Im not well tonight... first of all, I have now been up for over 40 hours... well over that. I dont understand why I have to live with mental illnesses.... and why I cant get any relief from them... and why the most important people in my life not only dont understand... they dont WANT to understand. Tonight at bowling... the sorry pathetic person I am pretty much lost it for my team.... everyone bowled bad but I was REAL bad. (Oh, wow... tiff is actually talking to me... guess her honeymoon with Jim is oveR) ... anyway.... I blew it for the team... all because I had a manic episode sunday night into monday morning and good not sleep.... so ... well, I just blew it... then my dad ... it was just obvious he was frustrated... before this him and my mom both were like "why were you up all night?" I try to explain... they just dont want to understand. They cant grasp the fact that this is the way my mind works. I hate it... but there is nothing I can do about it.... Over the last few days my suicidal thoughts (still passive) drifted away until today.... im back to just wanting it to all end.... I want out of this life... So anyway... later Cindy asks me why I was up so long and down and stuff... I had been dying for this... I wanted someone to ask and care so much.... I was DYING for it.... and I start in on it and no more than 2 sentences later my freaking dad has to butt in with some stupid joke because talking to Cindy is more important than his own son... well, anyway, there I am left all alone... that blew that... no more release..... I went out... got in my car and drove home with tears in my eyes... walked in the house with tears in my eyes.... mom asked me how I bowled and I started crying even harder and said to leave me alone.... I came down here and here I am... still crying..... and i'll be crying for a while longer.... This isnt fair that I have to live with this... and I'm ruining other people's lives too.... destroying people..... I have no stable friendships..... I have nothing.... I have absolutely nothing.... well, I have my fish.... and the next person that says im crazy for having so many fish I think im just gonna hit.... thats all the friends I got dangit.... No one realizes how hard this is on me... and the worst part is.... no one wants to... they want me to instantly fix my brain.... but it cant be done. This hurts so bad.... so much pain.... I just want out of it... I really do... its bad.... It's real bad!
(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved
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