BibleBoy's Blog: October 2005

Monday, October 31, 2005

It's Monday.... the one day a week that I'm supposed to be off and not on call or anything.... yet, as is usual, Carpathia managed to piss me off again. I have to work from midnight until 8am tonight.... that was planned.... but they ignore another customer and im stuck cleaning up the mess..... I cant do this anymore and in all honesty, my 2 weeks notice is in the very near future I think....

I'm taking a nap... I'm just a wreck right now....

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Sunday, October 30, 2005

For the first time in my life, I carved a pumpkin :)

mine is the cross..... Kim had fun with the small one.

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Posted @ 7:09 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Imagine a place only your soul can vision
The heart of a child who looks, sees and listens
She paints a picture using every color
And what she sees, she sees is like no other

[Chorus:]
One word, a voice unheard
You can change the world
With everything I know you're made of
One word, a voice unheard
You can change the world
If everyone would stop and listen

The art of innocence make so much sense
But placed inthe wrong hands, well then it's wasted
Filtered throught he eyes of a pure mind
A one-of-a-kind paradise for you and I

[Chorus]

Break the cycle, find your rhythm
Share the gift that you've been given

You can
You can change the world
You can change the world

[Chorus (repeat)]

"Change the World" by P.O.D.

Posted @ 3:54 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Friday, October 28, 2005

Duh!

Posted @ 2:48 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I'd like to see you in the morning light
I like to feel you when it comes to night
Now I'm here and I'm all alone
Still I know how it feels, I'm alone again

Tried so hard to make you see
But I couldn't find the words
Now the tears, they fall like rain
I'm alone again without you
Alone again without you
Alone again without you

I said stay, but you turned away
Tried to say that it was me
Now I'm here and I've lost my way
Still I know how it feels, I'm alone again

Tried so hard to make you see
But I couldn't find the words
Now the tears, they fall like rain
I'm alone again without you

I tried so hard to make you see
But I couldn't find the words
Now the tears, they fall like rain
I'm alone again without you

"Alone Again" by Dokken

Posted @ 3:10 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Man am I struggling.... There is just so much on my mind.... If its not finances, its jobs, if its not jobs, its relationships, if its not relationships, it's something else..... I want so badly to be loved by a girl that will never leave me.... So many people mean so much to me.... I just want to mean that much to at least one other person.... I broke into tears tonight at work..... I'm so close to my breaking point it's not even funny..... something has to change soon.... I need something... I need something happy.... I was hoping that Eli would be coming down with my dad this weekend so I could see him and spend some time with him.... it would have cheered me up.... but why would someone let that happen? I'm designed for this life to be misserable it seems.... I'm struggling so bad.... I have my faith in God but there is still so much pain right now... it's hurting so bad..... too much going on.... I really dont know how much longer I can hang in there.....

Please keep me in your prayers!

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There is nothing worse than breaking into tears at work and having to try to avoid customers so they don't see

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Thursday, October 27, 2005

I

Its now coming up on 3 weeks of not hearing from tiff... I'm guessing I'm supposed to take a hint? I just dont understand it tho.... its like she starts indicating that she wants to get closer to me again and things start working better and then all of a sudden she's just gone... thats it, just plain gone. Not even a "I need to stay away from you" or "its not gonna work" ... its just a disappear and your outta my life thing.... I still have the feeling that God's not done here but I'm so tired of being the only one fighting for what I feel God wants. Honesty is such an important thing to me..... its so hard when someone lies to me.... and its just as hard when someone doesnt want to tell me anything or share something with me that I really need to know.... I feel like this all the time and I hate it.

I just want to be happy... I want to have a very happy and healthy relationship... but maybe I'm not supposed to have that and thats why God lets me get burned by the people that mean the most to me?

I'm just worn out with all of this.... Lonliness is killing me :(

Posted @ 9:57 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I thought I was gonna see eli this weekend. He was gonna come down with my dad but now tanya won't let him.....

The good news is that stuff at carpathia seems to be giving some hope and its not a disaster like I thought it was going to be.

Will my life ever settle down? Probably not :(

Posted @ 9:23 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I just got an email.... looks like I have a new boss.... and I dont know that this is a good thing :(

Posted @ 4:26 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Slashdot | 20 Years of NES

First of all, Happy 20th, NES! Personally, I still want to know why I am the only person the remembers R.O.B.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this thread from the comments on that page:

I went from Atari 2600 straight to GameCube. Both are (were) great! I'm looking forward to my first experience with Zelda!
by readin (838620) on Wednesday October 26, @05:29PM (#13884337)
- How did that happen? Did you try to complete ET and loose 20 years through a nervous breakdown
- by FidelCatsro (861135) * on Wednesday October 26, @05:40PM (#13884425)

And for those of you who dont understand this at all, go play your Sega or whatever it is your playing now-a-days.... but If anyone does remember the E.T. Atari Game, there was a bug in the released software and it ended up that there was no way to complete the game.... nor did there end up being a point to it.

Posted @ 4:02 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

I can't understand it.... Why did God design me to be so emotional and to need that romantic bond to thrive but yet He doesn't give me a relationship that lasts. It seems I'm just stuck with a perpetual broken heart... And then when I finally get to the point where I'm ready to let go of what He took away from me, I get a glimpse of hope and everything surfaces again only for me to lose that which He gave me from any capacity. I don't understand this..... And I'm tired of having this anxiousness..... I need a stable relationship... A girl that is not affraid to stand by me..... For better or for worse as they say....... I'm really emotionally hurting right now.... :(

Posted @ 8:46 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Im feeling really anxious today..... almost like im on the edge of a panic attack.... its been a while since I felt like that..... I'm being so affected be some things now... and I dont know if they are good or they are bad. Looking at Tiff's picture just really does something to me right now and I dont know why.... She's so beautiful I just cant deal with it and to think that I lost her basically because she didnt think I treated her right or something.... it just keeps going through my head that I had the best girl in the world and I lost her.... and I wonder what I should have changed.... I dont understand. Also thinking about jobs and such.... and thinking about how I'm going to pay my bills.... and, honestly, a good bit of missing Eli too.... I asked Tanya if he could come down this weekend but I havent heard from her so I dunno if she'll let him.... I just want to cry..... I'm not feeling well either.... I just turned my heater on 2 days ago and now my body is trying to adjust and my throat is sore and my sinuses are still draining.... and I'm just worn out.... just totally worn out.... And maybe thats one of the reasons why I miss Tiff so bad.... when I had times like this, she was there for me.... I could just hold her in my arms and everything was better.... It's hard to think that she's gone. If I could change anything right now, being apart from her is what I would change..... even before the job situation and anything.... *sigh* Why do I have to go through all of this all the time?

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Virginia government is nothing but a big group of penis-heads.... and be happy that I censored myself!

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Tuesday, October 25, 2005

As I was going to sleep last night God really impressed something on my heart. The way a parent/child relationship should be also has a good indication of how we need to be as Christians leading those into the Kingdom. Hebrews 5:13 shows us that those who arent wise in the Kingdom yet are like those little children who still live on milk and not solid food. This reference is made multiple times in the New Testament (1 Corinthians 3:2, 1 Peter 2:2). The most important thing in a parent/child relationship is love and acceptance. The child is going to make mistakes and we must respond in love and accept the fact that they are not yet an adult. The same is true with someone who is a new Christian.

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Tell me this isnt cool:

Veggie Rocks

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Monday, October 24, 2005

I have recently been doing some reading (yes, me... believe it or not). What I just read really kinda hit me.... everyone knows that your relationship with your parents and the way your parents handle things directly affect the way you live life.... but I know that I, at least, never realized just how much. The child development process is crucial... there is a serious need for authority but yet you can cross the line. It develops how well you will handle situations in the future... how well you will stand in adulthood... I think we all knew that... but what I didnt realize is the 2 seperate ways a parent needs to behave. Around the age of 10 there is an incredible shift in the way a parent has to respond to their child. As a young child, its crucial that the parent set distinct boundaries.... the child at this point is forming a relationship with the parents and this is where they learn how to be a follower. The learn alot of how their world works.... as a teen, the parent needs to let go.... of course, this is a basis that I think everyone knows. The thing that is so different is in the earlier stages of parenthood, you need to be in complete control and the less that you have, the more dangerous it is.... in the later stages, it is COMPLETELY opposite. The more control you have in the late stages, the worse it is. If the teen can not seperate from his or her parents, then the teen can not survive in the real world. The shocking fact that I learned is that if the parent still has complete control through the teen years, this teen is alot more likely to be vulnerable to cults and the like. The interesting part is why this is. As adults, we look to different people for different things. We call a plumber when we have a leak but while the plumber is there, we dont ask him to repair our television. This is the way life is designed. God gave us each our own talents so that we can serve a certain purpose... we're not supposed to serve EVERY purpose. The problem is that if a parent doesnt let go in the teen years, the teen develops the need for a central point of everything and the result becomes replacing their Heavenly Father with a god-like figure on earth. Someone that they can go to for a solution to everything... which is obviously what a cultist is. There is certainly alot of damage done to those who don't end up in a cult (which, honestly, most dont). The problem is the person can not relate to their world. They are affraid of things of adulthood because their still in "child-like stages". One great example is sexual things.... The person is so pushed away from sexual relationships that they refuse even that which God has intended.... the reason is: they are still a child. They cant make clear decissions on what they want and need in life. They are perpetually confused at what is going on and can't make sense of alot of things. This is all a result of the parent not letting go when they time came. Many times the person is affraid to do what they need to do because of the high influence of their parents. God said to "train up a child in the way that he should go. This means not letting the parent's desires for their child affect God's blueprints for that child. When a parent doesnt let go, the person is more focused on what their parents have put in them than what God's actual plan is for them. We are to train them in the way they should go.... God doesnt say "Show them where they should go" ... It's a matter of pointing them in the right direction but not to the exact point... the exact point is for God to decide.

I dont really understand why this idea struck me so heavily.... maybe it's just a way of preparing me for my future as a father.... I dont think this has much bearing on my personal life (I'm sure some may, tho). The book I was reading isnt even focused on that subject.... but it was in there.... and it hit me, so I needed to share it......

I think I may go watch some more TV and continue this day of (hopefully) complete relaxation.

Posted @ 8:54 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I slept till about 2pm today.... then I got up and did a few things and start watching TV around 4:30.... next thing I know, it's 7pm (now) and I'm waking up..... I have to say tho.... this day was MUCH needed. I'm gonna go see if I can find something to eat.... I'm STARVING!

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Why do I bother?

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Sunday, October 23, 2005

I'm not afraid to fall
it means i climbed up high
to fall is not to fail
you fail when you don't try
not afraid to fall
i might just learn to fly and
i will spread these wings of mine

Chorus:
If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
we get up anyway
If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
I might fall back down again
We'll just jump and see, even if it's the 20th time
we'll just jump and see if we can fly

I'm not afraid to fall
and here i told you so
don't want to rock the boat
but i just had to know
just a greener side
or can i touch the sky
but either way i will have tried

If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
we get up anyway
If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
I might fall back down again
We'll just jump and see, even if it's the 30th time
we'll just jump and see if we can fly

i'm not afraid to fall
I've fallen many times
they laughed when i fell down
but i have dared to climb
I'm not afraid to fall
i know i'll fall again
but i can win this in the end

If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
we get up anyway
If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
I might fall back down again
We'll just jump and see, even if it's the 40th time
we'll just jump and see if we can fly

If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
we get up anyway
If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
I might fall back down again

"Get Up" by SuperChick

Posted @ 5:11 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

God really spoke to me in today's sermon.... on the way home I was trying to think how I was going to put it into words.... and I can't... so click the link below for an mp3 of today's sermon.

The Great Gamble - Mike Eppes
New Life Christian Church - Dulles/Ashburn, VA

Posted @ 5:01 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the sand on the shore
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it once more.

Chorus:
Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
to give it away to You Jesus

How many times have I gone astray
The number is the same as the stars in the sky
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it tonight.

"Take My Life" by Third Day

Posted @ 11:29 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I'm a very passive person and you cant really offend me by saying something.... but if you want to hurt my feelings, just dont say anything. People seem to have this thing for ignoring me... I wish I was someone special and important to others that they would want to talk to me but I'm not... I'm just a regular ol' person.... I'm not the brightest, not the cutest, definately not the richest....

Posted @ 12:57 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I'm so out of it.... I hung out with Beka, Kim, and Nathan tonight and I just couldnt snap out of whatever it is that I'm in.... I kinda feel bad. What's really sad is that I'm looking forward to Nov 8th.... thats the day I have my test at the hospital and since I will be put to sleep, I might actually get some real rest for the first time in a long time..... I'm just drained... I'm numb... I'm not depressed -- just out of it.... My mind seems to be somewhere else.... maybe analyzing what is occuring... I'm not sure.... something is going on.... I know God is watching over me so I'm just going to leave it in His hands..... but man am I drained..... I want to be me again....

Posted @ 12:25 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Saturday, October 22, 2005

So the dream I had.... I was at a party with a bunch of my friends from church.... and one of our pastor's, Mike, called and said he was running a little late because he had to pick someone up on his way. When he arrived I saw him get out of his car along with a cute little girl with a yellow baseball cap on..... she got closer and closer and I realized it was Tiff..... she came in and saw me and run over to me and just wrapped her arms around me and said "I'm really never going to let you go again. I can't live without you and I know we need to be together" .... I think I cried in my dream and maybe in real life too because I was so happy.... then I woke up and became real sad because I realized that it was just a dream.... I havent even heard from her in a while...

I used to be so happy ... when I first moved to VA, I had a great job, a great place to live, and an awesome girl..... and even tho my apartment hasnt changed, the others did.... but then the cost of living set in..... I have alot of good things now such as my friends from my church.... but I'm just not as happy as I was.... maybe it's because of the financial stress.... maybe it's because I was so happy with Tiff and now not only do I not have her, but I dont have anyone. I guess the praise in all of this is that I am not depresed... I'm just sad about the things that I have lost and that I'm being so stressed by people now.... I'm ok.... I'm just not happy, yaknow?

Once I had a dream of Tiff and I getting married, Carpathia growing and me making a decent living, having beautiful children and completing my life long goal of being the best father and husband that I could be.... Most of the aspects of that dream are fading away.... the first half of that dream relies on other people to be in sync with my dream.... and that just isnt the case.

Thankfully, it is the weekend... I think I'm going over to Kim's tonight and we're gonna hang out (beka, nathan, me, kim, and whoever else is going I guess).... then tomorrow is church.... I'm really glad of that... I wish my church met every day.

Posted @ 12:54 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

There’s a ship out, on the ocean
At the mercy of the sea
It’s been tossed about, lost and broken
Wandering aimlessly
And God somehow you know that ship is me

’cause there’s a lighthouse, in the harbor
Shining faithfully
Pouring it’s light out, across the water
For this sinking soul to see
That someone out there still believes in me

On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on
Raining down, against the wind
I’m reaching out ’til we reach the circle’s end
When you come back to me again

There’s a moment we all come to
In our own time and our own space
Where all that we’ve done, we can undo
If our heart’s in the right place

On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on
Raining down, against the wind
I’m reaching out ’til we reach the circle’s end
When you come back to me again
And again I see my yesterday’s in front of me
Unfolding like a mystery
You’re changing all that is and used to be

On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on
Raining down, against the wind
I’m reaching out ’til we reach the circle’s end
When you come back to me again

When you come back to me again

"When You Come Back to Me" by Garth Brooks

Posted @ 12:10 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I may not be sleeping well recently but last night I had enough time for a truly wonderful dream.... but while the thought of that dream cheers me up, its hard to think that it was just that... a dream.

I'm really not feeling too well today. I dont know whats been going on with me but I just can not sleep.... maybe its just because there is so much on my mind.... I dunno.....

I just wish the dream would come true.....

Posted @ 9:27 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Friday, October 21, 2005

Well, I guess you guys all can now see my new desk at Carpathia in the "executive office" ... now if I was only an executive :)

Posted @ 5:18 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

So tired... But still can't sleep. I miss lock haven.... At least when I went to school for that year I had a friend I could rely on. Any night I needed to talk or hang out, that friend was there. So many good memories.... Why do good things have to come to an end?

Posted @ 3:27 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Was at work until well after 2am..... actually, it was closer till 3am.... this morning a little before 9am I get paged (no, I'm not on call during the week) because ... well, it was stupid.... whatever.... now I'm up.... with less than 4 hours of sleep..... *sigh* Im so drained..... No time to relax... and now less and less time to even sleep.....

Posted @ 10:12 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

No matter how frustrating your job may be... or even if you totally hate it, it's still nice to see something your a part of make the news for something cool.

GameHosters/Freaks-Network to Provide CAL-AA Playoff Servers

For those of you that don't know, GameHosters is a sub-brand of Carpathia Hosting.

Posted @ 12:32 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

There's a cross on the side of the road
Where a mother lost a son
How could she know that the morning he left
Would be their last time she'd trade with him for a little more time
So she could say she loved him one more time
And hold him tight
But with life we never know

When we're coming up to the end of the road
So what do we do then
With tragedy around the bend?

Chorus:
We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
Today we remember to live and to love
We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
Today we remember to live and to love

There is a man who waits for the tests
To see if the cancer has spread yet
And now he asks, "So why did I wait to live till it was time to die?"
If I could have the time back how I'd live
Life is such a gift
So how does the story end?
Well this is your story and it all depends
So don't let it become true
Get out and do what we are meant to do

Chorus

Waking up to another dark morning
People are mourning
The weather in life outside is storming
But what would it take for the clouds to break
For us to realize each day is a gift somehow, someway
So get our heads up out of the darkness
And spark this new mindset and start to live life cuz it ain't gone yet
And tragedy is a reminder to take off the blinders
And wake up and live the life we're supposed to take up
Moving forward with all our heads up cuz life is worth living

Chorus (to fade)

"We Live" by SuperChick

Posted @ 1:52 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I was actually feeling much better.... then I got home and my electric bill was in my mailbox... alot more behind than I thought :(

Posted @ 1:58 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

There are people in my life who I wish would realize that the more they try to avoid hurting, the more they actually hurt me.

Proverbs 14:25

Posted @ 11:29 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
on to the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes
to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone

Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
On top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

Chorus:
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe-

I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
Cause Jesus you are the voice of truth
And I will listen to you, you are-

"Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns

Posted @ 1:28 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

The da vinci code has got to be one of the worst things created under the influence of satan.

I don't think I have ever made a statement that strong.... But if anyone follows God and His Word, I can not see how they could recommend that anyone read that book - nor any other by that author.

Why do I say this? Its extremely blasphemous. I know the argument most would give me is "its fictional" or "its only fantasty". To that I say: WRONG! Fantasy that has contreversay would be something like Harry Potter. The background behind the author of Harry Potter is of occultic influence but I still may buy the "fantasy" idea. The problem with the Da Vinci code is that it attempts to directly shatter the foundations of Jesus' life. It doesn't outright go against God's Word like fantasy stories but it mixes in true facts to make it easier to swallow the lies. Could you get anyone to swallow cyanide straight? Nope.... But you might sneak it in by adding it to someone's coffee.... That is exactly what the da vinci code is doing... Its a mix that is deadly.... And I don't think anyone should support it.

Now I will say I have never read the book but I have just watched a history channel special about it and I felt a drain in my spirit while watching it....

I'm a very accepting person and I don't condem people so if you read and support this book, you will have no condemnation from me.... But I do have to express that I think the da vinci code may be one of the subtle attacks on Christianity that satan loves to use.

Posted @ 4:12 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Monday, October 17, 2005

Well I got my internet back and I am a good bit more relaxed. It seems it all caught up to me today and I got extremely stressed. I really just need to focus on what God is doing.... not trying to figure out the plan, but to follow the plan. Truth is, I'm scared.

There is a meeting at work tomorrow that they just scheduled today. I'm pretty anxious about it....

Alot is going on.... entirely too much. I need some relief from all of this... I pray that it comes soon. God is definately taking care of everything but sometimes the human mind can't comprehend that and it creates these overwhelming feelings.

I dont know what else I can say... I'm having a hard time putting down in words my feelings right now so I'm just going to ask for everyone's prayers and I will continue trying to relax the rest of the evening.

Posted @ 11:00 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

For that which I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. But if I do the very thing I do not wish to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that it is good. So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which indwells me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the wishing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I wish, I do not do; but I practice the very evil that I do not wish. Romans 7:15-19

Posted @ 3:57 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I wish Jesus would come today. I don't want to go on. What little I have is falling away it seems. The people at my job don't like me.... All my utility companies hate me because I can't pay my bills on time because I don't make enough.... I have no special person in my life and it seems I would have nothing to offer anyone anyway. The only thing I have right now is a great church and the friends I have from that church.... But its not that I can call them up and just go hang out and that's not because of them... Its because of my job.... My schedule doesn't allow me to do anything at all.... Plus I don't make enough to pay my bills, let alone do something to relax.

Since Saturday I have been on a downward spiral and I'm scared. I'm really hurting right now........

Posted @ 2:41 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

just got transfered and got the message that my estimated wait time is 24 mins.......

I'm tired of dealing with this crap. With everything, I just want to cry.... I can't deal with it..... I just cant.

Posted @ 1:48 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Well..... Once upon a time Bell was split up because of their monopolistic power..... Over the years the resulting companies have merged into a company called Verizon who focused on customer service.... But now, they have become a monopoly and have no need for customer service. Yes, its time that they show their monopolistic powers. *sigh* ... At this point I am still on the phone.... Its been over an hour.... Still no resolution. And obviously there will be no compensation for their errors.

Posted @ 1:45 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I finally called verizon and didn't get the message "all of our lines are full and we can not handle your request at this time *click*".... But now the system said my estimated wait time is 23 mins..... I'm in complete shock regarding this...... Not to mention extremely frustrated..... I wonder how much a wireless transmitter from here to the data center would cost.... Heh....

Posted @ 12:34 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

I swallowed my pride tonight.... Finally..... And it fell on deaf ears. Every day that goes by, I realize more and more that some things just can not change. Everyone can change, but some people don't want to. Maybe there is nothing else to be done.

Before all that tho, I had a good day. Church was great. Then we went to lunch and this evening we (me, kim, beka, nate, and carl) met up at beka's. It was a good night.

Posted @ 1:22 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Sunday, October 16, 2005

I'm really having a rough time in life right now.

Posted @ 9:44 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Saturday, October 15, 2005

My world is closing in
On the inside
But I'm not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I'm broken
I'm broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I'm falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in