Thursday, June 30, 2005 |
I don't want anyone to ever tell me my life isn't adventurous :) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
At least I got some sleep... But gosh darn is it hot sitting in a car in line in summer in VA with broken AC..... I think AC will be my next order of business. Let's just hope for the best.... And BTW... God did provide for rent tomorrow.... Actually he provided more abundantly than needed.... Yes, I serve an amazing God! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I need sleep.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, June 29, 2005 |
I really can't wait to get to bed tho :) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
First tho... my current situation. My car's registration expires tomorrow night at midnight and in the state of VA you can not re-register your car without having a valid emissions sticker.... my car has failed misserably... twice. This means that I have to get the thing diagnosed, fixed, and inspected again before midnight tomorrow. The biggest problem with this is that my rent is due on Friday.... in order to pay for fixing my car, that leaves me without my rent payment... and that also is bad in the state of VA... they can evict you within 2 weeks. So I'm in a pretty scary situation at the moment. I have an appointment for my car tomorrow... the emissions estimate is $79... that includes no work at all.... so the price is getting steep already.... but I dont have much of a choice, I guess. With all this inspection stuff I literally did not sleep at all last night.... about an hour ago I put an away message up that I was going to get a couple hours of sleep before work and immediately I got an email asking me to come in early.... well in the long run this may be good.... this means I can push myself a little bit but be done around 10pm so that I can actually get a decent sleep (plus I'll be tired enough to actually fall asleep) and get up early to get my car taken care of. At this point, I dont know where my rent money is coming from.... but I guess I'll leave that in God's Hands... He's provided so far. Now, regarding my last post... it seems there is alot of speculation on how I feel about Tiff.... I guess the truth is I'm not even sure.... I know this... I care about her alot. I dont understand why she gave up on me and walked away from me.... and I really dont understand why she hasnt responded to any of the letters that I sent her (basically I dont understand why she is ignoring me).... but I'm not meant to understand this stuff right now.... I respect her decissions.... Is it hard on me? Yes, of course.... this is the girl that I planned on spending my life with.... I dont know whats going on... a big part of me says Jim came back into the picture. I dont know if thats true or not... but even if it is, that is her decission... She needs to do what she feels is best for her.... all I can do is let her go.... I know that I have God on my side and that even tho people fail me and let go of me, I know that He will never let God. No matter how much of a pain I am to deal with... or how much of a horrible person I am or become, He will never leave me.... I am completely open to whatever God does. He has filled my life with some amazing people since Tiff left me.... why? Right now its nothing more than I need that friendship that I lost with Tiff... Where will those relationships go? I don't know... I'm not going to put words in God's mouth... I'll let Him do whatever it is that He is doing.... It is in His hands.... If I am to be with Tiff, she'll come back.... until then, I will respect her and let her make the decission to call me or whatnot.... If I am to be with someone else, great... whatever God wants is what is best for me and that is the route I am taking. My eyes are NOT closed to other possibilities.... in the past, they have been.... currently, they are on God and what He is doing. Now, regarding comments... please post them as much as you can. It really helps me when I know that people are actually reading and taking an intrest in my life... and never feel that you are offending or upsetting me.... it really takes alot to tick me off.... You can attack me and what I do all you want.... and I'll respond back.... but dont feel that you've offended me and don't feel like I am attacking you back.... All of this helps me iron out what is going on in this crazy little brain of mine. Here are a few ground rules for posting comments: * Please post them all you can * Do not attack God in any way. If you want to attack my religion or my bleifs, that is fine but do NOT attack God directly. * Do not attack Tiff... No arguments here... just dont do it. I know whats going on in some of your heads... and that is fine... but keep it to yourself. I care deeply about Tiff and I still have alot of respect for her. She does not deserve to be attacked by you.... and in all honesty, all your going to do is upset me too.... so you won't accomplish anything. I think those are about it.... I have about 10 hours to go till I can drop my car off and get my butt to bed.... boy am I looking forward to it. God, give me the strength..... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, June 28, 2005 |
This is one of those nights I wish I could go home and curl up with my girl.... But I guess it helps if you have a girl.... Lots of things rushing around in my mind today.... One of those is trying to figure out what I could have done differently so that Tiff wouldn't have given up on me. I don't know... I guess... Well... I *know* its God's will for me to be single now.... But for how long? Maybe till tomorrow? I guess the toughest thing is that I haven't even heard from Tiff.... I was so obsessed with seeing her accomplish her dream of becoming a vet.... And now I don't even know if she is still alive... I wrote her a letter... Well a couple... And I haven't heard anything... I'd love to know.... But then again if it's not God's will for us to be together then its probably for the better. Just a lot on my mind.... I know great things are right around the corner for.... The perfect girl is one of those. Ill be fine.... Just gotta get through the next few weeks. Please keep me in your prayers. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, June 27, 2005 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
My car failed emissions..... it passed fine when it was a PA car and we even just did a tune up on it.... So, I know that I need brakes replaced and now I need something done emissions wise..... whatever.... Dad made an appt at his garage so I'm leaving for PA in about a half hour.... I dont trust just taking my car to a mechanic down here yet.... need to find a good one before I spend money if you know what I mean.... Whoopeee.... life is exciting! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
"we should dip our hands into that chocolate stuff you put on ice cream that hardens after a while and then have a fist fight and people with green eyes should taste like kiwis and i wonder why you hate my pancreas and where the hell are my pants?!" (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
"sorry, im bored and have 3 hours before i have to go to work because my friend just woke me up saying something about "happy fathers day"..i dunno i dont have a kid? well anywayim just lookin for some new friends to go chill with n' da metroplex" I dunno.... just made me laugh :) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, June 26, 2005 |
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea. You've built a love but that love falls apart. Your little piece of heaven turns too dark. Listen to your heart when he's calling for you. Listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do. I don't know where you're going and I don't know why, but listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye. Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile. The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea. They're swept away and nothing is what is seems, the feeling of belonging to your dreams. And there are voices that want to be heard. So much to mention but you can't find the words. The scent of magic, the beauty that's been when love was wilder than the wind. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
That I never really got it right I never stopped to think of you I'm always wrapped up in Things I cannnot win You are the antidote that gets me by Something strong Like a drug that gets me high What I really meant to say Is I'm sorry for the way I am I never meant to be so cold to you And I'm sorry about all the lies Maybe in a different light You could see me stand on my own again Cause now i can see You were the antidote that got me by Something strong like a drug that got me high I never meant to be so cold I never really wanted you to see The screwed up side of me that I keep Locked inside of me so deep It always seems to get to me I never really wanted you to go So many things you should have known I guess for me theres just no hope I never meant to be so cold Crossfade - "Cold" (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light I can't remember how I can't remember why I'm lying here tonight And I can't stand the pain And I can't make it go away No I can't stand the pain Chorus: How could this happen to me I made my mistakes Got no where to run The night goes on As I'm fading away I'm sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me Everybody's screaming I try to make a sound but no one hears me I'm slipping off the edge I'm hanging by a thread I wanna start this over again So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered And I can't explain what happened And I can't erase the things that I've done No I can't How could this happen to me I made my mistakes Got no where to run The night goes on As I'm fading away I'm sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me I made my mistakes Got no where to run The night goes on As I'm fading away I'm sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
And if you ever call Linksys tech support and get Dominick (Tech ID: 16813) just hang up... your not going to get anywhere.... thats for sure. Oh, and when you go to change your rotors on your car and the rotor doesnt come off of the axel.... yea... thats bad too. Thank God this day is coming to an end. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, June 25, 2005 |
-- Begin Email Message -- Well, Looks like you’re the first person to bring to my attention the next step of Microsoft trying to stop piracy. They really get on my nerves with this stuff…. I understand the whole idea of them wanting everyone to legally own their software, but at the same time they kill the growth of technology and innovation…. But then again, I guess that’s what Microsoft is all about… Let’s screw over the industry and make things worse for everyone just so we can make money. At any rate, I need to look into this some more and find out how to get around this “Validate Windows” thing. At this point, what I am seeing indicates that you CAN update your computer without validation. When you get to the prompt about validating windows it should give you an option to say to skip validation. After you skip validation, it will let you download the file. From what I am reading so far, in the future this validation is going to be REQUIRED before you download a file. For now, try to skip validation and download the file. If it doesn’t work, don’t worry about it. Any legal copy of windows will pass the validation process at the moment but the truth of the matter is that I (nor anyone right now) don’t know what exactly this validation software does so I don’t want to tell ANYONE to run it, whether they have a completely legit copy of Windows or not. The whole idea behind this validation is stupid. They require you to legally own software before you update it – that makes sense…. However, what is horrible is the fact that the updates are designed to prevent security breaches but now they are requiring you to allow Microsoft to being destroying your privacy and breach your security for the sole purpose of preventing people from breaching your security…. I don’t understand how they get away with this crap. In the next edition, GM will be disabling the brakes automatically on any car that is stolen. Will it prevent some theft? Yes… But how many people will be injured or killed just for the purpose of stopping some illegal activity. Granted, Windows isn’t going to cause any death but there are lots of issues that this could cause… both to valid users and non-valid users of Windows -- some of those issues could be worse than death. I just wish the world understood how “Big Brother-ish” Microsoft was and what they are doing to literally destroy the industry as well as anyone’s privacy. I am always concerned about what information my computer is sending to Microsoft. There are way too many instances where people have monitored outbound traffic on their computers and watched unknown data be sent to Microsoft. It’s not fair and Microsoft is using their power to destroy our privacy at the same time they promote that they are helping protect your privacy. In my opinion, the people who do not have a legally registered copy of Windows are safer than those that do. Sure, there is the risk of Windows just stopping to work one day – but Microsoft has less of an idea of who that person is and what they do, which to me, is a worthwhile trade off. Someday the world will adapt to running Linux and we will be much better off…. I’ve never really recommended it to most people I know simply because its not mainstream… but after reading up on this Validation program, it might be time for everyone to start kicking in. -- End Email -- http://www.microsoft.com/genuine/downloads/whyValidate.aspx This is Microsoft's page regarding their new Validation program. Don't let the seemingly clear-cut privacy claims fool you. http://freerepublic.info/focus/f-news/1323223/posts This is an article and open discussion on this issue. http://short-media.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20681 Another thread of information. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, June 23, 2005 |
Anyway, I made it to Carpathia.... back on the ground... ready to work..... And here we go :) Busy night.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Some might question why I went through all of this for a two hour experience.... Its quite simple.... God led me. And looking back, at the end of this trip I am a better person because of what God did for me and in me while I was in Texas. But why did I go so far and push myself to do more than I had to? That really is quite simple too... Carpathia deserved it. They were understanding of me taking personal time and when I broke the news to them that I had flight problems and would be in to work tonight the response I got was a "thanks for letting us know". There was no argument. Did I have to go on such little sleep (since 7am wednesday I have had no more than 6 hours of sleep and will not sleep again until at least 3am tonight. No I don't have to but I want to. There may have been issues here and there but I am not going to reduce myself to working half a**ed. Its not me... If I have something to do I will give it all I have... And I see that being true until the day I die. This is how God wants us to live.... He made that very clear in His word. It is important to serve those who we work for. Its been rough but at the end of all of this I am realizing how much God honors the times we follow Him. I haven't had even so much time as to eat except a small meal on the plane last night and a very small meal at a&w today... And I won't eat again to tomorrow.... And yes I am sleep deprived but its not to mean that I am a better person... Just that followed Gods will. God has been blessing me so much. Providing the finances I need little by little.... When Tiff broke up with me I thought that I lost most of my support that meant the most to me.... But I put it in Gods hands and I met an awesome friend named Beth. Where is Tiff in my life and will she come back? I dunno... Where is Beth? I dunno. I just know that He provided my needs: a strong and supportive FRIENDSHIP. Where God leads all of this is in His hands. So now.... On with normal live until God gives me my next "mission" Thank you everyone for your prayers. They truly are evident. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Of course I am sure the next 48 hours will be just as interesting. Thanks for all of your prayers. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Always an adventure. Since sleep is becomming rare for me, I'm going to bed. Goodnight. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, June 22, 2005 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
God please lead me. I am so nervous. Ill be landing in dallas at 8:27... Remember that's an hour behind so that a little over 3 hours from now. Please keep praying for me. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
When the people saw the thunder and lightning and heard the trumpet and saw the mountain in smoke, they trembled with fear. They stayed at a distance You've always read it and always believed it but until you feel it, its just not the same. God is doing something.... and as excited as I am, Im still nervous and scared. God is powerful and the things that He can do are beyond our imagination.... Tomorrow I am flying to Texas... unfortunately I will not have any time to relax.... I have to go do some stuff and then I'm coming right back. I can't leave Carpathia hanging so I made sure to schedule an itenary that works. There are just some amazing things happening in my life... and they are happening very quickly. They are happening so quickly that I have no idea whats even going on.... but it's great. In the last few weeks it seems God has really given me a good kick and taught me what true faith was... Faith in Him. And on the other side of that... even tho there is a good amount of faith still driving me, I am now seeing evidence of God moving and working things out. I'm scared... yes, I am scared.... but at the same time I know this is all in God's Hands. He is Mighty and Powerful... and I can do ALL things through Him. I hope to post more when I know more about what is going on.... Please keep me in your prayers! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, June 20, 2005 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, June 19, 2005 |
Unfortunately I'm not joking.... hehe (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thanks everyone for your prayers! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I learned something very important today in church..... depression is a huge thing in America today.... it's everywhere... there are so many people that are depressed.... there are many causes for those an inside of those causes some are situational and some are clinical.... some are a combination of both. I am not against medicine, as you know.... but we've always accounted depression being internal if its clinical and external if it's situational. What people fail to realize is what is situational but internal...... Forgiveness..... its one of the best cures for many many many cases of depression.... Marsha Linehan, PhD, started a treatment program that is being used in many clinical hospitals.... this was the case in the program I went through at Western Psych. The baseline of this series is the saying "It is what it is" .... and after today I realize that secular society is just *STARTING* to catch up with what God has already been saying. It is what it is... and it can't be changed.... and the series basically explains how to cope with things and not be angry about what has happened because "it is what it is" ... but really.... when wrong has been done to you, you can obsess so much on getting even.... forgiving someone is the best way to put some cares behind you. Forgiveness is NOT excusing people.... it is only forgiving... it's giving up your right to get even..... This is why Jesus told Peter that we need to forgive people 70x7. Jesus also says alot about forgiveness in Mathew 18 when he says about the king forgiving the 10,000 talents. The amount of that money is such that someone in those days could not earn even in 200,000 lifetimes..... this is a huge debt... more than we could even imagine. The king forgave this man... and as this man left he was given an oppritunity to share what had been done and instead, he didnt change his heart and had someone thrown in jail. I think all of this makes sense as to why we are a "Prozac Nation" as the movie put it that I spoke of a couple of weeks ago. Think about our nation.... no one forgives anyone.... we are a sue crazy nation.... I had to deal with this myself... but I realize that the forgiveness I can give is more than anyone could ever pay me. We're always out to get even. This is what stresses us out so much and depresses us.... if we could learn to forgive, we would certainly be a better people. I have done wrong to people and people have done wrong to me. In the past few weeks I have been hurt multiple times and drasticly by people.... but my job is to forgive.... and it can only be my prayer that those others forgive me as well. So is the lack of forgiveness my problem? Hey, it just might be..... what I do know is that its at least part of it. I believe that I do have some clinical stuff.... but I also know that if I want to continue coping with those issues I need to start learning how to forgive people. Even with one incident I might need to forgive the 70x7 that Jesus spoke of. People have hurt me in my past... and there are times where those things come back to me.... its my job to forgive again. Is it too hard to forgive? No... its hard... but not too hard.... think of what Jesus forgave us of. We should all be going to hell.... but He saved us through His death on the cross..... He gave His life.... not only did he die but he was tortured.... I think we need to remember this each and every day. Jesus came down to this earth.... to live like us.... to learn what we go through.... so that He could feel it.... and ultimately He did it to not only for that but to lay down His life for us. Next time someone hurts you.... think of it as experiencing just a fraction of a percent of what Jesus felt.... and then try to think just how serious that pain is.... doesnt looks so big anymore, does it? (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I didn't mean to get so mad. Let me just hold you closely. How did things get so bad? I know how to pick on you. You pushed me over the edge. We caused so much agony. We can't seem to move ahead. This is such a pity. We should give all our love to each other. Not this hate that destroys us. This is such a pity. (This is a pity) What kind of future will we have? Will we ever find peace? Everybody thinks we're crazy. They're about to call the police. I don't want to be a chump You think I'm a fascist pig. Right now everything is black. I don't think we'll ever give. This is such a pity. We should give all our love to each other. Not this hate that destroys us. This is such a pity. (This is a pity) This is such a pity. We should give all our love to each other. Not this hate that destroys us. This is such a pity. (This is a pity) "This Is Such A Pity" by Weezer (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, June 18, 2005 |
The dance we shared beneath the stars above For a moment all the world was right How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd of had to miss the dance Holding you I held everything For a moment wasn't I the king But if I'd only known how the king would fall Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd of had to miss the dance Yes my life is better left to chance I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go. So make the best of this test, and don't ask why. It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind. Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time. Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial. For what it's worth, it was worth all the while. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
The amazing thing.... I thought alot about all the good times Tiff and I had together... the memories that are going to live with me forever.... and I just smiled.... I wasn't angry.... I long for more of those times.... but I wasn't angry at all... Im just glad that I got the chance to spend some of my life with her. Tiff... thank you for everything! You will always have a part of my heart. You have made me a better person and made an impact on me that I dont think you (or anyone else) will ever realize. I wish you the best in all that you do -- whether thats your vet career, your plans of living in virginia, your future husband.... whatever it is, I wish you the best hun. Maybe sometime our paths will cross again.... I can only hope..... but this is all in God's Hands... we are His children.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, June 17, 2005 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, June 16, 2005 |
I just got that error on my computer about 15 mins ago.... I guess it's official now... Windows can't be classified as an operating system :) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, June 15, 2005 |
Stress is really taking a tool on me. Its also hard to deal with the feelings of loneliness and rejection that I am experiencing. I brought them on myself so I know that I have to accept them but that doesn't mean that its easy. Its hard losing the best thing that God ever gave you.... Its even harder when you know it was you that did the damage. Work has really stressed me today as well. Things are back to normal which I guess is bad. I dunno. So many things going on right now. Its a lot to process. I can't even identify all of the feelings in me right now. I know God is gonna take care of me. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, June 14, 2005 |
Truth is... this day didnt turn out too bad. I was scared to death tho.... walking out to my car to come to work I felt butterflies... I was really scared... but as I was driving God just let this total peace fall over me.... and I just was reminded that He was in control and that what is coming my way is greater than what I have now. I just relaxed and when I got to work, things weren't bad at all. They were alot better than I thought. So I know your wondering what happened... and where am I now. I've learned alot of things in the past week. First at foremost was trust. You have to be careful at who you trust. In the last week my privacy was violated. If anyone knows what HIPPA laws are, those were violated against me. That issue is dropped right now. I'm not going to pursue anything... people make mistakes and thats fine. Work really was bad in the past week.... well, actually, I didnt work in the last week.... things got really out of control and I was supposed to do this and that for my health and it just turned into fights every which way and it ended up that everyone just finally said for me to just shut everything off and ignore the fact that I work for a company.... that was Thursday until today. I'm back into the swing of things now and I feel good about it. The time off was great. That was also a big reason for the blackout. One was because someone violated HIPPA and I didnt want to go on and on about stuff, and the second was I needed to just step back and clear my head and let things fall into play. They did. After I started my blackout and my vacation from everything, the worst thing happened to me. Tiff and I were talking and, well, the end result is she broke up with me. I've faced the I-Told-You-So's already so don't bother. Alot of people say that I need to just let her step back from all of this for a little bit and that things will work out and we'll be back together soon. I dont know which way to believe but I know that I'm not going to tie myself down to this. Truth is that I had alot to do with this.... Monday and Tuesday were bad for me.... I was sick and grumpy and I really acted like a complete ass towards Tiff. I realize now how much I put her through. Tuesday night when I was in the ER the doctor told me some things.... One of my biggest concerns while I was in the ER was her.... and he said that I do have a big responsibility to make things right.... but that if she felt she couldnt be with me during this time where I heal and get better, then it was best to let her move on and let things fall the way they will. I love her... I will always love her... and if her being away from me makes her happier, then I will accept that and I will be happy in the fact that she is happy. Where is all of that going? I dont have a clue.... but I know that God is in control. I guess in all of that I understand the story of Peter a little bit better. Tiff promised me multiple times that she would never leave me..... she said that she was not going to be like all the other girls and she wasn't going to let my problems push her away. I guess in the same way Peter promised that he would never deny Jesus. He passionately promised that.... but in the end, he did. And it didnt mean that Peter loved Jesus any less... it just meant that he was human... just like the rest of us. Tiff promised something and in reality she wasn't able to keep that promise. No fault to her... the very same could be thrown back on me too.... both Tiff and myself are human.... and we both make mistakes. I guess the lesson learned is that "never" is a word that really can't be used with "promise" because like was said in James, our life is nothing but a vapor. We dont know whats going to happen and we can only look to God and let our steps be ordered of Him. Where am I going? I don't know. Am I leaving Carpathia? Well, thats probably what is going to happen..... but who knows for sure. Am I gonna be back with Tiff? I don't know that either.... Honestly... I dont know whats going to happen in the next hour. My life is a vapor and I need to live it as such. I need to let God lay my life out and then just follow his plan. It's hard to do some times. Like the construction worker who reads the blue prints and thinks that the architect made a stupid decission.... if he were to change that in his little section of the building then the entire building might not be able to stand. The architect knows how the entire building is designed... the construction workers only know their section. It's the same way with us.... we need to focus on the plan that God gave us because he can see the whole picture. If we stray from that plan then the entire body of Christ might not stand as well. I know more pain is probably coming. But I have to accept that and move towards it. If I could go back and erase all of the pain I ever had.... even if I could erase one piece of pain, I would not do it. God has given me a heart based on what James said.... Count it all Joy. You know what... thats exactly what I am doing.... I can no discount the pain that I have been through. Every horrible thing that I have gone through has only made me a better person. I don't curse any of the pain I have gone through..... I cant say I enjoyed it... but I can say that it has made me who I am today... and Bob today is more the person God wants him to be than the Bob of 2 years ago. It's a matter of letting Him shape me. Even the pain that Tiff and I have gone through. It has made us better people. Maybe it was for us collectively or maybe just for each one of us individually. I can't answer that. But I will not take the pain that Tiff and I have experienced and make it worth nothing. I will count it all Joy and I will know that it was all part of the process of God making us the people that we are meant to be. Tiff made her decission to not be with me.... I will accept that and I will take Joy in knowing that I let Tiff make the best decission for herself. I need to be happy that she is happy. And maybe we'll get back together... who knows? But the pain we went through.... it wasn't worthless. If it was that pain that pushed Tiff away, then that is what needed to happen. So where am I? Well, it looks like I am on my way out of Carpathia.... it looks like I'm single.... but honestly... where is that going? I don't have a clue. I don't need to know. It is only my job to understand that God is in control and that He will not let me go. Humans fail.... Humans promise to never leave someone and then they do... thats part of our nature.... but God does not fail. God promised to never leave me... and I know that He won't. Keep me in your prayers as I continue on my adventure. And thank you for the prayers that all of you have already invested in me. God Bless! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Over the last half week I have learned more about myself than I ever dreamed of... I also learned alot of good lessons about trusting people.... and I learned some stuff to push me in the right direction. Some people gave up on me.... but I know that God is still in control and that's all that matters. For right now, I want to get to bed. Hopefully when I wake up I'll be able to update everyone on where I'm at and whats going on... it will lack ALOT of details but at least will be what I am feeling and whats going on..... My only concern right now.... Im affraid to go to work tomorrow.... I really dont know what to expect.... Goodnight! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |