Friday, December 31, 2004 |
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(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, December 30, 2004 |
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Wednesday, December 29, 2004 |
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Tuesday, December 28, 2004 |
I am really down right now. Its not fair that everyone around me has a gf and I dont.... Im really crying.... why do I have to be so down and depressed again? I hope this doesnt last.... I thought we found what was wrong with me.... I really did think that.... come to think of it... I thought alot of things.... I guess im always wrong. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, December 27, 2004 |
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Sunday, December 26, 2004 |
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Saturday, December 25, 2004 |
Happy Birthday Jesus! So first the bad stuff.... my aunt acted like an ass tonight. Dont yell... Im done candy coating stuff. She called an ambulance to come get her... I had to sit and watch as she destroyed my grandparent's Christmas. I dont doubt she was in pain... but its the same thing over and over again. Im not going into detail.. it'll just get me worked up... but I have alot less sympathy for my aunt now. It's one thing if she wants to destory her life.... but when she starts affecting everyone else who is close to me... especially my grandparents.... thats where the line has to be drawn. Good stuff now... lots of good this year! Last night (Christmas eve) was a blast. We had a bunch of people over and things were really great. After everyone left we exchanged our gifts to each other. We all got my dad a car starter and me and my sisters got my mom a digital camera. I got a ski jacket from Lori and a new battery for my phone from Kari. This morning we opened gifts from santa... I got a bunch of CDs, a data kit for my cell phone, the matrix boxed set, a 1GB JumpDrive, some clothes and so on. My big present I already got a couple months ago which was my season ski pass to hidden valley. Then we went to my grandmothers. The first part of the day my aunt was fine.... actually things were great. We had a really good time there.... after most of my family left was when things got bad.... yada yada yada.... after that I went down to my other aunt kathy's.... I helped hook up lydia's karaoke machine and we all had a blast singing along to the songs.... then we came down to my house along with my uncle tim and had a blast playing "shout about movies" which is a really neat DVD game. good stuff.... so the day is coming to an end... On a side misc note, I talked to Tanya today for a little bit. I wanted to wish her a merry Christmas. It was nice to talk to her and it looks like I may take Eli up to the slopes some time to teach him to ski.... that should be interesting. I also got a text message back from Tiff.... I hope that she had a good Christmas. It was a little rough today at some points because I really would have liked to have been with her today... but that wasnt God's will for the day. I accept that and I made the best of my day. Sure things could have got me very down today.... but I didnt let them.... it really was a good Christmas. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, December 23, 2004 |
Truth is, in all of this, I am doing so extremely well. There are still frustrations in my life... the ADHD medicine, of course, has not taken those frustrations away.... I am dealing with them VERY well tho. Things are so great right now. Thats about all I have time for right now.. gotta get to work. Have a great day everyone! God Bless! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, December 18, 2004 |
n; the state of being a married couple voluntarily joined for life Its amazing what God has been showing me over the last week... how much I have matured and realized that God is there. I just finished watching "A Vow to Cheris" which I posted a link for a few days ago. In today's world marriage is so ... watered down. The dictionary description I posted continued on to say "or until divorce" ... it's a shame that our world has come to that. In my eyes... marriage is forever. It IS a voluntary commitment... but a final commitment. God reminded me tonight of what my ultimate goal in life has always been (besides serving Him). I want to be the best husband and best father that I can be. A sense of family has always been in my heart. When I find the right goal, whoever that may be, I will love her forever. It will never end. My life will be commited to being with her. Only death will cause our parting. Suddenly the stress from yesterday doesnt much matter. I had car troubles but its not a big deal. God got me through it. God was right there with me... as He was there with me skiing today. I could have been frustrated that my ankle was hurting in my boot; that I may have to buy new boots.... but why? God was right there with me. Maybe I couldnt spend more than an hour skiing today... but because of it I got to come home and spend time with family. We dont understand why things happen. All we can do is trust God; even when we dont have answers. God is going to use me in great ways... everyone has been telling me that but I have so blatantly ignored that. I am so thankful for the things God has done in my life. I am so thankful for the people He has surrounded me with. Not many people can say that they have a Christian boss, a Christian doctor, best friends that our Christians. Not all people can say they were raised in a Christian family. Many people cant say they own a Bible... many people dont have a friend like Tiff caring for them. Many people dont have God. I do. I can say I do to that... the same way I will say I do on my wedding day. The same way that my wife will have my commitment, God has my commitment now. God Bless everyone -- and thank you so much for your prayers. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, December 16, 2004 |
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(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Things are going very well with Tiff too. We have an incredible relationship. I am able to be more of the person I need to be for her... and that makes me feel good. I want nothing more than for her to be happy... I will do anything needed for that. I made so many mistakes in our relationship before and it turns out everyone is a very common side effect of ADHD. I have been sitting back and wondering what if I was treated for ADHD earlier... where would I be in life? Doesnt matter... whats done is done and I am right where God wants me. Life is good :) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I've gotta get it right this time This time my God I will be Yours, All my heart, my soul, and mind Been so long since I truly smiled But You touched my heart today Reached through my mind of mud and mire Consumed the idols in Your way So I am brand new Today, I make my resolution Been down so long that is seems like up, I took it now I've had enough Of the life that I've been livin' It feels so cold this far away So Today I will make a change I will make a change today Purge my mind of mud and mire Cast all my gods away I am brand new today, I make my resolution -- "Resolution" by The OC Supertones (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
There's just one thing I need I don't care about presents Underneath the Christmas tree I just want you for my own More than you could ever know Make my wish come true... All I want for Christmas Is you... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, December 15, 2004 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, December 14, 2004 |
Please continue to keep me in your prayers. Thanks! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
The Folded Napkin ... A Truckers Story I try not to be biased, but I had my doubts about hiring Stevie. His placement counselor assured me that he would be a good, reliable busboy. But I had never had a mentally handicapped employee and wasn't sure I wanted one. I wasn't sure how my customers would react to Stevie. He was short, a little dumpy with the smooth facial features and thick-tongued speech of Downs Syndrome. I wasn't worried about most of my trucker customers because truckers don't generally care who buses tables as long as the meatloaf platter is good and the pies are homemade. The four-wheeler drivers were the ones who concerned me; the mouthy college kids traveling to school; the yuppie snobs who secretly polish their silverware with their napkins for fear of catching some dreaded "truck stop germ" the pairs of white-shirted business men on expense accounts who think every truck stop waitress wants to be flirted with. I knew those people would be uncomfortable around Stevie so I closely watched him for the first few weeks. I shouldn't have worried. After the first week, Stevie had my staff wrapped around his stubby little finger, and within a month my truck regulars had adopted him as their official truck stop mascot. After that, I really didn't care what the rest of the customers thought of him. He was like a 21-year-old in blue jeans and Nikes, eager to laugh and eager to please, but fierce in his attention to his duties. Every salt and pepper shaker was exactly in its place, not a bread crumb or coffee spill was visible when Stevie got done with the table. Our only problem was persuading him to wait to clean a table until after the customers were finished. He would hover in the background, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, scanning the dining room until a table was empty. Then he would scurry to the empty table and carefully bus dishes and glasses onto cart and meticulously wipe the table up with a practiced flourish of his rag. If he thought a customer was watching, his brow would pucker with added concentration. He took pride in doing his job exactly right, and you had to love how hard he tried to please each and every person he met. Over time, we learned that he lived with his mother, a widow who was disabled after repeated surgeries for cancer. They lived on their Social Security benefits in public housing two miles from the truck stop. Their social worker, who stopped to check on him every so often, admitted they had fallen between the cracks. Money was tight, and what I paid him was probably the difference between them being able to live together and Stevie being sent to a group home. That's why the restaurant was a gloomy place that morning last August, the first morning in three years that Stevie missed work. He was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester getting a new valve or something put in his heart. His social worker said that people with Downs Syndrome often have heart problems at an early age so this wasn't unexpected, and there was a good chance he would come through the surgery in good shape and be back at work in a few months. A ripple of excitement ran through the staff later that morning when word came that he was out of surgery, in recovery, and doing fine. Frannie, the head waitress, let out a war hoop and did a little dance in the aisle when she heard the good news. Belle Ringer, one of our regular trucker customers, stared at the sight of this 50-year-old grandmother of four doing a victory shimmy beside his table. Frannie blushed, smoothed her apron and shot Belle Ringer a withering look. He grinned. "OK, Frannie, what was that all about?" he asked. "We just got word that Stevie is out of surgery and going to be okay." "I was wondering where he was. I had a new joke to tell him. What was the surgery about?" Frannie quickly told Belle Ringer and the other two drivers sitting at his booth about Stevie's surgery, then sighed: "Yeah, I'm glad he is going to be OK," she said. "But I don't know how he and his Mom are going to handle all the bills. From what I hear, they're barely getting by as it is." Belle Ringer nodded thoughtfully, and Frannie hurried off to wait on the rest of her tables. Since I hadn't had time to round up a busboy to replace Stevie and really didn't want to replace him, the girls were busing their own tables that day until we decided what to do. After the morning rush, Frannie walked into my office. She had a couple of paper napkins in her hand and a funny look on her face. "What's up?" I asked. "I didn't get that table where Belle Ringer and his friends were sitting cleared off after they left, and Pony Pete and Tony Tipper were sitting there when I got back to clean it off," she said. "This was folded and tucked under a coffee cup." She handed the napkin to me, and three $20 bills fell onto my desk when I opened it. On the outside, in big, bold letters, was printed "Something For Stevie. Pony Pete asked me what that was all about," she said, "so I told him about Stevie and his Mom and everything, and Pete looked at Tony and Tony looked at Pete, and they ended up giving me this." She handed me another paper napkin that had "Something For Stevie" scrawled on its outside. Two $50 bills were tucked within its folds. Frannie looked at me with wet, shiny eyes, shook her head and said simply: "truckers." That was three months ago. Today is Thanksgiving, the first day Stevie is supposed to be back to work. His placement worker said he's been counting the days until the doctor said he could work, and it didn't matter at all that it was a holiday. He called 10 times in the past week, making sure we knew he was coming, fearful that we had forgotten him or that his job was in jeopardy. I arranged to have his mother bring him to work. I then met them in the parking lot and invited them both to celebrate his day back. Stevie was thinner and paler, but couldn't stop grinning as he pushed through the doors and headed for the back room where his apron and busing cart were waiting. "Hold up there, Stevie, not so fast," I said. I took him and his mother by their arms. "Work can wait for a minute. To celebrate you coming back, breakfast for you and your mother is on me!" I led them toward a large corner booth at the rear of the room. I could feel and hear the rest of the staff following behind as we marched through the dining room. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw booth after booth of grinning truckers empty and join the procession. We stopped in front of the big table. Its surface was covered with coffee cups, saucers and dinner plates, all sitting slightly crooked on dozens of folded paper napkins. "First thing you have to do, Stevie, is clean up this mess," I said. I tried to sound stern. Stevie looked at me, and then at his mother, then pulled out one of the napkins. It had "Something for Stevie" printed on the outside. As he picked it up, two $10 bills fell onto the table. Stevie stared at the money, then at all the napkins peeking from beneath the tableware, each with his name printed or scrawled on it. I turned to his mother. "There's more than $10,000 in cash and checks on table, all from truckers and trucking companies that heard about your problems. "Happy Thanksgiving," Well, it got real noisy about that time, with everybody hollering and shouting, and there were a few tears, as well. But you know what's funny? While everybody else was busy shaking hands and hugging each other, Stevie, with a big, big smile on his face, was busy clearing all the cups and dishes from the table. Best worker I ever hired. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, December 12, 2004 |
Its so nice to have Christian friends.... I can certainly understand how marriage works so much better when both people are Christians... it just makes sense. It's very crucial to have those closest to us be the Christians that we need to be. Its such a good influence..... ... just something God spoke to me. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
God is really doing something amazing... He really is... and I want to thank everyone that is praying for me... I know that many of you are... I can feel it.... and thanks to the ones that are praying for Tiff too... that means alot to me... and I can see the evidence of those prayers as well. Thank you everyone.... thank you God! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, December 11, 2004 |
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Friday, December 10, 2004 |
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Thursday, December 09, 2004 |
Still trying tho.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
There really is way too much going on around me.... I have friend thinking im not friends with them anymore... ive got my aunt and my family (Im not even going there -- it'll just work me up).... my poor grandmother tho.... when you hear your own grandmother say that it would be better if we were all just dead.... it just kinda... it hits you hard.... things are really bad.... we really need your prayers. I could use a little extra sleep so I'm going to bed now.... goodnight everyone. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, December 08, 2004 |
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Tuesday, December 07, 2004 |
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Monday, December 06, 2004 |
I had a therapist appt today... I took a prescreener for ADD and I rated EXTREMELY high.... so there is a good chance I may be diagnosed with that... truth is, I could care less what they diagnose me with as long as they can figure something out to make me feel better. I really am starting to struggle all over the place... things are getting really bad.... nothing motivates me to do anything anymore.... I'm not happy.... I'm just flat out misserable. My therapist was in shock that I am able to function and at least go through the motions of a day. She was ready to write me an excuse for work.... I told her that I know I have to do it so I do.... I do it the best I can... I have issues that may set back what my best is... but at least I do my best. Maybe I have something going for me... I just dont feel like it.... things are bad.... I see my psychiatrist next Monday.... can you believe this is still only the first time? It's been well over 2 months since I've been out of the hospital and I am just now getting to see one...... I hope the Dr. can help me... I need help... things have been out of whack for way too long.... WAY too long. I'm a mess.... and its not because of anyone at all... it's because of me... its because of who I am..... Maybe I'm just meant to be a mess? Gosh.. I'm hurting so bad.... I have no reason to hurt.... but I am... I'm hurting :( (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
As Orion shines for me Are you there feeling the same as I Whispering love songs to the lonely sky And though I don't know where you are I know you must be there So for now I'll lay me down to sleep and dream and maybe tomorrow I'll kiss the air that covers you - I'll watch the moonlight dance in your eyes I'll hold you safely in my arms - Maybe tomorrow you'll be mine (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, December 05, 2004 |
Like opening the wound I'm picking me apart again You all assume I'm safe here in my room Unless I try to start again [Bridge:] I don't want to be the one The battles always choose 'Cause inside I realize That I'm the one confused [Chorus:] I don't know what's worth fighting for Or why I have to scream I don't know why I instigate And say what I don't mean I don't know how I got this way I know it's not alright So I'm breaking the habit I'm breaking the habit Tonight Clutching my cure I tightly lock the door I try to catch my breath again I hurt much more Than anytime before I had no options left again [Bridge:] I dont want to be the one The battles always choose 'Cause inside I realize That I'm the one confused [Chorus:] I don't know what's worth fighting for Or why I have to scream I don't know why I instigate And say what I don't mean I don't know how I got this way I'll never be alright So, I'm breaking the habit I'm breaking the habit Tonight [Bridge:] I'll paint it on the walls 'Cause I'm the one at fault I'll never fight again And this is how it ends [Chorus:] I don't know what's worth fighting for Or why I have to scream But now I have some clarity to show you what I mean I don't know how I got this way I'll never be alright So, I'm breaking the habit I'm breaking the habit I’m breaking the habit Tonight (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I watched the parade yesterday... Tiff looked so cute marching down with her trumpet.... the rest of the parade was good too :) ... it really made me miss 9th grade when I was in drumline. Then I walking back to campus from downtown made me remember when I wasi n school here and would walk to church.... same street and everything... made me miss that... and of course the days that Tiff and I were close.... miss those too. Alot of my life is missing the past right now.... maybe its because im in so much pain right now... I really dont know. I really still wish I could go back to May and change what I did then.... it was stupid of me.... and my life and tiff's life is affected horribly because of it. If I had one wish... that would be it... going back to May and changing my actions then. I could be happy now.... and so could Tiff.. Things are still ok between Tiff and I... dont get me wrong. There is sitll just alot to be resolved.... and it will be... in God's time.... Please continue to pray not only for me but for her too. Im gonna finish getting ready for church now. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, December 04, 2004 |
I'm leaving in a few mins to head up to Lock Haven to visit Tiff... maybe thats why I'm so happy? :) I dunno.... I'm just in a good mood and I HAD to blog about it.... since I havent had many of these :) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, December 03, 2004 |
As far as I know I'm going to visit Tiff this weekend.... hopefully that will go well and make me happy.... she definately has the power to make me happy.... she's done it so many times before... yet it is rough on both of us at times... I just really need to stick to it... keep pushing on.... I still wish for something very happy tho.... I need it. Well, my break is about over so I'm gonna get going.... I cant wait to get home and crawl in bed tonight.... Im *REALLY* looking forward to it... im beat. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, December 02, 2004 |
And you wonder how long it will take to heal And you wonder what you did to get here And you wonder who will save you from you You’ve tried everything that has been in your reach But none of it seems to satisfy So like a man lost at sea Your thirst leads you to drink the water The more you drink, the more your throat runs dry And you wonder why -- PFR "Wonder Why" (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Why cant something really happy happen? (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I was the guest preacher at my church.... and I got up and just went blank.... I didnt say anything... I just stood there... nothing... absolutely nothing.... then a friend took me out for ice cream and talked to me.... I came back and I started preaching up a storm.... then when it came to reading scripture I couldnt find it... I kept flipping through my Bible.... I couldnt find it... just like it wasnt even in my Bible... then my mom came up and read the scripture for me... I know that God wants to use me in a great way... I just dont know what I can do... I'm so worn out and down about everything.... its like I dont have much to be happy about and its dragging me down... I dont know exactly what that dream meant but I guess it kinda gave me a little bit of hope. As for today, I woke up depressed again... I'm down... and anxious too which definately isnt good. Today is my first day working at Jason's house.... not that I'll be doing much different than I do in VA but still a little nervous.... Either way, I have to finish getting ready.... Please continue to pray for me. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, December 01, 2004 |
I guess I am going to go to bed. Good night everyone. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
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(C)2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved
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