Sunday, April 30, 2006

I've realized that many of the struggles I am going through is nothing more than internal struggles. I fight with myself.... with each fight, I make myself better.

Tonight, I want to see the movie "Stick It" ... Why? I dont know. I mean.... think about this... me going to see a gymnastics movie. Growing up I felt so robbed by gymnastics. It took everything away from me... the attention was always on my sisters while I went off to a bowling tournament with whoever would give me a ride. When it comes to gymnastics, you have to catch me at the right time, or at least did. I always bounced between liking and disliking it. I hated to go to gymnastics meets... well, ok, until puberty hit.... something about cute girls dancing around in very little clothing.... But that aside, there was a big part of me that was proud. Yaknow, as much as I hated gymnastics because I felt it stole alot away from me, I was always proud of my sisters. I dont think either of them know how I went to school after they had a big meet and bragged about them. Being able to say your sisters were national champions... it was cool... I was proud of them. I dont care if it was YMCA or if it was USGF or USAG or whatever they want to call themselves now... it didnt matter what they were a part of, it mattered that they gave it there all... and I always was proud of them.... even tho sometimes it did hurt. And I look back now and I see that maybe its true that the attention was on them and not on me but in looking back, I realize that that was just a part of making me of who I am today and a part of who I will be tomorrow. I dont want to look for recognition or praise.... and its something that I started getting used to while I was young. You might want to psycho analyze it and say that my parents didnt treat me right.... before you do, I want you to remember that there is always something greater at work. I was never shorted of love and I could never have asked for a better family. The lack of attention towards me wasnt because they failed in their job... it was because they were a part of God's plan of creating me who I am and who I will be. I am who I am because of my parents and my sisters, and my whole family.... And while you see posts on here about me not wanting to be me anymore because of some of the pain associated with it, dont think that that means I want to be any other person. If I could be someone else, who would I be? I mean, I could pick someone I look up to and respect like Fred Rogers or Walt Disney.... but should I think for any second of the day that they didnt have struggles? And if I wanted to be more like them, wouldnt that be accepting what was already done and just doing the expected?

You dont change the world by doing what has always been done. If you follow the "rules" then you'll never make an impact. If you roll over and play dead, the world stays the same. In 1962 prayer was removed from the public school system.... Some say it was because of a corrupt government and the lack of focus on the founding values of this nation.... the reality is that it was those who just followed the rules instead of standing up against them. There are so many Martin Luther King Jr's out there.... so many Rosa Parks.... so many Walt Disneys and Fred Rogers.... but they all played by the rules and never made a splash.... they passed on without changing the world because they just wanted to accept what always was. After all, its easier that way, isnt it?

If you havent seen the movie and dont want to know about it -- skip this paragraph. There was a total demonstration of someone not being satisfied with the status quo. The gymnasts in this movie not only stood up to what they believed was unfair but they formed a team to fight it. Girl after girl went up and scratched. Gymnasts from different teams chose who it was that one and who didnt. They let one gymnast compete and the rest scratched. In the beginning we dont realize how much pain was built up inside of Haley.... We dont realize what happened.... but she didnt realize that what happened to her and how unfairly she was treated was going to shake the gymnastics world. She didnt realize the lives she was going to touch.... and who would have thought that changing the world would come because you intentionally gave up -- or so it would seem. The thing is, inside of us, we can't give up... what we do on the outside is an act of something that is happening internally. If we dont feel right about something, we need to stand up against it. This is why people go on strike. I dont condone alot of the union strikes but there are times when "quitting" for a time is appropriate because we need to make a point. It's important, however, that internally we dont give up and we keep fighting. Because, really, if we decide to throw a game or go on strike, is that really giving up? I mean, you face so much more opposition that way.... and the reason is because you're standing against what is the status quo. What if the gymnasts in the movie had competed like normal? Sure, someone would be proud that their daughter won the national championships but those gymnasts would have gone home just like any other day.... and the next year, it would be the same... again and again.

We dont innovate or change the world by following what others tell us. We do it by leading.... Even if that means going alone. I dont want people to be proud of me because I make $100k ... I dont want them to be proud of me becuase of a certain profession or a certain sport. I want people to be proud of me because of who I am internally. I want to be a person that someone who really gets to know me is the one that is proud of me... If you dont know me, you have no reason to be proud of me. It's not about what happens to me externally but about what happens on the inside. I've got a lot of work to do before I'm even someone inside that someone could be proud of... but I'm doing my best and I'll make an impact wherever God gives me the power to. It's not about me and anyone else... it's about me and God. If someone sees that I'm doing something right, I dont want them to be saying "good job" ... I want them to drop what they are doing and join me in what I am doing. We choose what we do with our lives but if we admire someone we can only immitate them... or we can join together with them. While there is the need for accountability and leadership, there is a need for innovation and breaking the rules.... Each one of us must do both.... Maybe we have a job that we must be accountable for. We are accountable to our boss while we do something else aside from that that someone else is accountable to us.... and it circles around. We are all accountable to someone.... and we all have a need to change the world. But, it's easier just to always follow.... Wake up, go through our day, go to sleep.... let's just get through this life and get it over with.... Thats the easy way.... OR ... how about making it interesting and shaking things up.

There is a lost and dying world out there..... They havent seen anything new or exciting and its because we havent shown them. If we stick to the norms, then how to we expect them to walk out of theirs?

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

I dont want to be me anymore.... I mean, I know why I am this person... I know what I can accomplish being this way... but it's killing me. I'm not satisfied with the status quo... I always believe there is something better and I always fight towards that... but there are so many people around me that just want to be satisfied with whats out there... whats easiest. And of course, I'm such a backwards person... I'm very different... Apparently I'm hard to deal with because my ideas are so different...

I'm different... while there is alot of things I'm happy about being different, there are some really big things that I cant stand any more. I can't stand being alone... I'm always alone... if I'm working on a new project... or I'm relaxing.... or, well, whatever.... I'm alone.... always. And I can't take it. I have people that are "friends" to me... but the more I think about it, they are only friends when they need something. They arent friends because they like being around me.... They are either my friends because they feel like "its the right thing to do" or because I have something to offer them. I go through alot of hard times... I deal with alot... and its not that I'm complaining about that... the hard times I go through only shape me into who I am and I wouldnt change those for the world.... what I was is someone that can put a little faith in me... someone that can give me even just a little bit of time to spend with me....

Today was a unique scenario at church. So many times I hear the message and it just really tugs on my heart strings about something that I need to change. Today was the first time that I ever felt as though it was doing just the opposite. Tim was saying about investing time into people and spending time with them... not just because you feel like it but because you care and you know that there is alot to offer both ways in a friendship.... Honestly, it really hurt.... I cant tell you the last time I hung out with my friends from church.... It's getting so bad that I dont even care anymore... I'm crawling back into my shell... I'm back to going to see movies by myself and back to being alone again. It's not where I want to be because I love being around people... but I'm just not someone that people want to invest time into... the only thing people have for me is accusations of why I'm doing something wrong... Bottom line is, I like who I am.... what I want is someone who can love me for who I am and not think it's a game to try to change me and make me who they think I need to be. Just because I'm not like you doesnt mean I'm not happy with who I am... I think differently... I like it that way... What I dont like is the fact that no one can love me for who I am.

As much as I like being different, I'm tired of it... Because I'll never have those friendships that I desire so badly... and I'll probably never find that girl that will spend her life with me. These are things that I desire more than almost anything in the world... I've tried to reach out to so many people but its all fallen on deaf ears. I need relationships... I need friends... I need someone to love me for who I am and maybe make a sacrifice to spend a little time with me.... I know I'm nothing exciting... but these are the things I can dream of, right?

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Here's just a few laughs for your enjoyment. I'm usually a very paitient person when it comes to helping people with computers.... I actually enjoy doing it. Sometimes tho, it just crosses the line... and I think the way any tech handles these times best, it's to laugh about it.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Feds Drop Bomb on EFF Lawsuit

In other news, the Bush administration takes another big hit on our privacy.... and in doing it, pretty much confirms that they are doing some shady stuff.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Valleywag: Scoop: DOJ jails Spam King! Alan Ralsky might rat out a massive hacker / spammer network

So maybe its just the rumor mill for now, but man is this exciting news :)

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Saturday, April 29, 2006

FDR said something great.... "We have nothing to fear but fear it's self"

I just got out of the United 93 movie.... This is a hard blog to write because there really arent words to say... there are thoughts... lots of them.... but they are hard to put in words.... The thing about this blog is that it isnt about any of the world disasters before.. this is current.... this happened in our lifetime.... it was real and is real and its not something that can be forgotten. It's not often you walk out of a theater where no one is talking.... few words could be heard.... tears were about the only thing you saw... It's real.... Its not a movie, but a true story.... something that happened just a few years ago.

So many people today live their lives in fear. While we have reason to be afraid, we can not let that fear affect our lives. We don't understand the bigger picture. We don't know what is ahead. So many people are hindered by their fear. Fear keeps so many people from doing what they need to do.... One of the biggest fears is the fear of failure.

Those people that died when flight 93 landed in Somerset, PA.... They were afraid... They had good reason to be afraid.... but they didn't live in that fear.... and they certainly didn't let the fear of failure stop them. Did the accomplish what they wanted to? No.... does that mean they failed.... Absolutely not. Those people are held in the hearts of many right now. They didn't go down without a fight.... And the impact that they have made on this world is great.... They may not even know that...

In a conversation with a friend today, I was told "some people don't understand that its not what you take with you but what you leave behind" and living in this area, I see it every day. Those people that died on flight 93.... all the people who died on September 11th, 2001.... It wasnt what they took with them... its what they left behind them. Lives have been touched.... And again, those who brought harm to Americans don't realize that they have only helped us. The same as every horrible experience I have gone through has made me the person I am today, America's horrible experiences have made us who we are as a nation.

All we can do is fight for what is right. There are greater things than anyone can even imagine. So many people are living their lives in fear.... whether it be fear of something small or something big... The fear of something tangible like not having enough money or the fear of something intangible like the fear of someone breaking their heart. Just because we fail doesn't mean that we need to roll over and play dead.... Its not an excuse to just quit trying.... We are going to fail.... We all have and always will.... Its how we handle that failure that is important. If we are afraid to fail and we don't try, then we have failed even greater than what we may have accomplished.... Sometimes we don't realize that the failure may be the solution. We don't realize that by failing, we might just touch someone's life... Whether we see it or not... Its not important whether we see it or not because its not about what we take with us but its what about we leave behind.

don't live in fear.... get up and be bold and do what you need to do. There is bad things in this world we live in... and it hits close to home. In 2001 I lived in Pennsylvania.... Only about 45 mins from where United 93 crashed.... today I live in Herndon, VA and the first real part of the movie took place right there in Herndon, VA at the traffic control center.... All of this hits very close to me. But all of this bad that is happening all around me... I cant allow it to stop me from doing what I know is right and what I know I need to be doing. I don't know who I'm impacting and I may never know... but because I don't know and because I don't gain anything from doing something does not mean that I shouldnt do it.... Its pointless to work towards my own personal gain and I pray that God forgives me of those times that I have been selfish. It's all about what you leave behind... If people could only see that and stop being blinded by this idea that money is the measure of success. Its not going to matter what car you drove or where you lived... Whether you owned a house or rented a basement... those things just don't matter.... They shouldnt matter.... There is alot more to life than that....

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Friday, April 28, 2006

So many thoughts going through my mind right now...... But its been a good day so far.

It started out with getting some news that I didnt know how to take at first but I realized that the situation was only going to show me some things about myself. Basically, New Life had decided to not go with my suggestion of converting to Macintosh... which honestly isnt an issue. And I'd never fault anyone for making a decission.... but I had a long conversation with someone at the church and it really pointed out alot of things to me.

It's never been a secret that I'm in VA because God wants me here.... the thing that happened to get me here were amazing... and maybe there are alot of times that I question what the purpose is.... but the comfort is in knowing that there is a purpose. I guess sometimes I feel like I'm an untapped resource... I'm here for a purpose and I'm going to accomplish that purpose no matter what it is or what it takes. I've faced alot of opposition in my life and I still do. Its about perserverance.... and I know some people read my blog and go "oh wow, this guy is down alot and is a complete wreck" but what people dont understand is that each person feels the same way but its just that I make it known because I'm an open and real person... that is who I want to be. But the thing is, I always do spring back and perservere and get the job done.... its tough.... Its gotta be tough if you want to make an impact. The things I really started realizing tho are that I have experienced so much because I need to have a better understanding than most of what works and what doesnt work.... That may sound odd but I have seen so many situations in tech that can help me make decissions.... most people dont need that experience but I do. For me, its not all about doing the technical stuff but its also about less technical decissions that affect technical work... For instance, what companies do you deal with? Do you partner with this person to accomplish the goal or do you do it on your own? Do you go with commercial products or with open source projects? What fits best in the surroundings? These are questions that technicians dont ask... and typically dont need to ask.... but where I am in life, I need to do both.... I need to ask those questions and I need to do the tech work behind it... Maybe I am an untapped resource.... maybe I'm not supposed to be tapped yet? Whatever the case is, God is doing something and that is what is important.

Where I fit in may not be 100% decided yet but things are starting to look clearer. My Ransom Network idea is looking more accomplishable but yet its not the time for it.... but things are leading that way.... will it happen? I dont know.... But I do realize that I'm not called to bring people to Christ.... It's not my calling... My calling is to enable those people that are called to do that. I'm called to work behind the scenes making things possible for them.... that is my ministry.... How exactly I fit in to each scenario is yet to be determined.... but its a work in progress.... and I'm ok with that.

Another thing that hit me was how important it is to keep my background. Today I walked into the F building in the data center which is where Carptahia is.... I walked passed the Carpathia cages and saw what I guess was my replacements (yes, more than one person replaced me) working.... and I walked by and just thought "that was my desk" ... Thats where I was.... for a year of my life, my effort was put into a company that I was not supposed to be with past a few months ago. But working for Carpathia was crucial in what God is going to accomplish in my life. IF nothing else, it was Carpathia that brought me to Northern VA which is, without a doubt, where I am supposed to be (at least for now -- hopefully forever). As I was leaving the data center, I had a security guard say hi.... I'm not often in the F building so I dont get to see them often but I am really good friends with almost all of the guards. There was another guard that joked about how I am always going into another cage and they are always getting ticket to let me into this company's equipment or in that company's equipment... and this guard said that he is so happy when he sees my name pop up on a ticket.... The reason is almost because he was proud of me.... He said it to the effect that I am going somewhere and he is happy for me.... and you know what.... I'm happy for me too. I like where I am. In amongst all of this, I was pretty frustrated for a bit because working for MFC requires a good bit.... few people and lots of work.... Tho its not a "no" answer when I need something, it takes some time to get it ordered.... these are some frustrations.... but what job doenst have frustrations. I'm happier at MFC than I have ever been anywhere else (except maybe Disney). As I left the F building to head back to G I took the back road..... there are some remaining dirt roads in this area that are open and this was one of them.... I turned onto it and drove down it passing fields on either side and leaving a trail of dust behind me.... and I remembered who I am... I am a Pittsburgher.... I am a Christian.... A free spirit and someone who is going to accomplish great things through the power of God..... Lots of frustrations have been in my life.... Yaknow... I miss alot of things... I miss living in PA... I miss working at Export Moose Bowling Lanes, I miss working at Computer Connections... and Pizza Hut.... I miss Amber and Kendra and Tiff.... I do even miss working for Carpathia and working with the romanians.... All of the above things were things that brought me great pain in many ways.... but also had good memories.... and most of the above already show evidence of why it is that I had to go through that time... some don't yet.... but whats done is done and I am where I am now and I am going forward from here.... I can do some great things if people just put a little bit of faith in me. I used to have a little card hanging in my room years ago that said "One man can change the world: Jesus Did" .... And yaknow what... I can change the world.... with Jesus' help.... and He will use me.... and I am looking forward to that....

People read my blog daily.... some want to know whats going on in my life.... some want to pray for me specifically, some want to know how they can help... and there are a few that visit my blog to look for ways to attack me.... My blog has been used against me many times... from the time that I had a link posted by someone I used to work with on a popular site saying something to the effect that religion has screwed up my life..... Even in this post, I'm sure someone can find something to attack me on... but the important thing is that I am happy with who I am and Jesus promised that any weapon formed against me shall not prosper. So to those who are looking for ways to attack me... all I can say is bring it on. Sure, I dont want it... but I am who I am and I like who I am... I have issues... I have struggles... and sometimes people may think that I'm not happy.... the funniest thing of all is that people think they have hindered my ministry and that they have damaged me.... What they dont realize is that those people who are thinking that who were people that brought alot of stress in my life -- those people are the biggest help that I have ever had. Do whatever you want.... no matter how evil it is, you may not realize that its part of God's plan....

I stand in Him... I accomplish what I do in Him... And whatever it is that is required of me to accomplish what He wants me to accomplish, I will do. I'm not affraid to take on huge responsibilities... I'm not affraid of even 1/4 of what I used to be. I may not be making alot of money but I am making great contacts and I am accomplishing that which I want to.... There is alot more to life than money.... and I am happier now making less money than I could be than if I took those jobs that would have "got me far" according to the world's standards.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Thursday, April 27, 2006

She said somedays I feel like shit
Somedays I wanna quit and just be normal for a bit
I don't understand why you have to always be gone
I get along but your trips always feel so long
And I find myself trying to stay by the phone
Because your voice always helps me to not feel so alone
But I feel like an idiot, working my day around a call
And when I pick up I don't have much to say, so

I want you to know it's a little [screwed] up that
I'm stuck here waiting, at times debating
Telling you that I've had it with you and your career
Me and the rest of the family here singing

Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone
Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone
Come back home

You know, the place where you used to live
Used to barbeque with burgers and ribs
Used to have a little party every halloween
with candy by the pile but now
you only stop by every once in a while
I find myself just filling my time
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind
I'm doing fine and I plan to keep it that way
You can call me if you find that you have something to say
And I'll tell you

I want you to know it's a little [screwed] up that
I'm stuck here waiting, at times debating
Telling you that I've had it with you and your career
Me and the rest of the family here singing

Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever that you've been gone
Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever that you've been gone
Please Come back home

I want you to know it's a little [screwed] up that
I'm stuck here waiting, no longer debating
Tired of sitting and hating and making these excuses
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless
It seems that one thing has been true all along
You don't really know what you've got till its gone
I guess I've had it with you and your career
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it

Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone
Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like its been forever that you've been gone

"Where'd You Go" by Fort Minor

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Monday, April 24, 2006

I've found peace of mind, i'm feeling good again
I'm on the other side, back among the living
Ain't a cloud in the sky
All my tears have been cried
And i can finally say

Baby baby stay
Stay right where you are
I like it this way
It's good for my heart
I haven't felt like this
In God knows how long
I know everything's gonna be okay
If you just stay gone

I still love you and i will forever
We can't hide the truth
We know each other better
When we try to make it work
We both end up hurt
It ain't supposed to be that way

Baby baby stay
Stay right where you are
I like it this way
It's good for my heart
I haven't felt like this
In God knows how long
I know everything's gonna be okay
If you just stay gone

When we try to make it work
We both end up hurt
Love ain't supposed to be that way

So baby baby stay
Stay right where you are
I like it this way
It's good for my heart
I haven't felt like this
In ooh in God knows how long
I know everything's gonna be okay
If you just stay gone

I know everything's gonna be okay
If you just stay gone

"Stay Gone" by Jimmy Wayne

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

So I just was explaining to someone a little glimpse of me... and I wanted to share that with anyone who still reads my blog. So here it is:

04/24 [11:14] bblboy54: when I was 16 I was diagnosed with clinical depression
04/24 [11:14] bblboy54: looking back, we now know that was a mis-diagnosis
04/24 [11:15] bblboy54: I had gone from being diagnost depressive to bipolar, to this, to that....
04/24 [11:15] bblboy54: I was in a mental hospital twice (don't let that scare you ... it was mainly for monitoring.... not that I was a danger)
04/24 [11:15] bblboy54: no one could figure out what the deal was with me
04/24 [11:15] bblboy54: a little over a year ago, a psychiatrist and I finally figured out what the primary problem was
04/24 [11:15] bblboy54: and that was ADHD
04/24 [11:16] bblboy54: and it is very unique in my case..... in fact, he said that he never saw this scenario occur
04/24 [11:16] bblboy54: I had been having serious panic attacks
04/24 [11:16] bblboy54: quite a few times I had to go to the emergency room to get a shot to calm me down
04/24 [11:17] bblboy54: the psychiatrist wsa afraid to put me on the ADHD medicine tho because it has a side effect of panic
04/24 [11:17] bblboy54: but the screener came back with undisputable results that I was ADHD
04/24 [11:17] bblboy54: so we decided to try it
04/24 [11:17] bblboy54: and my panic went away
04/24 [11:17] bblboy54: and we realized what was going on in my mind
04/24 [11:17] bblboy54: I'm a VERY determined person
04/24 [11:17] bblboy54: I don't take anything laying down
04/24 [11:18] bblboy54: I have to get the job done and get it accomplished
04/24 [11:18] bblboy54: the problem is, my mind organically doesn't want to focus on something until the job is done
04/24 [11:18] bblboy54: and it creates "internal friction" which causes me to have a panic attack
04/24 [11:19] bblboy54: additionally, I am a shy person.... but at the same time, all the psychological tests that I have taken point to me being VERY relationship driven
04/24 [11:19] bblboy54: meaning I have to be around people.... I thrive when I'm around people
04/24 [11:19] bblboy54: but I'm a really hard person to understand
04/24 [11:19] bblboy54: and its hard for people to deal with me..... so I guess I end up pushing them away
04/24 [11:19] bblboy54: which throws me back into issues
04/24 [11:20] bblboy54: and the problem is, I'm so determined to save the friendship that I end up doing just the opposite
04/24 [11:20] bblboy54: and at the same time, I have internal friction.... part of me says "this is the time to shut up" and the other part of me says "you're not going to let this friend go"
04/24 [11:21] bblboy54: and even tho since I've been on the ADHD medicine I have been doing 400% better, every now and then I have nights like I had last night
04/24 [11:21] bblboy54: where everything just gets to me and I basically get tired of hearing everything
04/24 [11:21] bblboy54: I am the way that I am because God made me this way
04/24 [11:21] bblboy54: and there is a divine purpose for that
04/24 [11:22] bblboy54: and I know that the experiences that I have had have only led to, and will continue to lead to, helping others in similar situations
04/24 [11:22] bblboy54: but in those moments like last night, its hard for me to think clearly because I'm so overwhelemd by the crap that has been going on
04/24 [11:23] bblboy54: and when people try to do the logical thing of telling me that they care, the only thing that floods back is all of the people who tell me that all the time and then leave
04/24 [11:23] bblboy54: and I know its easy to say stuff you don't mean... it's harder to put those words into action
04/24 [11:24] bblboy54: and, to me, especially in those moments, its hard to believe what is said to me because there are no actions that follow what that person says
04/24 [11:24] bblboy54: But all of this helps me to develop a better understanding of many things in the future
04/24 [11:25] bblboy54: ways to relate to people.... ways to compare how I feel to how others feel.... and how I can help someone else
04/24 [11:25] bblboy54: But one thing that I know is true
04/24 [11:25] bblboy54: when I find that special girl that really can deal with the strangeness that is me, I know that girl loves me
04/24 [11:25] bblboy54: and I will find her.....
04/24 [11:26] bblboy54: its really hard to have so many people give up on me.... and that's not my imagination... people DO give up on me
04/24 [11:26] bblboy54: and I don't blame them because I am tough to deal with
04/24 [11:26] bblboy54: but I am who I am... and I'm glad that I am who I am
04/24 [11:26] bblboy54: and I'm glad because I know I kind of have a built in filter that people who truly don't care about me kind of just dissappear on their own :)
04/24 [11:27] bblboy54: while that hurts that they disappear, at least I know that those who stick by me truly are friends
04/24 [11:27] bblboy54: God has something planned for me
04/24 [11:27] bblboy54: something great.....
04/24 [11:27] bblboy54: and I don't know exactly what it is
04/24 [11:28] bblboy54: but I know its going to thrive on all of these struggles that I have had and probably will continue to have

... and a little about depression in general

04/24 [11:35] bblboy54: the thing is that people sort of stereo-type depressed people
04/24 [11:35] bblboy54: and im sure this is something that you have experienced
04/24 [11:35] bblboy54: for the normal human being, it's "hey, just snap out of it ... look at all the good that you have"
04/24 [11:35] bblboy54: they can not comprehend how a depressed person's brain is working
04/24 [11:35] bblboy54: have they experienced aspects of what I am feeling, sure....
04/24 [11:36] bblboy54: but do they know exactly how I am feeling..... no
04/24 [11:36] bblboy54: and one reason for this is that God created each one of us unique
04/24 [11:36] bblboy54: when someone tells me that they know how I feel, the truth is that they don't.....
04/24 [11:37] bblboy54: and even if it is coming from someone else that struggles with depression, its rare that its heart felt and its not taken the way it should be when I am depressed
04/24 [11:37] bblboy54: and it only frustrates the person telling it to me
04/24 [11:37] bblboy54: no one has the exact mix of feelings at the same time.... and that is something that everyone needs to understand.....
04/24 [11:38] bblboy54: when someone is depressed, they CAN'T fix the problem.... that's what they need to know first
04/24 [11:38] bblboy54: it's not possible.... the logical stuff will not work
04/24 [11:38] bblboy54: whats needed is a friend.... someone who will listen to
04/24 [11:38] bblboy54: quite honestly, the best words you can say to someone who is really depressed is "that sucks"
04/24 [11:39] bblboy54: or, at least for me, invite me to do something..... distract me from the problems.... don't convince me that they arent problems

... I also would like to say if anyone has not seen the movie "Prozac Nation" they really need to go rent it.... especially now that it is out on DVD. I think it's really important that people catch a glimpse of the mind of a depressed person and this movie shows it very well.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Why can't I just be perfect like everyone wants me to be? :(

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Sunday, April 23, 2006

I really dont think anyone cares about me anymore.... I really dont. So I was supposed to hang out with a friend tonight.... just about the only friend that I sort of have left.... and, well.... yea, no sign.... Stuck at home again.... bored again....

I cant understand why I keep having faith in people that they are going to keep their word.... people break it all the time and yet I decide that I'll trust again... and again.... and again..... why cant I just learn that people never say what they mean to me? Then I've got people that get upset the few times that I dont believe them.... how am I supposed to?

I'm really feeling crappy emotionally right now.... and its the time where I would like to really talk to someone.... but I dont have anyone.....

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

She lost her love, tore the picture of the one she thought of
She's alone again but it's worse than it's never been
She hurts so bad down and out,
she feels the pain of a broken heart
She hurts so bad
she feels the pain of a broken heart

The black rain falls,
the river runs red
Like a crown of thorns
to my head

She holds the cross in her hand
but she feels so could and lost
Take a look inside, nowhere to run,
no place to hide
She never told a lie,
put her faith in love,
never compromised
She had a heavy gun
but she tied her strings,
she never come undone

"Thorns" by Bride

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Ok, I just want to share a little bit of drama with you.... This is the reason why I now have a Cingular phone... and Thank God that I do beacuse otherwise, I wouldnt have a phone at all right now.

So months ago everyone I talked to complained that they could not hear me.... within the last month and a half, I had people hanging up when I called them because they could not hear me at all. My Treo 650 was still under warranty so since my problem becomes Verizon's problem on the first call, this shouldnt have been any issue, right? Wrong.... I called customer service and they told me that I needed to go to a store.... previously when I had issues with a smart phone, I knew that the stores did handle issues with any type of data product... I brought this up to the rep and was still told to go to the store. So I ended that call and called back a half hour later.... only to get the same story. So ok, I'm wrong and they changed something... I drive to the store to be told that they cant do anything because I have a data phone.... ok, no shocker there.... the CSR there basically accuses me of lying about the problems I have been having with my phone and I mentioned this to him and he kind of changed the subject and called data support from there.... so here I am at the store and away from my computer and the data rep wants me to do a hard reset of my phone which will clear all of my data.... whatever, I dont care at this point... I just want to get a phone that works. I clear all data on my phone and he says to try it now.... so I did for the next few days and, how about that... same issues.... I knew this was going to happen because I told him that I did a hard reset before... but I'm apparently not capable of doing this the correct way. So I call data support back.... after 2 months of trying to iron out this issue for a phone that is UNDER WARRANTY, they decide they can replace the phone for me. So Thursday I receive my replacement phone... I open it up only to find that it is a Treo 600 and not a 650... there are huge differences here and they include that they dont use an external battery nor do they use the same charger as a 650.... so I have no way to charge this phone or do anything with it at all. I call Verizon back, give them the order number, and they apologize and say that the only person that can issue another replacement is the same person that issued this order.... you've got to be kidding me, right? Whatever, I call this guy and of course he isnt at his desk... I leave a message and as of today, I had no call back from him. So I call customer service again... explain what has been going on... they apologize (i love how they keep apologizing but dont take care of anything).... so the rep tells me that they did send another phone out to me on Friday... great... glad you told me. She says to hold on a second because she wants to verify some things just to make sure. A few mins later she gets back on the phone to tell me that the phone that they shipped out to me on Friday was ALSO a Treo 600.... So I'm sending a Treo 600 back now... I'm getting another Treo 600 tomorrow that I need to send back again and then they say they will send me a Treo 650.... I'm honestly not holding my breath.... and in all of this, they finally decided to give me a $25 credit.... excellent... I get $25 off my bill for not having a useable phone for 3 weeks.... so generous, right?

I'm definately porting my number to my cingular phone at the end of the month.... no doubt about it.... and honestly, if EVDO wasnt such a better protocol for data than GSM/EDGE, I would be canceling my PCMCIA card with Verizon as well.... Sure, Verizon does have the best network and great coverage.... but their customer service sucks... and if someone is not willing to stand behind their product, I could care less how good it is. I hope to God I dont have any issues with my PCMCIA card because I dont want to have to deal with them again... It's insane!!!!!

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

I hate missing church :(
I was not feeling well last night at all.... couldnt sleep... so I took some medicine and apparently that didnt do much for me waking up on time.....

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

So some may have noticed that Tiff has been on my mind a little more recently.... I'm sure some think that means that I want to go back to her.... First of all... no.... second of all.... no ..... third of all, there is no evidence that she would want to be with me again anyway.... there is only evidence that she is happy with me being unhappy....

But why is she on my mind? Well, since all of the crap happened in the whole Tiff situation, there has been something that I have been struggling with. Simply put, I am questioning why she was even in my life... I always do my best to look at the positives in everything and realize that the bad happens to produce good... in the case of Tiff, I feel like that whole scenario is the one thing in my life that did nothing good.... In my life, I have a few really good memories of those times but they dont come even close to justifying all of the pain I have lived with because of what happened.

Tonight I have really been thinking about something tho. A few good memories may have the answer to why the whole thing occured. I posted one of those last week about when I talked Tiff into going on Top Thrill Dragster.... She was scared to death but I pushed her to try it... and she enjoyed it... Same is true with when I took her skiing.... she didnt want to do it, but I pushed her to do it... and she enjoyed it.... Though there are also other things that I really felt that Tiff should do, I never did accomplish showing her the great things had she done them.... doesnt really even mean they were for her.... The thing is tho.... the entire Tiff thing... well, I guess I really didnt take much (if anything) from that relationship... but maybe I just need to try to sit back and think that maybe, somehow, someway.... just maybe I made a tiny little impact to help her become a better person.... and in some ways, I wish I could still help her.... but she is extremely against taking help from anyone. I've even talked with some other friends of hers and its the same story.... Tiff never asks for help, accepts help, or even mentions anything that she needs with the fear that someone might try to help her with it.... but maybe, somewhere, I did help her... I dont know.... maybe this is just me trying to justify the reason why I stuck with Tiff for so long.... Because looking back, I think that if I regret anything, it probably was staying with her for so long....

So no, I have no intentions of going back with Tiff... actually... I have no intentions of even communicating with Tiff.... A few nights ago I sent her an email... it really was a bad mistake.... And of course I never received a response.... its like she's fine just knowing that I'm thinking of her because in her twisted reality, she thinks that things are just going to change without her doing anything about them..... Truth be told, I dont think I could even trust Tiff if we were in a relationship again.... But, one belief of mine is to never say never.... so I can't say that it will never happen... I dont know what God has in store.... For me to be with Tiff again, it would take her making some drastic moves that I know she will never even come close to taking without some divine power.... So for those who started to think that I have been working towards dating Tiff again, you're wrong. One email I sent her and no response.... I dont see it happening and right now, I dont want it to happen. I'm sure there is a perfect girl down here in VA for me that has the same beliefs as I do... the beliefs that helping people and being helped are very important aspects of life... and that honesty is always the best policy... Someone who puts family above career and loyalty above that.

I'll find her someday... God will show me who she is.... and I look forward to that day coming soon.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

So the Bush administration is pushing more for the mandatory data retention. All of our privacy is slowly being taken away from us and everyone is standing by and letting it happen because they are "thinking of the children" ... Again, I re-iterate that child porn is sick and wrong and it is illegal and should be prosecuted, however, the laws that are supposed to be for this purpose really aren't at all. Here is a post I read on slashdot that makes some very very good points:

The thing about this is, these figures are absolutely empty. The "1 in 5 children is solicited online" thing gets me particularly. I would really like to know what they count a solicited. Anyone who uses AIM or Yahoo chatrooms (can't speak for the MSN chatrooms, but I would assume it is common in those as well) and to a lesser extent, IRC has experienced bots that automatically solicit people- usually trying to trick people into pay porn sites or to the peronsons personal escort service. If they are counting this as solicitation (and it seems the most likely way that they would get the 1-in-5 figure) then it's really not nearly as much of a danger as they are making it seem. If a parent has properly configured their network connection, the vast majority of sites that spambots in chatrooms would send children to would be blocked anyway; and it's not as though there is an actual person on the other end who is actively trying to lure a child into meeting for a sexual encounter.
Furthermore, I wonder if they cound instances of flirtation where the adult ceases communication with the child if/when they become away that the person with whom they are talking is a child. Once again, this isn't a case of an adult actively conspiring to lure a child to them in order to commit sexual acts- but both instances could be used to support the 1-in-5 statistic.
One thing that gets me too is, they are talking about cracking down on child porn, but in my experience this isn't really the case. Last year someone on a newsgroup I was on (this wasn't a pornographic newsgroup, but the person who posted it was someone I had seen post before, I can only assume that they must have posted to the wrong newsgroup or something) posted bunch of child porn photos. When I saw it I got all of the relevant information I could gather and called the local FBI office, and the local police department. Neither group even seemed interested in my call. The FBI told me to contact my ISP, my ISP told me to contact the local police, local police told me to contact the FBI- and after a day on the phone getting the runaround I ended up just posting the information I had to a child abuse pervention website and hoping that they could find the right people to talk to catch the guy.
No, instead of taking information that someone was trying to give them to catch a child pornographer, they want to log everyone's online activity. The thing is, logging all of that activity will do nothing to help catch child pornography. The amount of data would be such that it would still require someone to find and report the activity- and if someone can find it and report it, then there should be enough information already to catch the person.
This leads me to believe that the interest in logging all of this is in no way related to catching child pornographers. Instead it seems like the neo-cons are doing what they do best- brewing up an invisible boogeyman and using the threat of this boogeyman in order abridge the rights and privacy of the citizens. After all, if anyone tries to stand up against it, then they "are just a prevert who doesn't care about exploited children being used for sex and porography"- the same as with the patriot act and anyone who opposed it being "a commie american hating terrorist".

This post was made by miyako at

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Saturday, April 22, 2006

"Alot of people think they're crazy. But in that craziness, we see genuis"
-- Steve Jobs, CEO Pixar - MacWorld 1997, Boston

Its amazing sometimes how certain thing can get you in a position where you realize things that you never thought were possible. Recently, to me, I have been amazed at the power behind the Apple name. I am even more amazed at the genuis behind Steve Jobs. Aside from my technical research recently, I have really been focused on risks and how risks can pay off.

Steve Jobs has done some amazing things and alot of those things have occured because of some incredibly insane stands that he took. Things that were not popular were the things that he did and in the past 5-10 years, he has completely turned Apple around into a healthy company again. While I have never been against Apple and against Steve Jobs, it never was a lead thought in my mind. I have never recommended an Apple product to anyone.... until just recently.

I have basically taken over the majority of the IT stuff at my church. One thing about my church is they are very creative. Video production and publishing are HUGE parts of the core of New Life. Recently staff members have been tossing around ideas of where things should go.... and if I've ever said something that I shocked myself with, it was when I recommended that New Life look into converting to Macintosh for the creative side of things. While I think the PC architecture is still paramount for the business and operations ends of New Life, Apple brings alot of new power to the creative department. So a little over a month ago, I made my first recommendation to anyone to buy Macintosh. This also is around the same time that I started researching streaming audio solutions for doing web broadcasts of our sermons and videos and came to the conclusion that Apple Darwin Streaming Server meets the needs more than any other platform.

Of course, when you make a decission to recommend something that you really dont know much about, that is always a good time to play catch up so you can live up to your word. That is something that I have been recently doing... and I have been amazed at the things Apple has done... I'm amazed at the areas that Apple has some huge market shares in that the company goes completely un-noticed. They are even more of a forefront in creative content than I ever dreamed.... and after looking into technical items as well as the business items, I have come to the conclusion that Steve Jobs would be a great role model for anyone. Someone who is not affraid to take huge risks and then work until he reaps the benefits of those risks. In 1997 he did something that no one would have ever saw coming... something that I think really pissed alot of people off... but at the same time, Steve accomplished the things that he wanted to in the long run. At MacWorld in 1997, Steve Jobs announced a partnership with Microsoft. Through the presentation he was booed multiple times but he was very stern with the Apple community that it wasnt about Microsoft vs. Apple but it was about Apple being better. Here in 2006 he has accomplished what he wanted to. He knew what he was doing... and he stood for it and executed it well, even tho he risked losing the majority of the Apple followers. And here in 2006, I am looking at Apple in a new light because of some very drastic changes that Steve decided to make. I am not, nor will I probably ever be, a fan of, Microsoft but sometimes doing things that you arent comfortable with are the things that will make you grow in the long run. These are lessons that can be used outside of the tech industry and applied directly to life.

So, my hat goes off to Steve Jobs. He is an amazing person who always seems to get the job done. We're still researching the possibility of moving to Apple at my church but so far, it's looking good.... but if nothing else, my eyes have been opened and I can certainly see the possibility of me becomming more of an Apple fan. Of course, Linux is my heart and soul right now but with OSX being *NIX based, what better compliment to Linux is there?

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Here's where I should be moving to in a couple of weeks if all goes ok:

University Heights

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Friday, April 21, 2006

Well, the Leesburg option didnt work out quite as well.... The official decission is moving to Ashburn. Me and a couple of guys from a company I have been working with are going to get a 3 bedroom. It's only about 5 mins from the data center (when they decide to finally open Loudon County Parkway) and its alot closer to the church office than Leesburg..... well, it's alot closer to everything than Leesburg :) We put out applications in and a holding deposit... as long as all goes ok with the paperwork, I'll start moving in a week or so.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Northern Virginia + Bicycles and mopeds = India

Driving in India

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

I'm going to write a new book called "101 Ways to Piss off an LSI Logic SCSI Controller" ... this will be shortly followed by the sequel "202 Ways an LSI Logic Controller Will Piss You Off"

This rates up there as one of the longer nights in history for me.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Yaknow what.... I dont want to hear from ANYONE that they will always be there for me.... Its so much easier to give up on me than to deal with me.... so I can't put faith in anyone telling me that they will never leave me anymore....

You might say I have given up all hope on people....

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Is there someone out there running a contest to see who can play the worst mind games with me? So many people do it... and do it well. And then there is me, randomly decide to send Tiff an email last night.... whats wrong with me? I'm going to become a monk or something....

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way to fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, oh

"Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

The TV-advert enforcer

I love it when a really good company does something utterly stupid to give me a really good reason to quit buying their products. Strange how I DONT see any more Phillips or Magnavox products being purchased by me in the future.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Sometimes I wonder if I annoy people or if I really make an impact on people's lives. My goal in life (aside from the husband/father thing) is to help as many people as I can. I really want to make a positive impact on people's lives.... whether I get anything in return or not. But sometimes I wonder if I am helping. Sometimes I wonder if the times people say I'm doing great things are just things said to not hurt my feelings or because I am doing great things.

I dont really understand why God has chose for me to follow this journey on my own. Sometimes I wish I had someone in the same way that Moses as Aaron... but this is a journey that I am on my own in for some reason and if it be God's will, then its ok with me. But it would be nice to have someone working with me.... Someone who was there to encourage me.

It's hard with these lonely feelings that I feel. I often wish that I had that special girl in my life.... someone to just relax and cuddle up with. Whatever reason, God doesnt feel thats a need in my life right now -- so I accept. But I do wish that it wasnt the case. There have been alot of memories that have been left in the past.... And recently there is one memory that keeps coming back to my mind.... and this is probably the most insignificant thing to anyone else but it means more to me than anything else that has ever happened in my life. A few years ago Tiff and I went to Cedar Point. This was the year that Top Thrill Dragster opened. Tiff was scared to death to go on it but I convinced her that she should.... after the ride as we were returning to the station, she grabbed my hand. And as I sit here typing about it, I'm getting tears in my eyes. I dont understand why that meant so much to me or why it has been popping into my head so frequently.... but I guess thats what I'm looking for.... someone to grab my hand and not have to say any words to let me know that they care. Grab my hand to say "thank you" or grab my hand to say "you mean alot to me"..... Someday I guess.... for now, I'll just keep fighting for making things better in every area I work in.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

So I got my Cingular 8125 today.... Yes, I bought a phone that runs Windows.... the scary part is that so far, I like it better than PalmOS. We'll see how that remains tho.

I found a very nice program that I am working on implementing. I give credit where credit is due... so far, Microsoft hasnt done a bad job at Windows Mobile 5.0 but I will still say that they totally screwed up Outlook... Anyway, I'm not about to leave Thunderbird just because I have a Windows cell phone. After searching the web for a while, I found this handy utility:


If you have a Windows based smartphone or PocketPC and you use Mozilla products, you'll want to check this out.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Get a hold of yourself
Try and figure it out...figure it out
There's a way to escape
But the choices you make
Stand in the way

So they say that it's the only way
But now you know how I feel about it

And i can't escape
The way you feel
'Cause it's the way i feel
And it's surreal

Take a look at yourself
Are you wondering how
It's gonna work out?
And there's a way to escape
What you think is your fate
But you say it's too late

And i can't escape the way you feel
'Cause it's the way i feel
And it's surreal
And i cannot change
The way it is
'Cause it's the life that you live
And it's so real
I'm missing you still

I have felt so far from home here
Don't want to stir the waters
Of a restless soul
I'll learn to let this go

There's a way to escape
What you think is your fate
It's never too late

"The Way I Feel" by Sanctus Real

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Happy Easter!

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Saturday, April 15, 2006

The moon, so full, shines
In this glorious night
I wish that I would die

This feelings of loneliness
An undescribible pain
Can't tell from where it comes

Why am I like this?
Why do I feel like this?

I was just laughing
I was just happy
But now I wish I was never born

I´m dying by little...

The words are missing
So many and so intense
Are the sensations
I end up losing,
Iluding, tormenting
However, never saving myself...

I´m dying by little...
Please save me.

"I'm dying by little" by Trinnity

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

I dont know what to do.... I'm not well emotionally. I am happy with my current job situation and stuff but in a social enviornment, I'm a wreck.... and its affecting my overall state of mind. I really have not slept more than 4 hours any night this whole week.... if I go to bed early, I get up early.... and vice versa.... I just cant sleep.... I cant fall asleep and when I do fall asleep, I wake up only a few hours later. I've been having moments of just wanting to burst into tears.... and in some cases, I have. I cant define it at all.... I dont know whats going on but I dont like it. I've been trying to just ignore this.... trying to just write it off as not being much of anything... but I've been lying to myself. I'm really not well.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

If you have never seen the movie "Benchwarmers" .... GO NOW! Great movie!

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Ok, so my friends dropped off the face of the earth I guess..... I dont understand it. Oh well, I guess.

Anyway, my sisters are down from PA and last night we went to the Billy Joel concert at the Verizon Center in Washington DC. It was an awesome time. It was especially fun trying to figure out how to get out of DC... but it was all good times. We're probably going to go see a movie a little later. I wanted to ask some of my friends to go with us but I cant find any of them.... not returning emails or IMs, etc, etc.... it sucks because I kinda wish I could introduce them to my sisters but I guess it doesnt much matter....

Oh, and one last gripe.... Why do so many people think that I cant be happy with the money that I am making? Sure, I can find a job for almost double what I'm making.... but I'm able to do the things that I want to do right now... I'm not interested in more money right now. Life is not all about money... and I know that I live in the wrong area to be saying that but its really the way I feel. As long as I can pay my bills and be able to have a little bit for a few toys and to do stuff, I'm happy.... I dont need to fill my life up with tons and tons of toys.... actually, truth is that no matter how much money I make, if that was my goal, it would always be to make more money.... so if you have the attitude that you need more money to be happy, then you will never be happy because you will always need more money. Sure, having money is a nice thing but its not essential for happiness.... in fact, in so many cases I think its the opposite. So basically, I am happy.... quit trying to force me into jobs that pay more when I know they will only prevent me from doing what makes me happy.....

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Friday, April 14, 2006

Billy Joel is down there... I swear! :)

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(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

I'm actually getting to the point where I'd like to see Bush impeached.... and its not over this war on Iraq.... actually, I think that Bush knows the war is stupid at this point but he also knows that it is accomplishing exactly what he wants to.... He is keeping out eyes off of what is really going to harm our country. Not many people are paying attention to the laws the Bush administration is working on that is completely stripping us of our rights and our privacy.... Today was a very good example of how we're really starting to progress toward communism.

First, China announces that it is illegal to run your own mail server. Running your own mail server means that you are in full control of the data you send and receive. Taking that right away means that China can very closely control all data coming in and out of China. Story Here. The biggest reason this move is horrible for pricavy is because of data retention. If you run your own email server, you are in control of what you keep and dont keep. If an ISP runs your email server then that ISP has control of what is kept, deleted, read, forwarded, etc. Maybe not a huge issue to you and me but across the board, this is a very dangerous thing.

So, how does this relate to the USA headed to communism? Well, Bush and his administration are working on a new law. It's not going to ban you running your own email server but if you do, it will hold you under unreasonable laws. Basically, it will be illegal to delete your email. Story Here

Here is one big problem that is allowing this to get support. First of all, there is the fact that Bush is doing a horrible job at the Iraq war.... but I think he may be doing that intentionally because it keeps our eyes off of things like these laws that violate our privacy. The thing is, he has also built in a protection for those who do take their eyes off of the war and see what is going on..... He is doing this in the name of eliminating child pornography. Not that that's wrong.... but if you read that link above, I'm sure most of you got fired up and became furious at the child pornographers that get away with things and as a result, you begin supporting the ideas of email retention and things that would help cut back.... but Bush wins... we all support the law, the law goes into effect, and all of a sudden, they arent just reading emails from pornographers.... they are reading the email you send to your mom, your girlfriend, sister, etc.... And the worst thing is, when your friend is arrested for something that you said jokingly to them in an email, it was YOU that supported the law letting that happen.

Child pornography is sick, disgusting, and wrong.... and nothing should protect it.... however, once these laws are passed and in effect, who will protect us? The FBI and other agencies have prosecuted alot of pornographers and maybe some slip by.... do you think that some still won't slip by? Ask yourself this question.... would you allow someone to put a camera in your bedroom where you and your wife sleep together? You got nothing to hide, right? Would you let them watch you have sex because you have nothing to hide?

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

You know nothin's gettin' done when talk is all you hear
Like someone revvin' up a truck never put in gear
But you don't see a cowboy run his mouth and strut around
He just takes the bull by the horns and throws him to the ground
Takin' care of business not just puttin' on a show
When it gets down to it, everybody knows

It ain't the smoke, it's the fire that gets the burnin' done
If it wasn't for the bullet, nobody'd fear the gun
It ain't the bark, it ain't the growl, it's the bite that hurts
Thunder's just a noise, boys, lightnin' does the work

You can talk about the farm or you can plow the ground
Argue with a rusty nail or hammer it on down
You can stand there in the dark cussin' at the night
Or you can just reach out your hand and turn on the light
There ain't no limit in this life to how far you can get
But if you're goin' all the way you gotta break a sweat

It ain't the smoke, it's the fire that gets the burnin' done
If it wasn't for the bullet, nobody'd fear the gun
It ain't the bark, it ain't the growl, it's the bite that hurts
Thunder's just a noise, boys, lightnin' does the work

I've heard thunder talkin' up a storm
Rattlin' my windows and knockin' on my door
But I've seen lightnin' blow a cypress tree in half
The thunder's busy talkin', and lightnin's kickin'

It ain't the smoke, it's the fire that gets the burnin' done
If it wasn't for the bullet, nobody'd fear the gun
It ain't the bark, it ain't the growl, it's the bite that hurts
Thunder's just a noise, boys, lightnin' does the work
Thunder's just a noise, boys, lightnin' does the work

"Lightning Does the Work" by Chad Brock

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

I'm such a freaking slacker..... I was gonna clean my room tonight and.... yea, that didnt happen. In honor of this, I give you the PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED:

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Its amazing what awesome weather and a true friend can do in your life..... I'm feeling really good tonight. It was a beautiful day and Robin and I went for a walk in Ashburn.... it feels so good to be able to just talk to someone that you know is listening.... Friendship is such an awesome thing.... and of course the weather really helps me too....

What a great night! Maybe I'll actually be able to sleep tonight unlike the last few nights.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

"You don't get it, do you? This is America. The land of the stupid measurements. Where there's 12 inches to a foot, 3 feet to a yard, 1760 yards to the mile, 16 ounces to a pound, 2000 pounds to the short ton and getting 543816 votes more than your opponent means you lose an election."
-- darkitecture

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

This weekend someone actually told me I was hot.... and I honestly didnt know how to respond to it. The more I thought about it, that was absolutely the first time that anyone told me that I was hot.... And I can count on my fingers the number of times someone told me I was cute (well, coming from a girl my age - not counting grandparents and such). Added to that, I have never been just randomly told that I was cute or attractive or anything.... the only times that I had been told that was when it was prompted by something... Such as me telling someone that they were cute, etc.... It's really been hard for me with all of this recently... friends seemingly dissappearing out of my life.... the lonliness is creeping back and its happening at the same time that I'm, again, lacking things to do.... and not so much things to do, but people to do them with. I really have to be around people.... but the problem is, it seems no one wants to be around me -- unless they need something. When someone has a computer problem or question, they are my friend.... they go out of their way to get in contact with me... but if its hanging out with me or whatever, there is always an excuse. I often have to wonder what it is about me.... I'm apparently not an attractive person.... I mean, its not that big of a deal... God made me who I am and I'm proud of who I am.... but what is it about me that makes me this lonely person that no one really wants to be around? The worst part is I know I'll get responses to this post.... people will say they love being around me.... they think im cute, etc, etc.... but it wont be from the heart. If you like being around me, stop telling me it and actually be around me.... I really enjoy serving people.... I enjoy helping people more than anyone can imagine... So many times, I go out of my way and sacrifice something that I wanted to do in order to help someone.... this is fine with me... it was my decission.... but it is hard when the slightest little thing is more important than me. I'm not expecting to be anyone's top priority... I'm not even expecting to be high on the list... I just wish I was on the list.

I dont think anyone noticed but last night as I was sitting in life group, my eyes just filled up with tears. It was the first time that I was on the verge of crying... and I dont know what prompted it while I was there but I was just feeling so alone.... I kept thinking of all the people that just turn their backs on me and dissappeared.... Why? What did I do so wrong? After I dropped Robin off last night and was on my way back to the data center, my eyes filled up with tears again. I dont understand why people cant be honest with me.... You dont have to tell me I'm attractive because there is apparently only a few people that would ever think that.... and I havent met any such person... at least not face to face. Dont tell me I'm attractive if you dont think so... but dont try to humor me... just flat out tell me. Be honest.... Maybe I'm not attractive but there isnt anything I can do about it... and maybe someday I'll find a girl that will look more towards my insides than my outside appearance. But then again, am I any better internally? If I was a great person internally, that should mean I would have more friends that want to be around me, right? I just dont understand it.... And this is really painful for me.... it has been for a while....

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

The table of equivalents / replacements / analogs of Windows software in Linux. (Official site of the table)

Anyone looking to convert fully to Linux (like I plan to someday), here is a very useful site.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Lots of stuff going on with me right now.... and a sense of emptiness I am experiencing right now. Kinda wish I had a de-crapifier.... which, by the way, if you've bought a Dell, you're in luck with this sort of thing.

The Dell De-Crapifier

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

I cant do anything but laugh at this.... My dad just called and told me that someone stole the roof off my Samurai..... *rolls eyes*

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

It's pretty amazing to me, at least in some ways, the emphasis on money to judge someone's success. I see this even more so now that I live in Northern VA.

To me, money is a need to live but it is nothing more than that. God can and will provide for my needs.... above and beyond our needs, He promised to bless those that love Him.... Even within the church, people still seem to believe that this blessing will always (or should always) be in the form of money.... but there is nothing that supports this idea.

Recently there has been a lot dumped on me by people telling me that I am not applying myself. People telling me that I have more potential and I could really excel in many areas of technology. Sure, this may be true.... but what does it mean to excel? This is where the incredible difference comes into play. My idea of exceling is accomplishing my goals, including the goal of helping others. My salary does not reflect on me exceling. In fact, my salary really means nothing to me other than whether I am able to live or not. I know I could be making more.... I knew that only a few months after starting at Carpathia. Only 7 months after starting at Carpathia I was flown to Texas for an interview with Dell. Those interviews went incredibly well and it was for a job that I would have really enjoyed. Dell went into a hiring freeze but was told that they definately wanted to hire me.... later, I dropped the pursuit of that job. I'm stupid, right? That depends on what logic you judge me by. By that point in my life I had begun being involved more and more in my church. The things that I was doing for New Life were important to me (even back then I really wasnt doing THAT much -- nothing like now, anyway). I had to really question what was important to me. I chose to be a part of New Life and not move away. Also at that time, there weren't any issues with Carpathia and I really enjoyed my job there. It seemed that I was appriciated there even tho my pay was not even near what the market value was. It didnt matter to me. I was able to accomplish things that I want to accomplish -- I was able to server God in ways that I would not have been able to had I accepted any of the higher paying jobs that were on the table. Recently, the same has occured even with working at MFC.... But working at MFC is awesome because of the freedom that I have in scheduling.... I can be at my church's office when I'm needed. I can really take time to focus on the things that are important to me.... taking the ideal job for most people would be a failure on my part. Working 9-5 would destroy my ability to do the work at New Life and this isnt an option. This is why I turned down the job that was offered to me that almost doubled my salary. Stupid, right? Again -- depends on your logic and how you judge success. To me, I am proud of the decissions that I have made and I believe that I am happier where I am now than if I accepted a job making $70k.

The other thing that has recently been happening is this issue of moving again. I end up in this situation where Keith wants to move to Gainesville but its really too far away from me and it would raise my costs. Could I afford it? Probably.... but there are issues.... if there is a long commute for me, that means less that I can actually be working in a day. My response times for both MFC and New Life would be decreased. Costs would go up not only for rent but also for my gas tank. I've decided that I need to stay in the Herndon/Sterling/Dulles area. Combine this with the above paragraph and a money issue arises. I need to be able to afford my own place now.... Ok, so I screwed up, right? Well, yea, you guessed it -- what logic are you using? Staying in this area means being able to do more things that God wants me to do... and in that, He will provide.... and already He has opened a huge door. I have an option of moving back to the Leesburg area and renting off of a family. My rent will go down. It is a little more of a drive for me than Herndon but its not Gainesville and the extra costs in gas are made up and then some by the lower rent. It's not officially decided what is going to happen at this point but the evidence of God opening a door is there. Even if Keith and I would decide this week to stay in Herndon, I have seen the faithfulness of God.

Bottom line is I am happy where I am at. There isnt anything wrong with $100k salaries... and I'm human and would certainly enjoy having a salary like that. But with higher salaries come additional costs. In my case, so far, the cost has been limiting me with my visions, my goals, and my desire to serve God. This is not a cost that I can accept and in making a change like that would certainly reduce my happiness -- even tho the natural human logic says I would be happier with more money. Happiness and success should not be based on how much someone makes. Happiness is something deeper than any shallow human situation. Success is something that is only in the eye of the beholder. I dont care if I am viewed as successful. What people think of me is becomming less and less important to me. To me, I will strive to do my best but I will not measure "my best" on how much money I make. I may not be the role model Christian.... I may not be a role model anything.... but I am doing my best and striving to be better. It's my hope that this is what my friends, family, etc would judge my success on.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Well, it *currently* looks like I may be moving back to the Leesburg area..... Nothing official yet, but it looks like I have a really really good option up there.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.
--Scott Adams

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Friday, April 07, 2006

We're going to Cirque Du Soleil: Delirium! I just ordered the tickets and got good seats! We're in C10 Row E at the Mellon Arena. Here is the seating chart and a picture from the point of view of our seats :)

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

I just logged into myspace and found a comment that a good friend of mine left yesterday. After feeling the way I have been this really gave me a huge boost as well as the email I got from DC (the business guy at our church) just a half hour ago. It's nice to know that people do see some good in you when it seems like your always criticized.... I dont do things "the normal way" and I get attacked for it alot. Things like this are refreshing.

hey, was just thinking about you and was wanting to tell you I really thought you did some cool things that I respected, like sharing some thoughts on homosexuals, which some Christians have some major issues with sometimes, and that you hugged me and others (I think we have a major defiecincy of affection in NOVA), and mainly just your attitude this week, you have just seemed others focused, able to be very good natured, and fun to be around. It was just encouarging. I know you have been strugggling up and down a lot lately, and often it might not make sense. God never promises that (Is.55). But I know God has the best for you and wants to bless you in many ways. And He has already so much, fo you to share with others. Thanks for sharing some of your thoughts and smiles with me and our friends this week.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Thursday, April 06, 2006

This has officially been one hell of a scary week for tech.... It's almost like April Fools continues through the week but these stories are true....

I dont even want to know what's next.....

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

I think Verizon Wireless may be getting the boot. Ill definately keep my EVDO card because the technology is superior but their customer service is starting to suck hardcore. Anyone have any good or bad stories about Cingular?

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

So the huge decission I am facing is having to move again.... or, basically where to move to. Keith is looking at houses in the Gainesville area.... while it is definately a possibility to rent a room off of him, it puts me further away from the things that I do in Ashburn, Chantilly, Sterling..... When I moved from Leesburg to Herndon, I saved alot of money just in gas because of being right in the middle of everything I do. The problem is, real estate costs have only gone up so moving back into a one-bedroom may not even be a possibility. It doesnt make sense to move to Gainesville.... but yet it doesnt make sense to stay here.... so I really dont know what to do... Please keep this in your prayers.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Well, I did it again..... slept like 14 hours or something like that. Boy did I need it tho.....

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Looks like I've got a new really tough decission to make..... More details later.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Health Problems Related to the Geek Lifestyle
Please note that as of this blog post, this site is being affected by the slashdot effect. If you get an error trying to get the site, just keep trying.

This article makes some pretty good points.... one of my favorite quotes is:
"The typical geek trains their brain to be heavily focused while multitasking day after day. Is it surprising that this same brain does not do well when forced to isolate down to one task?"

Maybe this is why its harder to get me on the phone than by email.... actually, I know it is. I'm so used to doing more than one thing at a time that picking up the phone keeps me from being productive in multiple other projects that I am working on.....

*sigh* ... Maybe sometime the real humans will understand us geeks......

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Why, oh WHY! .... Why can't people realize that its better to try to email me or IM me than call me.... I understand that everyone thinks the phone is the fastest way of communication but its not for me.....

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

I just got a call from my mom. She told me my uncle has to have immediate
surgery (next couple days). I guess they found a mass in his colon and
they are pretty sure its cancer.
If everyone could keep him in your prayers, I would really appreciate it.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Sometimes I really have to sit back and wonder about the emotional experiences that I go through. A girl that works at New Life has been reading a book (the name of it slips me right now) and she was explaining it to us once at lunch. The idea behind this book is that every single person on the face of the earth experiences exactly the same amount of pressure. What is different between each person is how we respond to it and how we relay it to others. It's based on our personality and not so much our experiences. This is at least how I remember her explaining it.... but either way, that thought has merit in my opinion. But I still question why I experience the things that I do.

To answer that question I think means going to Heaven and just asking God to His face. As a human, I dont believe we posses the ability to understand this logic... at least not fully. It seems like there is a fine line drawn between what comes about per "chance" and what comes about because of our actions. I was thinking about my emotional struggles tonight and I surprisingly thought of Paul. Paul questioned himself many times. Paul was a role model sinner, if you will. One of the greatest things he questioned about himself is why he goes on doing the things that he doesnt want to do and vice versa. This is a key to the Christian life because we are supernatural beings inside of a carnal body. There is a constant struggle for everyone, I believe.

Here's the thing I have really been pondering. Can Paul's question of what he does and doesnt do inside the physical realm also apply to what we feel in our emotions? I have this idea of who I should be and how I should act. But it's not always the way I act. How should I respond to people.... How should I respond to anything? I know one thing for certain is that I really dont want to paint a picture that I am some super person for certain things that I do. I dont think I'm doing anything incredible.... nothing above and beyond what I am called to do and what I am supposed to do. Maybe I do alot related to item x and item y but those items are things that God has equipped me to do. Someone who is skilled with item a and item b may not realize how much they are doing in those items but they only see what I accomplish with x and y. It's been my prayer for a while that these emails and my blog would be testimonies to people that believe that I'm doing great things to realize that I'm not doing great things in comparison to what God has given every single person. I am doing the same thing that everyone else is capable of doing and may (should) already be doing.... just maybe in a different way. However, at the same time that I don't wnat to seem like a super person or that I'm doing anything great, it is really nice to hear compliments.... but then, how do I take those? I dont want to be better than anyone else.... but yet I want to be complimented them, which often causes me to feel better than someone else. Why do I think like this? How should I respond when someone compliments me on something that I have done for God? This picture may be a little dramatized, but I believe it's very close to what Paul was saying about the sins he kept commiting even tho he didnt want to. And maybe emotions arent sins but it seems very similar to the same principal. Additionally, it seems that this is the way we are made. We have a constant struggle against ourselves and if you think about it, that is a direct result of the fall of man. We were not created with the knowledge of good and evil but it was when we sinned that we gained this knowledge and, as a result, brought judgement on ourselves.

I often stuggle with the fact that so many of my friendships fall away and basically every one of my relationship end abruptly. Mentally, that is a hard thing to take. People tell me to not take it personally and they tell me that its not me.... but in science, you always look at the common denominator and that is me in this case. What am I doing wrong/different? Maybe the answer really is nothing.... Maybe it's that people dont understand me which is expected since I cant even understand myself.

All of us are in this struggle together. It may seem harder for me but I think, again, it really is the same for everyone. All of us just respond differently. It does seem like in today's society, the answer is always to run. When things get tough we just try to escape it instead of pressing on. Last night as I was falling asleep I heard a song on the radio that had lyrics that said if your going through hell you should just keep on going because maybe you'll get through it before the devil even knows your there. Maybe this is why in today's society we struggle so much..... when we start going through hell, we stop and just camp out. Maybe we're meant to struggle through things with people so that we can push each other and get out of the hell that we're in. Jesus Himself descended into hell to take the keys.... He had a purpose for being there and I think the "hell" that we go through serves a purpose as well. As humans, especially as Christians, we need to stop giving up and keep pushing. If your friend is having a hard emotional time, be there with them -- whether you understand it or not. Spend more time with them and maybe you'll understand a little more about what he/she is experiencing and when you go through the same thing you'll have a better understanding from the start. Maybe you really dont understand whats going on in your friend's mind.... Try to.... but dont act like you know.... just learn from the situation. When people are confused, they need to be around others. I think this is the way we were created. Many great heroes of the Old Testament had their counter-part. Moses and Aaron were a good example. What would have happened if Aaron didnt understand what "nonsense" Moses was talking about and just left him all alone? You never know when you are put in a position to not only help a friend, but save the world.

Don't give up on people! The entire book of Acts is a story of unity. Great things happened when people got together. All of us want to see more revival fall upon us, but yet we're not willing to make sacrifices to help our friends? I think this is something every single one of us is guilty of and I think it's something we need to change the most. Tonight at life group it was brought up that the measure of Christianity is love. It was even said in 1st Corinthians that the greatest of everything is Love. We need to stop giving up and start loving.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Monday, April 03, 2006

At some point maybe ill learn that God is taking care of me and He will continue to do so.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

How in this world
Can we put a man on the moon
And still have a need
For a place like St. Judes
And why is one man born
In a place where all they know is war
A guy like me,
Has always been free

And how can two people
Who built a loving home
Try for years
And never have a child of their own
And somewhere out there tonite
There is a baby no ones holding tight
In need of love
To me that don't add up

But I wasnt there you filled up the ocean
I didn't get to see you hang ths stars in the sky
So I do'nt mean to second guess you
Or criticize what I don't understand
These are just a few questions I have

And why did my cousin
Have to die in that crash
A good kid
Only seventeen
I still wonder 'bout that
It seems unfair to me
Some get the chance to chase their dreams
And some don't
What do I know

I wasn't there You filled up the ocean
I didn't get to see You hang the stars in the sky
So I don't mean to second guess You
Or criticize what I don't understand
These are just a few questions I have

Why do I feel like
You hear these prayers of mine
When so many outta be
Ahead of me in line
When you look down on me
Can you see the good through all the bad
These are just a few questions I had

"A Few Questions" by Clay Walker

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Something I need to work on.... It seems that when things fall into place and I have the PERFECT day, I get attacked that night or the next day and start feeling worthless.... when I start feeling like someone you can pretty much bet that within the next 24 hours, I'll feel completely worthless.... I'm trying hard but when you have the absolute perfect day and then something stares you in the face (in this case, financial stuff) -- well, I'm just not doing so well. It seems there is always something to remind me that I am still a complete failure, no matter if I do one thing right or not.

I guess I need to just get my butt to bed..... *sigh*

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Tonight was really great.... It's been a long time since I got to just hang out with someone and just relax.... especially being able to be myself too.... Robin and I were going to go see Ice Age 2 tonight but by time we get done eating and stuff it was getting to the point where she wouldnt get to bed in time so we ended up just going and walking for a bit on the trail. I also learned something that every person living in this area needs to know.... there actually is an Olive Garden in Sterling! :) Mmmm... breasticks.

Church was also really good as always. We didnt have a big group for lunch and who did go went to bajha fresh and im not a fan of mexican so I just hung out with them.... it was nice but I was somewhat out of it at that time....

I really needed a chance to hang out with someone tho.... It's amazing when God answers your prayers and its also amazing when you're run down and feel like there is no hope, God will give you something to keep you going. Even if He doesnt give you what your wishing for, he'll give you a reminder that the final result is still in progress.

I'm going to head to the data center here shortly and do some things and then get to bed somewhat early. Hope everyone has a great week!

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

You know.... So far I've been trying to figure out what the purpose of the whole Tiff thing..... I still don't know that I have.... But I realized today how unhealthy that relationship was to me. She was so important to me that keeing her happy and making sure she was comfortable was too important to me. I remember a decission I almost made that would have really screwed up Gods plan for me. Tiff and I were dating when I moved to VA.... When I found New Life, I was sure it was where I was meant to be. When Tiff came down I couldn't wait to take her to church. She didn't seem to excited about New Life and she said she thought that I needed something that would be more like CFC so that I could learn more. I almost started looking for churches..... Thank God I didn't.

This is just an example of why finding the right girl to marry is so important. And don't get me wrong, there is nothing that Tiff did wrong.... This problem was internal to me.....

My life has been getting progressively better and I'm loving every moment of it. A crucial factor was removing the attachment I had to Tiff..... It feels so much better now. I can clearly focus on what God wants for me and that includes finding the girl that God wants for me.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Saturday, April 01, 2006

For those of you that havent yet realized it.... APRIL FOOLS DAY! :)

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

OMG PONIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whew... after reading slashdot for a while, I feel the incredible urge to sign up for Google Romance. I'm feeling like I might be gay so maybe Google Romance can help me find that perfect guy in my life!


(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

(C)2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved
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