Sunday, October 31, 2004 |
Am I HOT OR NOT? - Rate Me! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
The truth is... all of this could be so much better... I think.... the problem is that in this chess game, im not the one to make the next move..... but until that move is made, I'm scared... I'm scared of alot.... I worry now... why? just simply because Tiff isnt online. If there is one person worse than me right now, its her... and I worry.... The doctors arent there for me... my friends are only around to tell me what they think im doing wrong... I mean... come on people.... Argh... I'm getting upset again... I better go.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
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And so I start another great day..... someone shoot me, please. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away All this time you were pretending So much for my happy ending So much for my happy ending (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, October 30, 2004 |
Tiff isnt online... she's prolly out having a good time with Jim.... Parents arent home... they're at a party.... no one is online at all.... not that they'd wanna talk to me anyway.... Where the hell am I? At home alone.... this is bull' I hate my life.... so bad. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I shouldnt be here.... I shouldnt be alive..... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I had a long talk with someone last night that I needed to.... honestly, it helped alot but it just painted a picture of just how stupid the entire situation is.... I'm ok this morning.... but I am a little down.... I'll have my evening tonight.... but... well, yea... no one will be there with me.... *sigh* (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, October 29, 2004 |
but yea, last night someone really helped me.... now Im not allowed to talk to her.... its amazing how rules apply to some people and not others... really kind of upsetting.... but im not allowed to have people to help me.... heaven forbid that I feel good for once..... Someday maybe I'll meet a girl and she'll be the one for me and there wont be an issue.... someday maybe..... ok, im not banking on it..... I'm really going downhill for the day... I guess I better just get my butt in bed before I get more pissed off. *sigh* (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
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Thursday, October 28, 2004 |
.... and now I get ready to drive to VA.... just another parts of my mundane week... I really hate my life.... I hate being alone.... I hate it all.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
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Wednesday, October 27, 2004 |
I'm tired of it... I'm tired of being lonely... I'm tired of being all alone in this world... no one to talk to or to hug or to cry on..... no one to cuddle with... no one.... I am hurting really bad.... REALLY bad... I cant take this much longer.... I really need a miracle.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I really wish I could just cut the whole last year out... ... well, maybe 2.... go back to when I was in school and Tiff and I were really close and new that we were only going to become closer.... those were good times.... and I miss them bad.... now we sit here screwed up in the head.... *sigh* ... ok, i'll stop for now.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I really cant wait until Nov. 8th... I need to see a therapist badly. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I really need some serious prayer. Truth be told I was crushed when I found out tanya went back to Eli's dad.... it really just broke my heart.... and its not because "shes not mine" but because... well, there are alot of reasons that I need not go into... I'm worried.... No, this isnt why im in bad shape... I was starting to go downhill before that for some reason.... Im just tired of the same old stuff.... and then when the bad stuff repeats it's self it hurts even more. I dont know what the future holds and Im not paitient enough to wait... I could be if I had friends who wanted to do stuff.... no one understand how bad I want it to snow. I need to get up on the slopes badly... thats really the ONLY thing I can do.... and the only thing I dont mind doing alone. Im gonna get back to work... I just needed to take a min to blog. Please continue to keep me in your prayers. Thanks! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, October 26, 2004 |
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Monday, October 25, 2004 |
... but.... first of all... I havent heard from Tanya in so extremely long.... I emailed her once... called her once.... havent heard from her.... tonight my mom told me that she was back with Eli's dad.... I just wanted to cry.... ok.. maybe I did a little.... Im really starting to hate myself for breaking up with her.... maybe we werent perfect together but at least... well, at least she was happy and in good shape.... not that I was it... but she was.... and well... I dunno... I guess I shouldnt be worried but I am.... and if Eli's dad is why she hasnt talked to me... that just hurts really bad. .... THEN.... I havent even so much as seen Tiff online... no posts to her blog... I just want to know she's ok... but I dont.... all this adds to what has already been going on..... I guess I've made some seriously stupid decissions and ive not been there to help others.... I really am not feeling too proud of myself.... Maybe I deserve this? (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
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I just wanna cry..... this day is NOT getting better... its only getting worse... so much for setting up my fish tanks and getting to bed early. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Last night was horribly bad.... I dont really know why... it just was..... and im glad it's over..... I actually havent got off to a good start today either.... slept in... rolled out of bed.... I'm really hoping for the best for today..... Petsmart better have the tank I want.... if not, I'm just going to bed to forget it all..... I really feel like I'm going nutso again.... I'll be fine.... I know I will.... I'm just kinda out of it at the moment. Well, I'm at work now... so I'm gonna end this post.... there will more than likely be more later. Just keep me in your prayers.... I'm tired of being lonely and bored. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Argh... I'm really frustrated... at least tomorrow should be a better day.... I should be getting another aquarium for my baby fish.... I cant wait to fall asleep... I really cant..... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, October 23, 2004 |
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But I'm finally home! Nite Nite (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, October 22, 2004 |
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Thursday, October 21, 2004 |
Thanks! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
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Wednesday, October 20, 2004 |
Ok... where to start. First of all... I am really dealing with something.... I still have not gotten over the decision that was made for me by close friends while I was in the hospital. Deciding for me that I should not be talking to Tiff was the single most destroying thing that happened to me. The worst part is, it was good intentions. So how do you treat that. You would hope that seeing upon how bad it hurt that some people might realize that maybe it wasnt the best thing..... but thats not what has happened. I know of 4 people invovled. Jason, Jim, my mom, and Matt..... and ive been working this through with each one of them. My guess is that Matt doesnt even realize what happened.... he was just asked some questions. My next guess that is when I talk to my mom about it, she is going to lie. Only because she doesnt want to hurt me.... Jim is right there with Jason but yet understands that defensiveness is bad.... thank God for one friend that realized that interfering would be bad and just didnt get involved. Anyway... thats the first thing on my mind. Second thing on my mind.... my life needs to get back in order.... and I NEED TO GET BACK TO GOD! Thirdly... I wish that I could help Tiff... but yet I know I cant. Fourth... I cant wait to get back into counseling a little bit. Fifth... finances. Ok.. so what happens now? I, of course, had 4 hours to think about this while it was on my mind the entire drive home from VA today. Finances... eating out.. bad.... also, eating out with Jim and Jason.... honestly... its bad for my mood right now. I dont really know why but its been eating at me. So I stopped at Wal Mart tonight and picked up groceries... I'm going to give this a shot. What else? I'm going to try to cut WAY back on pop.... caffeine is SOOO bad for me in this situation.... looks like the pop machine at CCI is gonna take a hit. I dug out my old cooler.... bought some sandwhich bags and a case of water as well as others.... I'm walking into CCI tomorrow with a laptop on my back and a cooler in my hand. And then I started to think how am I going to handle a 1/2 hour lunch (yes, 1/2 hour... that means each day I will be getting an extra 1/2 hour of pay since I wont be taking an hour lunch - more good finances)..... Well, I need to get back to God... the reading before I go to bed isnt helping... so what better to suplement a sandwich than the good ol' fashioned WORD OF GOD. Honestly, I dont know how this is going to work out. My desire for the Lord is not where is should be but I'm going to try to devote time at lunch to read and to pray. It will only take me a few mins to eat as it usually does and its not fair to go back to work right away since I wont be getting paid for that half hour... so I'm going to go off to the side and read.... I'm gonna try it... I sure hope it works... I need God back. Well, not that He ever left... I guess I just need to look back to Him. Situation with those that hurt me? Well, that is going to have to be left to God right now. I am coping pretty well with that situation right now... it is hurting but that is the extent of it.... even Jason said how much ive matured and noted that when we actually talked about that situation I did not blow up.... I dont want to... it will do no good. I just need to leave it in the Lord's hands.... He knows how much it hurt me and if something needs done, the Lord will guide each person involved... I do need to talk to Matt tomorrow tho and just get things cleared up between me and him.... he is definately still my best friend.... I also really need to consider something else... bowling monday nights..... financially its not good, and emotionally it might not be either... I love bowling but im not liking going there every monday night... plus things in the league are just not right, and... thats another day I could ski per week..... I guess I'll need to talk to my dad about that... but gosh... thats gonna hurt me to do it and hurt him if it comes to me pulling out of the league.... I dont know. Either way... for most of the things that came up, I think I have really good plans for them.... I just pray that I can carry them through.... Keep me in your prayers.... and keep Tiff in your prayers too.... as for her... I need to know... but I cant be involved.... before I was there to lead her into making the right decissions.... its not my turn this time... it's hers. The only thing I can do is sit and watch... but I'm thankful that I am able to watch... I need that.... she needs that..... and by all means, if she makes a right decission and needs help... I'll be here.... she just has to make that decission.... it's hers to make... not mine. Thanks to all who have been praying.... I'm going to pack a lunch (I cant believe I just used those words) and then head to bed. Good night all! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
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Tuesday, October 19, 2004 |
I really need to put this out in the open.... I am hurting at times right now... things are rough on me... I am coping and I really am doing just fine. But please, when I am down, do not think or assume that it is because of one reason or another. It makes it very tough on me when one person assumes that its one thing and starts giving me advice based on that assumption. I am better, everyone. The hospital helped and the outpaitient program helped... as well as my new meds. I am doing ok... I'm doing fine... but I hurt just like every single one of you do sometimes... and we all get through it.... but just because 2 months ago I couldnt handle it does not mean that I cant handle it now.... I need to be trusted with my own life again. Thanks for listening, everyone. I needed to get that out.... and I wasnt pointing fingers at anyone... SO much was done for me that I appriciate greatly.... everything meant alot to me... I just need the time now to start getting my life back on track... and flat out... I have to find my first love again... and before anyone attacks that, I am reffering to my God. If you want to help, pray that I get back to Him. *hugz* to everyone... and thanks again! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
And yes... I'll get through this too.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
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Sunday, October 17, 2004 |
Bob, being a fellow manic depressive & married to one I know how you feel. It's so much easier to hide away from the world when you're alone. But it's in that isolation we get those crazy ideas that our lives don't matter. Then as we dwell on the pain it intensifies until it doesn't matter if we live or not. Not always suicidal but just kinda hoping to crawl in some dark hole & sleep until there's a better day. Of course reason says if you're sleeping how are you going to know it's a better day. LOL! But who ever said MD was rational? But force yourself to go eat at a soup kitchen & visit a mission & notice the needs. See something you're good at, jump right in & help. Very few will object. You have to climb outside yourself. Don't know why it works. But it does. There are worse things than being alone. It took a really wrong marriage to prove it to me. I was alone for the better part of 5 yrs. & in several bad relationships just to keep from being alone. It was when I made up my mind I was going to quit focusing so much on finding someone & turned my attention to others & improving my life things began changing. It sounds like pop psychology until you get it out of your head & into your heart. But it's true. Life really is worth living despite the suffering. Oh btw I say Go Bush,too. Posted by alwayshope to BibleBoy's Blog at 10/17/2004 05:58:08 PM --- End Comment --- Yaknow.... well, it speaks for it's self.... And to "alwayshope" ... thanks! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
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Saturday, October 16, 2004 |
http://bm12f51.voteornot.org/ (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
give me LOVE, give me LIBERTY, DISCO the place everybody in the family's found on that day, we will all be happy people when LOVE, LIBERTY, DISCO's in town and if I told you there's somebody who loves you would you say, hey, show me that face and if I told you that true freedom was actual would you say, hey, take me to that place and if I said there is a family a body that moves as one oh do you feel the LOVE that invites us, the LIBERTY that excites us the DISCO has just begun it's just begun -Chorus- and as we step into in the light of the lover we're all the same, there's no rich or poor and, you know it's never been good for a man to be alone so come on in your name's on the door what are we waiting for? - Chorus - all our fears are turning 'round fall down and meet your maker where our true selves we'll be found callin' out to every lonely soul - Chorus (5x) - (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Ironed things out with Jason... he's not gonna call tiff anymore but most of all, I understand everything alot better... and so does he. Tiff is at a point in my life where she needs to be. I cant help her... but maybe I can point her in the right direction. We talked for a while tonight... it was good. Im tired.. construction and traffic was bad.... nite nite (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, October 15, 2004 |
Well I'm about to start my long EICOMM day. Hopefully all of us have good days! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, October 14, 2004 |
When I first started talking to tiff it was never an issue of friendship not working unless we were together, but that has been twisted. I said time and time again that the fact that we're not together doesnt hinder me... the fact that shes with Jim does. There were alot of promises made.... alot of things said.... and it all related to Jim. She says time and time again how bad things are with him and I guess not only does that bug me from before but because of the fact I care about her, I dont want to see her go through that. It's just not right for her.... if things arent going well, and especially after some things I've heard.... why is she still with him? That is what is killing me. You can kindly disregard this post... it's evident somehow that I dont know what im talking about.... I dont really care... and Tiff is the worst thing in my life apparently. Its my life... and im not fit to control it.... so just ignore all of this... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, October 13, 2004 |
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Kerry: "The president hasnt addressed the question" Are you freaking kidding me? And there are people who are really going to vote for Kerry? (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, October 12, 2004 |
I did really well today... and I still am doing well... I had a little bit of rage that lasted only for a short time and I made sure that apologies were made after it. I'll be ok... I'm sure of it. This time in my life is harder than ever before.... then again I have never loved this much than ever before.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I'm going to bed soon... I really hope I feel better when I wake up. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, October 11, 2004 |
Just to let everyone know... I am still doing very well... Im still a little upset that many people just ignored my mass email asking a question.... but thats life. I can live with or without friends. Time to get ready for the day! Have a good one! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, October 10, 2004 |
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Saturday, October 09, 2004 |
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Cause it's all in my head I think about it Over and over again And I can't keep Picturing you with him And it hurts so bad Yeah, cause it's all in my head I think about it Over and over again I replay it Over and over again And I can't take it I can't shake it, no I can't wait to see you Wanna see if you still got that Look in your eye That one you had for me Before we said our goodbyes And it's a shame that we Gotta spend our time Being mad about the same things Over and over again About the same thing Over and over again Oh but I think she's leaving on And she's leaving here And I don't know what else to do (Can't go on not loving you) Cause it's all in my head I think about it Over and over again And I can't keep Picturing you with him And it hurts so bad Yeah, cause it's all in my head I think about it Over and over again I replay it Over and over again And I can't take it I can't shake it, no I remember the day you left I remember the last breath You took right in front of me When you said that you would leave I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you Or say anything But I see clearly now And this choice I made keeps Playing in my head Over and over again It play in my head Over and over again Oh but I think she's leaving on And she's leaving here And I don't know what else to do (Can't go on not loving you) Cause it's all in my head I think about it Over and over again And I can't keep Picturing you with him And it hurts so bad Yeah, cause it's all in my head I think about it Over and over again I replay it Over and over again And I can't take it I can't shake it, no Now that I realize That I'm going down From all this pain you Put me through Everytime I close my eyes I like it down Oh, I can't go on not loving you Cause it's all in my head I think about it Over and over again And I can't keep Picturing you with him And it hurts so bad Yeah, cause it's all in my head I think about it Over and over again I replay it Over and over again And I can't take it I can't shake it, no Cause it's all in my head I think about it Over and over again And I can't keep Picturing you with him And it hurts so bad Yeah, cause it's all in my head I think about it Over and over again I replay it Over and over again And I can't take it I can't shake it, no -- Nelly Ft/ Tim McGraw "Over and Over" (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, October 08, 2004 |
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Thursday, October 07, 2004 |
It's not like we're dead Was it something I did? Was it something You said? Don't leave me hanging In a city so dead Held up so high On such a breakable thread You were all the things I thought I knew And I thought we could be You were everything, everything that I wanted We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away All this time you were pretending So much for my happy ending It's nice to know that you were there Thanks for acting like you cared And making me feel like I was the only one It's nice to know we had it all Thanks for watching as I fall And letting me know we were done You were everything, everything that I wanted We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away All this time you were pretending So much for my happy ending -- Avril Lavigne (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, October 06, 2004 |
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The day was ok.... the night is gonna be even better because I can sleep.... good news is I still have 3 baby platies.... im amazed honestly. Tomorrow is my last day in IOP... I'm really happy for that... I can get back to more of my life...... Well, thats all for now.... things are still going well. Thank you everyone for your prayers! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
"Nah, its just we have faster cars so it's more evident" ... gotta love it :) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
-- Mikey (961 Kiss FM Freak Show) sad thing is he is right.... What's wrong with Biblical principal? Now we have non Christians making fun of the fact that its gone. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, October 05, 2004 |
Darby came down and was looking at my fish tank and said "why do you have minnows in there" ... I was like WHAT?.... I looked... sure enough my red platy (moon) was dead and there were little baby platies swimming around. I was able to get 3 seperated and then took a drive to Pet Supplies Plus which was the only pet store open.... ended up buying them some food and a net breeder so they should be safe.... I cant believe I have baby fish.... I hope that I can keep them alive... it's kinda cool.... but gesh... I am rapidly learning so much about fish the hardware.... I guess when you have 6 tanks you gotta expect stuff like this... Anyway, I'm grabbing a quick snack and going to bed... goodnight. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Today at IOP I found out that Thursday is my last day for sure. Next week I'll be able to get back to my regular schedule.... I'm looking forward to that. Well I set myself an 8pm bedtime tonight so I can catch up... lets hope I can keep it. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I got one project done which was redoing my printing system on my network. The new printer works great... its a nice little thing... anyway... as im finishing that up my aunt calls and needs someone to talk to.... she came down and the night started...... just... well upsetting in some ways... scary in others.... she really needs some serious prayer and help... but I have to say she is working harder to get better.... which I think it why things are so tough right now.... either way I didnt blow up a tube of super glue so, yaknow... thats all good. Sometimes I do wish we could go back a few years.... I wanna go back in time... to when me and tiff were together and I wasnt dealing with that crap... and back when my aunt and uncle tim were together and no one was dealing with that either.... I just miss those days... but whether either of us get to a position where we are with the people that made us the happiest, I know that we'll be happy again.... I can at least say that for myself. It LOOKS like I might actually get to bed before 2am.... but im not holding my breathe :) ... gosh I need some sleep tho... early night for me tomorrow I hope.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, October 03, 2004 |
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Thanks to all who are praying.... I'm doing fine... but its God thats pulling me through this.... and your prayers are definately helping there! I know my finances will be there in about 3 weeks or a month... its just gonna be rough in the meantime. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thanks to all who are praying.... I'm doing fine... but its God thats pulling me through this.... and your prayers are definately helping there! I know my finances will be there in about 3 weeks or a month... its just gonna be rough in the meantime. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Got home and had a few messages... a couple were very interesting.... I dont understand how someone can wish something because of something bad.... but if that person made it so she didnt have to wish for it and had it they probably wouldnt need help anyway..... ok so there is some sense in there somewhere.... try to figure it out if you want... if you dont, oh well.... i'm not gonna think about it much more.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Got home and had a few messages... a couple were very interesting.... I dont understand how someone can wish something because of something bad.... but if that person made it so she didnt have to wish for it and had it they probably wouldnt need help anyway..... ok so there is some sense in there somewhere.... try to figure it out if you want... if you dont, oh well.... i'm not gonna think about it much more.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thanks! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
"whats over your head is under His feet" (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Oh the Blood of Jesus Oh the Blood of Jesus It washes white as snow -- And I....... I'm desperate for You And I....... I'm lost without You (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Oh the Blood of Jesus Oh the Blood of Jesus It washes white as snow -- And I....... I'm desperate for You And I....... I'm lost without You (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, October 02, 2004 |
Patiently waiting by the phone Hoping that you will call me home The pain inside my love denied Hopes and dreams swallowed by pride Everything I need it lies in you -- 12 Stones "Broken" (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
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Friday, October 01, 2004 |
I really am doing well tho. Things will get better. Whether this blog made any sense or not, thanks for letting me vent. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved
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