BibleBoy's Blog: September 2005

Friday, September 30, 2005

Well VA does it again......

My sammy did not pass emissions in VA and I was given an estimate of $900 to fix. Wanna talk about being pissed off? A perfectly good vehicle I can't use because VA wants more money. My waiver would be $620 so why do that and have it fail next time too? My long term plan was to get a Jasper engine for it which is about $1900 .... So dad is meeting me at my apartment and I'm gonna sign the title over to him. Since I'm with geico now, dropping the insurance on that car will save me money. It is at my dad's house now. We will decide later if dad is going to register it or just title it. It may pass emissions in PA. I dunno.... But it makes more sense to wait for a Jasper engine before I put half the cost of the engine into fixing emissions. Maybe ill soon move to a state that doesn't have emissions? Oh well.... Life goes on, right?

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2 Corinthians 9:7
Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, [so let him give]; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver.

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I fully realize that God knows my heart and that that's what is important but right now it is such a struggle for me not to feel insignifgant..... When I'm surrounded constantly by the notion that my thoughts, ideas, and feelings are the least of importance, it makes it hard. I'm a voice that needs to be silenced - at least that's the attitude I always get.

I'm trying.... And I will continue to try my best.

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We are now on our way out of LA and heading back to VA.

I certainly did not sleep well last night. I guess there is just so much on my mind.... I really don't know where anything is headed in my life.

And this morning I wake up and see messages from tanya that say she needs help with her computer.... Then she goes on to say that she is sorry for being so distant. This so much adds to what I feel: that I'm a good friend when someone needs me. The thing is, if it wasn't for Patti, I wouldn't have seen Eli at all in about 2 months. I just don't get it.... I'm more than happy to help anyone and everyone.... I just wish I had a little more support.... But God will sustain me..... I just wish that I didn't feel used all the time. Thankfully I know this New Orleans trip was appriciated by so many people.

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Thursday, September 29, 2005

Now that this part of my life is ending, I can't help but wonder what is next. Some amazing things were shown to me down here. The church we were working with down here is currently working with another pastor - the plan is a city wide church.... Different meetings with different styles (baptist, pentecostal, etc) but one unified church.... Its the book of acts in action and its been my prayer forever.... I also found that this church has a member that was ex-homosexual and has contacts with many homosexuals..... Wow.... Anyone seeing something else? Mix that with my intrest in the supernatural and the fact that new orleans has a lot of demon-related things..... Well... I just wonder why I am here right now. What is my future? I don't know.

A lot has been going through my mind..... I'm worried about a lot of people around me...... The phone call from my aunt is still going through my mind.... The problems tiff is having is going through my mind..... The pain of new orleans is going through my mind.... My own financial problems..... And of course VA inspection and my sammy are not getting along...... I'm just so concerned about so much.... And I wish I could cuddle up with someone and be told that its going to be ok... To be told "i love you" .... I long for a lot but I try my best to wait on God. And until the desires of my heart come true (and of course after), I will do what the Lord asks of me.

I wonder what state I will live in next and who will next tell me they love me.... If either are applicable.

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We have finished our last project.... I really wish we could do more but I think we all have worn ourselves completely out.....

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Another job completed.... Now on to another house to do some inside cleaning.......

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Me and Pastor Rick

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Pastors work hard too (Rick Grover - Pastor of Journey Christian Church, New Orleans)

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The results of our work..... Of course phil is trying to remove the stump.... But not really getting anywhere :)

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Our small job for the morning

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We are getting started already.... Working on a small job.... And it amazes me as to what I am calling a small job now :)

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Wednesday, September 28, 2005

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We got a lot accomplished today and I have the tiredness to prove it. We finished up gutting the house we started yesterday and then moved on to help another person finish removing dry wall, clean debris, mend a fence, and so on. While I was picking up debris from around the yard and road, it really hit me. I started picking up Christmas cards.... Picked up some school work from what seemed to be elementary.... But when I picked up the little baby shoe I almost cried. Who knows what house that even came from but it helps you realize that this wasn't a disaster that just affected one age group - it affected everyone. After we got a good start on that house we moved to another family that had a tree fall on their air conditioner unit and also had some holes in her roof. Greg put a tarp on the roof and the rest of us started chipping away and the tree. Most of its gone but we are going to stop by tomorrow and clean up a little.

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Finished job #2

Another project complete. The owner of this house told us that she is definately opening it up to others who need housing. I remember Clay Walker's (?) song "The Chain of Love" .... Its amazing the need already and we can only fathom what the need will be when they open the city. I'm just glad we are touching people that will touch more people.

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We're up for another day. I'm not sure how well I slept last night - there is just so much on my mind. I'm hoping that in the next half hour my energy joins me. There is no words to describe how much work needs done here. God said that He will be our strength and that is the only way I'm able to function.

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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

We got a lot accomplished today and the service tonight was really cool.... But I'm drained... And I just now turned on my phone and had a message that indicates something else is wrong..... I have nothing left to give.... Making it through one day down here is more than I can handle.... But it is these people's lives right now. The work ends for me in a few days but goes on for those that live here..... I just wish I could help more down here and more with all my friends and family that are hurting.

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We took everything out except the kitch..... Oh, wait.... We took that too.

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I'm feeling a lot better today - thanks Steve.

We are finished gathering supplies for the day and on our way to work and thankfully we are all refreshed and no longer dehydrated - more water drinking today I think :)

Todays plan is to finish clearing what we cut of the tree and then heading to a house that basically needs gutted because of water damage and now lots of mold growth. We have our masks and such..... Should be another long day. Thankfully we are going to a church service tonight at 6 so that should be refreshing.

Thanks again for all of your continued prayers.

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Monday, September 26, 2005

I wish the world was able to respond to problems the way the people down here have. I'm starting to take some things pretty hard and I just got a call from a friend from back home that is having some real issues and not taking them well. I feel so incredibly helpless. I want to give so much but I just don't have anything to give. I am such a worthless person and it really starts to make me wonder why God has *ME* down here.

I've had a lot on me and on top of the dehydration, I'm just a wreck. I'm gonna get to bed here I think. I'm honored that I am here to do what I can so I'm going to try to make the best of the next 4 days.

Posted @ 10:23 PM // 1 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Touching lives

We have finished for the day. Working all day still left me feeling meaningless because of the amount of work here. One tree consumed our whole day and we still have some work to do on it. Multiply one tree by how many trees that are here..... This city is going to be rebuilding for years.... And i havent even seen downtown.

But it was when we finished up that i realized that maybe to someone we are worth something. Keep in mind that the root system of this tree is still there as well as most of the trunk... the yard is a mess. We called the lady that owns the house and told her we were leaving so she came over.... We took her to her backyard and she broke into tears and started hugging us and thanked us. Im glad to see us at least making an impact.... Its just so hard to realize it because of the amount of work that needs done.....

Currently i am dehydrated so if you could keep that in your prayers, i would appriciate it. This isnt typical work for a geek.....

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Bonfire anyone?

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What a job

So far we temporarily lost someone to heat exhaustion and we lost a
chain saw. There is so much work to do here it is unbelivable.... All
of us just want to keep pushing on but I think we are all going to leave
this project soon.... We may start another small project.... We'll see
what happens. Thankfully one of our team members used to live in miami
so he has hurricane experience and another team member is a carpenter.
The good news is that most of the tree is gone.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

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God Provides

It was pretty amazing.... We sat down to break and figure out what we should do for lunch and a car pulled up and asked if we wanted some hot jumbalaya..... Its awesome to see everyone pull together.... Instead of people saying they have nothing to offer, they are being creative. There is so much work here it is just unbeliable and we arent even in downtown.... Part of me would like to see downtown and the other says no way.... But the reality is that it is a restricted area so we more than likely are not able to.

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Starting work

Our first project is starting now. Very large tree cut power to a
severly damaged house. Pictures later. We will be working with chain
saws and sweating very much. Please pray for our safety.

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Sunday, September 25, 2005

Well we have electricity. Its really kind of interesting in that some houses were barely damaged at all and then the house next door is completely unlivable.... We see damage but we probably not see the worst of it. Almost no one here has seen downtown.... People who have knowledge of the situation say there still bodies floating down the street..... Sometimes you think you have it bad. I feel almost meaningless down here because I don't think I have the skills I should have..... But even if it's typical grunt work, these people need the help.

We are gonna eat in a little and then get some sleep. We have a meeting at 10am and we will come up with a plan then.

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This is the 5 of us at the church we are meeting at - note the lack of carpet.

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Just one shot from about 45mins out of New Orleans. These houses are raised but most of them have the water level above the bottom of the actual structure. Many exits off of this highway are closed because they are under water. One exit was open but vehicles are driving with the water to the floor boards. Its truly eye opening - and sad.

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We have arrived at a town in mississippi and stopped to get some
supplies and food.... But we are actually seeing the result of katrina
as wal-mart had a lot of things that were out of stock. We were driving
around a neighborhood and the most common sight is piles of wood and
still a fairly large collection of downed trees. This town has
recovered but at almost a month later, the effects are still seen.

As far as we know right now the downtown area of new orleans is under
water and a restricted area. The suburb we will be working in is still
accessible but definately in need of help. And by the way, I know
people like to track weather (*cough* my dad *cough*) so a zip code that
is around the area that I will be working is 70001.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

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We are currently in mississippi.

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Just crossed into Alabama.

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Saturday, September 24, 2005

Well I have finished what I needed to at work just in time :)

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I've got to learn not to procastinate :)

fortunately my team decided to leave a little later anyway so that's good. I'm finishing some stuff up at work and then I'm heading over to meet up with one of our members. We are loading one van and then we will meet up with the other van and we'll be on our way ... Hopefully by 6.

Please continue to keep us all in your prayers.

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Weather for the general area I will be in

In a little over 12 hours my team will be leaving for New Orleans. Rita is definately having an effect on New Orleans but at the current moment, it should not affect the plans in our focus area. Please continue to keep us in your prayers!

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Friday, September 23, 2005

I am going to set up an email list for anyone who wants to be included. Provided that I have access to some type of communication, I will use this address to send updates as well as possibly pictures to everyone on the list.

If you want to be included, I need you to let me know. Please email me and let me know what email address you would like me to put on. I need to have this set up before I depart so please let me know before 1pm tomorrow so I can add you.

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In the last hour I have been hit so hard that it is not even funny. Work was just absolutely nuts for the first couple hours I was here.... things going every which way and I dont know if anyone knew which end was up. In amongst this I get a voicemail from my aunt.... I dunno what happened back up in PA but she seemed upset and was almost chewing me out.... this happened 10 mins after I got a call from the garage to tell me that my Samurai not only failed emissions but it also failed safety inspection.... And as of this point, I still dont have the money to get the protective gear that I need to go to LA with.

What doesnt kill you only makes you stronger..... and I am holding on to that. In fact, all of this really leads me to believe more that God truly does want me in New Orleans. Forget about all the miracles that happened, history proves that anytime your about to do something for God, thats when satan attacks you as much as he possibly can.... and that is what I am counting this as. Sure, I feel like I'm going to break into tears at any moment.... but thats not what matters. What matters is *I* am not broken... and I *AM* going to New Orleans and I *WILL* do God's will!

Please continue to keep me in your prayers.... there are some very trying things going on right now.

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I just want to be a kid again.... is that possible? Please?

I'm so tired of always having the lowest paid job possible and not being able to afford to take care of myself. I'm leaving tomorrow for New Orleans and currently I have past due bills and have no money to get the protection stuff that I need such as masks, respirators, gloves, etc.....

I'm about ready to break down into tears.... I want to help people but I dont even make enough money to help myself :(

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Stadia/Journey Christian Church Relief

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Thursday, September 22, 2005

Scrap that last post... Ill be going to new orleans this weekend.

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Well, we needed another twist, right? :)

With the concerns of the hurricane coming in to the new orleans area as well as transportation issues and, in my case, funds, we MAY be splitting the team going down and myself and another person or two may go down the following weekend instead of this weekend. Please continue to keep this in your prayers. It might create a good relief for me and give me time to get stuff together.... but yet, I want to do what God's choice is so if He decides for me to go down this weekend, then so be it. Nothing set in stone yet -- just another request for a more specific prayer!

Thank you so much for everyone's support regarding this. I will continue to keep you posted!

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Anyone that says life doesn't come at ya fast needs to walk in my shoes for a week :)

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Too good not to post! :)

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Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Supplies Needed

If anyone has any supplies on this list that they would like to donate, please let me know and see if you can find a way to get them to me. The current plan is that we will be leaving Saturday night so I would need any items to me before then. Anything is helpful!

We will be entering the city on Monday morning and we will basically be working straight through until Thursday at which point we will either leave to come back or may wait another day just to rest a bit first. There are alot of details still developing and nothing is set in stone.... actually, at this point, there still is a chance that Rita can cause a cancellation/delay for this trip.

Our *current* plan is to rent a van and all of us will split that cost and the gas, etc as well as the various other expenses that will be incurred. We're still ironing out the details of where we're getting a van so if anyone has any advice there, that would be awesome!

Above all else, we need your prayers! Quite honestly, I'm a little worried/scared but I know this is what God wants me to be doing so I'll do it.

I'm also still looking for anyone who wants to donate to the expenses of the trip. I'm basically set in stone and going but I still havent raised the money that I need. Any donation is tax deductible because it will be made to my church. Any checks sent must be at my church on Friday at the latest. Anyone who is in PA that wants to donate, please talk to my dad. He is collecting any checks from that area and he will then overnight them all to my church tomorrow afternoon.

God Bless and Thanks!

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Well, I am now up to $300 raised for my trip.... so I need $700 more.....

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My prayers are with everyone meeting at their school's flagpool today. (See You at the Pole is today)

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Well I'm at work for this crazy shift. I will be here till 7am.

I'm kinda out of it right now. There is no doubt that I am going through many experiences because God is preparing me for something but I really wish someone was along for the ride.

God said He would give you the desires of your heart.... And I hold on to that because someday He will give me what I desire -- a family. And that means finding the girl that will always want to be around me and will never, ever give up on me. Someday....

But for now, I have to try to focus on New Orleans.

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Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Things are coming together for going to New Orleans.... But I still need to raise quite a bit more. If anyone knows an organization that could donate $100, please let me know.

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It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in
trying to fade into the faces
the girls' teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
farther than they know

CHORUS
But if we are the body
why arent His arms reaching
why arent His hands healing
why arent His words teaching
and if we are the body
why arent His feet going
why is His love not showing them there is a way
there is a way

A traveler is far away from home
he sheds his coat
and quietly sinks into the back row
the weight of their judgemental glances tell him that his chances
are better out on the road

CHORUS
But if we are the body
why arent His arms reaching
why arent His hands healing
why arent His words teaching
and if we are the body
why arent His feet going
why is His love not showing them there is a way

Jesus paid much too high a price
for us to pick and choose who should come
and we are the body of Christ

Chorus (2x)
But if we are the body
why arent His arms reaching
why arent His hands healing
why arent His words teaching
and if we are the body
why arent His feet going
why is His love not showing them there is a way

Jesus is the way

"If we are the Body" by Casting Crowns

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It seems that Carpathia is giving the green light to take vacation time to go to New Orleans next week and help. But I need to raise $1000 in the next few days to support the trip - I simply don't have that kind of money, let alone money to pay my bills. But right now I have a place to live, I have friends, and I have a family. Not only did the people in New Orleans lose everything, most lost friends and family, and many lost their lives. Its not fair for me to do nothing when I truly am blessed. I need to do something.... At least if next week I'm not in New Orleans I can say I tried my best.... Its a lot better than thinking of the things I could have done.

I need to do this ... Please pray for me!

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I got to play with Eli tonight! I took him to McDonalds in my sammy... It was great when he grabbed the oh crap bar on the dash and said it was like riding a roller coaster. He is so adorable! Think I could adopt him? :)

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Sunday, September 18, 2005

Hey everyone. Please keep something in your prayers for me. I am currently looking into going to new orleans next week on a team from my church. There are a lot of things that need to happen. First is obviously work. I just talked to our ceo and he said he will have to look into things tomorrow but at least it wasn't a definate no. The other big thing is finances. This might create a burden. If this is Gods will tho He will provide. I feel a tug on my heart so I want to try. Please just pray about this.

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Don't stereotype me as a Christian!

Ok, before you start attacking me for saying that, let me explain what I mean. First, here is the definition of Christian:

Chris·tian
adj. Manifesting the qualities or spirit of Jesus; Christlike.

So, if you want to know who I am, yes, I am a Christian.... I strive to be Christlike, even tho I fail misserably multiple times. But what is the stereotype? Quite honestly, its what the world sees us as. It's the hippocrticial boring people that infiltrate the front lines telling people to turn or burn. I think thats probably most of the Christians out there..... but I'm a little confused because I dont see that in the Bible. I don't see Jesus doing any of the stuff that "Christians" do today. 1 Corinthians 13:13 very clearly tells us what the most important thing is.... It's Love.... Please tell me how condeming everyone for everything they do is showing love? It shows you as a tyrant.... and then you add to it the fact that all of us, even tho we strive to be Christlike, we sin all the time. We are human and we fail.... so now wait.... Matthew 7:4 should point something out to us. Hasnt it occured to anyone that when we condem people, we are sinning? Ok, so maybe your not a theif..... and the person you are condeming is.... but I think that sin is sin.... and there are plenty of instances in the Bible that God shows us that. So your not a homosexual? Your still a sinner, just as the homosexual is. Don't try to tell me that you can condem homosexuality because you are straight..... SIN IS SIN and that means that you are no better or no worse than the homosexual. So, if your condeming that lifestyle, then you are nothing more than a hippocrit.

With that said, let me say this.... I am just waiting for the first email I get that someone starts attacking me because they want to start saying that I'm a homosexual or something like that. It seems that I am standing up for that lifestyle, but please understand that I *DO* believe that homosexuality is a sin. What I am trying to get across to people is that we arent the ones to condem them. We are to show them the love of Christ.... that is our commandment. It's not to be "holy terrors"....

Christians have painted the perfect sterotype for all of us that makes us out to be these boring people that go around and attack everyone. I am not like that. I dont want to be like that. If that is your style and you feel that is what God is leading you to do, then so be it. That is between you and God. The thing is that I do not want to be known as that. That isnt me!

This all started working through my brain yesterday when I was talking with guys from work and I said I was leaving for the festival..... and the response was basically "yea, a bunch of Christians getting together to listen to music. no drugs, no sex." ... Well, yes... true.... but it wasnt the content of what was said, it was the ideal behind it. People view Christians as people who have no fun and are nothing but uptight people. Again, I say, I'm not like that.

So, I hope that everyone understand what I mean by when I ask that people don't stereotype me as a Christian. I am a Christian by definition, and I will call myself one because I want to be Christlike.... but I am not the idea of "Christian" that the world sees....

Regarding the festival yesterday.... it was completely awesome! It was very moving as well..... and combined with the sermon today at church, God really opened my eyes again. Last night as Jeremy Camp was on stage, I was in awe. I love concerts... I love the lights... I love the music..... alot of people do.... why? I think partially because it's amazing and brings awe to us. And there was something about the people that were there. There was a presence felt that I havent felt before.... at least not in a long time. Everyone there seemed to be in one accord... the hands lifted high praising God.... it was amazing.... I found myself taking pictures of the crowd with their hands in the air because it was just an awesome experience. And then I started realizing that this area truly is different. God is doing something here.... there are some really strong people here and it's like God is setting up for something big..... but I dont think anyone could answer what....... and that, of course, brings more amazement, wonder, and anticipation.

What's so important about amazement and wonder? Well, quite simply, it is how a child behaves. As we grow up, it takes more and more to amaze us. To a newborn, that little child may be amazed by their hand.... A toddler is amazed he can walk.... a four year old may be amazed by something a little more..... the point is, as we grow, we become less and less amazed. Matthew 18:3 tells us that we need to be like little children. See the connection? God wants us to be amazed by Him and the things that He does.... but we grow less and less amazed. Is it such a shock then that so many of us are so refreshed by just watching a little child play? I love kids.... I love playing.... but maybe I dont do it enough? People hate to see kids grow up.... because there is something so innocent about a child..... but the thing is, we need to become more like that. It occured to me that I feel the same way about Eli. I dont have a child.... but I honestly love Eli like he was my own. It kills me that I can't get to see him everyday... let alone every week... or somethimes even month.... and it kills me that he is growing up.... Someday I will miss playing with him and doing things just like tossing him in the air.... things that amaze him.... things that amaze me and make me feel like a child again. Someday I will miss that. Why? Because that's who we are! God wants us to be like little children and thus He created us that way. Even tho society tells us what an "adult" needs to be, we are wired so that we still desire the things we had in childhood... and I dont mean posessions.... I mean qualities.

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them falling to the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
With faith like a child
(Jars of Clay)

I think there are so many obvious things that we ignore that we need to start paying attention to. We need to look at those little children in our lives and we need to learn from them.

I'm about to head up to PA.... and hopefully at sometime I get to play with Eli and experience a little more of what God wants us to be like.

I leave you with this file of videos and pictures from Awakening Fest 2005. It's a pretty large file (About 50meg) so be warned. Also, the videos need Apple Quicktime to view them - and keep in mind this was all done on a cell phone so the quality is pretty bad.... but if you want to download it and take a look, please do so.

awakening05.zip

Posted @ 11:23 AM // 1 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Dude, your getting Linux!

Dell releases laptop with Mandriva

Go Mandriva, GO!

It's awesome to see that not only is Linux getting closer to a home-user breakthrough, but that someone is finally shipping a linux product other than Red Hat!

Posted @ 6:29 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

AwakeningFest was completely awesome! But I need to help set up at church so need to be up at 6am.... this means I need to go to bed like NOW :)

I'll fill you guys in on Awakening later..... including pictures and some poor quality video :)

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Saturday, September 17, 2005

Well we are drying out and they are starting to fire up the equipment again.... Looks like it will be great weather for Jeremy Camp! Plus the sun has been shining heavy for a little while so my sammy might be dry for us :) Now I'm just curious how they will change the band schedule for the lost time.

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Well.... Sometimes you get what you asked for.... Lol...... And of course I drove the sammy with no roof.... Haha....

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Well I just got to awakening fest.... Man is it hot.... Almost wishing for the rain tiff and I had at purple door a couple years ago.... Ok, maybe not.... But the snow machines would be nice :)

btw, I am going to PA tomorrow afterall.....

More later

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Quote of the day:

ActiveX is the screen door on the Internet Explorer Submarine.

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This is just shocking! :)

Being that it's on Reuters, I dont know what to think -- I guess scientifically it is all possible. Either way, its pretty interesting.

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Friday, September 16, 2005

CHORUS
I get a sugar rush
thinking of you too much

I only want to be
with you for all eternity
I only want to know
the things you have for me to grow
I only want to be
part of your loving family
A holiday that will never
go away

"Sugar Rush" by Joy Electric

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Its a sad day.... I actually resorted to setting up an MSN messenger account :(
Anyone who uses only MSN (God forbid), can now contact me on MSN Messenger using my email address....

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Thursday, September 15, 2005

I just got home from work..... long story short, something went wrong with the maintence window.... despite the fact that I discussed this with another tech, something went wrong and that story is of course changing..... because, hey... why would it be any other person's fault than mine?

I am extremely tired and now I'm completely irritated! Going to bed.....

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Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Well, first of all.... major miracle happening here.... I have feeling in the tip of my finger! It's pretty tender right now so I'm still not using it to type but I actually have feeling!!!!!!!

Secondly, my Sammy is back home in VA.... but still cant get it inspected.... I have the door handles for the driver's side door on order but I didnt realize that to pass VA state inspection, both inside and outside handles must work. Emissions is still yet to be decided. *crosses fingers* ... oh, and I did learn one thing.... dont take a sammy over the mountains unless you have ALOT of time.... There is just something about going up a hill and having a coal truck pass you that is.... umm, humbling :) 4th gear, foot to the floor... going 35mph.... gotta love it.... but actually, I really enjoyed that trip.... Its nice to have another Sammy!

What else? I dunno really... I'm actually in a good mood... I'm pretty relaxed. I dont have to work until 7:30 tonight because I have a maintence window with a customer from 4am-4:30am so I'm backing my whole shift up.

I think that I am just gonna hang out down here in VA this weekend. It will just cost way to much to go to PA so its not really worth it.... I need to save all the money that I can. Still behind on a few bills :( If anyone would like to come visit tho, I'd love the company!

Well, I guess that's all for now. Everything is in God's Hands! And thanks to each of you for your prayers! They are definately felt and, as always, appriciated.

Posted @ 2:53 PM // 1 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Maybe I just need to quit trying to have friends? A friend is usually just another person to use me. Most never even have the desire to tell me hi.

I'm so emotionally drained.

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So I have started my work week and I am already hoping the weekend comes soon.

I kinda feel really alone tonight. Maybe its like post-holiday depression only wIthout the holiday. I'd like to go back to Sunday, I know that.

I'm currently debating on whether I want to go back up to PA this coming weekend..... But the cost of gas is my concern.... I have that festival this saturday so I was thinking maybe I'd just go up after church on Sunday. But I guess with the finances I probably shouldn't. I just would like to see if maybe I could play with Eli a little.... And some other things. I dunno.

Well, my dinner should be here soon so I guess ill end this so I can eat. Hope everyone has a great week.

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I love PenDOT :(

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Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

Matthew 7:7-8

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I've been trying to sleep for a while but just can't. I was thinking all day about last night. Going to dinner with Liz was great.... Then getting to play with Eli was just as great. That boy melts my heart all the time. He told me last night that when we went back in the house that he was gonna ask "nana" if he could miss school so they could visit me. He later asked Liz if he could visit me soon.... Tanya of course said "im trying" but I don't think there is hope of tanya driving him to VA.

I really have no idea where my life is going. I don't know anything. I wish I knew everything but I don't. I saw an old friend from Pizza Hut, Ashlea, tonight. She randomly asked me what I wanted out of life.... I didn't even have to think about it.... My answer was "a family" -- that is truly all that I want out of life. I wish I knew who I was going to marry but I don't. I have interest in some people.....the most important thing is avoiding confusion. And I have to try to avoid relationships that will only lead to confusion. I always went back to Tiff when she got her head on straight but when she was back in dubois, her life got really confusion and that made mine confusing and absolutelt misserable. I always looked at the present and said that we could both love each other but I never looked at the future that clearly pointed to a road block (like tiff going back home). The ideal girl may actually be one that has no direction in her life and someone who would be willing to give up anything that gets in her way for whatever direction she does find. I may have a full time job but I don't know if its a career. A girl with no direction wouldn't have anything to get in the way of a solid relationship. Someone who is 100% committed to her career means there is absolutely no time for me.... And I have learned that all to well. A person who will not stand up for herself when someone opposes her is someone who can not be in a relationship. The first opposition will create problems. Don't get me wrong.... Having a career is not wrong at all..... Respecting and listening to friends and family is great. But a relationship takes time and effort. Its not something that can just be kept around for conveince. You have to make an effort...... More importantly, you have to honor the effort the other person puts into things of the relationship such as spending time together.

My goals in life are this: to serve God, to be the best husband possible, and to be the best father possible. This is truly what I want. But I am learning that this is another area where I have given and given whether I got any return or not. I don't expect anything in return.... This is who I am.... But the thing is that a relationship can not survive this way. This may be why my relationships fail time and time again. I need love in return. I don't expect it but I do need it. I guess this is why I always feel used when a relationship ends. I'm left with broken promises and a broken heart.

Where am I going? I don't have a clue.... But I now am in a church full of people who have no clue where they are going but are completly ready to drop everything when God says "go". I have not felt this way in a long while. I never had a group of people surrounding me that feel the same as me. I have no clue where I am going but I am totally ready to lay it down when God tells me..... And I pray I soon find the girl that will come along for the ride.

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Monday, September 12, 2005

Well... I'm still in PA.... Skipping the philly conference.... Too much money to drive there.

But what an awesome day!

I was going to go to a picnic and I wanted to take Eli but couldn't find him. I called Tanya's mom but her line was busy so I just drove out. Eli wasn't there but I ended up talking to Patti (tanyas mom) for a long long time. Then Liz (tanyas sister) came out and all 3 of us talked for even longer... It was great.... But the night got better. Patti had to leave and I just decided to ask Liz if she wanted to go get something to eat and she said sure..... So we went to eat and had an awesome awesome time. It was nice to get to know her a little. She's really a sweetie..... I guess Eli got it from his aunt....... Lol

so anyway... While we were eating patti called and said she brought eli back.... So I went back and played with eli :)))

just an awesome night.... I'm glad I stayed!

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Saturday, September 10, 2005

So I just touched down in Pittsburgh. Let me just say, if you have never flown I - you should. I don't fly often -- ok very very rarely. But this was by far the best flight ever. There is no first class and that doesn't matter.... All of the seats are the same seats that is first class on other airlines. They actually care it seems. Once everyone boarded, the pilot actually came out to introduce himself.... Just really cool stuff..... And not only on time but way early. So if you fly to or from dulles, check out www.flyi.com

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Well... Just boarded my plane. I still think its crazy that I'm flying to Pittsburgh.... And saving money by doing it. We are supposed to land in Pittsburgh at 10:20.

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Happy Birthday..... to my blog!

It was two years ago today that I created this blog.... Why? Because it was a neat idea I thought..... little did I know that it would be the biggest release that I had through the crazy last two years. Just browse back through the archives and watch how much my life changed so drastically. Different directions my life took.... who I was friends with, who I worked for, how I was feeling, who I was dating, what state I was living in, and even the diagnosis of what was wrong with me. In the hospital a few times.... so much has happened.... all in 2 years time. Not only is it now 2 years, but I am getting very close to 1,000 posts. And there is more to come getting there :)

It really has amazed me how many people have become readers of my blog. It's very helpful for me to know that when I need to vent, there actually are people listening. It also amazes me at how dedicated I have been to posting on here. I honestly didnt know what to think when I created this but I am so glad I did.

Another really cool thing about this blog is that one day my kids may be able to look back and realize how life was not only for me but for alot of other people around me.... just how life generally was. All of us listen to our parents and how their life was "back in the day" ... but I'll actually have a log of it. I think it's kinda neat.

So anyway, here I am 2 years later, thank all of you who read and offer and ear and occasionally some advice.... things that truly do keep me going.

Thanks!

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Friday, September 09, 2005

Well, if you are reading this then you apparently figured out that my blog has a new web address. Basically everything is still the same except the actual site is hosted on bibleboy.org instead of blogspot.... My biggest reason for this is backup. Blogger doesn't have an export feature and I have no ftp access to blogspot so with it being hosted on bibleboy.org, I can download the html files. Too much of my life is on this blog and I don't want to ever lose it. I can't ever see anything happening to blogger but when it comes to tech its always good to have a backup plan.

So welcome to blog.bibleboy.org

Please let me know if you see any problems. Everything should work exactly the same tho.

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I got the honor of installing one of these servers a few weeks ago and I just thought that it looked incredibly too cool to not take a picture of. Just now getting around to posting it here.

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Thursday, September 08, 2005

Well, I got my stitches taken out... all looks ok with the cut but still no feeling in my finger. My Doctor said if the nerves grow back at all, I'm looking at at least a year before I notice anything. He reffered me to a hand surgeon tho so we'll get that checked out there.... but this just adds more fuel to the frustration that I have that I simply need relief from... finances. My doctor visit today literally took the last bit of money I had.... and my next pay check is already tied up in paying bills that I have been past due on for a while. So its good that I'm going to be able to get some of those caught up.... the bad news is I will STILL be carrying a balance on my electric bill and my phone bill.... Simply put, I need to somehow increase my income or reduce my costs... So far, neither one is looking like an option. There simply is nothing I can cut out to reduce my costs.... the only "discretionary" bill I have is my cable bill.... and that is now under $20 a month.... otherwise, I dont do anything or buy anything that I can cut out. My health insurance isnt covering expenses that many insurance companies cover.... this specialist visit alone will be $40..... and who knows where we go from there.... I now have $600 in copays for ER visits regarding the entire finger ordeal...... what else am I supposed to do? Right now I just feel like sitting in a corner and crying. I am becomming such a burden to my family... always having emergencies that I need to borrow money for becuase I simply dont have it..... I feel like such a burden to so many people.... and its so hard for me because all I want to do is help others.... I want to help those with a burden.... I dont want to be the burden.

Please keep me in your prayers. I have been quiet about this for a while but I really seriously need a way to increase my income. It's really getting bad :(

Posted @ 2:19 PM // 1 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Flight DH1842, Dulles to Pittsburgh....

It really is sad when it is cheaper to fly to Pittsburgh than have my dad come get me. Flight ticket is $54 including tax and it would cost my dad about $70 to come get me..... But hey, the one hour flight Saturday sure beats 4 hours in the car (8 hours for my dad)

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Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Wow, I forgot that I have a conference in Philly I'm going to on Monday.... this is gonna be a busy weekend... picking up my sammy and such..... so I guess I'm going up there on Saturday (considering flying since it will be cheaper than dad coming to get me).... then I'll drive my sammy back here on Sunday. Then I'll leave EXTREMELY early from here Monday morning to be at the conference in Philly at 7:30am..... At least it'll all keep me busy :)

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Tuesday, September 06, 2005

(Guys)

Its always been a mystery to me,
How two hearts can come together,
And love can last forever.
But now that I have found you I believe,
That a miracle has come when God sends the perfect one.
So gone are all my questions about why,
And i've never been so sure of anything in my life

~chorus~

Oh I wonder what God was thinking,when he created you.
I wonder if He knew everything I would need,
Because he made all my dreams come true.
When God made you, He must have been thinking about me.

(Girls)

Ooo ooo,I promise that wherever you may go, wherever life may lead you,
With all my heart I'll be there too.
And from this moment on I want you to know,
I'll let nothing come between us, and I will love the ones you love.
(guy):So gone are all my questions about why (girl echoes):about why

Duet:Oh I wonder what God was thinking when he created you,
I wonder if He knew everythin I would need,
Because He made all my dreams come true.
When God made you He must've been thinking about me.

Bridge

He made the sun He made the moon,
To harmonize a perfect tune,
One can't do without the other they just have to be together.
And that is how I know its true,
Your for me and i'm for you and my world
Just cant be right without you in my life

Chorus

(guy) He must have heard every prayer I've been praying (girl echo)
I've been praying (both)He must've knew everything I would need

When God made you, He must've been thinking about me.

"When God Made You" by Newsong

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Broken Dyke?

I was playing around with that a bit... I guess this is an image of the broken dyke... Sometimes I think we dont realize how lucky we have it sometimes.

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Google map of New Orleans

Google has added photos of New Orleans that were taken on August 31st, after Katrina hit.

Another site, www.scipionus.com allows people to add comments to this to aid in relief efforts.

Posted @ 5:04 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
Sewn together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

"Behind These Hazel Eyes" by Kelly Clarkson

Posted @ 4:10 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Monday, September 05, 2005

It's so nice to feel welcomed :)

Today I went with a few friends to a picnic one of the girls from church was having... It was a really nice and fun time. Alot of us talked about how people right now are kinda confused as to which way God is taking them..... Its nice that I'm not the only one.... it's also nice to be part of a church that accepts that God may lead people in directions other than the normal ways life takes people. When I went to CFC up in PA, it was a great church and I have nothing against them.... but I always seemed to be a bit of an outcast because of things I did that I felt God was calling me to do. It's not like that here and I really believe God is going to use me in a great way and that I will have people behind me in that.... Up in PA, I knew God was going to use me but I didnt feel that anyone would be behind me.... so I'm glad I'm in VA and I'm glad I'm a part of New Life...... and I'm also glad for the friendships I am building. I already feel that I have more loyal friendships down here than I ever had up in PA.... In fact, I think I just lost one of my friends from PA. I said something stupid while I was in all the pain I was in.... I sent an email apologizing and send a couple IM's but never heard from him.... but I've been here before... and God is blessing me with some great friendships so I'm not going to worry. It's all in God's hands.

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At the moment, I'm pretty confused. There is a pattern that is happening over and over again and I'm not exactly understanding. The basis of this pattern is a door that is opened wide for me and just when that door starts to take shape its not slammed shut... it just disappears. This is happening in various parts of my life... its happening with work, it's happening with my relationships.... just everywhere. In the last month or two there have been at least a dozen clear cut times where this happened... and of course many "grey line" times that it did.... I mean, I could tell you these things and you'd go "oh, Bob, I'm so sorry" .... but the thing is.... I dont know if you should be or not.... I just dont know. I mean, its hard watching great opportunities that have opened for me just all of a sudden disappear. Some of you know some of those things and know exactly what I am saying..... but why is all of this happening? There is no doubt in my mind that this is God doing something.... but what? I'm just really lost... and maybe I dont need an answer as to what He is doing.... but what I do need to know is what He wants me to do.... what He is trying to tell me.... how I need to respond and react to these things.

Lots going through my mind.... I just gotta try to figure this out and listen to God.....

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Sunday, September 04, 2005

Wow... it's like a playground :)

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewIte.......

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Saturday, September 03, 2005

This was certainly a great day. Work was pretty slow which was nice. As I was getting ready to leave work a girl from my church (Kimberly) IM'd me and I ended up picking her up and we went to wal-mart and then to the mall to get something to eat and we met Nate (another person from church). Then we all went to where she was staying because she was babysitting a bunch of kids tonight.... Nathan stayed until the soccer game was over and then Kimberly and I just sat and talked.... and I got to hold the 2 month old little boy ... and he fell asleep in my arms.... I cant wait till I'm a dad.... oops, rabbit trail :) anyway... it was really nice to be able to sit and just talk to someone.... it's kind of strange.... I mean, just like.... here I am... nothing but a poor country boy from PA, barely able to make it in a tiny one bedroom apt, driving my 93 Cavalier into this huge and nice housing developement.... its just that I guess at face value, I may not "fit in" .... but that didnt matter... I was welcomed by everyone tonight and it really made me feel alot better.... mainly about myself. As most of you know my self-esteem has been hurting recently.... this was definately a good boost. What did we talk about? A little of everything.... but it wasnt the content that mattered... it was just nice to sit and talk and especially when maybe I'm not the same "class" of person I'm still welcomed..... Maybe there still are some people that will accept you for who you are and not make you change?

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Friday, September 02, 2005

Six -year-old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor.

He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.

Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad.
He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he didn't know how the stove worked. Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky.

And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him.

Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process!

That's how God deals with us. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend, or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour.

Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him.

But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to "make pancakes" for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...

I was thinking. .. and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that need rekindling or three words needing to be said, sometimes, "I love you" can heal & bless! Remind every one of your friends that you love them. Even if you think they don't love back, you would be amazed at what those three little words, a smile, and a reminder like this can do.

Just in case I haven't told you lately... I LOVE YA!!!

Posted @ 11:20 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Imagine this... Your walking down the street and someone's car broke down in the middle of the road. He begs and pleads with you to push his car while he steers it off the road. Now you are devoted to helping anyone you possibly can... So not only do you offer help, you even go out of your way to find more help. You start pushing and the person starts pushing on his brake pedal.... You eventually realize he is doing this on purpose. How does this make you feel? How do you respond? Do you keep pushing because your not one to give up? If you're me, you keep pushing no matter how unfair it is or how much pain it causes.... This is just a glimpse of how I feel....

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Thursday, September 01, 2005

Honestly, I dont know which of these hurts more:

Posted @ 5:51 PM // 3 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Well, Tiff - whatever you may be doing today..... Happy Birthday

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Luke 6

21 Blessed [are ye] that hunger now: for ye shall be filled. Blessed [are ye] that weep now: for ye shall laugh. 22 Blessed are ye, when men shall hate you, and when they shall separate you [from their company], and shall reproach [you], and cast out your name as evil, for the Son of man's sake. 23 Rejoice ye in that day, and leap for joy: for, behold, your reward [is] great in heaven: for in the like manner did their fathers unto the prophets.

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Sleeping is not coming easy for me tonight..... Just so much on my mind..... I don't know what is going on anymore..... But ill keep pressing on.... I just hope I can fall asleep soon.... I gotta be up at 8:30am......

Posted @ 3:40 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

So I currently have the equivalent of a 2nd degree burn on my fingertip. I do not have a blister, my fingertip IS the blister. I guess what happened was Latrobe put the dressing on way to tight and shoved all the blood into a pool on the tip of my finger. This created the blister and killed the nerve endings in my fingertip. The one doctor said "we all could know another hospital put a hole in the wrong side of your head, but it's doctors.... They don't blame other doctors" .... So basically, we know the damage was caused by the dressing and not me cutting myself. Problem that I have right now is the insurance that carpathia has for me is terrible and I am now up to $600 in copays alone.... And who knows what else they can tack on..... *sigh* God will provide tho I guess. Right now its unsure of how much feeling ill gain back. They told me nerve endings do grow back generally but it takes a while for that to happen. We won't know anything for sure until it happens tho. Presby couldn't do anything either way. The one nurse said "whats done is done.... Let's just watch this and make sure it doesn't get worse"

I guess this shows that I truly do have the worst luck in the world. I say that partially joking but yet in the back of my head I wonder if any good is ever going to come my way.

Well I have a computer to fix.... Then get to bed and leave early in the AM for VA. Dad is taking me down because I never got a hold of the guy with the sammy parts so its still not ready for VA inspection...... So the sammy stays in PA :(

what relaxing vacation...... *sigh* will I ever get a break?

Posted @ 12:53 AM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

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