Sunday, July 31, 2005 |
When I went to CFC I felt more free than ever... But now I see what God is doing in areas that people have attitudes that mock that of the book of Acts. Now I see that CFC is not free because as a congregation they won't allow themselves to be free. What do I believe? I believe that God is not ready to give up on CFC. I believe a miracle is right around the corner... But I believe that as a congregation, things must change. Acceptance is important. Not acceptance of sin but acceptance of people and different styles. Discrimination is something of the world -- not of the Church! But today wasnt all observation for me... I was certainly challenged.... I really seriously need to start taking up my sword.... I need to start reading the Bible more and more.... its needed... I cant be without it. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, July 29, 2005 |
http://www.sysadminday.com/ (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, July 28, 2005 |
Tiff is leaving for Indiana in a few days I think... I'm not really sure since I haven't heard from her in forever.... She popped on AIM last night but just as I went to IM here, she logged off. She said to make sure I update her with contact information and such.... But does she really care? I don't know what's going on with her. There may be some stuff she doesn't want me to know so she just avoids me. Truth is I'm doing fine without her but I still care about her a lot. I tried sending her some letters and stuff.... Either way... I hope IN goes well for her. As for me, I will just focus on what God has for me... And who He has for me. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I dunno... I hope work goes well tonight.... but I really dont wanna go.... I need a break really bad.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, July 26, 2005 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Broken down, I have not had my medicine in weeks, I need new calipers for my brakes, I am $500 short for rent this friday and I am behind on cell phone and electric bills.... Not to mention my next pay check is already gone....... Please, God..... Please provide soon. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
http://www.tucsonweekly.com/gbase/opinion/Content?oid=oid:41348 (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, July 24, 2005 |
Find out before too long How quickly blue skies can grow dark And gentle winds grow strong Suddenly fear is like white water Pounding on the soul Still we sail on knowing That our Lord is in control Sometimes He calms the storm With a whispered peace be still He can settle any sea But it doesn't mean He will Sometimes He holds us close And lets the wind and waves go wild Sometimes He calms the storm And other times He calms His child He has a reason for each trial That we pass through in life And though we're shaken We cannot be pulled apart from Christ No matter how the driving rain beats down On those who hold to faith A heart of trust will always Be a quiet peaceful place "Sometimes He Calms the Storm" by Scott Krippayne (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
See... financially I am struggling which I guess is no secret... I've been freaking out all week wondering how I'm going to pay my rent next week because I had to use my rent money to pay the past due balances to keep my electric and cell phone on.... and anyway, my dad came to visit this weekend so I told myself that I was just going to forget about everything and try to relax this weekend... So I am on call... and I got a call... and it turns out a really big company needs to move with us on Monday.... this is a great oppritunity for Carpathia so I jumped on it and went way above and beyond what I should have had to do.... fully realzing that no matter what, nothing in doing this extra work would benefit me.... but this is my job and God tells us to do everything with all our heart... so I did. The thing is that basically EVERYONE in our company is on vacation this week... I dont understand how I get yelled at for wanting to take a day off because it leaves them short handed but the whole freaking company goes on vacation at the same time and leaves me with everything... fair? eh, whatever..... So thats not the issue.... the thing is now I am being attacked for things I did wrong.... I am not trained in sales.... furthermore I confirmed alot of the stuff with the sales guy..... argh... either way, I'm getting attacked for things im doing wrong.... things that I shouldnt even be doing but I'm forced to do.... Honestly.... I just want to cry.... Just got back from Pizza Hut with my dad.... I walked in to my apartment with tears in my eyes.... I can't take this.... its all way too unfair... and its all my own fault for volunteering to do stuff that I'm not required to do. When I worked at Computer Connections everyone always said a statement that we had.... it was "No good deed goes unpunished" ... as much as I want to think the world is not like that, I am learning more and more that it is.... and Carpathia is showing that to me more than anything... the more I work and the harder I work, the more that becomes required of me.... I rise to the occasion and give even more and then the only thing that happens is I'm expected to do even more.... and it makes it even easier for the company to avoid putting someone else on payroll.... I mean... why would they? I'm doing everything, right? And the worst thing is I am doing this on a salary that is more than $10k less than the average salary in this county (according to US Labor, 2002).... a salary that isnt even coming close to paying my bills :( God will provide... and whether or not Carpathia appriciates what I do, I know that God does... and I know that He will honor me for all of this. I just pray that He provides some relief soon.... My nature is to push myself beyond my limits... so far that I collapse under the pressure.... Its the way God made me... its actually the dedication that I want to have.... I know He will provide.... this is me... and I will always be the hard worker that I have always been... whether I am respected or not.... But God will lead me to the ultimate place... I will be blessed with peace and relaxation at some point and it will be greater than any.... because I know the effort that I do and the pain that I go through is only for the glory of Him and Him alone. It's not about worldly things... its about God's plan. Today's sermon was about following God... and how people think that sometimes what God tells them is not safe... so as a result they dont do what He says.... He may say go to the most dangerous part of the world to preach.... thats not safe.... but whats even more unsafe is not being in God's will.... so maybe the effort that I put into Carpathia is not safe for me as a person, but it's God's will.... so its safer for me to do what God asks His followers to do..... and God will provide for me.... He will provide for the bills that my salary isnt paying and He will provide the relaxation that I need in His time. Please keep me in your prayers! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, July 21, 2005 |
Web surfing costing businesses nearly $200 billion? I think the best is the last line: I'm still waiting to see a good study done on how many hours the average employee spends doing work-related stuff online, at home. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, July 20, 2005 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, July 19, 2005 | |||||||||
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--Wait for the boy who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of boy who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person, wait for the boy who will be your best friend, the person who will drop everything to be with you at any time of the day no matter what the circumstances, wait for the boy who makes you smile like no other boy makes you smile and when he smiles you know he needs you, wait for the boy who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, but loves it when you get all dolled up for him, and most of all wait for the boy who will put you at the center of his universe, because obviously he is at the center of yours-- I want so badly to be that boy for someone. I want someone who will let me put them at the center of my universe. I wanna have someone to be proud of and actually is happy that I am proud of them... and someone that will let me be there for them... always, no matter what the situation is. I'll find her someday, right? (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved | |||||||||
http://www.leesburg2day.com/current.cfm?catid=28&newsid=10791 (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, July 18, 2005 |
"All in the name of love, Adam" -- Law and Order (Episode: High & Low) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
- Fred Rogers (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
[Uhh_Duh] relationships are so easy thanks to the internet.. you can establish and destroy them at the touch of a few keys! [black-ice] it all starts with 3 letters, asl [black-ice] and ends with stfu (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, July 15, 2005 |
I know that I am in God's hands.... And that is one thing I am very happy about. I know He is already taking care of all the problems I am having and all of the decissions I am and will be facing. I pray that this weekend turns out to be very relaxing. There were a few things I was supposed to do but unless some of my stuff sells on eBay, I may have to cancel them. I am looking forward to not having to worry about work tho. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
And thank you to whoever is praying for me.... Those prayers are felt and appriciated! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Why when you become positive about things getting better do they all of a sudden turn to crap again? *sigh* I gotta continue to give this my all.... I hope God provides a way out soon tho. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Honestly.... is anyone REALLY surprised about this? :) Unsealed SCO Email (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, July 14, 2005 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I am who I am. This is who God made me. And He will lead me to where I need to be. Until He provides that rest that I so greatly need, I will give Carpathia not only the 150% I have been give but the 200% that is now required. God said that in all things I should honor Him. This means I need to behave like I am His child and keep pushing.... And it means I need to do that with or without respect. Someday God will bless me for this and give me the relief that I need. I can hope its soon, but all I can do is wait for His direction. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, July 13, 2005 |
I saw a picture on my TV screen The Reverend Billy Graham and the people sing “Just As I Am” And I felt like You were talking to me And the whole world seemed to fade away Until I heard my mother say “Son, are you ok? Do you wanna pray? And that became the hour I first believed Chorus: And next thing you know I’m high and flying, next thing you know My heart is in Your hands, next thing you know There is no denying, next thing you know I’m a brand new man Well I wish I could say I always stayed right there And I did until my freshman year But the world was pulling me along way from thirteen And You were calling but I didn’t hear Still I knew there was something more So one day my knees hit the dorm room floor I said “If You’re there and if You really care Come and talk to me like I was thirteen” Chorus: I Got a picture in my head today Of how Heaven might look someday I see the people there so I pull up a chair And their stories they blew me away ‘Cause I can see it on every face Their evidence of grace And as I listen it occurs to me Everybody’s got their own thirteen (2X’s) So what’s your story about His glory? You gotta find your place in the history of grace Chorus: (2X’s) "Next Thing You Know (Thirteen)" by Matthew West (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, July 12, 2005 |
You'll never meet a girl like Equeena I bet But if you ever shall than consider you blessed She's rich beyond the natural so my spirit's impressed Had an encounter with this gal at Grammatical show She was looking unfamiliar but someone I'd like to know So I thought possibly could she be of the same mind Taken by her beauty but was anxious to find.. Out. See what this woman was all about but I doubt I'll get the time of day so I'm out I thought to myself, you'll never know until you ask her Well, I tend to dig the chicks that do agree with my pastor So I inquired 'bout her name she threw it out but I missed it at first I had the jitters to nervous to even listen Shook her hand said, "Hi, I'm Knowda or Verbs is what's preferred." She cracked a smile like a baby and I'm glad that part occurred With that she broke the ice the conversation was nice Should I ask her for her number? Don't think twice I tried to stay on my toes and kick the lines that were witty and avoid saying things like, "Gee, Equeena you're so pretty!" Kept my cool and maintained never thought she saw me sweat But I never will forget the day that we met She had an ill type of radiance you felt when her presence With a certain type of glow like lamps that be florescent Her own type of flav that stretched from head to toe I think when she was made they went and dipped the mold in gold The way she moved was angelic she my eyes dance At first I was a skeptic at this love at first glance A couple of hours have passed we've shared some things an we've laughed In my book from one to ten she rates eleven and a half You can tell she opened up as the time flew by She was no plain Jane looking for the average Joe Equeena had plans she's not the type to live trife She wants to graduate from college wants to live a Godly life She wants to go wherever she feel God leads her Wants to hook up with a man that honestly feels he needs her So the fact that we actually crossed paths it all seems odd She let me know first off she wants a man who seeks God So I thought BINGO! Can I please be a contestant? Thanking God for early Christmas an unwrapped present He must've reached into the heavens took the fixing's and the makens and made the girl of my dreams that I could see when I'm awakened The time drew near for us to part for the momento got her little backpack took some paper and passed a pencil Needless to say by that I was deeply flattered taking note of her fragrance and the way her eyes have battered I explained her the blessing just to meet her acquaintance she gave a hug and I was like a king It's like I can't just say goodbye somebody call the F.B.I I've caught a case of the love bug and can't deny But wonder why? We came so close at an escalated rate I think she's in the Syllabus, man God is great! Strong, bold and demanding that makes the girl outstanding Often imitated and simulated but never is she replicated or emulated Strong, bold and demanding that makes the girl outstanding Often imitated and simulated but never is she replicated or emulated "Equeena" by KnowDaVerbs (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, July 10, 2005 |
http://www.primidi.com/2005/07/09.html#a1242 (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
This all came to my mind today when I was leaving for church. I walked out of my appartment as my downstairs neighbors were also leaving for church. I'm walking out in my jean shorts and t-shirt with a burnt cd with a mix of pop and rock songs.... this couple was leaving in their dress clothes. I got in my 5 speed Cavalier, and they probably got in a nice lincoln or something.... I went to New Life where we make sure our music is heard... they probably went to a nice quite baptist style church. Of course there is alot of speculation on my part here.... but the thing that God showed me at that point, and then even showed me more through the day... is that diversity is beautiful. Diversity *IS* what the body of Christ is. We all have our different convictions and our different styles. We all wear different clothes... we listen to different music... we drive different cars... we go different places. But in the end, we all love God -- and we all want to server Him... we just do it in our own way.... and in those ways does not mean that anyone is less pleasing to God. God is interested in our hearts.... not our styles. It's our different styles that God uses to make us effective in different areas. My first real understanding of the word diversity was when I started working at Disney. That company preached diversity.... yet I started hearing more and more about how churches and denominations put Disney down because of their emphasis on diversity. I honestly, from day one, never understood why. I am guessing because of the fact that in Disney's way of promoting diversity, they put alot of support toward the homosexual community. But honestly, lets think back to what Jesus' life was like in the Bible. Think of the woman at the well. Jesus asks her for a drink. This woman was a samaritan. She was a sinner... she was not a Christian.... but Jesus accepted her (John 4). In my life there is an odd thing that has been happening around me. I moved to FL to work for Disney world and the shock of my life occured down there. It was all related to diversity. over 90% of the males that worked in my department were homosexuals. Now, I was always a person that was really uncomfortable around that.... but God helped me deal with it... and I really hit a point where I was not comfortable with the sin, but I was comfortable being around it. I could tolerate it (uh oh, yes.. another swear word to some Christians: tolerance). I worked there and I did my job... and I did it the best that I could.... and I gave some of those people the only glimpse of Jesus that they would ever see. The biggest shocker of all was when I was transfered to Epcot center for the Tapestry of the Nations parade. In training I met this guy.... He always wore Christian T-Shirts.... You could tell that God was in his cares. The shocker was when I found out after getting to know him, that he was gay. I struggled with this for a while and then God spoke to me. Homosexuality is a sin. There is no way around that, but the homosexual is nothing more than a sinner. It is the same with the struggles that I go through.... and that others go through. What makes homosexuality so different than lying to someone? Absolutely nothing! Do we love people who lie any less and treat them like they are not a Christian? Not typically... usually in that case we can accept the fact that everyone makes mistakes... so why can't we accept that homosexuality is a sin.... Let's look at this from another angle.... We were told (in Mathew) to go into all the world and preach the Gospel..... We were also told that the gates of hell will not prevail against us. Did anyone stop to think what that means? The gates of hell won't prevail? There is logically only one way that the gates of hell would be a stumbling block and that is if we are storming those gates. Jesus went into hell and took the keys. Think about this.... God wants us to storm the gates of hell.... He wants us to be unstoppable to the point that we could run into hell and attack. Ok, no.. we're not going physically into hell... but the meaning and anaology that Jesus used is what we need to look at. But if we boycot Disney and we restrict homosexuals from our churches -- how are we storming the gates of hell? When I say we need to promote diversity, I dont mean that we need to tell everyone it's ok to be a sinner... the same way with the world tolerate. We dont need to tolerate the sin.... we need to tolerate the sinner. And if this means letting them go on doing what they do, then thats what it means. Keep it out of our lives, yes... but if you stop there and walk away from that homosexual, what purpose have you served in God's Kingdom? The only thing you have done is removed any positive exposure from them as well as completely turned them against God even more than they probably already were. I live in Virginia now... and here I have to say that I have 2 friends that I could single out and say that they are my best friends in VA. Both of them are homosexuals. Why? I dont know why they are my best friends.... other than God is working something... I dont know what it is... I dont know where I'm going.... the point is, I love both of these guys with the Love that Christ wants us to show others. The one friend told me that he really saw me as being different than most Christians he met. People.... This guy hates Christians.... yet we're the best friends that we can be. This has to say something, doesnt it? My friend knows that I dont support homosexuality... I know that he doesnt support Christianity.... but I can still show the Love of Christ, can I not? When he told me that he thought I was so much different than any Christian he met before, I rejoiced. I dont want to be your "typical Christian" ... I want to be someone who is going to do the work of God. If this means accepting people for who they are, then that is what I am going to do. When I lived in Orlando, God was doing something... and I'm sure He still is. And the Power that was felt in Orlando was because of diversity. Diversity both within the church and within secular society. Baptist churches working with Pentecostal chruches... Christians working with homosexuals.... There was a great move of God down there. Then you look at Greensburg, PA and see 20 churches on main street and not one of them knows what the one next door is doing.... and then people wonder why God isn't moving? Quit trying to save the saved! You may not agree with the same things I do... but we both love God... let's put our effort into reaching the people that need reached instead of arguing who is right. Going into all of the world doesnt mean leaving our country... it means leaving our comfort zones and our churches.... That is what going into the world means to me. Believe it or not, my 2 best friends in VA are part of the world too. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
That was you and me Started out so endlessly Shattered on the ground I hear the sound Crash Ringing in my ears I still feel the sting of my tears Someone wake me I can't seem to break free [Chorus] Go on Get out of my head I'm on the wrong side of a parallel universe Am I alive or just dead I've been somewhere in the dark Living in a crash world Hush Don't say one more word At this point the truth seems observed Cut to the word If gone forever Crash Underneath the fears Everything's so twisted and weird Someone save me I can't seem to break free [Chorus] Go on Get out of my head I'm on the wrong side of a parallel universe Am I alive or just dead I've been somewhere in the dark Living in a crash world [Other people] Crash world, yeah yeah Slow motion Devastation Shoulda' seen it But I couldn't do nothing emotion Desperation Someone save me I can't seem to break free [Chorus] Go on Get out of my head I'm on the wrong side of a parallel universe Am I alive or just dead I've been somewhere in the dark Living in a crash world [Reapeat twice] [Other people] say twice Crash world, yeah, yeah "Crash" by Hillary Duff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, July 09, 2005 |
You've gone and left me on the ground. Something isn't right in this world called confusion. You gave it all away before you could lose it. Something isn't right here on the ground. You never said goodbye. You died. You chose to carry on a lie. Something isn't right here. You've gone and left me on the ground. "Something isn't Right Here" by Juliana Theory (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, July 06, 2005 |
TwilightKnight: all i do is wait for Desert crisis 1.5 and play counter-strike all day Dr SpaZZo: Heh. Dr SpaZZo: Which, by definition, means I have more of a life than you Dr SpaZZo: Pity TwilightKnight: well i was making out with a girl today Dr SpaZZo: Liar Dr SpaZZo: Theres no such thing as a "girl" TwilightKnight: yes it is true! TwilightKnight: they arent the tales and ledgends we thought them to be TwilightKnight: they exist and live on the outside! TwilightKnight: In the daylight! Dr SpaZZo: Outside? Daylight? Now you're just making words up. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Oh well... Such is life. Tomorrow could prove to be interesting. God is in control. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Following is a commonly used list of characteristics of codependency. 1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you 2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you 3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain 4. My mental attention is focused on you 5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you 6. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way 7. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems 8. My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain 9. My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests 10. Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me 11. Your behaviour is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me 12. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel. 13. I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume 14. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you 15. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do 16. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do 17. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship 18. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you 19. I put my values aside in order to connect with you 20. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own 21. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours I kind of had a feeling that this list was going to match Tiff in relation to her parents.... but I didnt realize how much it matched me.... but according to other information from other sites the symptoms I feel are because of an insane love and care..... wow... this is interesting stuff. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
For now, I really do just need to wash my hands of Tiff. The issues that occured mainly were because I just loved her too much... and I think that she would even agree with that. I wanted her dreams to come true for her so bad that I just screwed things up.... Honestly... I do just totally love her... and I always will.... But until she changes some things, there isnt a damn thing I can do.... I was told to do some research on "co-dependancy" or something like that.... so I'm gonna look into it.... I'm sure it will help..... I like researching stuff like that. God really did just let His peace fall on me again. The way He has been doing that is really amazing. I've never experienced anything like it. Thanks everyone, for your prayers. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Lots of things are going through my mind right now..... One is why did I go to Lock Haven? Apparently that was nothing but a waste of time and money.... but then... why did I open up to Tiff? Why was she the one I felt comfortable finally opening up to? Why? What was different? Why did God let me meet her and let me pull her away from the guy she was going to marry? Why was I so sure that she was the one I was going to marry? Why did I believe the things that she told me? I really wonder what would be different now if she didnt stay in DuBois.... Things were being set up perfectly for her to leave there.... but she wouldnt... Over the last week I have had nightmare upon nightmare of her parents hating me... and even some instances of Jim.... Would things have been different? Was this confusion that she has again the result of her parents? I think there is a good possibility. But I dont know. .... I just gotta get over this.... I really have to..... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I'm on the other side, back among the living Ain't a cloud in the sky All my tears have been cried And i can finally say [Chorus:] Baby baby stay Stay right where you are I like it this way It's good for my heart I haven't felt like this In God knows how long I know everything's gonna be okay If you just stay gone I still love you and i will forever We can't hide the truth We know each other better When we try to make it work We both end up hurt It ain't supposed to be that way [Chorus:] Baby baby stay Stay right where you are I like it this way It's good for my heart I haven't felt like this In God knows how long I know everything's gonna be okay If you just stay gone When we try to make it work We both end up hurt Love ain't supposed to be that way [Chorus:] So baby baby stay Stay right where you are I like it this way It's good for my heart I haven't felt like this In ooh in God knows how long I know everything's gonna be okay If you just stay gone I know everything's gonna be okay If you just stay gone "Stay Gone" by Jimmy Wayne (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
http://yro.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=05/07/05/2246234&from=rss (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, July 05, 2005 |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I hope to God I can fall asleep and just forget about all of this... Not to mention get at least 3 hours of sleep. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tonight was a pretty good boost... I really needed it... I do hope things start changing for me soon tho... There is a lot on the horizon.... Lots of options ahead too... I really don't understand what God is doing. Not my place to figure out tho.... I just could really use more face to face time.... Spending time with people works wonders for me.... But it just rarely happens for me. I guess under all of the excitement that's going on I'm still hurting pretty bad. Maybe it also has to do with the fact I haven't been able to afford my medicine for the last couple weeks..... I dunno.... I just really need more interaction with people... I think that's my best medicine. I came up to PA for that reason but almost everyone ignored me.... With the exception of Matt. Maybe its because no one is interested in what I am. I can't say that I'm an outcast in my family but sometimes I am a shadow. They are proud of me for who I am and what I know but the things I get excited about don't even phase them. A family of 5 and 4 of those have an intrest in gymnastics and one is into computers. Who gets left out? Yup.. me. Not that I blame them... This is who God made me... I'm different for a reason. Its just hard lacking these physical relationships. Well... Tomorrow is a long day... I have to get all kinds of stuff done and still be back home by 3.... This should be fun. Hope everyone had a great 4th.... Goodnight. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, July 04, 2005 |
I'm really pretty down right now.... I just feel so lonely.... Like I always do really. I don't do anything... Ever.... Why? I dunno... I guess I never have any money nor do I have anyone to do anything with.... Honestly, other than the lack of money... What is wrong with me? Am I just that annoying to be around? Maybe its because I am such a depressed person... No one really wants to take the time to really be a friend.... And I hear it all the time that I shouldn't need anyone to be happy... But I don't think the people that say that really understand me.... No I shouldn't have to have someone that is my whole world but at the same time my whole life is nothing but issolation.... Even at work I'm not physically around anyone... No one wants to make time to spend with me.... And when people make plans to spend with me, they almost always get cancelled.... I miss having someone but the truth is even when I had tiff, she wasn't there for me.... It was a struggle to see her.... And last week I got a letter from her and was so excited... Maybe it was just false hope.... I emailed a response like she asked me to and I still have no response. And this pain isn't really a tiff problem... Its just the biggest example of my problem. People are always saying that I just need to be myself but the thing is that "myself" isn't working. I struggle a lot to hold back tears and put on a happy face. I just don't know what it is that I need to change so that people enjoy being around me. I'm just a drag I guess... Tiff was the closest I ever got to someone loving me for who I am... But she had to give up too eventually because of whatever it is that's wrong with me. Ill make it... I do have God... But this isolation is killing me. And btw, as much as the friends I have online mean to me, it just isn't all I need. I love the people that I IM and email and stuff.... Beth is a good example... She really is a blessing to me but there still isn't anything physical there... I need someone to physically go to a movie with or go grab dinner... Or even just talk - face to face. I just don't know what I need to change but I hope I figure it out soon... Whatever it is about me that makes people not love me needs to change.... I need friends that want to spend time with me. Well that's enough of me complaining. Hope everyone is enjoying their 4th! Saturday night really boosted me watching the fireworks in Dulles - I really hope Monroeville will do the same... And this time ill have someone to talk to as well.... I sometimes wish Matt lived in VA... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I should just give up..... I'm tired of being alone but maybe if I accept the fact that I will always be alone it might be easier on me. *sigh* (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, July 03, 2005 |
http://www.onlycablecan.com/ Yes, I have cable.... and if I had a clear shot of the sky from my balcony I would be all over a sattelite dish. I think the funniest thing about this site (and the cable industry as a whole) is that the only way they feel they can survive is to bash teh sattelite companies -- and even go to the extent of bending truth or reporting outright lies. Anytime you see an industry or company start bashing another industry or company, its very obvious that they are struggling and they feel their only way of survival is to put them out of business. Don't believe me? Come live at my apartment for a week.. I'll show you how bad cable is! Yes, it is true that sattelite can not offer quality high speed internet... No, high speed internet is not an option over sattelite.... but can someone explain to me why my Verizon DSL with rated speeds lower than what I had with Adelphia actually performs better and faster? Very simple... Cable technology is not as advanced as they are making it out to be... add to this fact that all 50-90 channels that are in your "basic cable" package are delivered to you in analog... there is no digital on these channels. Sure, they hide them in your on-line guide on your digital cable box... but the signal is still delivered as analog.... So I guess the question is... when I can't get sattelite internet, but I can get sattelite TV and then get DSL from my phone company for a CHEAPER price than cable bundled with cable internet.... yea.... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I'm really beating myself up now. This is like the 2nd or third week in a row.... I made sure my alarm was set when I went to bed... and now I magically wake up at 2pm... I dont understand. I did end up going into the data center last night so I went to bed at like 3:30 but ive never had a problem waking up before.... I dunno... I just really wanted to go to church.... I miss it :( At least the fireworks were nice last night... it was a really good chance for me to kinda just enjoy something beautiful and just sit back and not have to worry. Well, I guess I'll get my shower and head up to PA now..... Have a great holiday, everyone! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, July 02, 2005 |
but really... Watching the cops ride around this mall on bicycles... Yea... Entertaining :) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=64479&item=6781604722&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, July 01, 2005 |
I see the one who bore all my shame To know that you are everything I need you to be You're my ever present help in time of need I know you understand it all So why don't I get back on my feet again Every pain I feel inside my heart It takes a faith I know I can't depart To know that you hear every cry I raise to you Bringing thoughts of hope the words I bring I know are few I know you understand it all So why don't I get back on my feet again You hear me when I call You're there when I fall You hear me when I call I know you understand it all So why don't I get back on my feet again "Understand" - Jeremy Camp (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
My mind has been racing tonight.... That's usually not a good thing. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Weeee.... Life is fun :) (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
How much fun is this? (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday is going to be hard.... I always loved curling up and watching fireworks with that special girl... doesnt look like thats gonna happen on Monday... More than likely I will be in PA and hopefully I'll at least get to go see some fireworks with family but alot of times they just dont go anymore.... I'd love to walk into my parent's house and see Tiff sitting there.... but its all just stuff I dream about I guess... Reality is I will probably end up going to see fireworks by myself in Latrobe.... As for my car... I dropped it off at the garage tonight. The good news is I didnt get stopped driving form work to the garage which I was concerned about. Leesburg has a cop for like every block and since my registration expired at midnight, I was sure I was done for. I just hope that I can get this car in the afternoon and make it to an inspection station without getting pulled over and then from there go online and renew my registration.... Lots of dreams for a perfect world, I guess.... It's all in God's Hands! (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved
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