Tuesday, August 31, 2004 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, August 30, 2004 |
From: Stephen McGuire <-------@------------> To: Bob K Mertz <----@------------> Reply-to: -------@------------ Subject: Blog... Saw this in the blog and had to respond: ~~~ I so freaking want to go crawl in a hole and freaking die. I'm sick of people around me... they are here for one purpose... to piss me off! I want to die... and I want Tiff to pull the trigger so I can at least give her some satisfaction. ~~~ What is it about Tiff that you can't let go of? You seem pissed that she is able to walk away and yet even when you say to her in chat that you're done you still continue with it. Do you mean what you say or just say it to be mean? I love ya bud but your not making sense. ----- I wanted to post this in my blog with Steve's permission. Do I mean what I say or just say it to be mean? Probably more of the later... the thing that I dont understand is why I do it. Truth is I dont want to be mean to Tiff. I still love Tiff from the bottom of my heart. I am frustrated in that situation but I have been before. And the horrible thing is Im making Tiff out to be a monster.... even though she isnt. And why am I? I dont know. What kills me the most? Tiff cares about me and I dont want to admit it. Yes, she hurt me really bad..... and I feel alot of that pain but as much as I bad mouth her I know she still does care about me. Issues at hand are she is EXTREMELY confused and I am EXTREMELY messed up in the head. Im scared... but I do realize that I am not making any sense... I cant right now. One min im in a very happy mood, the next I wanna punch stuff. Im sorry... I cant make sense.... .... and I said it once in this blog... this is a fountain for my mind.... its spilling my thoughts and right now, all of those messed up thoughts... they will be in here. I really need you to understand that..... understand that... but please dont try to understand my depression/bipolar/panic/etc .... unless you've experienced it yourself. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Fifteen mins ago I wanted to kill someone.... I didnt want to die myself... I want to physically harm someone else.... and it wasnt neccesarily one person ... I was just angry at the world..... This came after cussing tiff out for no apparent reason... she didnt even say anything to me... I just started cussing her out.... then I called her crying.... I caught myself at one point and took my xanax... thats not even what xanax was for but knowing enough about it, it was possible so I took it... it helped... and so I am able to sanely right this blog. I am still shaking quite a bit... This isnt me.... Im scared to death... I am really really scared. My thoughts were WAY too real 15-20 mins ago.... and I had no one to talk to.... maybe thats why I called tiff crying.... I really dont know what happened.... im just scared.... there is really something wrong wtih me.... Ive never had this... this cant be depression... if its bipolar ive never swung toward mania like this... I dont know if its still meds screwed up in my body... I wish to God I could see my doctor before the 13th... Im affraid im going to end up in the hospital... or worse. Im screwing stuff up.... with my relationships... with tiff as well as everyone else. Im out of control... and no one around me is taking me seriously... I should be watched... but im not... Just pray.. please... PLEASE..... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I so freaking want to go crawl in a hole and freaking die. I'm sick of people around me... they are here for one purpose... to piss me off! I want to die... and I want Tiff to pull the trigger so I can at least give her some satisfaction. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
How could you break my heart? Throw away a love that would last forever? How could you break my heart But its over, its over It was your smile that captured me Your love was the only lock and key I love the way it used to be Before we had to disagree I had the time to maybe see I owe your mother an apology Our love would win just you and me I wish you would belong to me How could you break my heart Throw away a love that would last forever How could you break my heart Well its over, its over Chorus 2: Consequences, I guess there is no one left to blame Consequences, you know its always a low down dirty shame Consequences, what goes out will all come round again Consequences, I guess I've learned my lesson now (Chorus 1) I know I've done some stupid things Went out and sold your diamond ring I just cant have remembering How much joy you used to bring And I see that its crystal clear That you were acting out of fear How could you be so insincere And leave me drowning in a pool of tears (Chorus 1) interlude (Chorus 2) (Chorus 2) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, August 29, 2004 |
At least there is some good news....... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Definately some serious issues going on here. Im glad to see that the court's actually did something. Unfortunately, VeriSign will not stop. Verisign truly is worse in my book than Microsoft. With Microsoft products you do have a choice. I can run another OS on my computers (such as I do on my laptop) and gain features and lose features. The unfortunate thing about VeriSign's service is that you have no choice. This is dangerous. They literally are creating havoc in internet technologies and the end user that would prefer to easily see if a domain is being used now has a difficult time since all domains will always appear. And "its easier for users" my butt.... VeriSign is doing one thing again that they have always done well.... cheating people to make money. There is a HUGE revenue stream inside this SiteFinder service. And the day that we would lose the services of ICANN is a very sad day, indeed. There may be very little control over the internet but ICANN is definately needed to control certain aspects of the way the internet works. They make is easy for companies to connect to other companies because there is a basis of how it is done. Without ICANN we may one day see an internet in the US that can communicate with 34 states and then another one that can communicate only with the rest. That's exagerating a bit, but paints a picture of what may happen. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, August 28, 2004 |
At the moment, I am doing fine. I got an email back from Dr. Gaul and between the research I have done and the knowledge he has we know what the problem is. It is not that the Lexapro isnt helping my depression. The problem is the Lexapro is hindering the Lithium and therefore creating serious issues with my bipolar. The route it seems we are going to take is Wellbutrin mixed with Lithium. This should work well. Unfortunately I cant see him until the 13th. I emailed back to him that thats the earliest the office could schedule me so we'll see if he has a median solution. Please pray for me... this could be a rough week. Truth be told right now, Tiff flat out pissed me off. The worst part is, I'm still not over her. This will all turn out ok whether we work things out or not. But I am pretty sure that if we dont work things out this time, its over... well, I'm over her. I cant keep dragging myself through the mud because I love someone. I told Tiff goodbye yesterday... she asked me about the future... like if I ever found the girl of my dreams if I would go back to being friend with her. My answer was "hell no" ... I tried that and I left the girl who was my dreams at the time. Whether Tanya is for me or isnt is irrelevant.... the point is I was pulled away from tanya because of tiff.... Im not going to let that happen again. Tiff has a little bit of time to figure this out and make things right... if she doesnt.... its over... its gotta be. And I know that even tho sometimes I dont feel that God is with me... He is.... and I'm thankful for that. He will get me through this. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
50,000 tears I've cried Screaming, Deceiving, And bleeding for you And you still won’t hear me ....(going under).... Don’t want your hand this time I’ll save myself Maybe I’ll wake up for once (wake up for once) Not tormented daily defeated by you Just when I thought I’d reach the bottom [chorus] I dive again I’m going under (going under) Drowning with you (drowning with you) I’m falling forever (falling forever) I’ve got to break through I’m, going under Blurring and stirring the truth that comes out (so I don’t know what’s real and what’s not) Always confusing the thoughts is my head So I can’t trust myself anymore I dive again I’m going under (going under) Drowning with you (drowning with you) I’m falling forever (falling forever) I’ve got to break through, I’m, so go on and scream Scream at me, so far away I won’t be broken again I’ve got to breathe I can’t keep going under I dive again I’m going under (going under) Drowning with you (drowning with you) I’m falling forever (falling forever) I’ve got to break through, I’m, going under (going under) Going under (drowning with you) I’m going under -Evanesence "Going Under" (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, August 27, 2004 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
.... Friends, I need prayer... this is my last cry for help. I am losing all hope... I am losing my hunger for God. I am losing everything... worst of all, I am losing my will to live. I am hanging on for now.... but I dont know where it goes from here. I'm scared. Will it end before I lose it all? (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(14:40:54) bobkmertzaux: Wanna join me in a mass suicide? (14:41:20) Tiffs Wolf Dance: What will that solve (14:41:20) bobkmertzaux: At least I'll be able to die with you I guess (14:41:26) bobkmertzaux: and then we wont have to deal with anything (14:41:44) Tiffs Wolf Dance: not dealing would be nice (14:42:21) bobkmertzaux: see.. perfect solution (14:42:29) bobkmertzaux: you dont have to deal (14:42:31) bobkmertzaux: I dont have to deal (14:42:38) bobkmertzaux: and at least the last thing I did I shared with you (14:49:29) bobkmertzaux: I give up (14:49:29) Tiffs Wolf Dance (14:49:56) bobkmertzaux: There is no good in this world, btw (14:49:59) bobkmertzaux: well (14:50:01) bobkmertzaux: there is (14:50:06) bobkmertzaux: God was with my cousin Jesse.... (14:50:11) bobkmertzaux: He doesnt like me tho for some reason 14:52 (14:51:59) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I know He has a plan and a place for you (14:52:06) Tiffs Wolf Dance: It will come (14:52:09) bobkmertzaux: bull (14:52:11) bobkmertzaux: I get shit on (14:52:14) bobkmertzaux: time after time (14:52:17) bobkmertzaux: every good situation (14:52:20) bobkmertzaux: every "right" move (14:52:23) bobkmertzaux: I get screwed for (14:53:12) bobkmertzaux: You know nothing anyway (14:53:16) bobkmertzaux: why would I listen to you (14:53:20) bobkmertzaux: you never know how you feel (14:53:27) bobkmertzaux: you can never say this is that and that is this (14:53:31) bobkmertzaux: is always grey area (14:53:40) bobkmertzaux: it would be more like you to say "im not sure if He has a plan for you or not" (14:53:53) bobkmertzaux: either that or you just hide behind I dont knows because you dont want to deal with something (14:55:03) Tiffs Wolf Dance: Well I did say that so, I said it. (14:55:38) bobkmertzaux: why did you even tell me that you saw us getting back together? WHY? (14:55:42) bobkmertzaux: Why did yo HAVE to lie to me again (14:56:11) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I wasn't talking now, or the next 3, 6 months. I was talking someday. (14:56:27) bobkmertzaux: if thats the way you feel, why the hell are you with Jim now? (14:56:49) bobkmertzaux: I wasnt talking now either (14:56:53) bobkmertzaux: I need time to myself too (14:57:02) bobkmertzaux: but when you told me you cant give up on jim (14:57:12) bobkmertzaux: you lied about something... I just dont know what (14:58:36) bobkmertzaux: now you tell me in a year you could see me and you together again? (14:58:37) bobkmertzaux: wtf (14:59:09) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I know I need to be where I am right now. I don't know why. I just do. I can at least get out of bed every morning now. (14:59:19) bobkmertzaux: glad you can (14:59:25) bobkmertzaux: you know (14:59:28) bobkmertzaux: I wanna die so bad (14:59:33) bobkmertzaux: maybe ill just let you pull the trigger (14:59:40) bobkmertzaux: youd enjoy that (14:59:43) bobkmertzaux: and id get what I need (15:00:38) bobkmertzaux: if you can get out of bed because of where you are now than QUIT WHINING ABOUT IT (15:00:45) bobkmertzaux: You did what you wanted.... you are where you wanted to be (15:00:53) bobkmertzaux: You lead your own life (15:01:01) bobkmertzaux: and you choose who you want to screw over and who you dont (15:01:14) bobkmertzaux: If you are truly happy, then why even think about being with me? (15:01:29) bobkmertzaux: You cant answer that because you contradict yourself in everything you say (15:02:22) Tiffs Wolf Dance: i think about spanish class and sharing everything witha person. I true friend like I have never seen before. (15:02:53) bobkmertzaux: yet you still lie to him and treat him like dirt? (15:02:54) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I miss all of that. A strong bond with someone (15:04:30) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I said I want your friendship. You can't. So what else is there to do. (15:05:43) bobkmertzaux: That didnt answer the question (15:06:04) bobkmertzaux: If you want me as a friend, why do you lie to me? (15:06:17) Tiffs Wolf Dance: about what (15:06:26) bobkmertzaux: ive said enough times (15:07:02) bobkmertzaux: I want to be in your life and you to be in mine... but I cant do it without a commitment..... (15:07:10) bobkmertzaux: youve hurt me so bad before (15:07:25) bobkmertzaux: I at least need a commitment now so at least it'll be a little bit harder for you to crush me again (15:08:25) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I can commit myslef as a friend. But nothing more. (15:08:33) bobkmertzaux: Why not more? (15:09:57) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I stopped caring for Jim the way I did before. But he picked me off the floor. I needed someone this once. And that meant a lot. (15:10:14) bobkmertzaux: LMAO (15:10:25) bobkmertzaux: so lead him on too (15:10:29) bobkmertzaux: wow.... you are messed up (15:10:37) bobkmertzaux: you go right ahead on with your happy little life (15:10:40) bobkmertzaux: keep your mom happy (15:10:45) Tiffs Wolf Dance: Not what I'm saying (15:10:47) bobkmertzaux: and while your at it... grow up to be just like her (15:10:51) bobkmertzaux: your well on your way! (15:11:44) Tiffs Wolf Dance: He helped me when I needed it most. We both moved on. But we're growing close together again. (15:12:13) bobkmertzaux: Is he your boyfriend? (15:12:35) Tiffs Wolf Dance: Yes he is. (15:12:40) bobkmertzaux: but your not going to marry him? (15:12:59) Tiffs Wolf Dance: We have no plans (15:13:06) bobkmertzaux: wtf is wrong with you? (15:13:26) Tiffs Wolf Dance: Nothing definite. It's possible. (15:13:35) bobkmertzaux: F**K YOU! (15:13:37) bobkmertzaux: Im done (15:13:42) bobkmertzaux: ive had enough of your games (15:13:57) bobkmertzaux: You just told me you wanted to be with me (15:14:04) bobkmertzaux: in a year (15:14:05) bobkmertzaux: oh wait (15:14:18) bobkmertzaux: get married to jim in a month... divorce in 6 months and then marry me (15:14:20) bobkmertzaux: you make alot of sense (15:14:40) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I'm not making plans to marry Jim, or to be with you in a year (15:14:54) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I'm with Jim now (15:15:03) Tiffs Wolf Dance: and I'll see where God leads me from there (15:15:09) Tiffs Wolf Dance: That's all (15:15:38) bobkmertzaux: I hate my life (15:15:46) bobkmertzaux: I really wanna die (15:15:49) bobkmertzaux: and I think I just might (15:15:54) bobkmertzaux: you f**ked me over again (15:16:13) bobkmertzaux: 4 hour drive home... alot can "happen" (15:16:44) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I just needed your friendship. I'm sorry it got mixed up in the process. (15:17:17) bobkmertzaux: The only thing you need from me is someone's life to screw up worse than your own... you look at me and make yourself feel better about the crap your doing (15:17:34) Tiffs Wolf Dance: Not at all (15:17:50) bobkmertzaux: Then why screw my life up like you do? (15:18:30) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I have no intentions to do so (15:18:40) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I hate myself (15:20:48) bobkmertzaux: Know whats funny? (15:20:57) bobkmertzaux: a couple days ago you told me you loved me (15:21:03) bobkmertzaux: the funniest part is... I believed you (15:21:12) bobkmertzaux: but I'll always be second best to jim (15:21:14) bobkmertzaux: and now (15:21:23) bobkmertzaux: im SURE thats why you didnt talk to me the day before we broke up (15:21:34) bobkmertzaux: you wanted him back but you were too chicken to tell me (15:22:58) bobkmertzaux: no answer = "yes bob, your right but I dont want to answer you (15:23:13) Tiffs Wolf Dance: Sorry , talkign to mom M (15:23:22) bobkmertzaux: planning this all out huh? (15:23:24) Tiffs Wolf Dance: But no I didn't want to be with him (15:23:38) bobkmertzaux: I dont believe you (15:23:44) bobkmertzaux: I should have stopped believing you long ago (15:23:57) bobkmertzaux: I'm done tiff... its over (15:24:01) bobkmertzaux: Goodbye..... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, August 26, 2004 |
I need prayer. I'm crushed... I have never felt so much like I wanted to die before. I'm tired of dealing with main and I'm tired of so much crap happening to me. I am not happy... I try to pretend but I am not happy. I keep looking towards a hopefull future, but when it comes it crushes me even more. I'm scared... and I long so much for someone to love me... to have someone that will let me love them. Someone that is willing to adjust for me and not make me do all the sacrifices and all the adjusting. I'm tired of that. And yet I cant give up... because... I dont know why... I just cant.... and it becomes even worse when its all you hear. Give up Bob.... And I cant. And I still here it... but I still cant. I dont know why I cant.... Alot of times I want to... but I cant.... It would be easier if people would quit telling me to give up... not alot... but a little easier.... even though I know their point of view, I cant stand hearing someone tell me to jump 100 feet in the air when I just cant. It gets annoying. I can understand the good of jumping that high... but I cant do it right now. All I ask for right now is prayer.... I need it badly. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, August 25, 2004 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, August 24, 2004 |
...... Jesse is coming home tomorrow!!!!!!! All of the problems "fixed themselves" ... Jesse is eating, walking, breathing, etc, etc ,etc....... And hold your chairs again... HE HAS NO PAIN..... and he's on no pain killers.... In 1985 my dad was given a 10% chance of living.... he lived and made a full recovery..... now my cousin is almost pronounced dead at the scene and he is making a full recovery... dont you dare ever tell me that there is no God! He will still be monitored.... and he will miss the first week of school but he will probably be back to school after that.... another good thing is he remembers none of the trama but remembers showing his horse, getting his ribbon, etc, etc, etc.... this is a very good thing. This is just awesome. Thank you to everyone who was praying.... your prayers were answered!! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
The good news of the day is Jesse is doing so well again they may send him home in a few days. All of the problems with his brain "fixed themselves" ... ok, we all know that God fixed them... This whole thing was nothing short of a miracle. My life is still confusing... things with Tanya and Tiff and everything.... Things will work out I'm sure.... I just hope that soon I have that girl that I can call mine and she can call me hers. Thats in God's hands.... right now all I want is my cousin to be ok. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, August 23, 2004 |
Jesse is doing remarkably well! He is doing so well that they move him to a regular room. Please continue to pray for him but God certainly is taking care of him!!!!!! I'll give more details if I get them. This is all based on a text message from my mom. When I have more time I will call her. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Jesse recently woke up from his comma and recognized his mom and dad and then threw up. Sounds bad but that it a really good sign. The doctors are EXPECTING a full recovery. He will still be in the hospital for 7-10 days and of course have a plate in his head but he seems to be functioning ok. It is too early to tell if there will be any brain damage but things are definately looking better..... My cousin got kicked in the head by a horse and he is going to live! If any of you dont believe in the power of prayer, you really need to reconsider. There were many people praying for Jesse.... many will continue as I hope they do. Many people thought he was dead but he wasnt.... God was right there with him. Jesse's family is a family that serves God whole-heartedly and a major testimony of what God can do. Thank you everyone who was praying. It has been a long day for me but now that I know Jesse is better I'm going to go to bed. Thanks again and God Bless! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, August 22, 2004 |
The event happened at the Westmoreland Fair this morning. Matt and Jesse both got down showing their horses and Jesse stooped down to talk to my uncle..... Matt's horse bumped something, rared up, and kicked Jesse's head throwing him into my uncle's lap. My uncle basically thought that Jesse died in his arms. 30 seconds later Jesse woke up screaming. They took him by ambulance a short distance where they had Life Flight land. They took him directly to Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh. He is now out of surgery. They have reconstructed his skull as it was completely crushed. He has some type of a plastic plate in his skull now. They have him in an induced comma... they need to monitor the pressure in his head before they bring him out of that. It is looking better but it is a SERIOUS head injury so no one knows for sure. It is not yet known if there is any brain damage. Please continue to keep him in your prayers. I am very glad I was able to get the night off a pizza hut... after ALOT of effort. I need this night.... if they start letting people see him I'll be in Pittsburgh as quick as you can imagine. Thank you everyone for your prayers! ... And for your continued prayers! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
My sister just woke me up crying. My cousin Jesse is being life flighted to Children's Hospital right now. He got kicked in the head by one of his horses and they think that he might die. Please pray.... we cant take this right now! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Chorus: I really wanna see you I really wanna touch you If only I could hold you in my arms again I really wanna reach you Forever to be with you If only I could hold you in my arms again It was written in the stars On the pages of my heart Oh, that someday I would find The love I feel for you tonight On the ocean of our dreams Like a prayer you came to me And the longing that had been Found its ending in your eyes And I am missing you tonight Chorus Across the waves, across the sea Separating you from me Here's a promise and it's mine I will love you for all time I'm wishing you were here tonight Chorus (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I cleaned my room today.... while I did I found $65 in gift certificates to the mall. That was pretty cool... So Jo and I went to the mall.... before you say "whyd you go blow money" ... I didnt. T-Mobile is in the mall and as a result I could use those to pay my current T-Mobile bill. I did that and then bought me and Jo lunch at Chick-Fil-A (somehow she never had that).... We also went to visit Tanya and Eli. I really hope that Jo didnt feel out of place there but somehow I think she did. But she did start talking to Tanya for a while so what do I know.... Leaving there we talked more and talked about Tiff and little.... and she said the one thing that I had different is that I definately have someone there if Tiff and I dont work out. I dont know if thats what I even want but that was just another comment chalked up as to how cute me and Tanya are together. *shrug* I need some time.... Tanya is moving on anyway so by time I figure my life out, even if Tiff and I dont work out, she isnt gonna wanna be with me. But yea, anyway, later Jo and I went to see "Without a Paddle" ... definately a good movie! Very funny! Then we went to dinner and came back to my house and talked some more.... then she had to leave... I really wish she didnt.... I had such a relaxing day. Well, for some reason my family is counting church out for tomorrow... I dunno if Im gonna go or not. I really should but yet I really should catch up on some sleep. I dont know if Im even gonna get to bed yet.... *shrug* ... Either way, have a good night! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, August 20, 2004 |
I'll not deny, I heard it once, It said "Good-bye. -- Richard Armour (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
http://bibleboy.blogspot.com/2004/08/so-my-parents-ask-me-if-i-want.html (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, August 19, 2004 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
If you dont want to read whats in my head and whats going on, dont come here. It is that simple. I do not respond to "this is it and thats final" ... I respond to conversation. I know that so many of you have the solutions to my life and that you can fix it all in an instant. Its all very simple to get rid of all that is in my life, right? Im glad you feel that way. I will get through this.... I will get through this by myself. If you want to talk to me and be a friend, I need you... if you want to just point out whats wrong, save yourself the time. I am single.... I will be single for a while..... thats what I need. However, it is not your responsibility to tell me that I cant date someone. When I feel the time is right, I will. Just because I said I was *THINKING* of asking Tanya out does not mean that I was going to. Also, you cant make a comment on what Tanya will say or should say because you dont know her story. I am glad I am friends with Tanya... I am glad that I am friends with Tiff.... let me iron this out. By reading this blog you read my thoughts (key word being THOUGHTS)... that is all you know. It helps to know people are reading. It really helps me release..... but they are just thoughts. They are not my actions nor are they the feelings and thoughts of others such as Tanya and Tiff. Again, if you want to be my friend, I need it... if you want to just point out whats wrong... save your time. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, August 18, 2004 |
"Nothing means more than saying the words 'I Love You' than not saying them." (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, August 17, 2004 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I had a great night.... tanya and eli and I went out on Steve's boat with him. It was the time of my life... it was something I needed.... and there were a few moments where I just stared at tanya.... a couple times she looked back at me and smiled..... like two people meeting for the first time. What does that mean? Who really knows in my mind... it was really nice tho.... and really made me feel good. And Eli... man... he had a blast! It was just an extremely good night.... we then went to Tanya's house... Eli was asleep so we sat outside and talked for a little bit.... we talked about alot of stuff.... stuff that needed to be said..... I started feeling really good..... she told me that she still loved me too..... because everyone knows that I still love her.... what does that mean? Again, who really knows..... but its nice. She spilt some stuff to me that if she would have told me before we broke up -- well, it would have changed a few things..... but I was happy she told me now.... that meant alot to me.... then she started showing me how badly I hurt her.... this killed me... it had to be said and I had to hear it but it KILLED me.... honestly at that point I was feeling pretty suicidal..... passively (thank God)..... but I ended up going into a panic attack... and she was there for me... she calmed me down..... and then I held Eli. I realized that after all of that pain that I caused her, she forgave me.... and I guess that means alot too...... There are some things I am worried about if Tanya and I would get back together.....things that kinda led to the breakup.... but I sit back and think if everything is supposed to be perfect, how am I ever going to find anyone? I was truly happy with Tanya..... but yes, I was happy with Tiff too.... but Tiff is another story..... I needed a friend so bad this weekend.... she STILL has not so much as emailed me. We're working on a friendship but im starting to wonder if she even wants that..... maybe I am just beating my head against the wall. I would really like another chance with Tiff..... if for nothing else, just to know how it would end or if it would end.... but am I going the wrong direction? I was truly happy with Tanya... I wasnt worried with her..... but I will be worried with Tiff.... she cheated on me once, and broke my heart more times..... but then I think.... why am I drawn back to her? Is there more there than I can see.... or anyone else can see? Did I ever mention Tanya was beautifull? :) Going out on the boat in her cute tennis shoes and pink fleece and jeans..... wow :) Just so cute! She cares for me alot..... she would do anything for me.... well almost anything..... where do I go? Time will tell...... Am I creating a screw up just to fix another screw up I had? Maybe I shouldnt have broke up with Tiff back in May.... maybe I didnt give her the chance to explain that I should have..... but am I supposed to go backa nd correct it? I dont know.... I guess we will see in the next chapter of my drama. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, August 15, 2004 |
I threw it away. I wrote your name on my hand but it washed away. I wrote your name in the sand but the waves whisped it away. I wrote your name in my heart and forever it will stay." I really had the call that I never expected tonight. Kendra called me out of nowhere. I invited her to come stay with us for a while. I dont understand why but I feel called to help her out.... time after time. She is a friend that I never want to lose... and I really hope that she does come here and stay with us for a while and just takes some time to talk to me.... maybe we can help each other. We're both hurting right now..... I really do wish at this point someone was around for me to talk to..... Im in a real state of confusion. God only knows how much I want to talk to Tiff right now. Sometimes I wonder if its just the fact that she's busy or if she really doesnt want me in her life right now. I need her as a friend.... but maybe I want her as more of a friend than she can give. Now that ive been put in my place about the atkins diet I might as well relax for a while and go to bed :) Just one comment tho.... God made carbs for a reason. Good night everyone. I hope everyone has a great day tomorrow. Thanks to everyone who has been praying for me.... I need it. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |