Saturday, October 07, 2006
The last few days have really left me thinking about things. I keep wondering why it is that I'm still alone... and I just want to cry and get frustrated that those who mean so much to me are not in my life anymore. I try my best to think positively about the future... maybe someone I know will turn into something more... maybe I'll find that great girl and it will be something magical like when Kim and I met. The thing that is so hard for me to accept is that sometimes people have to leave our lives and that what matters is how we remember those people. Just like Sophia chose to remember Alvin sitting on the bench in the boardwalk, it's up to chose how we remember the people that have left our lives, regardless of how or why they left.
There are alot of people that I wish were in my life now. People that I still greatly miss. I remember my great grandfather.... I remember him driving his little white honda civic and bowling. He was an incredible person. I remember my grandfather as well. While he wasn't like by many people he still was my grandfather and I often run across something that I wish he was alive to help me with.... He was like that -- always helping me. It didnt matter what everyone else saw in him -- thats the way I remember him. I remember Tiff in many different ways... some of those are very painful and some are just the opposite.... I remember Kendra and the time that she told me she wanted to marry me and how she was such an incredible person towards me.... it ended badly but I choose to remember the times where she was one of the greatest people. I remember Amber.... yea, first love.... never would have worked but I remember the good times. And Kim... Kim is the person that I just simply can't forget about. Maybe it's because I didnt know her long but its really hard to think of anything that bugged me about her. It brings tears to my eyes thinking of when I pulled into her driveway and we both hugged each other there in front of her house.... how there was something so magical.... I remember watching Murder by Death with her and in mid-kiss hearing "2 2 Twain" and both of us just laughed.... laughter was a big part of what we had... it's something we shared very deeply.... and I guess it is a good example of the mission that eHarmony has because that was a relationship that was definately matched on different grounds than most. But thats how I remember Kim... I remember her laughing... and smiling.....
I long so badly to have someone laughing and smiling at me... someone that I can make happy and they can make me happy... someone who is always there.... even if they are far away, just knowing that they are there and they do love you and always will.... I guess it's the memory of those people that were in my life that give me the hope of something coming.
I can't understand all of these feelings. I can't understand why it is that I am still single and that makes it hard because I often want to blame myself for something.... mainly because thats the easiest thing. I'm sure there are things I need to fix... but why am I still alone? People keep telling me that I am a great person and that anyone would be lucky to have me but why do they tell me that? Is it just because they don't know me or is it because it's easier to tell me something positive than to have to tell me something negative? I guess I'm not the tickle me elmo doll or the furby that everyone is fighting over.... and I can the positive spin to this is that thats not who I want to be. I'm the little stuffed dog back in the corner of the toy store... just sitting there and hoping that some kid is going to come along and want to buy me. If I was put in the front of the toy store, I probably would just be laughed at because no one sees a stuffed dog as being any fun... they want something flashy and complicated..... So the only thing I can do is to just sit there at the back of the store and hope.... shed a few tears in the mean time.... but at least I can look out into the whole store and watch people smile.... there is some hope to be had in that.... It makes me smile to see others smile... I just need to learn to be content being that lonely stuffed dog.
I don't really know if anyone understands when I'm in emotional pain.... and the last thing I want is for someone to tell me that they do. There is something missing from my life.... and the last thing I want is for someone to get religious on me and tell me that I need to fill the void with God and all of that stuff.... I know I need to continually work on my relationship with God.... but in Genesis, God created Eve because "it is not good for man to be alone" .. God knows us... God knows me... we need that special person in our lives -- its the way He created us. It's hard for me to understand why He hasnt provided that in my life but sometimes we're not supposed to understand. Most of the time it's because it's something that we aren't able to understand.
I'm trying to remember that God cares... I know that He does and that He always will... For now, all I can do is be that lonely stuffed puppy in the back of the store and just watch all the kids out there smiling.... It may be hard seeing everyone happy but it does ultimately feel good to see people that are happy and it does give a little bit of hope that someday soon, that will be me.
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