BibleBoy's Blog: May 2006

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

The next couple of months at my life group are going to be painful for me I think. We're dealing with relationship.... and I left tonight really down.... One question that was asked generally was "Who do you rely on most? God, People, or your self" .... immediately an answer popped into my head... it was quite simple "I've given up" ... I didnt mention it out loud... after that question I kinda zoned out.... As much as I put effort into doing things for people, I've realized that I've pretty much given up on me... which may be why I dont say no to people when I'm too busy.... If I'm going to be misserable anyway, why not at least use that misery to help someone else.... at least someone can be happy. The reality of the situation is that I dont think I can do anything and as much as I seemingly trust people, somewhere I dont trust them and I believe that every human being will let me down and destroy me worse than I am. I made the decission before that I wasnt going to trust a girl so easily again.... and I did.... and when that backfired on me almost exactly a year ago, I think I've lost the ability to trust that anyone will help me or will take an interest in me. I cant rely on myself and I cant rely on others... the biggest problem of all is that while I'm serving God, I'm having huge issues trusting Him to make everything ok for me.... I'll say these words again and some people will read them here again and passively move onto the next website and forget them because I apparently dont know what I'm talking about.... but I'm emotionally a wreck.

The most pain of all tonight tho.... finding out that I'm not capable of a friendship, let alone a relationship. What I desire the most, I'm not even able to have.

And my sammy is back in PA.... tonight would be the night I'd love to hop in and drive around for a while...

Posted @ 11:44 PM // 1 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

So after a few odds and ends such as wiper blades, my sammy is legal.

Now on the other hand, leesburg is still hell with this plane crash thing. And add rush hour. In the famous words of a candy bar commerical - "not going anywhere for a while?"

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So, yea - my sammy passed VA emmissions. I didn't do a safety inspection yet so I'm not sure about that yet. I'm sitting at DmV now so this will be a while. It was really was funny at the shell station because the mechanic was so positive it was not gonna pass.... When he came out of the bay he was like "well amazingly it passed" and I asked why he said it like that and whether it was a close call or something and he said he didn't have the readings yet. Later he handed my the paper and WOW.... The co% reading was dead 0 and the limit for hc ppm was 241 and I got 28 and NO ppm limit is 1592 and I got 891.... So shes in good shape emmissions wise.

On a side note, there is apparently a plane crash in leesburg. I wondered what all the traffic was for (even more than typical leesburg traffic) and someone had mentioned a plane crash. I did notice rt15 was closed which is somehat close to the airport. Crazy stuff.

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She passed emmissions

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So me and my sammy made it to VA.... 30 miles per gallon and used absolutely no oil... :) Now to see if the Commonwealth of VA thinks its safe *crosses fingers*

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Monday, May 29, 2006

Woooo!!!! Taking the Sammy to VA tomorrow.... its just getting inspected and registered and then my dad is bringing it back to PA but at least we are making progress :) The best part is that this means I get to drive it on the highway tomorrow... I really wanna get it inspected down there soon before something else breaks :)

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Future of video games outside the home

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So today wasnt that bad of a day... I got to drive around in my sammy for a while and I stopped out at Pizza Hut.... I did find out today that I wont get to see Eli this time up here.... I really wish I could have since his birthday is coming up... I hope he knows how much I try to see him tho. I really can't understand how some fathers want nothing to do with their kids.... Eli isnt even my son and it hurts not to be able to see him much....

Hopefully everything tomorrow will be ok despite that. Have a great memorial day!

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Psychology Today: The Art of the Tease

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Sunday, May 28, 2006

I have now been up for 33 hours straight..... yea, I think going to bed is within order... or, at least shortly. But it really was a great show tonight... did I mention that? :)

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Saturday, May 27, 2006

Awesome show!!!! There were over 23,000 people at the show... great great show. Right now we're just sitting in the car... im smarter than all the others apparently because Im sitting here just like them, except they are wasting gas :)

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I have never seen Post Gazzette Pavilion this crowded.... I guess when you actually sell out on lawn seats its pretty freaking crowded.

No matter tho... Rascall Flatts is pretty much gonna rule :)

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So its been day break for quite some time and Im only half way to New
Alex.... Im so just.... I dunno..... I feel like im carrying the whole
world on my shoulders sometime and of course when I need help there is
no one there. On top of that, me being in NoVA is sometimes just like
throwing fresh meat in a lions den.... I cant say no to anyone... I
like helping people.... and the selfishness of NoVA just eats me
alive.... Im so backwards and strange I guess..... Last week I got a
bonus and I figured I'd get something that was actually for me so I
bought a watch..... And the last few days I've just beat myself up over
it.... Should I have bought a watch? That's $30 that I could have used
somewhere else.....

I guess the fortunate thing is that since I dont have many real strong
friendships and places to go and people to hang with I do have stuff to
do with helping so many people and putting alot into everything that I
do.... the bad thing is that, well... it eats me alive and I never get
a break.... but anymore, I dont know if I could take a break for
real.... For me to relax at all, I need to be with someone.... and the
more that time goes by, the less that becomes true.

Then of course this whole week I was so thankful that I was gonna be in
PA this weekend and taking somewhat of a break.... but so far there are
like 3 or 4 projects for me to work on once I get up there.... so much
for that break I guess..... I wanna be there for everyone, but at the
same time..... ahhh, whats it matter.... This me and I guess people
always will take advantage of me since I'm so easy to take advantage
of.... I'll deal.... I have for 26 years now so I guess I should be
used to it.....

Posted @ 8:13 AM // 3 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

God, please take me home.... I cant keep going on anymore.... :(

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Friday, May 26, 2006

First of all, sorry to anyone I screamed at or cussed out today.... I got some xanax in me now thank God....

But honestly, this day is a test, right? If I don't have a heart attack by the end of the day I pass. I slept in today... Big time. But I needed it big time too. But when I woke up I had 7 IMs, 10 text messages, 3 voice mails, and 30 emails (excluding spam - 10 of those were "important"). Apparently something crashed at the data center and my phone was on silent as well so I felt (and still feel) like a total failure there.

So tonight is when I get everything out of keiths.... Still haven't made it there. Decided to stop at Dulles Town Center to get some food.... Walk in and can't move.... Worse yet, its crowded because its some teen screaming can't-sing-worth-shit idol contest.... So there are about 4675432567544315870 screaming 12 year olds.... That is like instant panic attack. Thankfully there are a few hotties my age around the food court to relax me a little.. Lol.

I do gotta get to keiths and get my stuff and clean up, get to the data center and do some work, get home and organize some (alot) stuff, pack, and drive to PA. Thankfully ill be in PA tomorrow through Memorial Day but I'm sure there will be a workload for me up there as well but it shouldn't be too bad. I need a break.

Until today tho, I never realized how much I did and how much I was relied on. I knew I was busy -- insanely busy -- but I guess I didn't realize how important I am to a lot of people.... And honestly, while I feel like I let a lot of people down, I feel better cause I know I'm worth a little more than I thought. I do know one thing.... I apriciate my new roomies putting up with crap of mine in our living room that I haven't got to sort yet. I'm really happy with the arrangement because I live with guys that are new to the area and, as my friend Jodi put it, have not been "nova-ized" .....

Ok time to eat and start getting stuff done.... Right now I'm guessing ill get to PA around 6am-ish.... Thank God my samurai is ready and legal... I plan on having some fun with that.... My only hope is I get to see Eli sometime.

Again, sorry for those I pissed off..... Everyone have a great holiday weekend.

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Freaking crap people..... can the world not go on without me? You sleep in a few hours and its like instant panic attack when you wake up with everyone needing something......

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Thursday, May 25, 2006

PCWorld.com - Google Knocks Microsoft off Dell PCs

Niiiice

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panic attacks suck

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MPAA accused of hiring a hacker

Nothing like breaking the law to damage those that are (supposedly) breaking the law.

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So Virginia gave me an awesome Birthday present..... THEY FINALLY OPENED LOUDON COUNTY PARKWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

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Student faces expulsion for Web post

If you ever thought that school districts are only interested in controlling the minds of their students, this is your proof. Someone says something on his own time, own computer, off of school property and the school district wants to expel him. This is insanity.

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Wednesday, May 24, 2006

So my friends surprised me tonight.... Kim, Becca, and Nathan all met me at KFC/Taco Bell and brought a cake and cards and stuff.... it was really really nice.... its been a while since I was able to hang out with them.... and we really had a good time....

Tho there is one thing tho that really bugged me.... Things arent fair sometimes.... and in this case, its the fact that Becca is going back to Brazil in less than 2 weeks.... it really isnt fair... She's such an amazing person and I really enjoy being around her and to be honest, I've never had hugs from anyone like I have from her.. hehe, may sound odd but she really means alot to me.... I think because in some ways we actually think the same way -- whether we realize it or not.

Add to that that Nathan is leaving Northern VA in about a month and that leaves just me and Kim as the "Origional Four" .... Really sad times.

But it was really nice that my friends surprised me like that.... I dont want to take away from the fun that we had... I was expecting to turn 26 without anyone noticing.... but at least someone did.

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The world without Romania

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05/24 [00:54] cipri: what are the odds that 2 ambulances to run in each other in a crossing?
05/24 [00:54] cipri: it just happened yesterday here in .ro
05/24 [00:54] cipri: too much stupidity kills
05/24 [00:55] cipri: both drivers ignored the signs, both had the alarms and lights on, but each one thought that they have priority

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Sometimes you think you've seen it all..... and then....

NIKE+ : Overview

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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

FSF - Protesters provide a nasty "vista" for Gates

Another link about the protest.... I love it!

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Seattle anti-DRM flashmob | DefectiveByDesign.org

Now this is awesome :) Wish I could have been there because believe me, I would have been in one of those yellow suits!

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Someone please give me something else to do because I dont really have enough as it is....... And please dont make that anything fun like hanging out or going to a movie with you or something.... I just cant deal with something such as that....

*sigh*

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Water As Fuel Video

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Hey! There is purple rings in my Fruit Loops! Is this something new or has it been THAT long since I've had Fruit Loops?

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Monday, May 22, 2006

Strong Bad Email #152 : ISP

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Sunday, May 21, 2006

When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight

These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember
to kiss the ones you love goodnight

You never know what temporal days may bring
So Laugh, love, live free, and sing
When life is in discord
Praise ye the Lord

Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

Friends

I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

I thought you said forever
Over and over
(And over and over)

These thoughts run through my head

"Paperthin Hymn" by Anberlin

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ok, so I just woke up at 3:30.... So yea, I totally missed church but I really think it may have been a good thing for today. I really needed the extra sleep. Of course, now I have to do some more moving stuff....

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Ok, so the majority of my crap is in my new apartment.... absolutely nothing is set up yet except what is important (this consists of only my bed :) .... I still have to get some odds and ends from my old apartment tomorrow.... basically just like the pictures and posters on the walls and some stuff out of my closet.... well, ok, maybe 2 car loads.... but at least the big stuff is here in my new apartment..... and I am tired.... very very tired..... Honestly, I got up the latest so I dont know how Rob and my dad were able to do it.... I really appriciate their help tho....

Ok, bed time.... and with a little luck I'll actually be able to get up for church.

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Slashdot | MacSaber Turns Your Macbook into a Lightsaber

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Friday, May 19, 2006

Evolution of Dance

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Well, you know those times when you feel like
There's a sign there on your back.
Says: "I don't mind if you kick me,
Seems like everybody has."
Things go from bad to worse.
You think they can't get worse than that an' then they do.

You step off the straight an' narrow,
An' you don't know where you are.
Use the needle of your compass,
To sew up your broken heart.
Ask directions from a genie,
In a bottle of Jim Beam an' she lies to you.

Well, that's when you learn the truth.
If you're goin' through hell,
Keep on goin'.
Don't slow down,
If you're scared don't show it.
You might get out,
'Fore the devil even knows you're there.

Well, I've been deep down in that darkness,
I been down to my last match.
Felt a hundred different demons,
Breathin' fire down my back.
An' I knew that if I stumbled,
I'd fall right into the trap that they were layin', yeah.

But the good news is there's angels,
Everywhere out on the street.
Holdin' out a hand,
To pull you back up on your feet.
The one's that you been draggin' so long,
You're on your knees; you might as well be prayin'.

Guess what I'm sayin',
If you're goin' through hell,
Keep on goin'.
Don't slow down,
If you're scared don't show it.
You might get out,
'Fore the devil even knows you're there.

Yeah, if you're goin' through hell,
Keep on movin'.
Face that fire,
Walk right through it.
You might get out,
'Fore the devil even knows you're there.
Oooh.

If you're goin' through hell,
Keep on goin'.
Don't slow down,
If you're scared don't show it.
You might get out,
'Fore the devil even knows you're there.

Yeah, if you're goin' through hell,
Keep on movin'.
Face that fire,
Walk right through it.
You might get out,
'Fore the devil even knows you're there.

Yeah, you might get out,
'Fore the devil even knows you're there.
Yeah.

"If You're Going Through Hell" by Rodney Atkins

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Prolexic Technologies - Blue Security will be missed

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Dell opts for AMD's Opteron

Its about freaking time! Talk around the data center has constantly been people wanting to by Dell servers but refused because they were all intel based... Times change and occasionally its for the better.

Now if only they could work on a system that actually gets me to sleep when I'm tired :)

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Thursday, May 18, 2006

I am extremely irritable right now.... dont really know why... maybe its just the long week I've had and slight lack of sleep? Either way, Im gonna head to bed and watch some TV and hope to fall asleep quickly.

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Techdirt: Would You Believe The RIAA Would Go Back On Its Word?

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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Day 2 of ISPcon was another good day.

Something being brought to my attention tho.... Our booth is right next to the booth for the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. There are 2 girls running that booth that I have been talking to a good bit during slow times.... Aside from them being really great people, it really got me interested in actually looking at some things regarding children's safety online. Working in the usenet sector, im probably in a position where I could be exposed to this type of thing much more than the normal internet junkie (with the exception of those actually looking for it, of course). Thinking of all of my cousins who are online now and of course my little buddy, Eli, who someday in the not too distant future will be online, I really wanted to read up on more information so I have been checking out www.ncmec.org for the past hour and quite honestly, its been eye opening. And its not really that its new information to me but its information that I never thought of in certain ways -- and its information that I know many parents done have because they dont understand the internet.

I believe very strongly in privacy online but I also believe very strongly in protecting children. Disclosing certain amounts of information is good and bad and many times, the age of the person disclosing that information is the biggest deciding factor. For instance, I am an open book on my blog here... and this is information that I should be able to disclose at my will, however, a 10 year old child that would disclose the same level of information is at a very large risk. Granted, this blog carries a risk to me but its a risk that is worth the benefits and its a risk that I am better able to deal with than a young child or teen.

It is so important for parents to keep an eye on their children while they are on the internet. The scary thing is when you start reading some of the information and you realize that its something that could have (or did) happen to someone you know and are close to.... or even reading it and going "wow, I really shouldnt have said that to that person" or something like that. It's not always a matter of not knowing, but its often a matter of not thinking.

So, hats off to my friends at the NCMEC booth -- and every ISP that is registering with them! Let's do our part in keeping children safe online -- not keeping them offline.

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Slashdot | Blue Security Gives up the Fight

Holy Crap!!! My post to slashdot made front page!

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Record labels sue XM

Freaking A .... WTF is with this day?

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Spam closes web security firm

This is truly sad...... :(

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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

ISPcon Day 1 was actually pretty fun.... Baltimore Harbor is actually a pretty cool place too.... really not too much to report tho :)

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Monday, May 15, 2006

Sometimes encouragement and reassurance can come from the last place that you would expect. I really can't elaborate on this right now (at least not on here) but God really is amazing.

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Sunday, May 14, 2006

In a deep way, I'm the person I that I cant stand. I'm self-centered and a hypocrit. I based my life around Tiff.... around being with her and both of us accomplishing many goals together. I based my life on her being the one there to support me.... Maybe because she was the first person that I saw that fit in my life that could actually be there for me. I screwed up.... and now, I'm paying because of it. Relationships were things that I always seemed to screw up.... Tiff was .... I dunno.... man.... As much as I loved her, I used her.... I used everyone. Its no wonder that I dont have any friends.... I mean, as far as material goes, I'll give to everyone and anyone.... but when it comes to emotions, I'm greedy.... and.... Man, I just screwed up so many people's lives.... because I needed to feel love from someone.... Outside of my family, I dont know that anyone has truly loved me.... not saying they dont, im saying that I never felt that.... and thats my fault.... I screwed up so badly and I dont know that I can fix anything. I'm here in VA and I'm happy with where I'm at. I've got a great job and I've got other companies that would hire me in a heart beat.... I've got so many contacts.... I'm part of a great church....

You think my life is set?

Not at all.... its falling apart.... and I'm trying to deny it. I'm emotionally coming apart and because of my selfishness, there is no one there to help....

Posted @ 6:15 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

ISPCON: Exhibitor Detail

Come visit me at booth #602 at ISP-Con this week in Baltimore.

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Today wasnt a bad day.... but the highlight of my day was something that most would see as really nothing at all. That highlight was when Branson (my pastor's 3 year old son) saw me walking by him in the hall and yelled "Hey Bob" and proceeded to tell me about how all of the lights were off in the auditorium and no one can go in there.... we ended up having a conversation about such a thing.... It really made me smile. Kids have such pure hearts.... and honestly, its only the kids that I know will never hurt me.... The same way that I know Eli loves me and I love him....

If we all took a few moments each day to look back at our lives.... and look at where we are and what we do. Jesus said "Let the little children come unto Me" ... and He said that "this is the Kingdom of Heaven" .... but I dont think that those words of our Savior mean much to any of us .. at least not what they are supposed to mean.

For the first time in a long time I went to lunch with Kim and Becca.... and it was nice.... but I just sat there thinking about all of this... then they all started talking about such and such person is really getting close to this person and they might have found their husband/wife.