Saturday, April 30, 2005 |
I just dont want to deal with anything anymore..... I just want it all to end.... just be done with it all....... I dont wanna be me anymore.... I dont like my life :( (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, April 29, 2005 |
First of all.... during my dinner break I ran into two different people on different occasions and each one offered a very good job lead.... Was I looking for a job? Not in the slightest bit... but if oppritunity is knocking, I'm going to hand it to God and ask Him where He wants me to go. Both of these leads are with VERY large, world-wide companies.... everyone reading this (all 2 of you) has heard of both of these companies and in many cases, has dealt with them. I am not giving the names of these companies for various reasons. Neither of these are offers but they are good leads.... I am considering following them to see where they go. This is hard on me tho... it is very hard.... I am a very commiting person and that goes for jobs as well. Back when I had to quit the Donut Chef to go work for Pizza Hut, it was the hardest thing to do.... you add on to that how much I absolutely enjoy working for Carpathia and this makes this a very very very very hard decission to make.... and that is just whether I want to follow the lead or not.... no decissions being made of whether I am taking it yet or not.... This is hard.... What do I feel? I feel that I would really like to stick with Carpathia and totally ignore these leads.... but, when it boils down to it, I dont know if I should -- or even if I can. In both of these scenarios I am looking at approx a $10k-$20k salary increase. Not only is that something that I need but both of these companies offer amazing benefits. Carpathia has benefits but thats about it. I know I'm protected.... and they cover 100% of my premiums.... the problem is that I am spending more in co-pays than my previous insurance plans had in premiums.... I am not well covered... and I dont have vision or dental..... The money I make now.... yes, its a ton of money for those of you up in PA but Im starting to face the cold hard truth that it is very low income for this area..... I'm doing ok.... but im concerned.... I'm starting to migrate everything to me now and taking full responsibility for stuff... main thing being car insurance.... it's just getting rough... I can make it.... but, if oppritunity is knocking, I almost logically have to follow it. Perfect scenario would be a raise or something at Carpathia but according to company policy that can't happen until January.... This is a very hard decission that I really need to put some prayer into. I think that in the next day or two I'm going to update my resume and get ready to do something that I wasn't planning on doing for a while.... but I have to be ready if God says go.... I'm also realizing something else.... My move here to VA is starting to feel like my move to FL.... and in saying that, I mean that I feel like God is about to really teach me something drastic. When I moved to FL God really showed me alot about people... alot about the way He works in those people.... and alot about His grace... ALOT about His grace... I not only met people that were against my walk of life but I became friends with these people.... and God showed me in those times what His Love was all about.... The answer to helping people is not condeming them... it is loving them and being there for them. Now I find myself here in VA.... I have been thrown into a small culture shock... out of what I am used to.... God threw me out of my comfort zone to teach me something that I would never learn otherwise. I am finding that I am becoming friends with people that I never dreams I would associate with.... people that 6 months ago I would be affraid to even talk to.... but God is using the trust that I have always had to just grow something amazing. I see so much oppritunity in the people I associate with down here..... God really is amazing.... My walk with Him is so... just not where it should be.... I struggle so hard with sin.... I struggle even more with picking up my Bible.... I want to get there again.... but I'm struggling so much..... but yet in all of that.... in my struggles.... in my defiance.... God is using me.... people have already told me that I have made an impact on their lives.... and I can see that He is setting something up that is even bigger..... You know what part of a conversation was tonight? How I'm going to look at buying a house next year..... Am I serious? Well.... yea, I think so.... there is so much that I am learning... I learned so much about this area tonight that it's not even funny... Could I have a house in a year? Yes... I really do think that it's possible.... Maybe in that year Tiff will be down here with me too.... I dont know exactly what is coming... but I know that in 2 years I am going to look back and go "how did I get here?" ... God is doing so much.... and all the struggles that Tiff and I are having now.... it's making us stronger.... it's getting us ready for when we are both Virginians and we are both on fire for God..... I learned tonight in talking to my friend that the crap that you go through really defines who you are... and that includes the stuff that you bring on yourself. In the book of Job, he lost everything.... but in the end, God gave Him back more than he had.... and I think the common misconception is that God only gives back in scenarios where you are not at fault..... I dont believe that is true... because if God is one thing, He is graceful.... and I believe that when you lose absolutely everything, you will get more back than you had.... and if you lost everything because of your own stupidity, God's grace will cover that..... I really need to get some sleep now..... this really just has been an amazing night/morning.... Please keep me in your prayers... especially with the job thing.... this is going to be a harder decission to make than it was to move down here.... I love Carpathia that much..... and I want to find an excuse to stay with them.... but at the same time, I have to be logical..... To God be the Glory! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, April 27, 2005 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface Don't know what you're expecting of me Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes (Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow) Every step that I take is another mistake to you (Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow) I've become so numb I can't feel you there I've become so tired so much more aware I'm becoming this all I want to do Is be more like me and be less like you (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I really cant deal with another thing tonight.... ive had too much.... and its more and more evident that when I talk to people they dont really listen to my concerns for my sake but only so that they can find a clever way to throw my concerns back into my face. I just feel like I had the typical psychologist response of "everyone is beautiful in their own way" or "thats not what makes a person beautiful" .... translated... your ugly as sin but I need to say something to make you feel better so I have to come up with a clever play on words....... Im not well.... but i'll survive.... ive been through enough crap in my life.... I'm sure I can make it again..... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I really cant deal with another thing tonight.... ive had too much.... and its more and more evident that when I talk to people they dont really listen to my concerns for my sake but only so that they can find a clever way to throw my concerns back into my face. I just feel like I had the typical psychologist response of "everyone is beautiful in their own way" or "thats not what makes a person beautiful" .... translated... your ugly as sin but I need to say something to make you feel better so I have to come up with a clever play on words....... Im not well.... but i'll survive.... ive been through enough crap in my life.... I'm sure I can make it again..... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, April 26, 2005 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, April 22, 2005 |
And we're live :) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, April 21, 2005 |
I'm really seriously going to start bombing places..... Why cant anything go smooth for me.... anything I do has to turn into drama..... Apparently I owe a company $57 and its now past due for 90 days.... the fun part about it is they never thought to tell me that I owe them the money........ I need a vacation! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, April 20, 2005 |
Just ARGH! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
:( (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Im really in a pretty good mood today but there are some things bugging me.... Tiff told me she has an idea that she wants to talk to me about later in the week... and combining that with her blog, im a little concerned. I just feel so many times that I am a nuisance in her life. She is the perfect woman for me.... but am I really the perfect man for her? I just dont feel like I am... I feel like I am more trouble than I am worth.... but thats enough of that.... thats how I feel but I'm not going to let it ruin my good mood. Currently I am driving Kari's Honda. Dad is working on getting my Saturn transfered to him so I can legally drive it... should be about a week or so.... I'm also meeting some more people around here.... so thats good. And I should be able to make it to church this Sunday... I'm pretty excited about that... New Life is really neat! Well, I have to be at work in an hour and I have to make a few stops first so I better get going. Thanks for all of your prayers and your support! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, April 19, 2005 |
I'm a little worried... I dont know what to do... Certainly I cant start having depression problems again, can I? I just can't deal with that..... *sigh* (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
We'd spend this life side by side. I still feel the same though you're so far away. I swear that you'll always be my. Forever love. I promise you. Someday we'll be together. Forever love. I won't give up. No matter what. I'll be waiting for you. Forever love. Minutes and hours and years may go by. But my heart knows nothing of time. So don't cry, just keep me right there. In your dreams. And hold on to these words of mine. Forever love. I promise you. Someday we'll be together. Forever love. I won't give up. No matter what. I'll be waiting for you. Forever love. Love is the road to our destiny. Nothing can change what is meant to be. Forever love. I promise you. Someday we'll be together. Forever love. I won't give up. No matter what. I'll be waiting for you. Forever love. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, April 18, 2005 |
anyway in continuation i am really concerned about tiff. she is so stressed its not funny. im really worried. school is really getting to her and while we were talking about that she mentioned something about us. i guess im concerned about that. things are really great between us but im just wondering what is really stressing her out. i know school is but am i as well? i hope that i only help her (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, April 17, 2005 |
Now I pray for a very relaxing evening... I need it badly. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, April 15, 2005 |
I also have to say that I really believe the people I work with are great people. My boss is an incredible person.... in the last little bit there have been some head butting sessions but its all a process of growing pains with this company not to mention a slight culture difference. Pittsburgh and Washington DC are completly different cultures so sometimes the way I behave is not taken the same way down here as it was up there..... but despite all of these frustration, Mat really takes care of me. I just wanted to update everyone and let them know I'm feeling better... I'm still stuck at the data center all night tonight, sleeping on the floor in the office, and im here until tomorrow evening then until my dad gets down here from PA. Yea, thats another thing I have to say... I have great parents.... they have really helped me so much in driving here and doing this and stuff.... I really can't complain.... oh... and the Z24... looks like I might have plans for that already as well.... those arent finalized yet and certainly not the biggest concern but it looks like I may be able to get that car back to a reliable runner for a price that I may be able to afford... I probably won't keep it for financial reasons but I certainly have plans for it.... hopefully that works out too. Thanks everyone for your prayers! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Apparently I made a big mistake at work again.... I thought I was helping but it seems that I made a mistake. Please keep me in your prayers.... I know these last few posts probably have you very confused.... there are just a lot of issues right now.... the car I bought is perfect and still was an phenomenal deal... Saturns are good cars.... there are just some very serious red tape and paper work issues that the DMV didnt tell me about when I pre-certified bringing this car down to VA. I'm trying very hard.... I basically passed out on my living room floor a little while ago but after that I kind of relaxed a little bit. I'm still worked up and have quite a bit of stress but in relation, I'm feeling better. I'll make it... somehow I'll make it. God is with me... I dont understand why He has let so much go wrong for me in the last week but I'm sure it will all iron out. Thank You, God... and Thank You, Tiff.... you are both the loves of my life! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
First... Beaster died on Tuesday... Wednesday I bought a 87 Cavalier and started driving it to my apartment and a hose blew and blew the head gasket.... I was screwed.... ended up back in PA after work and planned on bringing my sister's car down to use for a little while.... Woke up in the morning and someone offered to buy me a car.... Yes, God works amazing things sometimes.... as did He tonight too. So tonight I bought a '93 Saturn SL1. It is an amazing car. I drove it down here tonight and it ran so well. So... the 87 Cavalier... Very nice Z24 model.... incredible shape.... had it in a garage around the corner to get it checked out.... they did a pressure check and found that the head gasket is blown.... so there is no one on the roads now at 1:30am, right? So yea, I decide to go pick it up now... since it's not holding water I need to get it to my apartment and parked ASAP. But in all this I find out that the guy that worked on my car is part honest and part crook.... got a second opinion so we're gonna find out more tomorrow. I get in the car and go..... find out the hard way that the road I live on is a 25mph speed limit.... never really payed attention.... sure enough... sirens and lights.... I'm like, what else can happen... so my goal is to get the car to the back of the lot and get it parked because if I idle that thing its gonna die on me..... the cop hits his siren as I'm driving back so I turn on my 4-ways to acknowledge that he is there..... I pull into the lot and the officer comes around and tells me he clocked me at 40 in a 25.... I explained to him the situation and that I had just moved here and really wasnt aware that it was 25.... he verified this by looking at my license issue date. He said he would be right back with me. He came back and said he was going to cut me a break and not give me a ticket..... wheewww.... but he made it very plain that almost any other officer would have been "very pissed off" if I would have drove to the back of the lot with them. In Pennsylvania, as long as you acknowledge them, they have no problem letting you get to a certain spot.... apparently this is not true. The officer told me that he understood why but made it very clear that I cant do that again if I ever get pulled over again. I locked up the car and started walking towards my apartment and there was a bunch of people on their balcony. They are like "are you cool?" I'm like yea, he let me go and they all were in total shock.... they asked if they pulled me over because my one headlight was out and I said no it was for speeding. I also told them why I moved to the back of the lot (that the car was about to overheat). Thank God the officer visually saw the steam coming out of the tail pipe... I think that saved my butt... anyway... the people out there were in complete shock.... they said that I should be in jail. They said that Leesburg police will take you to jail if you do not pull over the instant they turn their lights on. In this I found out that the state police are 10 times worse..... So... yea, I should be in jail...... but instead I got away without even a warning. Sometimes God works in mysterious ways..... I have alot of thanking to do :) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, April 14, 2005 |
ARGH!!!!! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, April 13, 2005 |
Got my 87 Cavalier now.... still have to replae a hose and get registration done.... but its gonna cost me $195 a month to insure it.... and thats just liability.... no colission :( (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, April 12, 2005 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
and i dont want to hear another thing about counseling. i tried my hardest but i cant do it..... not another word about it unless it comes with the $80-$120 a month it would cost me that i just cant afford. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, April 11, 2005 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I feel like I am such an ugly person.... like, looking in a mirror is like a horror for me.... I dont feel like anyone will ever see me as beautiful and... I guess things are coming together that my low self esteem in that area is creating the problems that I continually have that I spoke of a few weeks ago. I can't get free from that.... and really... if I never feel like I am a beautiful person in a 2-way relationship, I guess that explains why I would result to porn which is by nature a 1-way relationship..... I have dealt with this my entire life. People in school always told me how ugly I was and how worthless I was... and... maybe my parents tried to encourage me but that was it.... but that didnt mean much beacause that is their job.... I am really struggling... really hurting... and really longing for something that I dont think I will ever find... I dont think it's possible to fine. I'm a smart person and I am working on being sucessful.... I really have a good heart.... things that people do tell me and do start to believe.... but im not beautiful in a physical sense... and unfortunately thats something that is by the way the God designed me.... its not something I can control.... I guess I just have to learn to live with it.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, April 06, 2005 |
I took a pretty short lunch so I'm gonna take a few mins to vent. Every day when I come into work Scott, our COO, goes "hey bob, how are you today" and I always say doing fine.... Today was my first realization of something.... Im not happy anymore.... Scott said that today.... he said that I always came in with a big smile on my face and so happy for life and the last few days I just havent been there.... and yaknow what... he is right. There are several things bugging me.... some I cant go completely into... some I can. First thing is obviously my car..... I am not ready to buy a new car... especially to finance a car and carry full coverage on it.... but it's looking like that is my only option. I simply can not rely on Beaster anymore.... its sad to say that but I just can't... so many things are going wrong. I wanted to move down here and get settled and then in about 6-8 months get another car but if I keep Beaster that long I'm sure in 6 months I'll have put enough money into that car that I could have bought another one..... it just doesnt make sense to let this car keep nickel and diming me.... but at the same point, I dont have enough money saved up to go the best route of putting a nice down payment down and/or buying a good used car from a private party.... my only real option is to try to find "special financing" as they call it and just bite the bullet. Can I afford it? Yea, I can probably swing it but its gonna hurt. I already typically only eat one meal a day and really dont do much. I bought a few things but since I've been down here I really have not bought that much. It's gonna hurt cutting back as much as I need to but I have no other choice.... hopefully people will come visit me beacuse I wont be getting out much.... nor will I be driving much either with the rising costs of gas.... go figure.... buy a car and you cant afford to drive it.... What else is bugging me? Well.... just when I do get out to eat or something I see so many couples that are there.... so excited to be with each other... you can just tell.... a kiss when someone gets excited.... Where is my life? This isnt what I planned for my life..... I wanted to be pretty close to being married and starting a family by now.... sure things dont go exactly the way you want all the time but there is a huge difference here. I wanted to be close to being married and working hard to be the best husband and father I could be... instead, I have to work very hard just to get a kiss..... it just kills me. And will I adjust? Sure... I am adjusting... some things are just worth it.... but im coming to a point where I'm questioning all of the adjustments I am making.... I am changing so much that I am sitting back and wondering if I am even me anymore. I dont feel like it... I feel like I am someone else. I am just really having a rough time right now.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=6210&item=4539993859&rd=1 (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, April 05, 2005 |
I dont know whether to say Sunday was good or bad.... Church was incredible.... after that we had some serious issues at the data center so I had to go in.... stay there for a while and then eventually get chewed out by a customer.... then I do the wrong thing in handling that and get told about that.... I just wanted to cry... all this is happening as my car is about to fall apart.... the computer was doing weird things up until this day but on Sunday it just started making horrible noises out of the front end.... it still is. Eventually tho Keith asked if I wanted to go to the driving range.... I did and eventually starting driving balls apart 100 yds.... that incredible for me... last time I went I could hardly hit the ball. But I was still stressed out..... Keith and I were talking and the subject of bowling came up.... so we decided to go bowling then... got there and found that it was bowl all you want for $8 so we ended up staying till they closed at 12:30. After that we went to dinner. Monday wasnt too bad but was stressful in some ways. I was fighting with the new computer I was setting up... that stressed me.... then ... well, lets just say another fight..... by the time I went to bed, I just cried myself to sleep...... Woke up today.... not feeling good at all... my head is pounding and my stomach hurts a little.... Im hoping it gets better but who knows.... Im just really scared and stressed. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, April 02, 2005 |
Things at Carpathia are still going great..... I think I'll be here a while. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, April 01, 2005 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved
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