Thursday, August 31, 2006

I've been here many times before. There are so many questions rolling around in my head. Topping that list is, of course, "why me?" I'm doing the best that I can but this is becomming a much harder struggle than I had even anticipated. Part of me wants to just run back to Kim anyway and tell her that I can't live without her. Well, its the way I feel. God is going to get me through this and I rationally know that its not that I can't live without her -- its only that I dont want to live without her. Of course, I am still battling this love thing.... my heart really feels that Kim loved me... but the more I've been thinking tonight, 1 Corinthians 13 keeps coming to my mind.... love endures. Maybe its just that I want to believe whats easiest for me to believe? I mean, if Kim loved me, then at least I feel less stupid.... but then again, if she did really love me, would she have given up?

I guess a big part of me just feels stupid in so many ways. I gave my heart away to someone that didnt want to keep going. I respect her decission and its not even that I can't understand it.... its just that I keep running into this situation. Why is it that it seems I have a totally different view of what love means than anyone else I ever dated.... and God, please tell me why Kim felt the same way!

I'm trying to be strong... but maybe thats my problem.... maybe I'm just not supposed to be strong.... but God knows I dont want to just start bawling here in the middle of the data center... I've come close.... I think I'm gonna be able to leave in about a half hour.... I sure hope so.

It's been a really long time since I've had emotional pain start causing this much physical pain. It kind of makes me wonder why I even try anymore. Every single time I find someone, it just rips my heart to shreds. Each time it's someone more amazing... and each time I end up with more shreds. I dont understand the contradiction of everyone saying anyone would be lucky to have me but yet no one will fight with me... and its not even that Im asking someone to fight for me... I want someone who will fight WITH me.... someone that believes in the same things I do.

I know that I must endure... and I know that God will be with me. I'm just really hurting. I thought that maybe this time I was going to be stronger but I think I feel worse in this scenario than I have before. Does that mean that Kim meant more to me? Maybe it just is that im tired of it happening over and over again. The physical body gets weaker with every hit to the same spot. Eventually, that spot wont be able to take much at all. My emotions are the same way. Getting hit is part of life -- but for me, I get hit in the same spot.... over and over again. It happens the same way every time and I just dont understand.

A big part of me wants to just give up and say this fight isnt worth it -- but my desire to have a family is too strong. But I dont know how much more of this I can take... I mean... I prepared myself for this to happen. I spent time with God and really tried to be as strong as I could.... but I just cant be strong anymore. I've been hit here so many times and this part of my emotion simply cant take anymore. Just like someone who has had brain surgery isnt going to play football... thats exactly how I feel about even bothering with another relationship.

I know that I am going to make it.... I'll be fine. But knowing that I'll be fine does not take the pain away and it especially doesnt make me any stronger in this area.

Please pray for me... Please pray that God would minister to me... and I say this in a very un-selfish manner: Please pray for Kim... this isnt any easier on her.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

One of the hardest things that I face is something I face over and over again. I find someone that is worth fighting for and someone that I go to the ends of the earth for... and I'm told I'm worth so much but yet when it comes down to fighting for me, I'm all of a sudden not worth what I was told I was.

There is a lesson in all of this, I'm sure. Well, I know for one that I have to learn that I can not help everyone. I dont understand. But as has been the theme God is pushing on me -- its in my weakness that He is strong.

I dont understand why things happen how they happen. I dont understand why Tiff and I talked for hours last night -- why last night of all nights. And why did I stress so much that I could not go visit Tiff even tho she wanted me to because it wouldnt be fair to Kim. Some people tell me that I think of others more than I think of myself but maybe I have joy when I can help someone else.

As you may have guessed by now, I'm single again. Kim's family does not approve of me and I respect Kim's decission that she needs to break it off. My God is stronger than this and I will make it through. It hurts.... more than anyone will ever know.

Many girls I dated ended the relationship by saying the really did love me. I have never believed a word of it -- until now. Kim loved me.... She loved me whole heartedly. I guess thats why it makes it so hard. To me, love is something that endures... This is something I will struggle with. I know in my heart that Kim loved me... yet in my mind, I know that love should overcome anything. I told Kim tonight that as long as her decission was based on what her heart was telling her, then everything was going to be just fine. In this situation, I will believe what my heart is telling me: Kim loved me.

So I'm still here at work.... and I guess now that the phone call is over, so is my break. I'm going to try my hardest to get things done quick because I'm really trying to hold the tears back until I get home.... this is going to proove to be very difficult. But I'll keep my chin up and put this in God's Hands. For the first time I really honestly know what is meant by "Its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." Kim changed my life and I will always be a better person because of her.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side." Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?" He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the w ves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!" --Mark 4:35-41

All of us go through some incredibly trying times. So many times we are in that boat and we're scared to death. The storm is blowing all around us and it seems that there is no end in sight. I think one part about this Scripture is "so that it was nearly swamped." The most important word in that sentence is nearly.

I think there is a signifigant difference between what we can handle and what will crush us. Philippians 4:13 says that we can do anything in Him and 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us that we will never be tempted beyond what we can bear. We're always able to come out from under that which is attacking us.

But can we be given more than we can bear? I always hear people holding on to the fact that we'll never be given more than what we are able to handle -- but then I read Paul's writtings in 2 Corinthians.

And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. 9Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. -- 2 Corinthians 1:7-9

To me, this shatters something that everyone around me -- including myself -- has thought. I think the wording that Paul used is crucial because he says that they were under great pressure but he never says that they were crushed. They were not able to bear that pressure. I dont believe this is a contradiction to 1 Corinthians 10:13. I believe that both of these Scriptures are very comforting. I believe that God will not allow you to be tempted more than you can handle and I know that He will not let us be crushed or swamped. But what if we experience something that we simply can not endure? If we experience something that we can not endure, then I believe that God thinks very highly of us in those moments because He knows that we are at a point that we can totally trust in Him.

Time and time again God has reminded me that when I'm weak, thats when He is strongest. Its so much easier for me to get in the way when I know or I think I know what God is doing. The more clueless I am, the less ability I have to get in the way. If there is more pressure on us than we can endure, then that means that God is right there with us ready to lift that burden and give us relief from it. Again, it has to be repeated that in Mark 4, they were nearly swamped. In order to have a diamond, the stone is put under extreme pressure for years and years. The pressure put on us is just that -- shaping us into the perfect gem that God wants us to be. James 1 is a great source of comfort when we are under trial.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. -- James 1:2-4

I like how he uses the words "trials of many kinds." It's a reminder that we are going to face alot of different things in our lives.... but being told that we should consider it pure Joy is an incredible thing. Again, I also like the use of the word perserverance. He says nothing about what we can handle or not handle -- he just says that whatever it is, we need to persever. And as if that passage wasnt already chock full of important points, we're also told the importance of faith. Hebrews 11:1 tells us that faith is the evidence of things that we can not see. In those situations that the waves are so high that they are nearly swamping us, what we dont see is that God is not worried -- and it is only in faith that we have evidence of this. Scott Krippayne does a song that goes "Sometimes He calms the storm, and other times He calms His child." Those are such reassuring words. Our faith is the evidence that God will do one of these.

I don't know about you, but I am sure comforted in knowing that God is watching out for us and that even in the moments that we feel we can not move forward, God is there ready to lift the burden but for every second that we endure that hardship, we are being made into something incredible and God is preparing to do something big. With those thoughts, I certainly can consider it Pure Joy!

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat and then
on to the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes
to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone

Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
On top of them lookin' down
I soar with the wings of EAGLES
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe-

I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
Cause Jesus you are the voice of truth
And I will listen to you, you are-

"Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

1 Corinthians 16:13

Micah 7:5-7

Matthew 7:6-8

1 Corinthians 13:6-8

James 1:12

Hebrews 11:27

Hebrews 10:36

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Why do I try so hard to understand God's logic when I know that it is impossible for my carnal mind to comprehend it. God's got something great in store... and things dont look exactly the way I had hoped.... does that mean that what I hoped for won't come to pass? No.... but it doesnt mean that it will either.

What does it mean? Really.... all that is to be said is I dont have a clue what is going to happen in the next 24 hours. Tonight has been a series of some very strange and unexpected surprises.... I started trying to figure out how I feel about them but then I realized that it doesnt matter. No matter how I feel about them, they happened. No matter what I feel about the future, the future is coming -- and its all according to God's Will.... It is out of my hands, and thats really a good thing.... because this blog is full of 3 years of my mistakes :)

Yes, I'm scared -- but that doesnt matter. The first time you ride a roller coaster, your scared to death.... but the ride is worth it. I remember the first time I rode the SkyCoaster at Kennywood (for those non-pittsburghers, no that is not a roller coaster).... my gosh was I freaking out. I can't believe someone talked me into being pulled up 200 feet in the air on a rope only to be dropped in a free fall. Then... at the top.... being held by just a rope... and someone has to pull the rope.... man, what do you do? You're scared to be up there but your scared of the fall. I was very glad that the rope was pulled and I went plummiting towards the lake... Why? Well.... I didnt want to be hanging in limbo forever. That moment, your stomach doesnt jump -- it just disappears. You're free falling towards the lake and finally the cable throws you into a swing and next thing you know, you're flying almost 200 feet above everyone walking around the park. One of the most intersting things is, once that initial drop is over, you are still swining back and forth and flying well over 100 feet over people... but it doesnt feel like it.... you conqured that first free fall... you've tested the cable and you know that it's holding you. This isnt much different than the way I feel now. I'm hanging up there... I know that cable is attached to me but I havent seen it bail me out of *this* situation -- however, I have seen it bail many others out. Until I experience it, I'm going to be scared... then all of a sudden, I'll be swinging above everything else... all my troubles are below me and I'm flying over top of them just laughing and smiling -- knowing that I did it and the cable held me.... that cable is God. Then I imagine the next thing is to go and tell everyone else that they just simply HAVE to experience it.

Oh, the good news is.... this ride doesnt cost $25 a person :)

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

So no one ever plays music in the data center -- well, except me.

So why is it that someone just randomly decided to play a song at full blast.... And WHY oh WHY is it "God Bless the Broken Road" by Rascall Flatts?

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

About a year and a half ago, I'm sure anyone who actually reads this blog knows about the car drama. By the end of that ordeal, I was laughing at the misfortunes that came my way. Maybe thats where I'm supposed to get in this situation.

Either way, the horrible things that happened then turned out to be a great thing -- not just for me but for many.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

There is something I dont understand. How is it that someone can be so against you before they know anything about you? I also dont understand how it is that so many things stand in the way of love... like they are more important than love. In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul tells us that the most important of all these is love. I believe that to mean that love will conquer all and when you love someone, nothing can come between you. This isnt just true in romantic relationships but in friendships as well. How can you tell someone you love and care about them and yet something stands in the way.

What I really can't understand is.... why me? What is it about me that people dont like? Well, I guess its even more confusing because people hate me before they even meet me.... what's up with that? Why is this such a recurring nightmare for me? Why is it the same thing over and over again?

But I digress.... I'm stepping back and looking at the situation. God is working on something great. God has completely turned me around in less than 2 weeks time and the natural result is that satan is going to be ticked. But I can't sit back and just let him win. I will fight with all I have to see that which God is working on come to pass. I can come out of this alive and on top. The only prayer I have is that I'm not the only one fighting... That would be fine if this was a battle for one but when it's a battle for two, the other person has to fight as well.... and it has to be a battle that is worth fighting to them.

No matter what happens, God is with me... He brought me to this place for a reason. I may cry myself asleep again tonight but its not for no reason at all. I wish that this pain was not something I have to endure -- but if this is God's will, who am I to judge?

Please keep me in your prayers. Please keep Kim in your prayers. Pray that God's will be done.

"You're my soulmate, unless this takes work"
-- From a parody song by Dan Smith attacking what the world views love and marriage as

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

There you go changing my plans again
There you go shifting my sands again
For reasons I don't understand again
Lately I don't have a clue
Just when I start liking what I see
There you go changing my scenery
I never know where you're taking me
But I'm trying just to follow you

It's out of my hands
It's out of my reach
It's over my head
And it's out of my league
There's too many things
That I don't understand
So it's into your will
And it's out of my hands

There you go healing these scars again
Showing me right where you are again
I'm helpless, and thats where I start again
I'm giving it all up to you

Repeat Chorus

Move me, make me
Choose me, change me
Send me, shake me
Find me, remind me
The past is behind me
Take it all away
Take it all from me, I pray

Repeat Chorus

"Out of my hands" by Matthew West

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

08/30 [10:55] bblboy54: then its off to New Life.....
08/30 [10:55] jodi: yay!
08/30 [10:55] jodi: hopefully in more ways than one
08/30 [10:55] jodi: good luck with that... i think it's going to be a good day

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

When I mentioned about how I cried my eyes out while moving to Florida, I didnt realize that it was describing my night tonight. I'll keep pressing on with whatever it is I need to do but this is hard. It's so hard when every aspect of your life is suddenly unknown. It's even harder when your biggest fear is that you will screw everything up.

Im going to make another attempt at sleeping.... all I've succeded in doing so far is soaking my pillow with tears.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments: For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee. Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart: So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man. Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil. It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.
Proverbs 3:1-8 KJV

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Anyone out there that really knows me knows that my faith is tested in extreme ways at times. I have made many decissions in the past that seem to be stupid.... obviously things that I had not thought out -- but true only in logic.

I have always very strongly believed that God has purposes for people that do not seem logical. God is outside of our logic and we have to accept the fact that we can not comprehend who He is and why He does what He does. It's also very important to know that He may tell you to do something that doesnt make sense. You may be asked to go somewhere that you dont want to be. It's in these moments that God is about to do something very amazing... and the sadest thing is that most miss out on it because they are too affraid to take the first step.

As humans, we are very affraid to step into the unknown. We want to be around what we know and where we feel comfortable. This is our human nature and it protects us in many ways, however, it often will hinder us from being used as amazing tools of God. I am not different than this in my nature but thankfully, it is something that God has been working on me with for many years. I am very happy that in many cases, I took huge leaps of faith and followed something that God directed me in. I have battled alot of pain and alot of dissapointments.... I have struggled with alot of sin... I have also been in periods where I just went through the motions -- I served God without listening to what God wanted. While I appeared to be a man of God, I really was weak in my walk.

We are told in the Bible that in our weaknesses, He is strong. This can't be more true. When we are comfortable and we are in situations that we understand, it is harder for God to do something in our lives because we know how things work logically. When we are put in a position where we dont understand in the slightest bit what is going on, we only have the option of giving it all up to Him.... these are the periods that God works some extreme miracles.

Recently there have been some huge changes in my life -- and all for the better. I have met an incredible girl that God has brought into my life. She doesnt realize how much she was used by God in changing my life. I care about her very much and she means alot to me but one thing I am thankful for is that the changes that God used her to make in my life are not dependant upon her. If I never talk to Kim again, it doesnt mean I go back to where I was. In fact, I know God will take care of me if thats the case. It is my prayer that I never have to battle that again but in the book of James we are told that our life is a vapor. We're told that we shouldnt brag about tomorrow because we dont know what tomorrow will bring. We're just here for a little while -- however long God seems fit. I know what I want but I have to let go and let God do what HE wants.

In less than 2 weeks time, God has completely shattered bondages that I have been in. He has supernaturally broken me out of things that I had given up hope of ever being free of. I look at who I am today and who I was at this time last week, and I am amazed at the difference. For the past 6 or 7 days, I have read my Bible at least once a day -- this is something that has been a struggle for me. I find myself listening to Christian music alot more and I'm even considering switching from XM Radio to Sirius because they have a slightly better selection of edifying music.

With all of that said, I am realizing that there are alot more changes coming my way. They are changes that are unknown to me. The only thing I know is that the other end of the changes will be some awesome Joy.... what happens between now and then is totally unknown. How much pain am I going to endure? Who is going to be there with me? Even the "Where am I going to be living" question has come up. I realized this weekend that my heart really is in NoVA -- but its not totally into living in NoVA. Less than 2 hours away is what I enjoy and also a more manageable cost of living.

I have realized some important things. One of the biggest things is that if my true desire is to have a family and to be the best husband and father I can be, then when I start working towards that, a very serious era of my life ends. I have been working 80 hour weeks between New Life and MFC. It was what I wanted but that time seems to be coming to an end. God is about to move me into a new era of my life and I'm not sure what it is going to involve. My heart has never been in corporate america, but it was where I needed to be.... It may be possible that its time for me to work more towards what my heart has. I always said that if MFC got in the way of New Life, I would have to quit MFC and find another job that would allow me to work with New Life. Thats not exactly the case but it is raising some questions in my mind. Where is God taking me? I can't answer that. I carnally wish I could... but my soul knows that whatever happens is what is right.

I'm not going to lie to anyone. I'm scared to death. I remember making the move to Florida. It took me a span of 3 days to drive down to Florida, yet when I went up to PA to visit, I made it in 15 hours. I stopped 2 nights in a row at a motel on the way down and just layed and bawled my eyes out. I had never been more scared in my life.... but at the same time, I knew it was what I had to do. My heart kept pushing me forward and I look back and now know that those 4 months were quite possible the best months of my life. I'm starting to feel like I did when I was preparing for that move. I'm pretty certain that whatever move is about to come my way isnt going to take me too far physically, but I think that emotionally and mentally I may be pushed to a whole new phase.

Now is the time where I ask you for help. Whatever is coming my way, I am not going to be able to do on my own. I need prayer and I need people who are really strong in my life. I need people that I can rely on not to leave me or second guess where God is taking me. I need encouragement. Please keep me in your prayers and please be there for me. I pray that I can be there for you as well.

I am really scared but I also am really excited. I thank God for everyone who reads my blog. I thank God for my family and for my friends. I thank God for Kim... and I thank God for the people in my past who have made me who I am today. I thank God for those people at nLayer, MFC, Pull the Plug, and Defender Hosting.... all of them have been great influences on me and have helped me accomplish so many things.

Good things are coming.... I'm working my best to keep focused on God's plan and figuring out what He has for me.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

A friend just sent me this quote:

"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it."
-- Goethe

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

There are a few key points that God always impresses upon me. One of these is the body of Christ and the need for unity. Something that just hit me today is pretty interesting. When Paul writes to the Corinthians he writes two important thoughts right next to each other. In 1 Corinthians 12 he talks about the body of Christ and the need to work together and then immediately following that in chapter 13, he talks about love. I really dont think this is random coincidence.

The body is made up of different parts and each part serves it's own function. 1 Corinthians 12:19 says "If they were all one part, where would the body be". I think this explains why we have so many Christians who have completely different convictions. The problem is when we argue over those different convictions. One person believes Christian rock is evil, while another uses it as a witnessing tool. I whole heartedly believe that this is by design. The problem is when we fight amongst ourselves over who is right and who is wrong. Paul points this out in verses 15 and 16. When the Chrisitan body spends so much time fighting amongst themselves, there is an entire world that is going to hell.

I think this is why Paul writes about love immediately following the thought on the Body of Christ. It is in love that we are to except each part of the body and work together. One verse that really jumps out at me is 1 Corinthians 13:12. "Now I see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." This kind of tells me that Paul is giving us a really big hint that we are supposed to love without understanding. We dont understand the full picture and we dont (and can't) understand what it is that God is doing. The body of Christ is something that we can't fully understand, but we're being told that we need to love it anyway. It's crucial to what God's purpose is in our lives -- everyone's lives. Someday it will be revealed to us and we will see what He was doing all along. For right now, we need to love the body and love the lost. We need to walk in faith on this. Paul even tells us in the last verse of 13 that faith, hope, and love are all important. He also makes it clear that the greatest of those three is love. I love my girlfriend and subsequently have faith that she loves me back. I love God and subsequently have faith that He loves me back. I think love is a crucial element of faith so if we can't love the church down the street from our church, then we can't have faith that God is doing something really awesome.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

ADHD Adults and Relationship Issues

I have been spending a little time doing some research on ADHD because when I feel a certain way, I always want to know why. I guess, in a way, I'm kind of like the kid that wants to know how everything works.
At any rate, I ran across this link which has some information that really is kind of making me realize why sometimes I get frustrated at work.... What this guy writes actually helped me understand alot more in many areas of my life.
The thing that really jumped out at me is when he writes that it was so much easier for him when he had a list of what is expected of him... And I have to say, thats the way I feel. If I have a list of things to do or notes on the way someone wants me to behave, things go alot smoother... whats worse is when someone doesnt tell me or explain to me that they are upset with something I am doing.
I guess the thing is that if I have something tangible in front of me, I have a much better shot at everything going alot smoother.
I guess something that also kind of makes sense is why I have some trouble in friendships and relationships... It is very evident that God has made some huge changes in my life and all of these are definately for the better. He also has put someone in my life that genuinely cares about me and that I am able to totally trust. I think some really really good things are ahead but I also think that there may be a few rough times too. Any changes at all -- whether good or bad -- can be tough. Add to that the fact that satan doesnt want to good that God is doing to be easy... but one thing that is for certain when you are being attack -- It almost always means that God is doing something, or is at least going to do something, really awesome.

I would like to ask for your prayers. There are some great things (and person) in my life right now and I dont want to screw anything up.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

For whatever reason, I'm pretty down. I noticed that this afternoon I didnt have the ambition that I usually had. Then late in the afternoon and early evening, I started getting a bit of a headache. Now I just want to go to sleep... which is kind of odd for me at this time of day...
I'm kind of confused actually.... when I woke up I was so happy that I was laughing for no reason.... I'm actually kind of wondering if it has anything to do with switching from Adderall to Adderall XR. I guess if you do the math, 20mg at one shot twice a day is alot more than 20mg released a little bit at a time through the day. So if my assumptions are correct, I'm actually only getting half of what I was getting. I emailed my doctor so I guess I'll see what happens. I have some regular Adderall left so I'll probably just take that tomorrow.
Anyway, I should get this work done and get home and start a new day tomorrow. There are lots of REALLY good things happening in my life right now... No time to be down, right? :) Tomorrow will be a new day and things will be great. I just have to stay reading the Word like I have been the last little bit... that will be the key!
Anyone who says a few prayers for me, thank you very much!

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Monday, August 28, 2006

Does anyone have any thoughts on Romans 9:33? I think of the song that we sang in church at CFC (in PA)... "I lay in zion, a foundation, a stone. A tried stone, a precious cornerstone. A sure foundation, a sure foundation" .... however, this scripture kind of sheds a different light on the stone layed in Zion. Maybe it's a different stone or maybe I'm reading somethought out of context. Either way, this was in my reading today and it kind of jumped out at me. I think I'm going to do some looking into it later today but this is just the rambling of my mind :)

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Sunday, August 27, 2006

I think I'm oing to float away! :)

Its amazing how much God can do when you've totally given up. I guess its really true that in my weakness, He is strong!

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Saturday, August 26, 2006

So I'm pretty excited and looking forward to a great weekend. Don't expect to get a hold of me tonight.... finally taking some time totally away from work and associated stuff.... but not totally to myself :) A little anxious tho because this is my first date in 2 years but I'll just trust God that He'll make it great! Actually, I know it will be.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Friday, August 25, 2006

It has been an extremely long time since I've met someone that made my heart jump.... Havent really said much because I have a habit of jumping to conclusions.... but thank you, Kim. God has really given me something to smile about.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Thursday, August 24, 2006

It's incredible. Some who have been around my blog for a year may remember the situation last year when I cut myself in PA and had to go to Latrobe Hospital and they severly messed up my finger. In that situation I went to UPMC Presby for a second opinion. I just got a call that brought a lot of relief. Yesterday United Healthcare posted payment to that account. In one week it would have been a year. There have been letters and phone calls flying back and forth over that situation the entire year.

It just boggles my mind at how insurance companies handle things. The sad part is it was only a $400 bill. To me, thats a good chunk of change, but to an insurance company, I'm sure that's nothing. I actually have to say that I'm pretty happy with Kaiser -- but anything is better than MAMSI/Optimum Choice/United!

Sometimes I wish Geico had health insurance. They are one insurance company that I have really liked dealing with.

Anyway, lots to do today.... the world doesnt stop when your sick, I've learned :)

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

This is one of those days that everything just breaks -- including me.

My email should be working again. It seems the spam filtering service that I use for is, at times, filtering more than spam :) So the mx records have been changed and I will have to start looking for another solution.

I could list a lot of other things that broke or are still broke, but I won't.

I went to the doctor again. We are going to try another anti-biotic..... I'm tired of being misserable. The good news is I may have finally found a doctor that cares! I saw Dr Cooper today and I talked to him about other things and he agreed that there is no need for me to be going to a psychiatrist... Thank God! That's about $30 a month saved and the gas to drive to manassas.... Plus the fact that I don't have to waste the time.

Ok... Dinner time... Then its back to cleaning up technical nightmares.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

I'm having email problems..... Sorry

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Could someone tell my body that it is 7am and I should be asleep.... no, I mean really.... I should be asleep.

I don't understand whats going on. At about 1am I got an incredible burst of energy and it just hasnt gone away.... I totally missed what time it was until 5am and when I looked at my watch I was shocked and went right to bed.... and I layed in bed for at least an hour and just couldnt fall asleep.

... Odd

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

My God! Why didn't someone tell me it was 5am. I got started on a project and just got carried away.... Looked at my watch and realized why I'm sleep deprived :)

Ok.... Going to bed.... Now! :)

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Ok... 100% definate about this.... I have a new favorite movie. If you havent gone to see "Accepted" this weekend, there is still one day of the weekend left :)

Aside from the movie being absolutely hilarious, it makes a really good point.... That point can be summed up in two words.... and I'm going to put those words on their own line:


Ok... point made, I hope. But honestly, if you take whatever it is you do in life, you are expected to follow rules. Now, there are some rules that are good but too many rules can ruin your creativity. You go to college and you're expected to get good grades and pass tests in classes that have absolutely nothing to do with your major. You have an advisor that tells you what you should and shouldn't take. Then if you join a fraternity, you're expected to drink -- because thats what college life is all about? Or if you do really well in school, you're expected to go on to grad school and "make something of your life" .... Then get a job making the most amount of money possible... thats what life is all about, right? Being on top and making the most money so you can buy a house that is insanely too big for your small family. And hey, since you have a 5 car garage in that huge house, well, you're expected to have 5 cars... and maybe even one to sit outside. So does that sound over the top? Of course it does.... but to me, it sounds over the top with the first requirement: you're supposed to go to college.

It's not that college is a bad thing. It's that forcing someone into conformity based on something that God never intended that person for is a bad thing. But let's step aside from school. You're a Christian so you are expected to follow rules. Christians never swear -- well, at least when they are in public. Christians never sin -- well, ok, we know the secret that ALL humans sin including Christians but dont let anyone else in the world know that, right? You're expected to be perfect. Guess what: I'm not perfect! And neither are you.

How many kids grow up with expectations from their parents that they were not intended to meet? We're supposed to be perfect. Kids are told all the time that they are free to do whatever they want so long as its from a pre-selected list.

We all need to quit making and taking expectations. In school, in church, in the home or wherever else there are a predefined set of rules. I've been told so many times that I cant be a Christian because of [fill in any number of things]. I'm unorthodox... what the crap is orthodox anyway? Whetever it is, does the Jesus you read about in the Bible fit the bill of orthodox? Did He do everything is was expected to do? Heck no, the Guy made wine out of water. How many Christians today would faint if that occured now? I think I remembered Him raising people from the dead too. Are you going to tell me that was the expectation of the day? Come to think of it, maybe that's why the pharisees hated Him so much -- BECAUSE HE DIDNT CONFORM!

I dont want to be the person that fits your description of what a 26 year old male is. Nor what a Christian is, what a Northern Virginian is, what a person with ADHD is, what a person volunteering for my church is, or what an internet technician is. I want to break the mold and be who God wants me to be and if it doesnt fit your profile, leave me alone and stop trying to change me.

Thinking back to... wow, it had to be like 1st grade. One of my favorite movies back then was Short Circuit. I remember being at school and actually making believe we were robots (I wasnt the only Short Circuit fan). But I remember very clearly one day when we were in library the librarian asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up and I said I wanted to build a robot and I went into detail about the robot (it was basically Johnny 5, of course). I started explaining how it would have a laser on it that could blow things up and that it wouldnt be used for killing people and a girl in my class said something to the effect of "that's crazy beacuse there is no such thing as a laser" ... Well, ok... Short Circuit was science fiction but I remember the librarian saying "Well, maybe he's going to invent it then" ... By this point, I remembered feeling really heart broken... it was nice that the librarian stood up for me but I had a limitation thrown at me. I remember a couple of my friends coming to me that week with ideas of how I could make the laser work.... I was told that maybe I could put a bomb in a tube and have a fan on the back of the tube that would blow a stream from the bomb. Yea, it's funny now -- but when you're in first grade, it sounds great. The problem was, I didnt even care... I had a limitation set and as far as I can tell, I havent invented the laser.

Sure... if that girl hadnt given me that limitation, the chances of me making the laser were slim.... but, the question is, what could I have come up with? I mean... think about the person who invented Coca Cola. He was trying to come up with a headache medicine. It didnt work and I'm sure there were plenty of people that knew it wouldnt -- but if someone would have told him that, we wouldnt have Coca Cola today.

I've said all of this to make just two small points. Don't try to conform and fit in. Be yourself because that's who God created you to be and dont expect people to fit any paticular mold. God didnt create us all with the same mold so we can't be expected to be the same, can we?

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Banks suck!

I will soon be switching banks after this -- and it's sad because Wachovia has never been an issue but this is really upsetting. I made an error in my checkbook and missed an amount less than $10. I admit this was my error and I should be responsible for some NSF fees, however, the bank never turned off my check card. They said that a courtesy to me, they allowed me to continue using my check card and create a larger negative balance. Long story short, their "courtesy" to me results in $490 in fees for a less than $10 mistake. Additionally, I had a deposit that was processing but credited a day late. After arguing with them they refunded some of the fees but I am still out more than $200. I admit that this is my error but there are 2 things that I expect a bank to do: 1> Notify me that I'm overdrawn and 2> Stop letting me use my check card. There is no bank courtesy in letting someone go deeper into a negative balance -- it's nothing more than a scheme to make more money. I cant imagine anyone that would feel this to be a courtesty.

How often do banks try to get people to use their check cards more and more. They make money off of those transactions. I use my check card for everything and I have been punished for doing it.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Friday, August 18, 2006

I don't know what is making more misserable: the fact that I am physically sick or that I have not been able to do a single thing today. I didn't make it to the New Life office where there is still a good bit of work to do nor did I make to the data center where there is also a good bit of work to do.

Either way, I am completely misserable.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

So I guess it caught up with me.... I've been sick for almost a week but I've been able to keep going... Well, today I lay on the couch barely able to move :(

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Techdirt: Recording Industry Bans Musician From Charts For Supporting Free Music

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

I don't know how but God will get me through this somehow. Sometimes your world falling apart isn't what you'd expect. Sometimes its an over abundance of stupid little things that crush you like a bug.

I'm trying to keep my chin up.... Trying to keep my faith up. I know my reward is in the end so ill keep pushing forward... But its getting harder with each day that passes. Much harder.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

UPDATE: The RIAA obtains "abundance of sensitivity" from the story I posted yesterday.

Techdirt: Second Way To Ger RIAA To Drop Case: Die And Get Your Story Told Widely

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Monday, August 14, 2006

Why has this day not ended yet? :(

And if one more thing breaks, I'm going to scream!

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

I think I'm cursed.... and I dont know if I'm joking or not....

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

RIAA Wants to Depose Dead Defendant's Children

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Sunday, August 13, 2006

I was all set to come home from PA last night. Before I left I wanted to check a few things on my parents 55 Gallon Aquarium. The next words my parents heard from me was "Umm, we have water where we shouldnt" .... so that was interesting. Seems the tank is holding pretty well but it definately does have a leak. I was going to get Cichlids anyway so I'm just going to put priority on getting that tank set up down here in VA. Hopefully their tank will hold that long :)

Anyway, I missed church today (obviously) but while I was up there everyone was talking about the sermon that my 2nd cousin did at church a little while ago. My dad put it on CD for me so I listened to it on the way down.... Wow :)

I wanted everyone to be able to hear it so when you get 45 mins, you need to listen to this MP3:

"When Your World Falls Apart"

Chuck Carr
Christian Fellowship Center, Jeanette, PA

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Wal mart is just as irritating in PA as in VA now I guess.

Now that that's out of the way, I got to see eli tonight!! And actually, this was the first time I saw tanya in a long way. It was actuually nice. Sometimes I do wish I knew more about what was going on with her.

So I need to sleep but God knows I will be standing in line here for another hour to buy one item.

I so wish Target was 24 hours!

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Wired News: Giant Robot Imprisons Parked Cars

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Wednesday, August 09, 2006

I dont think I'll ever get 8hrs in a night.... no matter how hard I try.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Monday, August 07, 2006

Slashdot | AOL Releases Search Logs of 657,427 Users

Anyone starting funeral arrangements for AOL?

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Today -- or as some would say, yesterday -- was great! Ok, so the maintence window at 2am ended up lasting until about 45 mins ago but we got the network stuff done in the window but the clean up went till about 5 and, well, whenever tomorrow :)

But really, the message at church was awesome... It was about being real and God really really showed me alot and I might blog more about that later. But I got to relax alot and the New Life staff picnic was at 3:30 so I went there and it was a really great time to just relax.

Sometimes God really does something cool to remind you that you are important. I, as well as other staffers, dont know alot of the families so we had a huge group of people that we all didnt know each others names so we basically all went around in a circle and introduced ourselves. When it was my turn I made a joke (geek humor, of course) and Brett (the lead guy) joked back... It was fun, but anyway, I introduced myself and Brett stepped in and said "In all seriousness, Bob is the hardest working staffer/non-staff that I have seen" and everyone there gave me an applause.... Im not looking for credit... I mean, honestly, God is doing it all -- Im just a vessel.... but it really helps to know you are appreciated.... and for me, I think that appreciation means alot more than most people. Tonight I got better than any $60k salary a company could offer me.....

Another cool thing was after I left the picnic, I made a wrong turn but out in the Manassas area, things are really beautiful... I saw a farm up ahead so I just kept driving for about 20 mins and then I turned my GPS on and had it guide me back to Ashburn... If computers can get ticked off, mine was because it kept saying "off route" ... The reason for that was it said to turn 1 mile ahead and I fell in love with the scenary and just kept driving.... so yea, my computer was arguing with me but I just let it.... It had been a REALLY long time since I had just gone through a drive around farm land and trees and little country roads.... Driving by tiny little country houses that you can tell have been around for years.... Small houses is not something you see in Ashburn/Dulles/Etc... It's all about bigger and better.... but in Prince William County, it definately seems that they know the value in the small things.... the things that mean more than anything else.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Here you are at last
To bring my cold lonely soul sweet release
From my weary past
Always searching, the one missing piece was you
And I beg you, come away with me
And together we will find a place to call our own
I can’t wait to see what I can do
With a laptop like you

It’s not your CD slot
Or the Unix on which you are based
You make my lap hot
Cause underneath your aluminum case there’s love
And I forgive your strange one-button mouse
I forgive the way your keyboard leaves marks on your screen
I can overlook a fault or two
For a laptop like you

We will always be together
In love in spite of everything
Hang on tight through wind and weather
Heaven knows what time may bring

In a year or two
You will seem big and heavy and slow
I will carry you
To wherever it is laptops go to die
And don’t think it won’t be hard on me
How’m I ever gonna find a way to justify
The money I will spend on something new
For a laptop like you
For a laptop like you

"A Laptop Like You" by Jonathan Coulton
Click here to listen to this song

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Friday, August 04, 2006

So the sleeping thing.... yea... took one of those pills and it worked great for me falling asleep.... but 6 hours later, I was awake.... Although, I think that it was a much more restfull sleep. Physically I feel alot better than normal.... but emotionally, I feel like complete crap... but some of that is probably because of some of the events of the day (yea, already).

There's got to be a reason for all of this.... I hope.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Thursday, August 03, 2006

dagnabit freaking redskins..... why must they practice in the same
industrial park that the data centers are?! We have enough traffic......

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Well first, I had my appt at the hospital today because I needed some medicine tweaked and my primary care doctor didn't have the time to take care of it. So I have a new diagnosis and this one is a real shocker: sleep deprevation. So ya, now I get pills to help me sleep. Why do I have to be such a mess.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Ok so I guess I give up on someone wanting to go to purple door with me this year. I've missed it the last couple years but not this time. I'm getting used to doing stuf alone so I'm going alone I guess. I don't want to miss it again.

Sigh ... Maybe I do have friends but what's the point if they don't want to do anything with you?

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Something really heavy on my heart right now is how alot of people dont follow their dreams and dont do what they are supposed to do all because of what someone else thinks. Avil Lavigne has a song called "Sk8r Boi" which is about a guy and girl that really liked each other and the guy was a really great person but he was different than all of her friends and they always put him down and told this girl that she could have better. Later in the song the guy is a huge star and next thing you know, all of this girl's friends are going to see him and adore him. She missed out on a really awesome thing because she was ashamed to admit that she liked someone that people around her didnt approve of. People do the same with God and with friendships, and just about everything else. Jesus said that if we deny him in front of others than He will deny us in front of His Father. Those are some pretty heavy words.

I dont understand how someone can mean so much to you but yet still feel like they need to keep the friendship a secret. Just because someone isnt well liked doesnt mean that he or she isnt a great person. All because a few people hate someone doesnt mean there is a justification to hate that person. And I think that it's alot worse to deny a friendship with someone or a relationship with someone because someone else doesnt like him or her than to be the person that hates. It's sad how many great opportunities and relationships and friendships are missed out on all because someone decided that it was more important to listen to someone who they knew was wrong than to follow their heart.

People dont think for themselves anymore. Its all about being the best and looking the best in front of their friends and family. It's truly sad that this is where society is..... But its where we are at.

What is the point of having a friend if you cant admit to others that you are that person's friend? You're ashamed of him or her and you can not make your friendship thrive. The same way God doesnt know you if you dont admit to know Him is the way that a "friend" is not a friend if you can not admit to others that you talk to him or her.

He was a boy
She was a girl
Can I make it anymore obvious?
He was a punk.
And she did ballet.
What morea can I say?
He wanted her.
She'd never tell.
Secretely she wanted him as well.
And all of her friends
Stuck up their nose.
And they had a problem with his baggy clothes.
He was a sk8er boi she said see ya later boi.
He wasn't good enough for her.
She had a pretty face but her head was up in space.
She needed to come back down to earth.
Five years from now she sits at home feeding the baby she's all alone.
She turns on TV and guess who she sees.
Sk8er boi rocking up MTV.
She calls up her friends.
They already know
And they've all got tickets to see his show.
She tags along, stands in the crowd . Looks up at the man that she turned down.
He was a sk8er boi she said see ya later boi. He wasn't good enough for her.
Now he's a superstar slammin on his guitar to show pretty face what he's worth.
Sorry girl but you missed out. Well tough luck that boi's mine now. We are more than just good friends. This is how the story ends. Too
bad that you couldn't see.. see the man that boi could be. There is more than meets the eye, I see the soul that is inside.
He's just a boi, and I'm just a girl.
Can I make it anymore obvious?
We are in love.
Haven't you heard how we rock eachother's world?
I met the sk8er boi I said see ya later boi.
I'll be backstage after the show.
I'll be at the studio singing the song he wrote about a girl he use to know.
I met the sk8er boi I said see ya later boi.
I'll be backstage after the show.
I'll be at the studio singing the song he wrote about a girl he use to know.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Children arrested, DNA tested, interrogated and locked up... for playing in a tree | the Daily Mail

Just when you thought chewing Jolt gum was an illegal activity, now playing in trees is.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

I make a challenge to everyone. Please find a company that has more freaking red tape than Equinix ... I dare you!!!! There is none.... Oh, and add to that, this company must have no communication between their team.

Oh yes, my friend.... even the Virginia DMV has nothing on the BS that Equinix can produce.

Ok, ill get off my soapbox for now.

(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

(C)2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved
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