good happens, something equally bad is coming my way very quickly. *sigh* (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Either way, I'm up. I have my first meeting for this string of interviews at 10:30 this morning. Figured I better force myself to go to bed early so I could get up early enough to wake up and get ready for the interviews. It's sad all over again that I might be leaving Carpathia.... but I was going through my bills two nights ago and there just is no way.... I cant afford it..... God always provides... sometimes that means making a change at his lead.... maybe leaving Carpathia is that change.... we'll see what happens today. I'm still not feeling real well.... I woke up yesterday sick and apparently again today... I'll be fine tho.... Tiff called last night and left me a voice mail... she was upset... I tried calling her back a little while after but she didnt answer. I had some trouble falling back to sleep because I was worried about her.... when I woke up she had sent me some text messages that she was ok. At least I get to see her tonight. Well Im gonna go hop in the shower... hopefully that will help me feel a little better. Keep me in your prayers today, please. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, June 05, 2005 |
Anyway, church was as awesome as always. I really believe that I found a great church.... not just one that I leave service walking away with something but one that makes me want to go..... it's a place that I actually enjoy going to enough that it will get me out of bed even when I had no sleep.... Something big hit me today.... and actually it kinda topped off me watching Prozac Nation last night. I have struggles.... I have some struggles that almost every other guy faces (porn, etc) and I have struggles that aren't so common (ADHD, BiPolar, or whatever else the heck is wrong with my brain).... but Paul said it best... "In my weakness I am strong" ... I guess this kinda collaberates with the first chapter of my favorite book of the Bible, James, when it is said "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you face trials and tribulations". I dont think it's any kind of a secret that I deal with alot day in and day out. Most people who know me know that as a fact. There are plenty of people out there that suffer more than me but based on the average, I probably suffer and deal with alot more. So what's the deal? Well.... I learned that I really need to start focusing on the joy.... I need to realize that because I am weak and because God is saying no to some of my prayers, and so on that I really am strong. Brett put it best in church today by some of the analogies he gave.... and it really does make sense.... Persistance is what matters..... I am strong because of my weaknesses.... sometimes I am forced to put things in God's Hands when I just dont feel like it... and that, of course, makes me stronger...... There are also times that I learn from the pains I go through and I think this may be the primary reasons for my struggles... I look back at one aspect of my life, relationships, and I look at some of the people that I have been able to help.... and I realize that had I not gone through the hell that I have been through time after time, I would not have been able to help as many people that I have..... It is those things that have shaped me.... those things made Bob K Mertz who he is today.... Granted, there still is alot of negative stuff too, but im working on that... and I thank God that I have a woman beside me who isnt letting go of me... whether I'm scared she's going to leave or not. I know some things I need to work on.... and I'm going to. I also looked for that book I mentioned a few posts ago but couldnt find it locally so I ordered it from Amazon and it should be here sometime this week. Thats enough of my rambling for now... Tiff just called and I have to call her back.... Have a great week, everyone! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, June 04, 2005 |
After almost a year of searching and trying to find a copy of this movie I finally found it and got the oppritunity to watch it tonight. It is a movie that everyone in the world needs to watch. People dont understand what is going on in other's lives... especially some of those lives that they are closest to. There is a world hidden.... hidden by the fact that those that are "ok" don't want to see something that is not ok..... When they finally decide to release this movie on DVD, YOU NEED TO BUY IT... in fact, I think so strongly that everyone needs to see this that I will send anyone a copy that wants it. This movie will definately give you a glimpse of what some people deal with.... only a glimpse... but that is more than people see in their every day lives. Please.... email me if you want a copy.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, June 02, 2005 |
I think on my way to work I might have to stop at Family Christian Stores and pick this one up.... I hate to read but maybe this will be one thats worth forcing myself to read. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
http://pittsburghlive.com/x/tribune-review/opinion/archive/s_339941.html (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, June 01, 2005 |
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road But I got lost a time or two Wiped my brow and kept pushing through I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you Every long lost dream lead me to where you are Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars Pointing me on my way into your loving arms This much I know is true That God blessed the broken road That led me straight to you I think about the years I spent just passing through I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you But you just smile and take my hand You've been there you understand It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true Every long lost dream lead me to where you are Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars Pointing me on my way into your loving arms This much I know is true That God blessed the broken road That led me straight to you I can't even begin to say how much I believe this song is true in my own life. I have literally been through hell when it comes to relationships.... and that past still haunts me today.... it still causes problems.... it still scares me alot.... but to think that I found a girl who really tries to understand and, despite the hell that my past has put her through, she is still there.... she is still mine... she still wants to be with me.... even when I dont want to be with myself. I love you Tiff -- more than you know -- more than you will ever know..... I get scared that your actions don't show that you love me..... but I'm just starting to realize that my actions nowhere near show you how I feel.... It's June 1st.... we now have made it past the cursed month of May :) Did I mention I love you, Tiff? *hugz* *kiss* You mean the world to me.... every part of you.... you mean so incredibly much to me.... You're such a beautiful person.... both inside and out.... When your near me, I can't take my eyes off of you and my heart won't let go..... When your not near me, I wish you were close by.... and I dream of a time when we will wake up together..... My goal in life has always been to be the best husband and father that I could be.... I want you to give me that oppritunity, Tiff.... No one else... Just you! God blessed the broken road that I been through.... It led me to you, Tiff.... and I tip my hat to the Keeper for it. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved
BibleBoy's Blog by Bob K Mertz is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.
