Monday, July 04, 2005 |
I'm really pretty down right now.... I just feel so lonely.... Like I always do really. I don't do anything... Ever.... Why? I dunno... I guess I never have any money nor do I have anyone to do anything with.... Honestly, other than the lack of money... What is wrong with me? Am I just that annoying to be around? Maybe its because I am such a depressed person... No one really wants to take the time to really be a friend.... And I hear it all the time that I shouldn't need anyone to be happy... But I don't think the people that say that really understand me.... No I shouldn't have to have someone that is my whole world but at the same time my whole life is nothing but issolation.... Even at work I'm not physically around anyone... No one wants to make time to spend with me.... And when people make plans to spend with me, they almost always get cancelled.... I miss having someone but the truth is even when I had tiff, she wasn't there for me.... It was a struggle to see her.... And last week I got a letter from her and was so excited... Maybe it was just false hope.... I emailed a response like she asked me to and I still have no response. And this pain isn't really a tiff problem... Its just the biggest example of my problem. People are always saying that I just need to be myself but the thing is that "myself" isn't working. I struggle a lot to hold back tears and put on a happy face. I just don't know what it is that I need to change so that people enjoy being around me. I'm just a drag I guess... Tiff was the closest I ever got to someone loving me for who I am... But she had to give up too eventually because of whatever it is that's wrong with me. Ill make it... I do have God... But this isolation is killing me. And btw, as much as the friends I have online mean to me, it just isn't all I need. I love the people that I IM and email and stuff.... Beth is a good example... She really is a blessing to me but there still isn't anything physical there... I need someone to physically go to a movie with or go grab dinner... Or even just talk - face to face. I just don't know what I need to change but I hope I figure it out soon... Whatever it is about me that makes people not love me needs to change.... I need friends that want to spend time with me. Well that's enough of me complaining. Hope everyone is enjoying their 4th! Saturday night really boosted me watching the fireworks in Dulles - I really hope Monroeville will do the same... And this time ill have someone to talk to as well.... I sometimes wish Matt lived in VA... (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
