Sunday, April 30, 2006 |
Tonight, I want to see the movie "Stick It" ... Why? I dont know. I mean.... think about this... me going to see a gymnastics movie. Growing up I felt so robbed by gymnastics. It took everything away from me... the attention was always on my sisters while I went off to a bowling tournament with whoever would give me a ride. When it comes to gymnastics, you have to catch me at the right time, or at least did. I always bounced between liking and disliking it. I hated to go to gymnastics meets... well, ok, until puberty hit.... something about cute girls dancing around in very little clothing.... But that aside, there was a big part of me that was proud. Yaknow, as much as I hated gymnastics because I felt it stole alot away from me, I was always proud of my sisters. I dont think either of them know how I went to school after they had a big meet and bragged about them. Being able to say your sisters were national champions... it was cool... I was proud of them. I dont care if it was YMCA or if it was USGF or USAG or whatever they want to call themselves now... it didnt matter what they were a part of, it mattered that they gave it there all... and I always was proud of them.... even tho sometimes it did hurt. And I look back now and I see that maybe its true that the attention was on them and not on me but in looking back, I realize that that was just a part of making me of who I am today and a part of who I will be tomorrow. I dont want to look for recognition or praise.... and its something that I started getting used to while I was young. You might want to psycho analyze it and say that my parents didnt treat me right.... before you do, I want you to remember that there is always something greater at work. I was never shorted of love and I could never have asked for a better family. The lack of attention towards me wasnt because they failed in their job... it was because they were a part of God's plan of creating me who I am and who I will be. I am who I am because of my parents and my sisters, and my whole family.... And while you see posts on here about me not wanting to be me anymore because of some of the pain associated with it, dont think that that means I want to be any other person. If I could be someone else, who would I be? I mean, I could pick someone I look up to and respect like Fred Rogers or Walt Disney.... but should I think for any second of the day that they didnt have struggles? And if I wanted to be more like them, wouldnt that be accepting what was already done and just doing the expected? You dont change the world by doing what has always been done. If you follow the "rules" then you'll never make an impact. If you roll over and play dead, the world stays the same. In 1962 prayer was removed from the public school system.... Some say it was because of a corrupt government and the lack of focus on the founding values of this nation.... the reality is that it was those who just followed the rules instead of standing up against them. There are so many Martin Luther King Jr's out there.... so many Rosa Parks.... so many Walt Disneys and Fred Rogers.... but they all played by the rules and never made a splash.... they passed on without changing the world because they just wanted to accept what always was. After all, its easier that way, isnt it? If you havent seen the movie and dont want to know about it -- skip this paragraph. There was a total demonstration of someone not being satisfied with the status quo. The gymnasts in this movie not only stood up to what they believed was unfair but they formed a team to fight it. Girl after girl went up and scratched. Gymnasts from different teams chose who it was that one and who didnt. They let one gymnast compete and the rest scratched. In the beginning we dont realize how much pain was built up inside of Haley.... We dont realize what happened.... but she didnt realize that what happened to her and how unfairly she was treated was going to shake the gymnastics world. She didnt realize the lives she was going to touch.... and who would have thought that changing the world would come because you intentionally gave up -- or so it would seem. The thing is, inside of us, we can't give up... what we do on the outside is an act of something that is happening internally. If we dont feel right about something, we need to stand up against it. This is why people go on strike. I dont condone alot of the union strikes but there are times when "quitting" for a time is appropriate because we need to make a point. It's important, however, that internally we dont give up and we keep fighting. Because, really, if we decide to throw a game or go on strike, is that really giving up? I mean, you face so much more opposition that way.... and the reason is because you're standing against what is the status quo. What if the gymnasts in the movie had competed like normal? Sure, someone would be proud that their daughter won the national championships but those gymnasts would have gone home just like any other day.... and the next year, it would be the same... again and again. We dont innovate or change the world by following what others tell us. We do it by leading.... Even if that means going alone. I dont want people to be proud of me because I make $100k ... I dont want them to be proud of me becuase of a certain profession or a certain sport. I want people to be proud of me because of who I am internally. I want to be a person that someone who really gets to know me is the one that is proud of me... If you dont know me, you have no reason to be proud of me. It's not about what happens to me externally but about what happens on the inside. I've got a lot of work to do before I'm even someone inside that someone could be proud of... but I'm doing my best and I'll make an impact wherever God gives me the power to. It's not about me and anyone else... it's about me and God. If someone sees that I'm doing something right, I dont want them to be saying "good job" ... I want them to drop what they are doing and join me in what I am doing. We choose what we do with our lives but if we admire someone we can only immitate them... or we can join together with them. While there is the need for accountability and leadership, there is a need for innovation and breaking the rules.... Each one of us must do both.... Maybe we have a job that we must be accountable for. We are accountable to our boss while we do something else aside from that that someone else is accountable to us.... and it circles around. We are all accountable to someone.... and we all have a need to change the world. But, it's easier just to always follow.... Wake up, go through our day, go to sleep.... let's just get through this life and get it over with.... Thats the easy way.... OR ... how about making it interesting and shaking things up. There is a lost and dying world out there..... They havent seen anything new or exciting and its because we havent shown them. If we stick to the norms, then how to we expect them to walk out of theirs? (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I'm different... while there is alot of things I'm happy about being different, there are some really big things that I cant stand any more. I can't stand being alone... I'm always alone... if I'm working on a new project... or I'm relaxing.... or, well, whatever.... I'm alone.... always. And I can't take it. I have people that are "friends" to me... but the more I think about it, they are only friends when they need something. They arent friends because they like being around me.... They are either my friends because they feel like "its the right thing to do" or because I have something to offer them. I go through alot of hard times... I deal with alot... and its not that I'm complaining about that... the hard times I go through only shape me into who I am and I wouldnt change those for the world.... what I was is someone that can put a little faith in me... someone that can give me even just a little bit of time to spend with me.... Today was a unique scenario at church. So many times I hear the message and it just really tugs on my heart strings about something that I need to change. Today was the first time that I ever felt as though it was doing just the opposite. Tim was saying about investing time into people and spending time with them... not just because you feel like it but because you care and you know that there is alot to offer both ways in a friendship.... Honestly, it really hurt.... I cant tell you the last time I hung out with my friends from church.... It's getting so bad that I dont even care anymore... I'm crawling back into my shell... I'm back to going to see movies by myself and back to being alone again. It's not where I want to be because I love being around people... but I'm just not someone that people want to invest time into... the only thing people have for me is accusations of why I'm doing something wrong... Bottom line is, I like who I am.... what I want is someone who can love me for who I am and not think it's a game to try to change me and make me who they think I need to be. Just because I'm not like you doesnt mean I'm not happy with who I am... I think differently... I like it that way... What I dont like is the fact that no one can love me for who I am. As much as I like being different, I'm tired of it... Because I'll never have those friendships that I desire so badly... and I'll probably never find that girl that will spend her life with me. These are things that I desire more than almost anything in the world... I've tried to reach out to so many people but its all fallen on deaf ears. I need relationships... I need friends... I need someone to love me for who I am and maybe make a sacrifice to spend a little time with me.... I know I'm nothing exciting... but these are the things I can dream of, right? (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Here's just a few laughs for your enjoyment. I'm usually a very paitient person when it comes to helping people with computers.... I actually enjoy doing it. Sometimes tho, it just crosses the line... and I think the way any tech handles these times best, it's to laugh about it. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
In other news, the Bush administration takes another big hit on our privacy.... and in doing it, pretty much confirms that they are doing some shady stuff. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
So maybe its just the rumor mill for now, but man is this exciting news :) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, April 29, 2006 |
I just got out of the United 93 movie.... This is a hard blog to write because there really arent words to say... there are thoughts... lots of them.... but they are hard to put in words.... The thing about this blog is that it isnt about any of the world disasters before.. this is current.... this happened in our lifetime.... it was real and is real and its not something that can be forgotten. It's not often you walk out of a theater where no one is talking.... few words could be heard.... tears were about the only thing you saw... It's real.... Its not a movie, but a true story.... something that happened just a few years ago. So many people today live their lives in fear. While we have reason to be afraid, we can not let that fear affect our lives. We don't understand the bigger picture. We don't know what is ahead. So many people are hindered by their fear. Fear keeps so many people from doing what they need to do.... One of the biggest fears is the fear of failure. Those people that died when flight 93 landed in Somerset, PA.... They were afraid... They had good reason to be afraid.... but they didn't live in that fear.... and they certainly didn't let the fear of failure stop them. Did the accomplish what they wanted to? No.... does that mean they failed.... Absolutely not. Those people are held in the hearts of many right now. They didn't go down without a fight.... And the impact that they have made on this world is great.... They may not even know that... In a conversation with a friend today, I was told "some people don't understand that its not what you take with you but what you leave behind" and living in this area, I see it every day. Those people that died on flight 93.... all the people who died on September 11th, 2001.... It wasnt what they took with them... its what they left behind them. Lives have been touched.... And again, those who brought harm to Americans don't realize that they have only helped us. The same as every horrible experience I have gone through has made me the person I am today, America's horrible experiences have made us who we are as a nation. All we can do is fight for what is right. There are greater things than anyone can even imagine. So many people are living their lives in fear.... whether it be fear of something small or something big... The fear of something tangible like not having enough money or the fear of something intangible like the fear of someone breaking their heart. Just because we fail doesn't mean that we need to roll over and play dead.... Its not an excuse to just quit trying.... We are going to fail.... We all have and always will.... Its how we handle that failure that is important. If we are afraid to fail and we don't try, then we have failed even greater than what we may have accomplished.... Sometimes we don't realize that the failure may be the solution. We don't realize that by failing, we might just touch someone's life... Whether we see it or not... Its not important whether we see it or not because its not about what we take with us but its what about we leave behind. don't live in fear.... get up and be bold and do what you need to do. There is bad things in this world we live in... and it hits close to home. In 2001 I lived in Pennsylvania.... Only about 45 mins from where United 93 crashed.... today I live in Herndon, VA and the first real part of the movie took place right there in Herndon, VA at the traffic control center.... All of this hits very close to me. But all of this bad that is happening all around me... I cant allow it to stop me from doing what I know is right and what I know I need to be doing. I don't know who I'm impacting and I may never know... but because I don't know and because I don't gain anything from doing something does not mean that I shouldnt do it.... Its pointless to work towards my own personal gain and I pray that God forgives me of those times that I have been selfish. It's all about what you leave behind... If people could only see that and stop being blinded by this idea that money is the measure of success. Its not going to matter what car you drove or where you lived... Whether you owned a house or rented a basement... those things just don't matter.... They shouldnt matter.... There is alot more to life than that.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, April 28, 2006 |
It started out with getting some news that I didnt know how to take at first but I realized that the situation was only going to show me some things about myself. Basically, New Life had decided to not go with my suggestion of converting to Macintosh... which honestly isnt an issue. And I'd never fault anyone for making a decission.... but I had a long conversation with someone at the church and it really pointed out alot of things to me. It's never been a secret that I'm in VA because God wants me here.... the thing that happened to get me here were amazing... and maybe there are alot of times that I question what the purpose is.... but the comfort is in knowing that there is a purpose. I guess sometimes I feel like I'm an untapped resource... I'm here for a purpose and I'm going to accomplish that purpose no matter what it is or what it takes. I've faced alot of opposition in my life and I still do. Its about perserverance.... and I know some people read my blog and go "oh wow, this guy is down alot and is a complete wreck" but what people dont understand is that each person feels the same way but its just that I make it known because I'm an open and real person... that is who I want to be. But the thing is, I always do spring back and perservere and get the job done.... its tough.... Its gotta be tough if you want to make an impact. The things I really started realizing tho are that I have experienced so much because I need to have a better understanding than most of what works and what doesnt work.... That may sound odd but I have seen so many situations in tech that can help me make decissions.... most people dont need that experience but I do. For me, its not all about doing the technical stuff but its also about less technical decissions that affect technical work... For instance, what companies do you deal with? Do you partner with this person to accomplish the goal or do you do it on your own? Do you go with commercial products or with open source projects? What fits best in the surroundings? These are questions that technicians dont ask... and typically dont need to ask.... but where I am in life, I need to do both.... I need to ask those questions and I need to do the tech work behind it... Maybe I am an untapped resource.... maybe I'm not supposed to be tapped yet? Whatever the case is, God is doing something and that is what is important. Where I fit in may not be 100% decided yet but things are starting to look clearer. My Ransom Network idea is looking more accomplishable but yet its not the time for it.... but things are leading that way.... will it happen? I dont know.... But I do realize that I'm not called to bring people to Christ.... It's not my calling... My calling is to enable those people that are called to do that. I'm called to work behind the scenes making things possible for them.... that is my ministry.... How exactly I fit in to each scenario is yet to be determined.... but its a work in progress.... and I'm ok with that. Another thing that hit me was how important it is to keep my background. Today I walked into the F building in the data center which is where Carptahia is.... I walked passed the Carpathia cages and saw what I guess was my replacements (yes, more than one person replaced me) working.... and I walked by and just thought "that was my desk" ... Thats where I was.... for a year of my life, my effort was put into a company that I was not supposed to be with past a few months ago. But working for Carpathia was crucial in what God is going to accomplish in my life. IF nothing else, it was Carpathia that brought me to Northern VA which is, without a doubt, where I am supposed to be (at least for now -- hopefully forever). As I was leaving the data center, I had a security guard say hi.... I'm not often in the F building so I dont get to see them often but I am really good friends with almost all of the guards. There was another guard that joked about how I am always going into another cage and they are always getting ticket to let me into this company's equipment or in that company's equipment... and this guard said that he is so happy when he sees my name pop up on a ticket.... The reason is almost because he was proud of me.... He said it to the effect that I am going somewhere and he is happy for me.... and you know what.... I'm happy for me too. I like where I am. In amongst all of this, I was pretty frustrated for a bit because working for MFC requires a good bit.... few people and lots of work.... Tho its not a "no" answer when I need something, it takes some time to get it ordered.... these are some frustrations.... but what job doenst have frustrations. I'm happier at MFC than I have ever been anywhere else (except maybe Disney). As I left the F building to head back to G I took the back road..... there are some remaining dirt roads in this area that are open and this was one of them.... I turned onto it and drove down it passing fields on either side and leaving a trail of dust behind me.... and I remembered who I am... I am a Pittsburgher.... I am a Christian.... A free spirit and someone who is going to accomplish great things through the power of God..... Lots of frustrations have been in my life.... Yaknow... I miss alot of things... I miss living in PA... I miss working at Export Moose Bowling Lanes, I miss working at Computer Connections... and Pizza Hut.... I miss Amber and Kendra and Tiff.... I do even miss working for Carpathia and working with the romanians.... All of the above things were things that brought me great pain in many ways.... but also had good memories.... and most of the above already show evidence of why it is that I had to go through that time... some don't yet.... but whats done is done and I am where I am now and I am going forward from here.... I can do some great things if people just put a little bit of faith in me. I used to have a little card hanging in my room years ago that said "One man can change the world: Jesus Did" .... And yaknow what... I can change the world.... with Jesus' help.... and He will use me.... and I am looking forward to that.... People read my blog daily.... some want to know whats going on in my life.... some want to pray for me specifically, some want to know how they can help... and there are a few that visit my blog to look for ways to attack me.... My blog has been used against me many times... from the time that I had a link posted by someone I used to work with on a popular site saying something to the effect that religion has screwed up my life..... Even in this post, I'm sure someone can find something to attack me on... but the important thing is that I am happy with who I am and Jesus promised that any weapon formed against me shall not prosper. So to those who are looking for ways to attack me... all I can say is bring it on. Sure, I dont want it... but I am who I am and I like who I am... I have issues... I have struggles... and sometimes people may think that I'm not happy.... the funniest thing of all is that people think they have hindered my ministry and that they have damaged me.... What they dont realize is that those people who are thinking that who were people that brought alot of stress in my life -- those people are the biggest help that I have ever had. Do whatever you want.... no matter how evil it is, you may not realize that its part of God's plan.... I stand in Him... I accomplish what I do in Him... And whatever it is that is required of me to accomplish what He wants me to accomplish, I will do. I'm not affraid to take on huge responsibilities... I'm not affraid of even 1/4 of what I used to be. I may not be making alot of money but I am making great contacts and I am accomplishing that which I want to.... There is alot more to life than money.... and I am happier now making less money than I could be than if I took those jobs that would have "got me far" according to the world's standards. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, April 27, 2006 |
Somedays I wanna quit and just be normal for a bit I don't understand why you have to always be gone I get along but your trips always feel so long And I find myself trying to stay by the phone Because your voice always helps me to not feel so alone But I feel like an idiot, working my day around a call And when I pick up I don't have much to say, so I want you to know it's a little [screwed] up that I'm stuck here waiting, at times debating Telling you that I've had it with you and your career Me and the rest of the family here singing Where'd you go? I miss you so Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone Where'd you go? I miss you so Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone Please Come back home You know, the place where you used to live Used to barbeque with burgers and ribs Used to have a little party every halloween with candy by the pile but now you only stop by every once in a while Shit I find myself just filling my time With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind I'm doing fine and I plan to keep it that way You can call me if you find that you have something to say And I'll tell you I want you to know it's a little [screwed] up that I'm stuck here waiting, at times debating Telling you that I've had it with you and your career Me and the rest of the family here singing Where'd you go? I miss you so Seems like its been forever that you've been gone Where'd you go? I miss you so Seems like its been forever that you've been gone Please Come back home I want you to know it's a little [screwed] up that I'm stuck here waiting, no longer debating Tired of sitting and hating and making these excuses For why you're not around, and feeling so useless It seems that one thing has been true all along You don't really know what you've got till its gone I guess I've had it with you and your career When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it Where'd you go? I miss you so Seems like it's been forever that you've been gone Where'd you go? I miss you so Seems like its been forever that you've been gone "Where'd You Go" by Fort Minor (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, April 24, 2006 |
I'm on the other side, back among the living Ain't a cloud in the sky All my tears have been cried And i can finally say [Chorus:] Baby baby stay Stay right where you are I like it this way It's good for my heart I haven't felt like this In God knows how long I know everything's gonna be okay If you just stay gone I still love you and i will forever We can't hide the truth We know each other better When we try to make it work We both end up hurt It ain't supposed to be that way [Chorus:] Baby baby stay Stay right where you are I like it this way It's good for my heart I haven't felt like this In God knows how long I know everything's gonna be okay If you just stay gone When we try to make it work We both end up hurt Love ain't supposed to be that way [Chorus:] So baby baby stay Stay right where you are I like it this way It's good for my heart I haven't felt like this In ooh in God knows how long I know everything's gonna be okay If you just stay gone I know everything's gonna be okay If you just stay gone "Stay Gone" by Jimmy Wayne (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
04/24 [11:14] bblboy54: when I was 16 I was diagnosed with clinical depression 04/24 [11:14] bblboy54: looking back, we now know that was a mis-diagnosis 04/24 [11:15] bblboy54: I had gone from being diagnost depressive to bipolar, to this, to that.... 04/24 [11:15] bblboy54: I was in a mental hospital twice (don't let that scare you ... it was mainly for monitoring.... not that I was a danger) 04/24 [11:15] bblboy54: no one could figure out what the deal was with me 04/24 [11:15] bblboy54: a little over a year ago, a psychiatrist and I finally figured out what the primary problem was 04/24 [11:15] bblboy54: and that was ADHD 04/24 [11:16] bblboy54: and it is very unique in my case..... in fact, he said that he never saw this scenario occur 04/24 [11:16] bblboy54: I had been having serious panic attacks 04/24 [11:16] bblboy54: quite a few times I had to go to the emergency room to get a shot to calm me down 04/24 [11:17] bblboy54: the psychiatrist wsa afraid to put me on the ADHD medicine tho because it has a side effect of panic 04/24 [11:17] bblboy54: but the screener came back with undisputable results that I was ADHD 04/24 [11:17] bblboy54: so we decided to try it 04/24 [11:17] bblboy54: and my panic went away 04/24 [11:17] bblboy54: and we realized what was going on in my mind 04/24 [11:17] bblboy54: I'm a VERY determined person 04/24 [11:17] bblboy54: I don't take anything laying down 04/24 [11:18] bblboy54: I have to get the job done and get it accomplished 04/24 [11:18] bblboy54: the problem is, my mind organically doesn't want to focus on something until the job is done 04/24 [11:18] bblboy54: and it creates "internal friction" which causes me to have a panic attack 04/24 [11:19] bblboy54: additionally, I am a shy person.... but at the same time, all the psychological tests that I have taken point to me being VERY relationship driven 04/24 [11:19] bblboy54: meaning I have to be around people.... I thrive when I'm around people 04/24 [11:19] bblboy54: but I'm a really hard person to understand 04/24 [11:19] bblboy54: and its hard for people to deal with me..... so I guess I end up pushing them away 04/24 [11:19] bblboy54: which throws me back into issues 04/24 [11:20] bblboy54: and the problem is, I'm so determined to save the friendship that I end up doing just the opposite 04/24 [11:20] bblboy54: and at the same time, I have internal friction.... part of me says "this is the time to shut up" and the other part of me says "you're not going to let this friend go" 04/24 [11:21] bblboy54: and even tho since I've been on the ADHD medicine I have been doing 400% better, every now and then I have nights like I had last night 04/24 [11:21] bblboy54: where everything just gets to me and I basically get tired of hearing everything 04/24 [11:21] bblboy54: I am the way that I am because God made me this way 04/24 [11:21] bblboy54: and there is a divine purpose for that 04/24 [11:22] bblboy54: and I know that the experiences that I have had have only led to, and will continue to lead to, helping others in similar situations 04/24 [11:22] bblboy54: but in those moments like last night, its hard for me to think clearly because I'm so overwhelemd by the crap that has been going on 04/24 [11:23] bblboy54: and when people try to do the logical thing of telling me that they care, the only thing that floods back is all of the people who tell me that all the time and then leave 04/24 [11:23] bblboy54: and I know its easy to say stuff you don't mean... it's harder to put those words into action 04/24 [11:24] bblboy54: and, to me, especially in those moments, its hard to believe what is said to me because there are no actions that follow what that person says 04/24 [11:24] bblboy54: But all of this helps me to develop a better understanding of many things in the future 04/24 [11:25] bblboy54: ways to relate to people.... ways to compare how I feel to how others feel.... and how I can help someone else 04/24 [11:25] bblboy54: But one thing that I know is true 04/24 [11:25] bblboy54: when I find that special girl that really can deal with the strangeness that is me, I know that girl loves me 04/24 [11:25] bblboy54: and I will find her..... 04/24 [11:26] bblboy54: its really hard to have so many people give up on me.... and that's not my imagination... people DO give up on me 04/24 [11:26] bblboy54: and I don't blame them because I am tough to deal with 04/24 [11:26] bblboy54: but I am who I am... and I'm glad that I am who I am 04/24 [11:26] bblboy54: and I'm glad because I know I kind of have a built in filter that people who truly don't care about me kind of just dissappear on their own :) 04/24 [11:27] bblboy54: while that hurts that they disappear, at least I know that those who stick by me truly are friends 04/24 [11:27] bblboy54: God has something planned for me 04/24 [11:27] bblboy54: something great..... 04/24 [11:27] bblboy54: and I don't know exactly what it is 04/24 [11:28] bblboy54: but I know its going to thrive on all of these struggles that I have had and probably will continue to have ... and a little about depression in general 04/24 [11:35] bblboy54: the thing is that people sort of stereo-type depressed people 04/24 [11:35] bblboy54: and im sure this is something that you have experienced 04/24 [11:35] bblboy54: for the normal human being, it's "hey, just snap out of it ... look at all the good that you have" 04/24 [11:35] bblboy54: they can not comprehend how a depressed person's brain is working 04/24 [11:35] bblboy54: have they experienced aspects of what I am feeling, sure.... 04/24 [11:36] bblboy54: but do they know exactly how I am feeling..... no 04/24 [11:36] bblboy54: and one reason for this is that God created each one of us unique 04/24 [11:36] bblboy54: when someone tells me that they know how I feel, the truth is that they don't..... 04/24 [11:37] bblboy54: and even if it is coming from someone else that struggles with depression, its rare that its heart felt and its not taken the way it should be when I am depressed 04/24 [11:37] bblboy54: and it only frustrates the person telling it to me 04/24 [11:37] bblboy54: no one has the exact mix of feelings at the same time.... and that is something that everyone needs to understand..... 04/24 [11:38] bblboy54: when someone is depressed, they CAN'T fix the problem.... that's what they need to know first 04/24 [11:38] bblboy54: it's not possible.... the logical stuff will not work 04/24 [11:38] bblboy54: whats needed is a friend.... someone who will listen to 04/24 [11:38] bblboy54: quite honestly, the best words you can say to someone who is really depressed is "that sucks" 04/24 [11:39] bblboy54: or, at least for me, invite me to do something..... distract me from the problems.... don't convince me that they arent problems ... I also would like to say if anyone has not seen the movie "Prozac Nation" they really need to go rent it.... especially now that it is out on DVD. I think it's really important that people catch a glimpse of the mind of a depressed person and this movie shows it very well. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, April 23, 2006 |
I cant understand why I keep having faith in people that they are going to keep their word.... people break it all the time and yet I decide that I'll trust again... and again.... and again..... why cant I just learn that people never say what they mean to me? Then I've got people that get upset the few times that I dont believe them.... how am I supposed to? I'm really feeling crappy emotionally right now.... and its the time where I would like to really talk to someone.... but I dont have anyone..... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
She's alone again but it's worse than it's never been She hurts so bad down and out, she feels the pain of a broken heart She hurts so bad she feels the pain of a broken heart The black rain falls, the river runs red Like a crown of thorns to my head She holds the cross in her hand but she feels so could and lost Take a look inside, nowhere to run, no place to hide She never told a lie, put her faith in love, never compromised She had a heavy gun but she tied her strings, she never come undone "Thorns" by Bride (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
So months ago everyone I talked to complained that they could not hear me.... within the last month and a half, I had people hanging up when I called them because they could not hear me at all. My Treo 650 was still under warranty so since my problem becomes Verizon's problem on the first call, this shouldnt have been any issue, right? Wrong.... I called customer service and they told me that I needed to go to a store.... previously when I had issues with a smart phone, I knew that the stores did handle issues with any type of data product... I brought this up to the rep and was still told to go to the store. So I ended that call and called back a half hour later.... only to get the same story. So ok, I'm wrong and they changed something... I drive to the store to be told that they cant do anything because I have a data phone.... ok, no shocker there.... the CSR there basically accuses me of lying about the problems I have been having with my phone and I mentioned this to him and he kind of changed the subject and called data support from there.... so here I am at the store and away from my computer and the data rep wants me to do a hard reset of my phone which will clear all of my data.... whatever, I dont care at this point... I just want to get a phone that works. I clear all data on my phone and he says to try it now.... so I did for the next few days and, how about that... same issues.... I knew this was going to happen because I told him that I did a hard reset before... but I'm apparently not capable of doing this the correct way. So I call data support back.... after 2 months of trying to iron out this issue for a phone that is UNDER WARRANTY, they decide they can replace the phone for me. So Thursday I receive my replacement phone... I open it up only to find that it is a Treo 600 and not a 650... there are huge differences here and they include that they dont use an external battery nor do they use the same charger as a 650.... so I have no way to charge this phone or do anything with it at all. I call Verizon back, give them the order number, and they apologize and say that the only person that can issue another replacement is the same person that issued this order.... you've got to be kidding me, right? Whatever, I call this guy and of course he isnt at his desk... I leave a message and as of today, I had no call back from him. So I call customer service again... explain what has been going on... they apologize (i love how they keep apologizing but dont take care of anything).... so the rep tells me that they did send another phone out to me on Friday... great... glad you told me. She says to hold on a second because she wants to verify some things just to make sure. A few mins later she gets back on the phone to tell me that the phone that they shipped out to me on Friday was ALSO a Treo 600.... So I'm sending a Treo 600 back now... I'm getting another Treo 600 tomorrow that I need to send back again and then they say they will send me a Treo 650.... I'm honestly not holding my breath.... and in all of this, they finally decided to give me a $25 credit.... excellent... I get $25 off my bill for not having a useable phone for 3 weeks.... so generous, right? I'm definately porting my number to my cingular phone at the end of the month.... no doubt about it.... and honestly, if EVDO wasnt such a better protocol for data than GSM/EDGE, I would be canceling my PCMCIA card with Verizon as well.... Sure, Verizon does have the best network and great coverage.... but their customer service sucks... and if someone is not willing to stand behind their product, I could care less how good it is. I hope to God I dont have any issues with my PCMCIA card because I dont want to have to deal with them again... It's insane!!!!! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I was not feeling well last night at all.... couldnt sleep... so I took some medicine and apparently that didnt do much for me waking up on time..... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
But why is she on my mind? Well, since all of the crap happened in the whole Tiff situation, there has been something that I have been struggling with. Simply put, I am questioning why she was even in my life... I always do my best to look at the positives in everything and realize that the bad happens to produce good... in the case of Tiff, I feel like that whole scenario is the one thing in my life that did nothing good.... In my life, I have a few really good memories of those times but they dont come even close to justifying all of the pain I have lived with because of what happened. Tonight I have really been thinking about something tho. A few good memories may have the answer to why the whole thing occured. I posted one of those last week about when I talked Tiff into going on Top Thrill Dragster.... She was scared to death but I pushed her to try it... and she enjoyed it... Same is true with when I took her skiing.... she didnt want to do it, but I pushed her to do it... and she enjoyed it.... Though there are also other things that I really felt that Tiff should do, I never did accomplish showing her the great things had she done them.... doesnt really even mean they were for her.... The thing is tho.... the entire Tiff thing... well, I guess I really didnt take much (if anything) from that relationship... but maybe I just need to try to sit back and think that maybe, somehow, someway.... just maybe I made a tiny little impact to help her become a better person.... and in some ways, I wish I could still help her.... but she is extremely against taking help from anyone. I've even talked with some other friends of hers and its the same story.... Tiff never asks for help, accepts help, or even mentions anything that she needs with the fear that someone might try to help her with it.... but maybe, somewhere, I did help her... I dont know.... maybe this is just me trying to justify the reason why I stuck with Tiff for so long.... Because looking back, I think that if I regret anything, it probably was staying with her for so long.... So no, I have no intentions of going back with Tiff... actually... I have no intentions of even communicating with Tiff.... A few nights ago I sent her an email... it really was a bad mistake.... And of course I never received a response.... its like she's fine just knowing that I'm thinking of her because in her twisted reality, she thinks that things are just going to change without her doing anything about them..... Truth be told, I dont think I could even trust Tiff if we were in a relationship again.... But, one belief of mine is to never say never.... so I can't say that it will never happen... I dont know what God has in store.... For me to be with Tiff again, it would take her making some drastic moves that I know she will never even come close to taking without some divine power.... So for those who started to think that I have been working towards dating Tiff again, you're wrong. One email I sent her and no response.... I dont see it happening and right now, I dont want it to happen. I'm sure there is a perfect girl down here in VA for me that has the same beliefs as I do... the beliefs that helping people and being helped are very important aspects of life... and that honesty is always the best policy... Someone who puts family above career and loyalty above that. I'll find her someday... God will show me who she is.... and I look forward to that day coming soon. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
The thing about this is, these figures are absolutely empty. The "1 in 5 children is solicited online" thing gets me particularly. I would really like to know what they count a solicited. Anyone who uses AIM or Yahoo chatrooms (can't speak for the MSN chatrooms, but I would assume it is common in those as well) and to a lesser extent, IRC has experienced bots that automatically solicit people- usually trying to trick people into pay porn sites or to the peronsons personal escort service. If they are counting this as solicitation (and it seems the most likely way that they would get the 1-in-5 figure) then it's really not nearly as much of a danger as they are making it seem. If a parent has properly configured their network connection, the vast majority of sites that spambots in chatrooms would send children to would be blocked anyway; and it's not as though there is an actual person on the other end who is actively trying to lure a child into meeting for a sexual encounter. Furthermore, I wonder if they cound instances of flirtation where the adult ceases communication with the child if/when they become away that the person with whom they are talking is a child. Once again, this isn't a case of an adult actively conspiring to lure a child to them in order to commit sexual acts- but both instances could be used to support the 1-in-5 statistic. One thing that gets me too is, they are talking about cracking down on child porn, but in my experience this isn't really the case. Last year someone on a newsgroup I was on (this wasn't a pornographic newsgroup, but the person who posted it was someone I had seen post before, I can only assume that they must have posted to the wrong newsgroup or something) posted bunch of child porn photos. When I saw it I got all of the relevant information I could gather and called the local FBI office, and the local police department. Neither group even seemed interested in my call. The FBI told me to contact my ISP, my ISP told me to contact the local police, local police told me to contact the FBI- and after a day on the phone getting the runaround I ended up just posting the information I had to a child abuse pervention website and hoping that they could find the right people to talk to catch the guy. No, instead of taking information that someone was trying to give them to catch a child pornographer, they want to log everyone's online activity. The thing is, logging all of that activity will do nothing to help catch child pornography. The amount of data would be such that it would still require someone to find and report the activity- and if someone can find it and report it, then there should be enough information already to catch the person. This leads me to believe that the interest in logging all of this is in no way related to catching child pornographers. Instead it seems like the neo-cons are doing what they do best- brewing up an invisible boogeyman and using the threat of this boogeyman in order abridge the rights and privacy of the citizens. After all, if anyone tries to stand up against it, then they "are just a prevert who doesn't care about exploited children being used for sex and porography"- the same as with the patriot act and anyone who opposed it being "a commie american hating terrorist". This post was made by miyako at http://yro.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=06/04/22/2132234 (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, April 22, 2006 |
-- Steve Jobs, CEO Pixar - MacWorld 1997, Boston Its amazing sometimes how certain thing can get you in a position where you realize things that you never thought were possible. Recently, to me, I have been amazed at the power behind the Apple name. I am even more amazed at the genuis behind Steve Jobs. Aside from my technical research recently, I have really been focused on risks and how risks can pay off. Steve Jobs has done some amazing things and alot of those things have occured because of some incredibly insane stands that he took. Things that were not popular were the things that he did and in the past 5-10 years, he has completely turned Apple around into a healthy company again. While I have never been against Apple and against Steve Jobs, it never was a lead thought in my mind. I have never recommended an Apple product to anyone.... until just recently. I have basically taken over the majority of the IT stuff at my church. One thing about my church is they are very creative. Video production and publishing are HUGE parts of the core of New Life. Recently staff members have been tossing around ideas of where things should go.... and if I've ever said something that I shocked myself with, it was when I recommended that New Life look into converting to Macintosh for the creative side of things. While I think the PC architecture is still paramount for the business and operations ends of New Life, Apple brings alot of new power to the creative department. So a little over a month ago, I made my first recommendation to anyone to buy Macintosh. This also is around the same time that I started researching streaming audio solutions for doing web broadcasts of our sermons and videos and came to the conclusion that Apple Darwin Streaming Server meets the needs more than any other platform. Of course, when you make a decission to recommend something that you really dont know much about, that is always a good time to play catch up so you can live up to your word. That is something that I have been recently doing... and I have been amazed at the things Apple has done... I'm amazed at the areas that Apple has some huge market shares in that the company goes completely un-noticed. They are even more of a forefront in creative content than I ever dreamed.... and after looking into technical items as well as the business items, I have come to the conclusion that Steve Jobs would be a great role model for anyone. Someone who is not affraid to take huge risks and then work until he reaps the benefits of those risks. In 1997 he did something that no one would have ever saw coming... something that I think really pissed alot of people off... but at the same time, Steve accomplished the things that he wanted to in the long run. At MacWorld in 1997, Steve Jobs announced a partnership with Microsoft. Through the presentation he was booed multiple times but he was very stern with the Apple community that it wasnt about Microsoft vs. Apple but it was about Apple being better. Here in 2006 he has accomplished what he wanted to. He knew what he was doing... and he stood for it and executed it well, even tho he risked losing the majority of the Apple followers. And here in 2006, I am looking at Apple in a new light because of some very drastic changes that Steve decided to make. I am not, nor will I probably ever be, a fan of, Microsoft but sometimes doing things that you arent comfortable with are the things that will make you grow in the long run. These are lessons that can be used outside of the tech industry and applied directly to life. So, my hat goes off to Steve Jobs. He is an amazing person who always seems to get the job done. We're still researching the possibility of moving to Apple at my church but so far, it's looking good.... but if nothing else, my eyes have been opened and I can certainly see the possibility of me becomming more of an Apple fan. Of course, Linux is my heart and soul right now but with OSX being *NIX based, what better compliment to Linux is there? (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
University Heights (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, April 21, 2006 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, April 20, 2006 |
Driving in India (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
This rates up there as one of the longer nights in history for me. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
You might say I have given up all hope on people.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, April 19, 2006 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
On a snow white Christmas Eve Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline It been a long hard year She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention She was going way to fast Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass She saw both their lives flash before her eyes She didn't even have time to cry She was sooo scared She threw her hands up in the air Jesus take the wheel Take it from my hands Cause I can't do this all on my own I'm letting go So give me one more chance To save me from this road I'm on Jesus take the wheel It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder And the car came to a stop She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock And for the first time in a long time She bowed her head to pray She said I'm sorry for the way I've been living my life I know I've got to change So from now on tonight Jesus take the wheel Take it from my hands Cause I can't do this all my own I'm letting go So give me one more chance To save me from this road I'm on Oh, Jesus take the wheel Oh, I'm letting go So give me one more chance Save me from this road I'm on From this road I'm on Jesus take the wheel Oh, take it, take it from me Oh, why, oh "Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
The TV-advert enforcer I love it when a really good company does something utterly stupid to give me a really good reason to quit buying their products. Strange how I DONT see any more Phillips or Magnavox products being purchased by me in the future. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, April 18, 2006 |
I dont really understand why God has chose for me to follow this journey on my own. Sometimes I wish I had someone in the same way that Moses as Aaron... but this is a journey that I am on my own in for some reason and if it be God's will, then its ok with me. But it would be nice to have someone working with me.... Someone who was there to encourage me. It's hard with these lonely feelings that I feel. I often wish that I had that special girl in my life.... someone to just relax and cuddle up with. Whatever reason, God doesnt feel thats a need in my life right now -- so I accept. But I do wish that it wasnt the case. There have been alot of memories that have been left in the past.... And recently there is one memory that keeps coming back to my mind.... and this is probably the most insignificant thing to anyone else but it means more to me than anything else that has ever happened in my life. A few years ago Tiff and I went to Cedar Point. This was the year that Top Thrill Dragster opened. Tiff was scared to death to go on it but I convinced her that she should.... after the ride as we were returning to the station, she grabbed my hand. And as I sit here typing about it, I'm getting tears in my eyes. I dont understand why that meant so much to me or why it has been popping into my head so frequently.... but I guess thats what I'm looking for.... someone to grab my hand and not have to say any words to let me know that they care. Grab my hand to say "thank you" or grab my hand to say "you mean alot to me"..... Someday I guess.... for now, I'll just keep fighting for making things better in every area I work in. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I found a very nice program that I am working on implementing. I give credit where credit is due... so far, Microsoft hasnt done a bad job at Windows Mobile 5.0 but I will still say that they totally screwed up Outlook... Anyway, I'm not about to leave Thunderbird just because I have a Windows cell phone. After searching the web for a while, I found this handy utility: FinchSync If you have a Windows based smartphone or PocketPC and you use Mozilla products, you'll want to check this out. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, April 16, 2006 |
Try and figure it out...figure it out There's a way to escape But the choices you make Stand in the way So they say that it's the only way But now you know how I feel about it And i can't escape The way you feel 'Cause it's the way i feel And it's surreal Take a look at yourself Are you wondering how It's gonna work out? And there's a way to escape What you think is your fate But you say it's too late And i can't escape the way you feel 'Cause it's the way i feel And it's surreal And i cannot change The way it is 'Cause it's the life that you live And it's so real I'm missing you still I have felt so far from home here Don't want to stir the waters Of a restless soul I'll learn to let this go There's a way to escape What you think is your fate It's never too late "The Way I Feel" by Sanctus Real (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, April 15, 2006 |
In this glorious night I wish that I would die This feelings of loneliness An undescribible pain Can't tell from where it comes Why am I like this? Why do I feel like this? I was just laughing I was just happy But now I wish I was never born I´m dying by little... The words are missing So many and so intense Are the sensations I end up losing, Iluding, tormenting However, never saving myself... I´m dying by little... Please save me. "I'm dying by little" by Trinnity (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Anyway, my sisters are down from PA and last night we went to the Billy Joel concert at the Verizon Center in Washington DC. It was an awesome time. It was especially fun trying to figure out how to get out of DC... but it was all good times. We're probably going to go see a movie a little later. I wanted to ask some of my friends to go with us but I cant find any of them.... not returning emails or IMs, etc, etc.... it sucks because I kinda wish I could introduce them to my sisters but I guess it doesnt much matter.... Oh, and one last gripe.... Why do so many people think that I cant be happy with the money that I am making? Sure, I can find a job for almost double what I'm making.... but I'm able to do the things that I want to do right now... I'm not interested in more money right now. Life is not all about money... and I know that I live in the wrong area to be saying that but its really the way I feel. As long as I can pay my bills and be able to have a little bit for a few toys and to do stuff, I'm happy.... I dont need to fill my life up with tons and tons of toys.... actually, truth is that no matter how much money I make, if that was my goal, it would always be to make more money.... so if you have the attitude that you need more money to be happy, then you will never be happy because you will always need more money. Sure, having money is a nice thing but its not essential for happiness.... in fact, in so many cases I think its the opposite. So basically, I am happy.... quit trying to force me into jobs that pay more when I know they will only prevent me from doing what makes me happy..... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, April 14, 2006 |
Billy Joel is down there... I swear! :) This message was sent using PIX-FLIX Messaging service from Verizon Wireless! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
First, China announces that it is illegal to run your own mail server. Running your own mail server means that you are in full control of the data you send and receive. Taking that right away means that China can very closely control all data coming in and out of China. Story Here. The biggest reason this move is horrible for pricavy is because of data retention. If you run your own email server, you are in control of what you keep and dont keep. If an ISP runs your email server then that ISP has control of what is kept, deleted, read, forwarded, etc. Maybe not a huge issue to you and me but across the board, this is a very dangerous thing. So, how does this relate to the USA headed to communism? Well, Bush and his administration are working on a new law. It's not going to ban you running your own email server but if you do, it will hold you under unreasonable laws. Basically, it will be illegal to delete your email. Story Here Here is one big problem that is allowing this to get support. First of all, there is the fact that Bush is doing a horrible job at the Iraq war.... but I think he may be doing that intentionally because it keeps our eyes off of things like these laws that violate our privacy. The thing is, he has also built in a protection for those who do take their eyes off of the war and see what is going on..... He is doing this in the name of eliminating child pornography. Not that that's wrong.... but if you read that link above, I'm sure most of you got fired up and became furious at the child pornographers that get away with things and as a result, you begin supporting the ideas of email retention and things that would help cut back.... but Bush wins... we all support the law, the law goes into effect, and all of a sudden, they arent just reading emails from pornographers.... they are reading the email you send to your mom, your girlfriend, sister, etc.... And the worst thing is, when your friend is arrested for something that you said jokingly to them in an email, it was YOU that supported the law letting that happen. Child pornography is sick, disgusting, and wrong.... and nothing should protect it.... however, once these laws are passed and in effect, who will protect us? The FBI and other agencies have prosecuted alot of pornographers and maybe some slip by.... do you think that some still won't slip by? Ask yourself this question.... would you allow someone to put a camera in your bedroom where you and your wife sleep together? You got nothing to hide, right? Would you let them watch you have sex because you have nothing to hide? (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Like someone revvin' up a truck never put in gear But you don't see a cowboy run his mouth and strut around He just takes the bull by the horns and throws him to the ground Takin' care of business not just puttin' on a show When it gets down to it, everybody knows It ain't the smoke, it's the fire that gets the burnin' done If it wasn't for the bullet, nobody'd fear the gun It ain't the bark, it ain't the growl, it's the bite that hurts Thunder's just a noise, boys, lightnin' does the work You can talk about the farm or you can plow the ground Argue with a rusty nail or hammer it on down You can stand there in the dark cussin' at the night Or you can just reach out your hand and turn on the light There ain't no limit in this life to how far you can get But if you're goin' all the way you gotta break a sweat It ain't the smoke, it's the fire that gets the burnin' done If it wasn't for the bullet, nobody'd fear the gun It ain't the bark, it ain't the growl, it's the bite that hurts Thunder's just a noise, boys, lightnin' does the work I've heard thunder talkin' up a storm Rattlin' my windows and knockin' on my door But I've seen lightnin' blow a cypress tree in half The thunder's busy talkin', and lightnin's kickin' It ain't the smoke, it's the fire that gets the burnin' done If it wasn't for the bullet, nobody'd fear the gun It ain't the bark, it ain't the growl, it's the bite that hurts Thunder's just a noise, boys, lightnin' does the work Thunder's just a noise, boys, lightnin' does the work "Lightning Does the Work" by Chad Brock (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, April 13, 2006 |
What a great night! Maybe I'll actually be able to sleep tonight unlike the last few nights. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
-- darkitecture (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, April 12, 2006 |
I dont think anyone noticed but last night as I was sitting in life group, my eyes just filled up with tears. It was the first time that I was on the verge of crying... and I dont know what prompted it while I was there but I was just feeling so alone.... I kept thinking of all the people that just turn their backs on me and dissappeared.... Why? What did I do so wrong? After I dropped Robin off last night and was on my way back to the data center, my eyes filled up with tears again. I dont understand why people cant be honest with me.... You dont have to tell me I'm attractive because there is apparently only a few people that would ever think that.... and I havent met any such person... at least not face to face. Dont tell me I'm attractive if you dont think so... but dont try to humor me... just flat out tell me. Be honest.... Maybe I'm not attractive but there isnt anything I can do about it... and maybe someday I'll find a girl that will look more towards my insides than my outside appearance. But then again, am I any better internally? If I was a great person internally, that should mean I would have more friends that want to be around me, right? I just dont understand it.... And this is really painful for me.... it has been for a while.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Anyone looking to convert fully to Linux (like I plan to someday), here is a very useful site. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 |
The Dell De-Crapifier (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
To me, money is a need to live but it is nothing more than that. God can and will provide for my needs.... above and beyond our needs, He promised to bless those that love Him.... Even within the church, people still seem to believe that this blessing will always (or should always) be in the form of money.... but there is nothing that supports this idea. Recently there has been a lot dumped on me by people telling me that I am not applying myself. People telling me that I have more potential and I could really excel in many areas of technology. Sure, this may be true.... but what does it mean to excel? This is where the incredible difference comes into play. My idea of exceling is accomplishing my goals, including the goal of helping others. My salary does not reflect on me exceling. In fact, my salary really means nothing to me other than whether I am able to live or not. I know I could be making more.... I knew that only a few months after starting at Carpathia. Only 7 months after starting at Carpathia I was flown to Texas for an interview with Dell. Those interviews went incredibly well and it was for a job that I would have really enjoyed. Dell went into a hiring freeze but was told that they definately wanted to hire me.... later, I dropped the pursuit of that job. I'm stupid, right? That depends on what logic you judge me by. By that point in my life I had begun being involved more and more in my church. The things that I was doing for New Life were important to me (even back then I really wasnt doing THAT much -- nothing like now, anyway). I had to really question what was important to me. I chose to be a part of New Life and not move away. Also at that time, there weren't any issues with Carpathia and I really enjoyed my job there. It seemed that I was appriciated there even tho my pay was not even near what the market value was. It didnt matter to me. I was able to accomplish things that I want to accomplish -- I was able to server God in ways that I would not have been able to had I accepted any of the higher paying jobs that were on the table. Recently, the same has occured even with working at MFC.... But working at MFC is awesome because of the freedom that I have in scheduling.... I can be at my church's office when I'm needed. I can really take time to focus on the things that are important to me.... taking the ideal job for most people would be a failure on my part. Working 9-5 would destroy my ability to do the work at New Life and this isnt an option. This is why I turned down the job that was offered to me that almost doubled my salary. Stupid, right? Again -- depends on your logic and how you judge success. To me, I am proud of the decissions that I have made and I believe that I am happier where I am now than if I accepted a job making $70k. The other thing that has recently been happening is this issue of moving again. I end up in this situation where Keith wants to move to Gainesville but its really too far away from me and it would raise my costs. Could I afford it? Probably.... but there are issues.... if there is a long commute for me, that means less that I can actually be working in a day. My response times for both MFC and New Life would be decreased. Costs would go up not only for rent but also for my gas tank. I've decided that I need to stay in the Herndon/Sterling/Dulles area. Combine this with the above paragraph and a money issue arises. I need to be able to afford my own place now.... Ok, so I screwed up, right? Well, yea, you guessed it -- what logic are you using? Staying in this area means being able to do more things that God wants me to do... and in that, He will provide.... and already He has opened a huge door. I have an option of moving back to the Leesburg area and renting off of a family. My rent will go down. It is a little more of a drive for me than Herndon but its not Gainesville and the extra costs in gas are made up and then some by the lower rent. It's not officially decided what is going to happen at this point but the evidence of God opening a door is there. Even if Keith and I would decide this week to stay in Herndon, I have seen the faithfulness of God. Bottom line is I am happy where I am at. There isnt anything wrong with $100k salaries... and I'm human and would certainly enjoy having a salary like that. But with higher salaries come additional costs. In my case, so far, the cost has been limiting me with my visions, my goals, and my desire to serve God. This is not a cost that I can accept and in making a change like that would certainly reduce my happiness -- even tho the natural human logic says I would be happier with more money. Happiness and success should not be based on how much someone makes. Happiness is something deeper than any shallow human situation. Success is something that is only in the eye of the beholder. I dont care if I am viewed as successful. What people think of me is becomming less and less important to me. To me, I will strive to do my best but I will not measure "my best" on how much money I make. I may not be the role model Christian.... I may not be a role model anything.... but I am doing my best and striving to be better. It's my hope that this is what my friends, family, etc would judge my success on. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, April 09, 2006 |
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--Scott Adams (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, April 07, 2006 |
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hey, was just thinking about you and was wanting to tell you I really thought you did some cool things that I respected, like sharing some thoughts on homosexuals, which some Christians have some major issues with sometimes, and that you hugged me and others (I think we have a major defiecincy of affection in NOVA), and mainly just your attitude this week, you have just seemed others focused, able to be very good natured, and fun to be around. It was just encouarging. I know you have been strugggling up and down a lot lately, and often it might not make sense. God never promises that (Is.55). But I know God has the best for you and wants to bless you in many ways. And He has already so much, fo you to share with others. Thanks for sharing some of your thoughts and smiles with me and our friends this week. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, April 06, 2006 |
I dont even want to know what's next..... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
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(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, April 05, 2006 |
Please note that as of this blog post, this site is being affected by the slashdot effect. If you get an error trying to get the site, just keep trying. This article makes some pretty good points.... one of my favorite quotes is: "The typical geek trains their brain to be heavily focused while multitasking day after day. Is it surprising that this same brain does not do well when forced to isolate down to one task?" Maybe this is why its harder to get me on the phone than by email.... actually, I know it is. I'm so used to doing more than one thing at a time that picking up the phone keeps me from being productive in multiple other projects that I am working on..... *sigh* ... Maybe sometime the real humans will understand us geeks...... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
surgery (next couple days). I guess they found a mass in his colon and they are pretty sure its cancer. If everyone could keep him in your prayers, I would really appreciate it. Thanks! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, April 04, 2006 |
To answer that question I think means going to Heaven and just asking God to His face. As a human, I dont believe we posses the ability to understand this logic... at least not fully. It seems like there is a fine line drawn between what comes about per "chance" and what comes about because of our actions. I was thinking about my emotional struggles tonight and I surprisingly thought of Paul. Paul questioned himself many times. Paul was a role model sinner, if you will. One of the greatest things he questioned about himself is why he goes on doing the things that he doesnt want to do and vice versa. This is a key to the Christian life because we are supernatural beings inside of a carnal body. There is a constant struggle for everyone, I believe. Here's the thing I have really been pondering. Can Paul's question of what he does and doesnt do inside the physical realm also apply to what we feel in our emotions? I have this idea of who I should be and how I should act. But it's not always the way I act. How should I respond to people.... How should I respond to anything? I know one thing for certain is that I really dont want to paint a picture that I am some super person for certain things that I do. I dont think I'm doing anything incredible.... nothing above and beyond what I am called to do and what I am supposed to do. Maybe I do alot related to item x and item y but those items are things that God has equipped me to do. Someone who is skilled with item a and item b may not realize how much they are doing in those items but they only see what I accomplish with x and y. It's been my prayer for a while that these emails and my blog would be testimonies to people that believe that I'm doing great things to realize that I'm not doing great things in comparison to what God has given every single person. I am doing the same thing that everyone else is capable of doing and may (should) already be doing.... just maybe in a different way. However, at the same time that I don't wnat to seem like a super person or that I'm doing anything great, it is really nice to hear compliments.... but then, how do I take those? I dont want to be better than anyone else.... but yet I want to be complimented them, which often causes me to feel better than someone else. Why do I think like this? How should I respond when someone compliments me on something that I have done for God? This picture may be a little dramatized, but I believe it's very close to what Paul was saying about the sins he kept commiting even tho he didnt want to. And maybe emotions arent sins but it seems very similar to the same principal. Additionally, it seems that this is the way we are made. We have a constant struggle against ourselves and if you think about it, that is a direct result of the fall of man. We were not created with the knowledge of good and evil but it was when we sinned that we gained this knowledge and, as a result, brought judgement on ourselves. I often stuggle with the fact that so many of my friendships fall away and basically every one of my relationship end abruptly. Mentally, that is a hard thing to take. People tell me to not take it personally and they tell me that its not me.... but in science, you always look at the common denominator and that is me in this case. What am I doing wrong/different? Maybe the answer really is nothing.... Maybe it's that people dont understand me which is expected since I cant even understand myself. All of us are in this struggle together. It may seem harder for me but I think, again, it really is the same for everyone. All of us just respond differently. It does seem like in today's society, the answer is always to run. When things get tough we just try to escape it instead of pressing on. Last night as I was falling asleep I heard a song on the radio that had lyrics that said if your going through hell you should just keep on going because maybe you'll get through it before the devil even knows your there. Maybe this is why in today's society we struggle so much..... when we start going through hell, we stop and just camp out. Maybe we're meant to struggle through things with people so that we can push each other and get out of the hell that we're in. Jesus Himself descended into hell to take the keys.... He had a purpose for being there and I think the "hell" that we go through serves a purpose as well. As humans, especially as Christians, we need to stop giving up and keep pushing. If your friend is having a hard emotional time, be there with them -- whether you understand it or not. Spend more time with them and maybe you'll understand a little more about what he/she is experiencing and when you go through the same thing you'll have a better understanding from the start. Maybe you really dont understand whats going on in your friend's mind.... Try to.... but dont act like you know.... just learn from the situation. When people are confused, they need to be around others. I think this is the way we were created. Many great heroes of the Old Testament had their counter-part. Moses and Aaron were a good example. What would have happened if Aaron didnt understand what "nonsense" Moses was talking about and just left him all alone? You never know when you are put in a position to not only help a friend, but save the world. Don't give up on people! The entire book of Acts is a story of unity. Great things happened when people got together. All of us want to see more revival fall upon us, but yet we're not willing to make sacrifices to help our friends? I think this is something every single one of us is guilty of and I think it's something we need to change the most. Tonight at life group it was brought up that the measure of Christianity is love. It was even said in 1st Corinthians that the greatest of everything is Love. We need to stop giving up and start loving. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, April 03, 2006 |
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Can we put a man on the moon And still have a need For a place like St. Judes And why is one man born In a place where all they know is war A guy like me, Has always been free And how can two people Who built a loving home Try for years And never have a child of their own And somewhere out there tonite There is a baby no ones holding tight In need of love To me that don't add up CHORUS: But I wasnt there you filled up the ocean I didn't get to see you hang ths stars in the sky So I do'nt mean to second guess you Or criticize what I don't understand These are just a few questions I have And why did my cousin Have to die in that crash A good kid Only seventeen I still wonder 'bout that It seems unfair to me Some get the chance to chase their dreams And some don't What do I know CHORUS: I wasn't there You filled up the ocean I didn't get to see You hang the stars in the sky So I don't mean to second guess You Or criticize what I don't understand These are just a few questions I have Why do I feel like You hear these prayers of mine When so many outta be Ahead of me in line When you look down on me Can you see the good through all the bad These are just a few questions I had "A Few Questions" by Clay Walker (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I guess I need to just get my butt to bed..... *sigh* (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, April 02, 2006 |
Church was also really good as always. We didnt have a big group for lunch and who did go went to bajha fresh and im not a fan of mexican so I just hung out with them.... it was nice but I was somewhat out of it at that time.... I really needed a chance to hang out with someone tho.... It's amazing when God answers your prayers and its also amazing when you're run down and feel like there is no hope, God will give you something to keep you going. Even if He doesnt give you what your wishing for, he'll give you a reminder that the final result is still in progress. I'm going to head to the data center here shortly and do some things and then get to bed somewhat early. Hope everyone has a great week! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
This is just an example of why finding the right girl to marry is so important. And don't get me wrong, there is nothing that Tiff did wrong.... This problem was internal to me..... My life has been getting progressively better and I'm loving every moment of it. A crucial factor was removing the attachment I had to Tiff..... It feels so much better now. I can clearly focus on what God wants for me and that includes finding the girl that God wants for me. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, April 01, 2006 |
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Whew... after reading slashdot for a while, I feel the incredible urge to sign up for Google Romance. I'm feeling like I might be gay so maybe Google Romance can help me find that perfect guy in my life! >:) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved
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