Tuesday, September 07, 2004
That's what I need. Truth is I love tiff very much and because I love her and she doesn't love me.... Well that brings pain. And so far today in my therapy I have learned that the difference between having suffering and becoming stronger and suffering and being destroyed is being able to accept the pain. There are various things that I can't accept right now with tiff. I can't accept that she doesn't love me or care about me. I can't accept that she does not want to be with me anymore. I can't accept that she ever did lie to me even tho there is proof she did. I can't accept that if her and I don't get back together now that we will never talk again. Above all... I can't accept that she is the primary source of my pain.
Ok... Most of you were praying that would one day see that but remember... I have NOT accepted any of those.... Hopefully I will learn shortly how.... But my real wish is that I don't have to.
And btw.... The first I told you so that I get I am making an appt for you to sit in this class with me. If you so much as suggest it.... I will no longer consider you a friend. You are the people that are making this process 10 times worse. When it comes to this stuff mixed with my brain chemistry.... I don't want to talk to you without a phd.... This is not easy stuff for me to do. Its not as easy as it is with most. I have my things to accept... All I ask is you accept my illness.
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