BibleBoy's Blog: March 2006

Thursday, March 30, 2006

There has been a lot of pain in my life as well as everyone else's life. So many times we cry out and ask God where the justice is. Why are we allowed to be treated in such horrible ways at times and yet those who bring affliction on us seem to thrive. It's a concept that we can't fully comprehend but I think a good portion of the answer is found in Exodus when God led His people out of Egypt. These people had gone through so much pain and suffering and I'm pretty certain it is more than most of us could even begin to imagine. Why? I think that God puts it pretty clearly in the end when the Egyptians drown in the Red Sea.... In Exodus 14:17, God says "...And I will gain glory through Pharaoh and all his army, through his chariots and his horsemen." God has promised us that everything will work together for His glory. And His Glory I believe is partially us. These people had so much affliction on them and, as any of us would, they wanted to see the source of that affliction taken care of in one way or another. God felt for His people and as you read this story in Exodus, you see that God actually was hardening Pharaoh's heart. This doesnt really make logical sense.... If God really cares for us, why does he make those who bring affliction on us hate us even more? But, again, the answer lays in His glory. It's not our responsibility to harm those who harm us. It's not our place to judge. This is God's place... and I think He takes great Joy in not only removing our source of affliction but in completely destroying it. In this case, God was leading the Israelites in circles at times, it seemed.... and it seems like they were allowed to be put in bad situations and I'm sure this frustrated them. But in the end, it wasnt just a handful of their enemies that they watched drown... it was all of them. God completely wiped out every enemy they had right before their eyes. It wasn't the Isarelite's position to judge those people, but I'm pretty certain that they had some very big smiles on their face. God didnt just take their enemies away like they asked.... even tho it did bring some more pain, He gave His people more than what they were asking for.... He showed them His power and let them watch their advesaries be destroyed. If you could go back and talk to those people, I bet more than just a few would tell you it was worth it.

Isaiah 29:5
But your many enemies will become like fine dust, the ruthless hordes like blown chaff.

There are many references through both the Old and New Testaments where God tells us that He is not only going to deliver us from our enemies but we are going to see their destruction. The important thing is that God is going to take care of this. It is not our place to judge. If we do judge our enemies, then we become like Jonah who just didnt understand that God's forgiveness is available to all people. Jonah sat on a hill waiting for Ninevah to be destroyed. He took it into his own hands to judge those people but in reality, they repented and became better people. Every single one of our enemies is able to be redeemed. And instead of us being disappointed, we should rejoice! Not only did our enemies enter a position of not being our enemies any longer, but the Kingdom of God has grown. These are the matters that God holds in His hands.... They are not in ours at all! God will bring Glory to Himself.... and I believe that all of us will benefit from that. Maybe we will face lots of pain in our lives but we will also see our enemies either completely destroyed or we will see them join us in Heaven. I think this should be great comfort to anyone who is experiencing pain. God doesnt allow us to be given into our enemies hands unless we have something to gain.

God truly is an amazing God. He watches out for each one of us whether it seems like it or not. I am convinced that He is planning great things for each one of us, even as we go through these (seemingly) never-ending struggles. James said "Count it all Joy" when you face trials (James 1).... and maybe this is just part of what he meant by that.

Posted @ 3:54 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

The Sleeping Giant Goes on the Offensive - April 3, 2006
"No, I do not. Nor do my children. My children--in many dimensions they're as poorly behaved as many other children, but at least on this dimension I've got my kids brainwashed: You don't use Google, and you don't use an iPod."

Wow... Steve Balmer brainwashes his kids.... With skills like that, its no wonder Microsoft rules the world :)

Posted @ 12:24 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

BibleBoy's Xanga

No, its not mine... but there is another BibleBoy out there on the net.... hehe... actually, there are a few but I still think I am the first since my name "BibleBoy" was used back in the BBS days before the internet really exsisted.... Crap, now I sound old... :) But its ok, I *DONT* remember when color TV was invented..... but I think my dad does... (after that, should I go home this weekend) lol

Yea, btw, I'm in a good mood.... can you tell? :)

Posted @ 12:17 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Bryan White did a song called "Someone Else's Star" .... Tonight after I dropped Robin off I headed to work and I heard this on XM. It really made me realize something... I could pretty heavily relate to this song.... I wish and pray for something and not only dont I get it but someone next to me does. It's a frustrating thing.... The song is about just that... questioning why it is when we wish for something, someone else gets it and we dont. I really started thinking about this and realized that maybe when I wish on someone else's star, the intent is to do just that: Help someone. I have 2 main goals in my life.... I want to be a good husband and a good father and I also want to help as many people as possible. If I wish for something and someone else gets it, havent I accomplished part of my goal? It does got a step further.... Garth Brooks wrote a song called "Unanswered Prayers" which is such a powerful song when you think about it. If you think about the ideas that Garth had in that song and you combine it with Bryan White's song, couldnt it be that you might just receive benefit from that too? Even tho we live in the "Microwave Age" where we want everything now, it's still alot better tasting to have something cooked on the stove.

One thing that comes to mind that fits this perfectly in my own life is the whole Tiff situation. I wanted to be with her so bad.... I enjoyed the times that we had together and I wanted those to live on.... but maybe I wished on someone else's star? Not only is she going to make another guy extremely happy, but there is another girl thats going to fit in my life better. It's been a hard thing getting over Tiff but now that I'm there, it feels so much better. I know that there is a completely amazing girl out there for me and maybe it's someone I already know.... The point is, it feels so much better to accept that fact that I may have wished on someone else's star and that if I did end up with Tiff, maybe some other guy out there would be heart broken. What happened has happened for a reason.... Both with Tiff and I getting together and with us breaking up. I'm a single person and I have an amazing girl in my future... and it feels good to look to the future instead of back on the past. If I wished on someone else's star and someone gets what I was wishing for, then I can really take that as I helped someone else out and in the future, I will receive something better than what I was wishing for.

God certainly does take care of all of His children and I am very proud that I am His child. Even if He doesnt do things as quick as we want Him too, we have to understand that maybe He's working on an entire home-cooked dinner and not just microwaving the latest Hungry Man meal.

Posted @ 10:13 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Wow... I slept till like 5:30.... Much needed catch up after the few long (or short, depending on how you look at it) nights. I feel pretty good tho.... and the important thing is I woke up before my life group! :) I'm really enjoying being a part of that group. Anyway, I'm picking Robin up at 7 so I better get headed out.

Posted @ 6:46 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Monday, March 27, 2006

(Now!)
Everything in which you struggle and strive to be
only proves that you are something that you cannot be.
(See!)
You're bringing me down with false words profound,
making me pray for silence, the only golden sound.
(See!)
Why must I be required to suffer for art
when it's something you exclude from the very start?
(See!)
You're putting me under a microscope.
How will I cope when I know that there is no room to hope?

And you're allowing me access to your family and slamming me,
say this will be the fall of me.

(When!)
did you forget that freedom of speech is something I would protect,
denying my fruits are in check?
(When!)
the words of the brethren,
'cause time and time again I see it put back together again.
(When!)
I had to come to terms that wherever you turn,
some are quick to love and some would rather see you burn.

This is my test of time! Endurance!
Struggle is something that I'm used to
been abused too
and it's something that I know to be too true
(Now!)
And I remain the one to deal with false recognition,
wishing still while you're dismissing.
(Now!)
that I agree and you agree that we can never agree
and still you turn and run and I will see.
(Now!)
that this is all that you have for your case, you turn in disgrace
Say it too my face!

This is my test of time! Endurance!

"Endurance" by EDL (Every Day Life)

Posted @ 6:05 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

This is getting somewhat annoying but I'll adapt. I went to bed at about 9:30pm last night.... I was just so mentally and emotionally drained that I just needed to lay down and rest.... But at midnight, I was up.... and I've been up ever since. I tried going back to sleep multiple times but I just tossed and turned. So going to bed early last night was supposed to get me extra rest that I needed and I ended up only getting a little over 2 hours.... But here it is almost 5:30am and I still can't sleep.... I feel pretty good right now so I'm just going to start my day. There is alot of work to do at the church office this week so its probably not a bad idea to get started.

I guess the biggest problem is that there is just so much on my mind right now... and so many things that I need to get done. I'm not really so much worried about New Life and MFC but its the little odd jobs that are stacking up against me.... Helping friends and relatives.... and I just simply am not able to make the time for them that I would like to. I havent talked to even my mom in weeks.... I tried to call Friday when I had some time but she was busy and then later I was busy again. I'm just really starting to feel bad about this stuff.... I'm trying... I really am.... and the other tough part is people dont understand how much it easier for me to communicate with email than on the phone.... But I know everyone else wants to discuss things and get things resolved on the phone but it just doesnt work for me.... email is so much easier for me because I am a multi-tasker. Half my life is waiting on a computer to do something so in those moments, I can work on another project for a brief period of time.... this is perfect for sending an email response but if I start a phone conversation, it goes on for a while and next thing you know, my other project gets pushed back, I get distracted and things get frustrating.

I'm trying... I really am trying..... The fortunate but also unfortunate thing is that I have a lack of people to hang out with and such so to keep myself busy, I'm working on these projects... but at the same time, I dont have any way of relaxing.... and, for me, there is no such thing as relaxing at home.... unless I'm with someone else doing something, I always end up going back to working on something..... which wears you out. I dont like being idle.... which is another blessing and curse all at the same time. I just can't relax.... Maybe this is why I feel so much better when I am in a relationship.... being able to cuddle up with a special girl and watch a movie or something like that is the best way that I have ever relaxed.... I dont date someone that I dont care about so as a result of that care for her, she becomes important to me and time with her is important and is precious. No, I don't need a girlfriend... and I really have adjusted to that frame of mind.... but it is something I desire and I'm pretty sure whenever God shows me that special girl, things will be alot easier and more exciting for me. Sure, I've made my mistakes in relationships and I'm sure I will again.... but this is life... maybe I've destroyed some.... maybe the other person destroyed some... it doesnt matter. What ended was for a reason no matter why it ended. There is a special girl out there for me and I'm looking forward to the time that I meet her (or realize who it is if I already know her).... but for now, I just want to hang out with friends... I want to be able to sit and talk with people.... It's always been an important thing to me that a relationship be built on friendship.... So to get to the relationship, I need to build a friendship anyway.... but just because I'm building a friendship, doesnt mean that I feel that person is the one... it's just because I want a friendship with someone who seems to compliment my life.

I know there are a few people that still remain that care about me.... I'm sorry for the pain I'm causing you. I'm really trying hard...... And to all my friends and relatives that I havent had a chance to help with computer issues and such, I am really sorry... I'm trying hard with that too. I know I'm creating alot of pain to some people right now.... please be paitient with me. I'm a diamond in the rough.... I'm not the Potter but the clay.... if you think something is wrong with who I am, please ask the Potter to adjust me.

Posted @ 5:25 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Wired News: NSA Might Listen to Lawyer Calls

Another step towards securing our nation from terrorism.... and even bigger step towards getting rid of our privacy once and for all.

I really never even remotely thought I would be on the democrat's side but I'm really starting to think we'd be safer (note: I didnt say safe) if Kerry was in office.

Posted @ 9:35 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I have a feeling this is going to be a fun week.... lots going on with the church's network and it could be pretty busy for me. I am planning on heading up to PA on Friday until Saturday.... I need to help my uncle and it'll be nice to visit... plus I'm sure my mom's fish need some attention :)

Today wasnt too bad... Well, church was awesome as always. I was kind of out of it at lunch tho. Elisa and I had a good conversation and that was nice.... I'm not doing so well in groups right now... I like one-on-one conversations because most of what I have on my mind right now isnt something I'm comfortable talking about in a group.... And its not even the people.... There may be 3 people I'd like to talk to about this stuff but if its those 3 and me in a room, I still won't say anything. It's just really hard for me because my friends dont really want to hang out with just me ... they say they just prefer being in groups but I dont know if its so much a preference as maybe they just dont want me spilling my guts to them.... *shrug* ...

I really thank God for New Life tho.... For the first time I really feel like I'm appriciated.... and its not just a feeling... I know that I am. Thats better than any salary you could give me. Right now I think if it wasnt for me helping out New Life, I wouldnt be holding together too well. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that I am appriciated.... this isnt something that I've felt too much in my life.... I usually feel like I'm just being used and once I've accomplished what was asked of me, the relationship ends.... New Life isnt like that.... They really are an amazing group of people and they really do appriciate me.... It feels good to feel like your worth something to someone. It especially feels good with all of the crap that I have taken from bosses and girls in the past two years.

Posted @ 5:43 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

There's a place that I love to run and play
There's a place that I sing new songs of praise
Dancin' with my Father God in fields of grace
There's a place that I lose myself within
There's a place that I find myself again
Dancin' with my Father God in fields of grace
There's a place where religion finally dies
There's a place that I lose my selfish pride
Dancin with my Father God in fields of grace
I love my Father, my Father loves me
I dance for my Father, my Father sings over me
And nothing can take that away from me

"Fields of Grace" by Big Daddy Weave

Posted @ 11:15 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Saturday, March 25, 2006

I'm really concerned about myself. I am still feeling a little emotion but I'm slowly becomming more and more numb.... Along with that it seems I'm becomming more anti-social. About the only person I really talk to anymore is Keith.

Right now I'm at Becca's birthday party. I'm kind of just sitting and watching everyone. I'm watching and feeling excited because the way everyone just let's lose and have fun. These people help make up the greatest church in the world. And what makes me happy is this attitude is what I always wanted to find in a church. Also watching my pastor and his wife interact with their kids, especially their 3 year old, just makes me smile. I long for the time I have my own kids to care for. This is how I know I'm not completly emotionally numb......

The problem is I don't feel excitement like I used to. I don't even feel sadness like I used to. Right now I know I'm emotionally in pain, but I don't really feel it. People ask me how I am doing and I don't know how to answer.

The anti-social thing is scaring me too.... And the worst of all is that being in big groups right now is killing me but everyone around me hates hanging out one-on-one..... So I try to adapt but I clam up and just make things worse. This has been progressing for a while and now I'm shy around people I'm close to. I overcame feeling this way years ago but now I'm falling back into it. I'm affraid of people hurting me because I've been hurt too much already.... But ill try again and the guess what.... I get hurt. Then this cycle turns into me hurting others..... I push them away... No one wants to be around me at all... And alongside that, I don't want to be around them either because ill just bring them down.

Posted @ 8:32 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Thanks to Keith's Bargain Basement .... er, well... I guess we dont have a basement but the trunk of his car? Yea, anyway, I finally replaced my Rockford Fosgate 10" subs with Keith's Alpine Type R 10" subs. After looking up the specs for the Rockford's I found that they were made in 1993 ... I knew they were old but wow :) These things have been through the war.

In other news, I'm feeling alot better today. I woke up about 2 hours ago and didnt feel too bad and for the past hour I've been talking to a new friend of mine and its just been really nice to chat with someone for a while.

God truly is amazing!

Posted @ 2:52 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Friday, March 24, 2006

I don't care anymore... There is already enough stress on me to worry about who said what about me, who humiliated me, who hates me, or whoever is upset with me. I guess I've always tried to have a few people around me as my release.... as those people failed me, I expanded to relying on other people for support.... The end result is I'm more stressed than I was to begin with. I fail people.... I fail people alot. I wish that at some point in my life I could find someone who embraces me for who I am, including my flaws... but thats alot to deal with since I seem to have more flaws than I have good points about me.... Maybe someday I'll get back as close to God as I once was and I wont have to worry about anyone in my life.... I've failed God and I've failed my friends. It's sometimes really hard to figure out what the point of my life is. There are alot of people out there that are loved by many and are popular and who fail a heck of a lot less than I fail.... I'm certain they could be much more effective than me in the things that I do.... why does God need me? It used to be that even posting here helped because there were alot of people that would email me or leave comments and encourage me.... but people have stopped.... I dont get responses to my emails.... Apparently, I really am too much to deal with. Now this blog is a place for people to link to and publicly humiliate me -- even people that barely know me. But that is something that I am ok with. This is me and this is who I am.... If there is any hope of me making an impact on someone's life, I hope it is because they get to see that I am a real person with real struggles. I am proud of who I am even tho it isn't much. I'm not proud of when I do hurt someone, and I wouldnt want to publicly humiliate anyone.... but who I am is something I am proud of. Being able to handle the things that I am handling in a completely honest manner is really a great feeling. Yes, it hurts that people are opposing me like they are.... and I guess I make it easy for them because I expose myself so much.... but this is who I am.... I dont hide behind any mask... what you see is what you get... and I'm sorry but its not much. If you want to attack me because of who I am, then that is your option and that is part of who you are.... Every person is their own person and their actions are that of their own. It's not my place to judge what is right and what is wrong and I do my best not to do that.

Posted @ 8:14 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

It's L-I-N-U-X

This is one of those things that you really can't make up... and anyone who ever worked in tech support can definately appriciate.

In case the link doesnt work, I have archived the email thread
right here.

Posted @ 5:52 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Aside from a few things in my life such as relationships, I am really happy with where I am. I am also very happy that I am doing things the best that I can do them both performance wise as well as integrity and honesty. Sure, I make mistakes like anyone else but I've learned alot and I know that honesty and integrity is what is important.... and thats how I plan to handle the situations at hand.

I think there are alot of interesting things coming up.... and I think alot of that can contain alot of stress for me but for all of that stress, it will be worth far more than what I put into it.

God's going to do some great things.... and I cant wait to see whats ahead :)

Posted @ 12:17 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

It really ended up being a good day.... And I don't even know why. Everything seemed so relaxed.... From cleaning fish tanks, to working with more outlook stuff at new life, a visit to cox, life group, and even working in the data center tonight. All just a really relaxed day. I have only been up about 32 hours straight or so... Hehe.

Posted @ 1:31 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Ahh hail!

no,really.... Falling from the sky.... And is it ever... Wow

Posted @ 11:54 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way to fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, oh

"Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood

Posted @ 7:08 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I give up.... no sleeping for me.... it's almost 7am and I still wasnt able to fall asleep.... so I guess I'll rely on the 20 hours I had yesterday :)

Weird thing was.... I was laying in bed just really excited to start my day today.... I dont understand why tho.... I mean, there isnt anything special today.... why am I so anxious? I dont get it *shrug*

Posted @ 6:41 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Just something to think about . . .

Genesis 2:19 ... In this passage Adam names all of the birds and the beasts of the earth.... but there is no menion of those in the seas. I think this is rather interesting because it hasnt been until recently that we have been unlocking the wonders that lie beneath the waters. We are finding more and more amazing creatures.... creatures that boggle our minds. What is so special about them? Why does it seem as tho God has saved those creatures to be revealed to us in today's age?

I dont have an answer.... this is just something that occured to me. Any thoughts?

Posted @ 5:34 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Wait another minute.
Can’t you see what this pain has f___ing done to me?
I’m alive and still kickin’.
What you see I can’t see...
And maybe you’ll think before you speak.
I’m alive for you.
I’m awake because of you.
I’m alive I told you.
I’m awake swallowing you.
Take another second.
Turn your back on me...
And make believe that you’re always happy.
It’s safe to say you’re never (alive)<- that word is supposed to be have!
A big part of you has died.
And by the way...
I hope you’re satisfied.
Tearing it back unveiling me.
Taking a step back so I can breathe.
Hear the silence about to break.
Fear resistance when I’m awake.

"Awake" by Godsmack

Posted @ 4:48 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Monday, March 20, 2006

You know, I've been thinking about something as I went to get something to eat.... Thinking about alot of things in my life and I've realized something.

Most people look at who they are and they can look back over their lives from the time they were kids at the positive things that made them who they are. Its never been a secret that I'm a very different person, but its really occured to me that my life was full of alot of negatives which is why I am who I am today.

This isnt meant to mean that I've had a life with no positives at all. In fact, the biggest impact in my life that produces my two biggest goals/values in life (unity and opposition to persecurition, specficially homosexuals) was very positive: Living in Florida for 4 months and working for Disney.... Unless, of course, you count all of the opposition I had regarding that move and the "I told you so"'s when I got back.... But the thing is, I am who I am because of the negatives.

Many people find things that dont look so great and then later they realize they are great. My attitude is always "innocent until proven guilty" ... If I meet someone, they arent negative until it is proven..... and this is actually the source of a lot of my pain. The thing is that I look at everything as a positive until it turns negative and in almost all situations, it turned into a negative. Odder still are the things that were logically negatives that turned out to be the best decissions (dropping out of higher school, for example).

Think of the huge things that have occured in my life. The people that have been in my life... the opposition that I faced. Look at the girls that I have dated that were really great relationships that turned into complete disaster (amber, kendra, tanya, tiff, etc -- one exclusion being I met Eli out of dating Tanya and that WAS a positive). All of these relationships were completely negative in the end.... even tho many of them were looked at by me, as well as others, as really great relationships. Look at jobs.... the disasters that struck at export moose, b4futures, helicon, computer connections, eicomm, carpathia, etc. There were some positive things that came out of those but the overall results were disasterous... Look at what I went through as a member of CFC. Most dont know the story about when I was brought before the missions board and was completely attacked and told that I was not worthy to serve God on a missions trip.....

I've had a life full of negatives to make me who I am.... which is probably why I'm an awkward person. Everyone faces negatives but most can look at the positives in their lives that developed them into who they were. I, on the other hand, was developed into who I am today by a string of negative events with a few positives -- the exact opposite of most people. Not that I would change any of that..... but I guess what needs to be said here is that I am built on a totally different foundation than almost all other people. And I also have to say that I feel very blessed that I am who I am. Most people who are built on a foundation of negatives turn out to be not-so-good people. In that aspect, I guess that I am a miracle.

The one problem with this is I dont know where I am today. Am I to expect more negatives to occur to produce me into a better person or am I at a point where positives will begin happening. Working at New Life is absolutely incredible. Tho I faced some very hard persecution with some changes I made with email and probably will face more of that in the future as I move New Life into a new position technologically, I have some key people that are really encouraging me and they are constantly thanking me. And I also dont feel that this "persecution" was something target towards me.... many people cant see the good on the other end of making some minor adjustments so they think the changes are stupid. I dont take any of that as something against me..... but the thing is, I really believe that I am appriciated.

But in other aspects... where am I? Working for MFC is awesome and I'm enjoying it.... but others are attacking me by other means to try to make this relationship misserable for me. They havent succeded yet.... but I assume they will keep trying. I dont give up easily and won't give up in this scenario either. To those that are attacking me I guess I only have to say this: Bring it on! Look above and you will see that the more negative that is brough on me, the better of a person I become. Sure your words and actions may sting me but in the end, you lose. Working for MFC is great and I will hold on to that. It works out really really well and I'm not going to let go easily.

The one other aspect is friendships. This is becomming a very hard area for me. I, again, am starting to feel like an extreme outcast. I'm the person that is told they are a friend but yet never gets invited anywhere.... I'm the friend that is the least important... if you make plans with me, it is completely acceptable to break them when someone else has a better option. It is hard for me to do all that it is I do without being able to relax with friends. Whats worse is feeling like you are no one in the eyes of your friends. Friendship is something that I view as sacred.... and friendship involves fighting for just that. Friendship does not mean that you rush in and try to save your friend when they are down.... friendship is sharing in the great moments of his or her life. Friendship isnt something that exsists only when it is convient..... I guess the same is true inside relationships as well. I try my hardest to be there for my friends in good and bad scenarios.... I'm not perfect, the same as everyone else.... but attitude is a huge thing. Its not hard to see where someone's heart is.... and what scares me is that I'm not seeing any room for me inside of my friend's hearts. This is hard on me and has created a real struggle for me. If you told me that my friends didnt care about me, I would tell you that you were wrong.... but if you told me that I wasnt important to my friends, then I might have to agree with you. This is a hard place for me to be.... and it's actually where I have been my whole life it seems. Aside from a few key friends like Matt Shafer and Steve McGuire, I'm always left to question where I stand in the eyes of my friends.

Posted @ 8:45 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I slept for 20 hours!

Last night I was not feeling good at all.... went to bed around 9:30pm and woke up at 5:30pm..... and I'm still not feeling real good.

I'm really not sure whats going on with me.... it's like this on again, off again thing as far as being sick. I felt horrible Saturday night last week, was fine Monday.... now I was sick last night, still sick today.... even going back a few weeks is the same thing.... I just seem to get real sick for a day or two and then I'm better for a week.... and the same thing happens again.

There has been alot of stress on me so I dont know whether to account this to that. Alot of hurt feeling and alot of things that I dont really want to have to go through.... but they dont neccesarily line up at the same times I'm sick.... although that doesnt neccesarily mean thats not the problem.

Don't really know what to think..... just could use some prayers.

Posted @ 5:50 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Sunday, March 19, 2006

So I'm pretty depressed again..... but rather than whine and moan, I'm just going to take some xanax, fall asleep.... and wake up to a new day tomorrow.... Hey, some day someone will start caring about me, right?

Posted @ 9:46 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

"No duh" love..... The best example of this is the angels. The angels love God because they see him everyday. Its easy.... You see God's Splendor everyday. But what about us? We can not have "no duh" love because we don't see Him everyday. This is why we mean so much to God.... When we love Him its a risk and a struggle.... God knows we Love Him because we have to work at it.... We would only do that if it was true love. This is why the split between God and man is a good thing.

This is what love is.... Its pushing on when things are rough. We, as humans, were created in His own image and it is His desire that we mock Him in our lives.... The way we do things should be what Jesus would do. Those bracelets that were popular 5 years ago were so refreshing.... But they became the thing to wear. It wasn't taking a risk anymore because WWJD was just something to wear. All of a sudden, it meant nothing.

What is true love? Its not giving up. We see so many failed marriages now.... This is the result of discomfort and struggles.... And we blame God! Are you kidding me? These troubles are a blessing..... When we have struggles and we want to give up, its then that the other person really loves us. If we or they give up, then where was the love? A romantic relationship should be followed after the example that God gave us.

People are so easy to give up now... On people and their dreams. God wants people who mean business..... And I want to find a girl who means business as well. People say God doesn't tell us how to handle situations but His life is an example in almost all situations.

Posted @ 12:57 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

It's a new day and the start of a new week..... and I'm up and ready to go to church :)

May God Bless this week for everyone!

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Friday, March 17, 2006

So I just filled out my personality profile thing at www.true.com .... I'm more than likely not subscribing because it's way too expensive but I thought my profiles seems to describe me well so I'm gonna post it here:

Personal Characteristics - Summary
You have conservative views and attitudes about the world
You appear to be very ambitious
You're somewhat intellectual
You are moderately conscientious
You have a high level of integrity
You sometimes seek out adventure
You have a somewhat adaptable personality
Occasionally you behave in a dominant manner
Money Attitudes - Summary
Money plays an insignificant role in your life
Social Life - Summary
Certain facets of your personality may occasionally make it challenging for others to interact with you
Having a social network is somewhat important to you
Stress Reaction - Summary
It appears that your understanding of your own emotions and those of others is average
In general, your reaction to stress is highly adaptive
You display a few psychological traits that may interfere with your day-to-day functioning
Communication Style - Summary
You are comfortable being vulnerable to your romantic partner
You need a lot of emotional intimacy
You are somewhat open to accepting your partner's opinions, goals, and input in the relationship
You communicate effectively and considerately with other people
You have a moderate need for intellectual, thought-provoking discussions with partner
Conflict Resolution - Summary
You have relatively strong conflict resolution skills
You are somewhat prone to conflict
Relationship Issues - Summary
You appear to be ready to commit to a serious, long-term relationship
You're looking for a long-term relationship
You're an incurable romantic
You are very attentive towards your romantic partner
You believe in being somewhat chivalrous
You have somewhat modern beliefs related to gender roles
Attachment Style - Summary
Your level of reliance on your partner is occasionally unhealthy
Sex Life - Summary
Your sexual experience is average
When it comes to sex and sexuality you are relatively liberal in your attitudes and behaviors
When committed to someone, you are a faithful and loyal partner
Parenting Style - Summary
You believe in providing children with a lot of affection
You don't believe in providing children with a lot of limits

My Ideal Partner

Personal Characteristics
Highly emotionally intelligent
Has a positive self-concept
Believes in doing the "right" thing and behaving with integrity
Highly dependable person
Somewhat concerned with being neat and organized
Has a tendency to stick to a daily routine but is flexible
Handles stress with ease
Strikes a balance between being dominant and encouraging equal input
Attitudes and Beliefs
Optimistic
Somewhat spontaneous and fairly open to new experiences
Flexible and open character
Conservative
Has some modern and some traditional perspectives on gender rolesHigh
Thinks that money is of little importance in life
Spends wisely
Communication and Conflict
Able to communicate effectively
Skilled at dealing with conflict
Social Life
Has characteristics of both an introvert and an extrovert
Possesses good social skills
Places moderate importance on relationships with family and friends
Relationship Skills and Attitudes
Trustworthy
Needs a lot of emotional intimacy
Somewhat tolerant individual
Willing to rely on others
Ready to be in a committed relationship
Moderately adventurous sexual attitudes and behavior
Faithful when in a relationship
Willing to discuss his/her feelings
Has independent and dependent traits when in a relationship
Moderate need for control
Emotionally steady; tolerant of occasional mood swings
Has good control of anger

Posted @ 10:42 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Anyone who says they can not understand how someone can shoot someone as the result of road rage has never drove in Northern Virginia.

Posted @ 5:51 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Thursday, March 16, 2006

What a stressful day....

There used to be a saying that everyone said up at Computer Connections.... "No good deed goes unpunished" .... and as stupid as it sounds, its unfortunately true. The nicer that you are to people, the more they abuse you.... I was born about 50 years too late I guess.... I trust people so much and I always get walked all over because of it. Everyone is out to get everyone... and it's sad.

I'm not nice to people to get anything out of it ... I'm nice to people because I want to be nice... It would be a bonus tho if someone would actually appriciate it and actually respect the fact that I am holding true to my word instead of trying to corner me by making stuff up.

I'm finishing up here at the data center and looking forward to grabbing something to eat on the way home and just relaxing for a little bit.....

Posted @ 11:26 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I need 2 priests... one young, one old.....

ahh, heck... just give me some advil and someone that actually understands what crack Microsoft was smoking when they developed Exchange.....

A ticket to Hawaii would be nice too.....

Posted @ 3:28 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I finally found an Anti-Spyware program that I support (other than the Spybot and SpywareBlaster programs I have been supporting). Its only $20 for a year license (and right now you can get 2 licenses for $30). So check it out and buy it! It definately makes a great impact in keeping your computer clean.

SunBelt Software - CounterSpy

For those of you that are techies, you may remember the Giant Anti-Spyware product. This was quickly becomming the best program to use for spyware protection.... Microsoft quickly bought that company out and re-branded that software as "Windows Defender" (aka Microsoft Anti-Spyware). With this, of course, they watered down alot of the threats because some of the companies that are threats are also Microsoft's Customers and Partners.... The interesting thing is that SunBelt Software was working with Giant on this software package so the system is actually their property as well. Microsoft and Sunbelt have seperated ways but this CounterSpy program is 100% what Giant Anti-Spyware was without the watered down results Microsoft is adding to their version of the program.

Posted @ 11:31 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Im so emotionally numb right now.... Kinda like when you just cant get physically comfortable you squirm around.... thats how I feel emotionally.

Posted @ 11:55 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

This is a test, right? I just got a call with a job offer for $60k in Sterling..... Thats substantially more than I make now..... but what do I do? I guess I am leaning towards not taking it.... I like where I am.... and I think I'm where I can be most effective for God..... so I guess thats my answer, right?

Posted @ 1:47 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Things are still going pretty well for me.... Im happy about where I am in life.... but the thing that I realized is that I really am going to have to go back into counseling.... There are issues that I just cant seem to get over. There are things I'm not handling well. All related to relationship things, of course.... whether that be friendship or romantically.... So I guess please keep that in you prayers.... I need find a good counselor as well as the finances to afford it.

Posted @ 1:40 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

To: Randle El,

OK, so you are richer than you were yesterday. But keep in mind the
following...

1. That you have signed with a team that is already set in the wide reciever
position and will probablly run you as a ..3 guy

2. That you have signed with a team that has an owner that puts more value
in buying big name flashy players than investing in guys that bleed and
sweat from a genuine love for the game

3. That you will be pawning your superbowl ring as soon as Dan Snyder finds
someone else with a flashier name and even Al Davis doesn't know who you
are.

4. That you were one one of the ONLY NFL teams that complimented your style
of play and made you look at your best.

5. That instead of 80,000 screaming fans waving Terrible Towels and cheering
you onto the field, you now have to look at a bunch of fat guys in dresses
wearing pig noses.

6. That occasionally getting into the playoffs stems only as a result of
being in a division that is consistantly mediocre and is only good enough to
not lose as much as the other teams and eventually has to play an AFC team.

7. That Washigton DC has the highest crime rate per capita and tripled the
crime rate compared to that in the Burgh.

8. That Lavar Arrington just actually forfieted money to be able to leave
Washigton to go to a team that will not sit you on the pines because of
personal off-field politics.

9. That words like "superbowl", "parade", "Lombardi" and "champion" will be
forever restricted from your volabulary and replaced by words such as
"overpaid", "overrated", "dead-weight" and "downgraded"

10. And finally, that you were a millionaire regardless of what city or team
you play for

Posted @ 9:12 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Monday, March 13, 2006

I never realized until today how paticularly horrible Microsoft products are at handling large amounts of data. You put all of your archived email in a folder in Outlook thinking that you can easily go back to it if you need to.... but then, you reach thousands of messages and anytime you want to do something in that folder, your system comes to a crawl if it still moves at all.... It's just unbelievable....

Posted @ 12:13 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

So a fun day at the New Life Office today, I'm sure. Mail migration and all that fun associated stuff :) .... After that I'm (well, I think I am) hanging out with Kim, Becca, and Nathan at IHOP or something and then headed up to PA.... I have to meet with my lawyer tomorrow.... I wanted to ski too but Hidden Valley is closed until Saturday..... Speaking of which its going to be 81F today.... WTF? Where did spring go? :)

And so starts another day.... I'm feeling alot better both emotionally and physically. Still have a bit of a sore throat but I can deal with that. Alot of the things that were really bugging me over the weekend have been resolved.... Wish I could have made church yesterday but I was so sick yesterday morning I couldnt even stand up..... And I'm going to miss my life group tomorrow night since I'll be in PA..... but at least it'll be nice to visit PA.... Maybe I'll get to see Eli!

Well, everyone.... have a great week! :)

Posted @ 8:12 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Reporters Exempt From Eavesdropping Bill

Where does it stop? I'm moving to Canada! So now it will be illegal to report that the president is breaking the law..... honestly, Bush has to be the worst president in history. This has to be stopped but I dont think there is much hope of it stopping :(

Posted @ 7:03 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Some of you may know me, many of you won't
I am just a player in the band
Some of you will listen, some of you will hear
Some of you may laugh at me and some of you will cheer
'Cause all of us, we are an audience
Looking for evidence to help is all make sense
Chorus
Have we left the answers far behind? (Oh)
Are we running from the light? (Oh)
And our legs are growing weaker
Chasing shadows in the night.
Tell me have you noticed
The tide is rolling in
And the waves are crashing harder now
The shore is wearing thin
And the message in the bottle has been lost and sea
But the words live on forever, it's meant to be
Chorus
(repeat twice)
Chasing shadows in the night.

"Chasing Shadows" by Nouveaux

Posted @ 12:44 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Sunday, March 12, 2006

I need to relax somehow ... Why can't I? I tried to just clear myself of everything today but I still can't relax. I need to get better too..... Still not feeling well. This all just sucks :(

Posted @ 7:43 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

ACLU Pizza Ad

Funny but yet very true.

In other news, if I said I was sick this morning it would be a very large understatement :(

Posted @ 11:30 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

We know that its not hard to confuse windows, however, Keith went to the extreme today on my computer. Here's one to remember:

Posted @ 2:19 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Saturday, March 11, 2006

He was raised on a tractor in overalls and boots
Been to college and then law school since leaving his roots
Came home in a Lexus,he left in a Ford
Country ain't country no more

He told his daddy catch up with the times
He said now a days people trade heifers online
Dad ain't selling deals with a handshake like before
Country ain't country no more
No,country ain't country no more

The back forty was sold to make up for hard times
Then sold by the half acre lot overnight
The houses went up and the trees were cut down
And there went the finest deer hunting around
Lord everyone's locking their doors
'Cause country ain't country no more

Now his dad sits in traffic looking 'round at the change
Watching crews turn the county road into four lanes
The old Sunday drive has turned into a chore
Country ain't country no more
Lord,country ain't country no more

The back forty was sold to make up for hard times
Then sold by the half acre lot overnight
The houses went up and the trees were cut down
And there went the finest deer hunting around
Lord everyone's locking their doors
'Cause country ain't country no more

There's no turning back
And you just can't ignore
That country ain't country no more
No,country ain't country no more

"Country Aint Country No More" by Travis Tritt

Posted @ 7:08 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I'm feeling a tad better both emotionally and physically.... Still pretty sick tho.

Posted @ 2:27 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

There is only one thing that can really be said about me right now.... I'm a complete mess.

I can't sleep at all.... I can barely lay down.... yet I'm tired as crap.... Every hour that passes I get sicker and sicker. What started as a headache has now progressed to nauseau and sore throat and .... ugh.... My mind won't stop...... I'm losing faith second by second. I don't see much hope anymore.... hope that I saw just 24 hours ago isnt there anymore. I have no one to reach out to.... they people I thought I could are gone.... some are even attacking me. I really don't know what purpose I server. I'm just realizing more and more how much of a horrible person I really am. It's the only thing that makes sense. People have a max time in my life of about a year.... after that, they just seem to disappear.... It only makes sense that that is about the most that anyone can handle of me. Then there is Tiff.... that went beyond a year and we see how much that screwed things up. People can't deal with me.... and even if they could, its more important to note that they dont want to deal with me. I'm just a person who screws up and lives in sin daily. It seems that so many things I touch turns to crap. The more I think about this, the more amazed I am that some people can even deal with me for a month. What do I have to look forward to? Even if it was one month in the future, I loved looking forward to the time that I would get to see someone or do something..... but I dont have that anymore. I have nothing to look forward to anymore. There is no one in my life that really means anything to me anymore.... it's all just drifting away.... everything is drifting away. There is nothing to put my hope in anymore. I'm misserable.... and I have nothing to look forward to.... nothing in the future.... Just more pain.... This isnt life.... This isnt what I want to be.... I want to have a future, but I dont. There is no future happiness anymore.... there is nothing for me.

I really just wish I could go to sleep right now... but I cant.... this tossing and turning is killing me. I feel so misserable. I dont want to go on. I'm not even worth 30 mins of hanging out with to talk and get something at starbucks... and dinner? Hah... Just read these last few paragraphs. I mean, really... would you want to be around this misserable existance of a person? Obviously not.... I used to think I had nothing to do because of my schedule at Carpathia.... now I realize that there just isnt an interest.... No one wants to be around this mess.... Hell, I dont even want to be around this mess that is myself.

I have nothing to offer any of my friends..... nothing to offer any girl..... I have nothing to offer God. I'm worthless.... I'm just on this earth using up resources that could be given to someone who actually is worth something to so many people and to God. I'm just a hinderance to the entire world.

Oh, and by the way.... I dont want to hear about how I'm all wrong..... if anyone really truly believed that, they wouldnt have let me get to this point.

Posted @ 4:37 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Why do I have to be such a horrible and worthless person? Why couldnt God have just created me as someone that He could actually use. I really am not worthy of serving Him... nor will I ever be. I want to, but I just am not the person that He needs... There are so many people that are so much more pure than me -- people that sin less. What good am I to a perfect God? I sin so much and I screw up constantly. There are so many more people out there that are both smarter than me, more likeable than me, and more pure than me.... What good am I in comparison to them?

I really feel like crap right now. I'd be better off thrown in the sea and left to drown and to be forgotten of.

Posted @ 1:47 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Friday, March 10, 2006

I dont even care anymore. Go ahead and accuse me of whatever you want. I, again, sit at home with nothing to do. Tried to talk to a few people and nothing.... no one called me.... I'm alone again. As I sit here trying to find something to do with my time, I get emails from people accusing me of not being worthy of serving God. I am so gradually losing my hope in any of the friendships I have built (or thought I built) in Virginia.

I could have this much fun in PA.... *sigh*

Posted @ 10:31 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I'm an idiot.....

chmod -R irc:irc .*

That period there can really ruin your day :( Glad that was my dev server.... heh.

Posted @ 7:41 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

"One of the deepest longings a person can have is to feel needed and essential."
--Fred Rogers

Posted @ 3:16 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Thursday, March 09, 2006

In the last few days I've had three dreams that seem pretty substantial. I very rarely put much thought into my dreams but these dreams seem to link to some very huge things that have happened and I think paints some pretty big fears in my life right now.

The first dream was me walking out from somewhere to find my car completely dinged up and scratched, etc. It was pretty obvious that this damage was done by the car parked to me. I called the cops and they came on site and found the owner of the neighboring car. That person hinted that it was his fault but would not admit that it was his. Without an official statement from him saying that it was his fault, he couldnt be prosecuted easily.

The second dream was me sitting in church. I was sitting next to all of my NoVA friends. All of a sudden there was an intermission and all of my friends got up and moved seats away from me. One friend made the comment of "why are we leaving Bob" but no one made mention of it. They left me.

The third dream was me driving around with my family to find a park to have some sort of party at. We found a really great park and made reservations. The day of the party came and there was a huge flood that wiped everything out. The waters had dried up by this point, however. There were a lot of people wandering around trying to find something. My goal was to find an old "Top 50 things in the world" list (weird, I know). On my quest to find this list I bumped into someone else. We found this list which was painted on a wall. Most of the list had been destroyed but there were some things that remained. In reading what remained we both realized that what was on this list was completely absurd and made no sense. It was dissapointing to find that we searched very hard for something that wasnt even worth it.

The first dream paints a picture of a big fear that seems to have materialized. While there is an outside chance that maybe Tiff isn't dating someone else, the fact remains that she is hiding something from me. There are hints of lies but without a confession, it becomes very hard to process those thoughts.

The second dream is pretty straightforward. With everything that has been going on, this is a huge fear of mine. It often seems that many people dont have time for me and in my past I've always been too much for people to deal with and I've ultimately ended up losing them. It's my fear that this is happening again.

The third dream occured last night. I think this shows me that some things just aren't worth searching for or fighting for. I've fought for something for years now that just isnt worth fighting for. Things were destroyed for a reason but yet I kept searching and searching only to find out that they were destroyed for a GOOD reason. Now I can move on to another "park" and search for something (or in this case, someone) that is more meaningful to me.

Posted @ 12:26 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

It's a new day and a new life for me. I've thrown off alot of burdens such as Carpathia and Tiff.... and its time to start over. There are great things coming my way and I am looking forward to them. I am going to be happy with what God has given me and I am going to thank Him for taking away what was not meant to be. It's a new day and a new life.... Moving forward to the great things that He has planned for me.

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you,
open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten....

Oh, Oh

I break tradition,
sometimes my tries,
are outside the lines
We've been conditioned
to not make mistakes,
but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you,
open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten...

Staring at the blank page before you,
open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten...

"Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield

Posted @ 12:12 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I light your cigarettes
I bring you apples from the vine
How quickly you forget
I run the bath and pour the wine
I bring you everything that floats into your mind

But you don't bring me anything but down
You don't bring me anything but down
You don't bring me anything but down
When you come 'round

You are a raging sea
I pull myself out everyday
I plea insanity
Cause I can't leave but I can't stay
You say, won't you come find me and yes is what I say

You don't bring me anything but down
You don't bring me anything but down
Everything is crashing to the ground

Maybe I'm not your perfect kind
Maybe I'm not what you had in mind
Maybe we're just killing time

You with your silky words
And your eyes of green and blue
You with your steel beliefs
That don't match anything you do
It was so much easier before you became you

You don't bring me anything but down
You don't bring me anything but down
Everything just crashes to the ground
When you come around
When you come around

No more playing seek and hide
No more long and wasted nights
Can't you make it easy on yourself

I know you wish you were strong
You wish you were never wrong
Well, I got some wishes of my own

"Anything but Down" by Sheryl Crow

Posted @ 3:38 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

It's been a long time coming.

Tiff: KISS MY ASS!
I'm not going to keep dealing with your lies and your mind games. I'm done with it. I guess this is the point I needed to reach but I have finally realized that you are not worth the time in my day. You are yelling at me for publically humiliating you and jumping down your throat without even talking to you and asking if the information was true.... yet you STILL havent denied that it's true. You're lying to me.... and you've been lying to me. I'm done and it's over.... and really.... you can kiss my ass!

Posted @ 5:53 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Its 5:10pm and I'm leaving downtown Baltimore. God help me :)

Posted @ 5:08 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Tell me why you cried,
And why you lied to me,
Tell me why you cried,
And why you lied to me.
Well I gave you ev’rything I had,
But you left me sitting on my own,
Did you have to treat me oh so bad,
All I do is hang my head and moan.
Tell me why you cried,
And why you lied to me,
Tell me why you cried,
And why you lied to me.
If there’s something I have said or done,
Tell me what and I’ll apologize,
If you don’t I really can’t go on,
Holding back these tears in my eyes.
Tell me why you cried,
And why you lied to me,
Tell me why you cried,
And why you lied to me.
Well I beg you on my bended knees,
If you’ll only listen to my pleas,
If there’s anything I can do,
‘Cos I really can’t stand it,
I’m so in love with you.
Tell me why you cried,
And why you lied to me.

"Tell Me Why" by The Beatles

Posted @ 12:38 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Monday, March 06, 2006

So Tiff leads me on again...... Why cant I just freaking learn?

She's in a relationship now.... Thats not the bad part.... the thing is that she said things to just keep me hanging on thinking that she wanted to talk to me and try to work things out and said that she didnt want to be with me right now but that possibly in the future..... I dont think the girl has told me the truth a single time.... Yet, I keep wanting to believe.... I've been moving on and I've been doing ok.... and I'm still ok.... but it just sucks that she lied again... Maybe not outright lied but she hid the truth from me.

Why cant people just say the truth and be up front? I'm not a perfect person in any way.... and I was most likely the worst boyfriend to Tiff that anyone could ever have had... but I *ALWAYS* told her the truth.... even if it sucked.... she always knew what I was feeling.... and yet, I cant believe that she ever told me the truth at all.... Mind games is all the girl is into.... and yet she is so cute and so sweet that she gets away with it.

My life goes on.... its on her head, not mine.

Posted @ 10:32 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

FOXNews.com - Technology News - Feds Probe Record Companies Over Online Music Prices

Its about freaking time at least SOMETHING is done!

Posted @ 12:55 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Sunday, March 05, 2006

I decided not to head up to PA after all.... Just not in the mood to drive.... Sure, I'd love to ski tomorrow but its just not worth it right now.

*sigh*

Posted @ 9:16 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

sometimes I think I should just give up on having a life..... I mean, I have a purpose and things are working out really well.... I like my jobs and I like what I do.... but it seems that I'm just not supposed to be able to hang out with people tho... I dont really know what.

Its kinda hard.... I woke up this morning.... I was in a great mood.... church was great.... lunch was great...... but now I'm here working because .... well, it just seems that outside of Sunday mornings, I dont have any friends.... I was told that I need to ask people to go hang out with me.... and I do try... but it never works out.... I tried today and, well, it seems that its not going to work out. I'm not attacking my friends or anything.... I do care about them, but it just seems that I dont ever get to spend time with them outside of church and lunch after church.

I want so badly to either just sit and talk with one person.... just time to talk heart to heart.... or to go to a movie and just hang out and enjoy something together.... I'm heading up to PA tonight.... I was going to go right after church but it seemed like we were going to hang out tonight.... so I stayed here longer.... oh well... I'm taking the time to do some work at my church so I guess it's not wasted.... *shrug* Hopefully skiing will be good tomorrow night. I havent skied all year.... the plan is to actually hit the slopes tomorrow. Thats at least one thing that I can do by myself and still enjoy it... I tried the "finding more friends" route and that didnt work so I guess maybe I just need to focus on finding more things that I like to do by myself.

Life goes on... God's got great things in store. I just really wish I had some time that I could relax instead of working on some project somewhere.... but if I'm alone, I resort to working on projects.... heh, I guess I'm at least productive.

Posted @ 7:10 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Saturday, March 04, 2006

If Wal-Mart is one of the nation's largest employers, why can I never find someone to help me?

Posted @ 7:26 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Friday, March 03, 2006

I just want to take a few moments to say that I really love where my life is at right now. I've had people come up to me at random now that I dont work for Carpathia and flat out tell me that if I ever needed a new job to just let them know. It's a great feeling.... and the contacts I have made are absolutely phenomenal. But where I'm at right now is the best place I can be. Being on staff at New Life and also contracting for readnews (MFC) is awesome. The thing that is most amazing is the feeling you get when people appriciate you. Anything I do is always followed by a thank you. Everyone I work with is great.... Sure, I said all this about Carpathia a little over a year ago too.... could things change? Of course.... but right now, I can't complain about anything. God has given me great visions of things that I believe He wants me to accomplish in my life and the positions I am in open up more doors towards those visions than I could have ever dreamed about. Do you know what it's like to have someone just pull you aside and tell you that they have a small business loan and they want your advice on how they should use it..... or when you tell them your visions for ministry and they are excited about it and you find out that they are also a Christian? You just cant even begin to fathom what has been going on.... *I* can't fathom it. I went through alot of hell at Carpathia but I wouldnt have changed it for the world. Even tho it seems the goal of at least one of hte people there is to make me misserable, they dont realize just how much they have helped me and made me stronger and pushed me into the direction I needed to go in. Sure, I've been accused of stuff but what I was accused of is not true in any way. I'm not going to be bullied into not following my dreams. I'm excited about where things are going and I cant wait to see what is around the next corner. God is really amazing and He is definately doing something here. I'm glad to be a part of MFC and New Life.... I couldnt ask for any better companies to work for.... and there are also all of the other people/companies that I may contract for and work together on projects with.... The biggest thing is... I'm appriciated now.... I know that what I do is worth something to someone and it means something to them. It's not just work that someone else doesnt want to do.... I'm not just working for these places because they just dont feel like doing it. I am needed and they make sure I know it. I never could have dreamed how much being appriciated could mean to me.... Just the simple words of "Thank you" and the knowledge that it is meant.... there isnt much great than that in a job.

Thank you, God, for all that You have done for me!

Posted @ 11:34 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

60 Feet to High Speed: man builds own reception tower

Yaknow.... when Allegheny Power in Westmoreland County launched their wireless service, this almost happened at a certain residence in New Alexandria..... but then I ... I mean, this person.... thought again when he realized he'd have to have his parents agree to it.

Posted @ 9:17 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Family Video: NFL Super Bowl XL Champions - Pittsburgh Steelers DVD

Here ya go, Steelers fans! :)

Posted @ 4:39 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Holy crap! I cant believe how much I slept.... I think my body just decided that enough was enough..... it feels good tho :)

Posted @ 3:43 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

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