BibleBoy's Blog

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Who Am I?

There was a radio commercial for Levi Jeans that advertised their jeans as being for hard working men.... they started listing hard working, manual labor, jobs and then the last thing in the list they said "... for the man who carries the sleeping baby up the stairs to bed". I swear everytime I heard that line I got chills and my heart skipped a beat. I think it was a way of defining who I am. Ok, so I don't have kids..... but the definition of who you are isn't what is around you and I think this is where people go so far away from what life is meant to be. The car I drive doesnt define who I am (even if who am I influences my purchase of it) nor does the house I live in.

I'm really pulling for Obama in this election but despite what people want to say about me, I'm not pro-choice. Republicans are pro-life so they obviously reflect the best intentions and hold high the miracle that we all are as humans and wouldn't do anything to hurt us. The problem is that it's easier for people to make judgements based on the outward because getting to know the inward takes time and its time that we don't want to waste.... and this is the whole basis for racism of all types. It was so much easier for slave owners to look at the color of their skin and make a judgement based on that rather than actually take the time to get to know those people as human beings. It's easier to attack me and say that I can't be a Christian because I'm liberal or that I can't be liberal because I'm a Christian. It's easier to look at the picture on the book cover and say its a good book or a horrible book rather than take the time to actually read it.

So who am I, really? I'm 27 years old, I am a male, and my mom's name is Kim..... I'm from southwestern PA and I grew up around a family that had a few prejudice thoughts..... I was in a mental hospital once.... I dropped out of high school -- and then out of college. I am a virgin but have been known to really enjoy sexual pleasure. I moved to Florida in 1999 for four months and came back after spending "needless" money because I couldnt stand to be away from my family.... I declared bankruptcy a few years ago... I once punched my sister on the playground in elementary school.

If those things answered your question then you are sadly misled.... but not because any of those things are a lie. All of those things are 100% true and are factual statements that can be proven with various different legal documents or talking to the right people. I can't go back and change any one of those facts but not a single one of those defines who I am.

Think about what you thought of as you read those things. Many of you didn't know some of those facts about me -- some of them were because I never told you for the reason that you might think what you may have just thought. If I say that I was in a mental hospital then obviously I must have something wrong with me mentally and you should relate to me with caution..... thats the easy thing to say, anyway. The harder thing to do is ask why. If you ask why you might have to hear about how I was misdiagnosed with many different mental "conditions" such as depression and anxiety for 6-7 years before we actually realized that I was ADHD -- a condition that is present in many fully functional Americans. You might also have to learn that I checked myself in to the facility because I wanted to find an answer -- not because I *needed* to be there. But all of that is too much work.

Or you might look at the fact that I dropped out of high school and college and that I declared bankruptcy and decide that I am a failure and that I give up. Again, it would be harder to ask why. In that case, you might have to learn that I dropped out of high school after my guidance counselor and my mom discussed that it was a viable and probably the best option for me and that high school was mainly holding me back from accomplishing what I was capable of. You might have to learn that the one year of college that I experienced was crucial in developing who I am as well as the 4 months that I spent in Florida. You might have to dig a little deeper and figure out what the motivations were for each one of these things and you might have to realize that the good outweighed the bad on these things. You might have to realize that the things I did weren't neccesarily the "easy" way out. You might then have to change your views on a lot of things -- not just views about me.

I've heard people say that I'm obviously a virgin because no one wants me and the result is that I'm sexually frustrated..... of course, thats the easy thing to think (and the most uplifting to the person saying it). But if you ask why with the intent of learning you might have to realize that this is one of my core values. You might have to try to understand that its a lot harder for me to keep this commitment than you might think..... and if you said those things about me because you wanted to attack me, you might learn that you've only uplifted me.

"But bankruptcy? Surely there is no excuse for doing that..... Its not what God would want you to do! You just wanted to take the easy way out and not have to pay those debts." No matter what your views are on bankruptcy, its, again, easier to attack me based on what I did rather than to try to figure out what it was that led up to that. You might have to learn that I spent more than 3 years going through no less than 2 credit counseling agencies and continually bringing myself down because the level of debt that I had and the debt/income ratio I had was not something that even the credit counseling agencies were able to reliably assist me with. You might also have to consider the concept of Jubilee in the Bible where every 7 years everyone forgave everyone's debts (that might be another blog entry sometime). Ok, now this one comes with a disclaimer. None of this is meant to justify my action or to make up your mind about whether bankruptcy is good or bad because those are issues of the heart and are truly between you and the Lord. But no matter what the action was, its not fair to judge anyone solely on the action without first understanding the motive of that action.

I'm 27 so I must behave like all other people my age. I'm a guy so I must be an asshole in relationships. I punched my sister as a child so apparently I was born evil. I had uncles around me who said negative things about black people. Oh -- and not only that but I DECIDED that I wanted to be around those uncles. These are just tiny little examples of that outrageous prejudice that goes through our heads every single day and we allow them to go through our head simply because it's easier to let them rather than actually weigh the evidence.

Oh -- one other thing about me. I am known as "BibleBoy" a lot of places. This name came about in middle school when I always had a Bible with me. Everyone started making fun of me by calling me BibleBoy.... but even in 7th grade I was already starting to recognize the fact that I need to be proud of who I was. I was heavily involved in BBSs back in that time (if you don't know, BBSs were basically the pre-internet online communications and were access through dialing a phone number with your computer to access a system on someone else's, typically personal, computer) and I had been going by the handle "Headpin" because I was really into bowling. One night I decided to log on to each and every BBS and change my handle to "BibleBoy". Since BBS systems were local based this is something that all the other computer geeks in my school realized right away. The response was awesome..... "Uhhh.... you know we're making fun of you" .... "Yup, I know". The name stuck and I allowed it to. In 2000 I registered bibleboy.org and that officially was who I was letting myself be known as on the big (then fairly new to most) internet. Eventually other people crept up that were also known as BibleBoy so I had to shorten it to bblboy54..... then time went on and I realized that the name had me tagged as a religious freak. I guess, again, it was a situation where I was being judged based on my nickname rather than who I actually am. I considered changing the name of my blog so that more people would take me a little more seriously. Less than a year ago I realized that the person who I am would never really be taken seriously by someone who does judge a book by it's cover and I decided to stick with the name and if I say something that makes sense then I'd let it be for the benefit of those people who take me seriously no matter what my name is.

Did I answer the question of who I am? I hope not! Who I am is a definition that is always changing. All of us are very dynamic people that are capable of learning and understanding and the more than we learn and understand the more that we are naturally going to change. The facts, figures, and posessions are quite possibly the worst way to judge someone even if they are the easiest way. It's more the motivation of the person that led to those things. In reality, we should all primarily respect everyone for who they are.

Labels: ***, abstinence, changes, discrimination, encouragement, love, money, personality, psychology, society

Posted @ 1:40 PM // 1 comments // View Links // Create a Link //

Sunday, March 02, 2008

I've failed (at life)

Really, I think this whole blog could just be summed up by the title. I've failed. People struggle with their areas but I think ultimately I just fail at life.

Financially, yea... I'm gone. I can't do it.... I try to pretend that I can but I just simply can't. I suck at managing money... I try to change it but I just end up failing again. The way I figure it right now I'm about $1k short for my bills the first half of March and that is assuming that my two clients pay their bills in that timeframe (which one is notorious for taking an extremely long time to pay). Misjudged taxes for 2007 so I need $2500 for the IRS by April 15th.... now let's add in medical.... yea, this is where my life really goes to hell.

I have exactly 2 doses of Zoloft left and my doctors office is refusing to give me any more refills until I have an appointment. So I have an appointment for Tuesday, however, I'm going to have to cancel that. Quite simply because I can not afford the $120 for the office visit (none of this is included to what I just said above). Add to that that when if I were to get those prescriptions on Tuesday the cost would be about $100 to fill them. I can't afford this.... not even close. Right now I'm not deciding between paying my mortgage or getting my medicine but preparing to not be able to do both. Starting this evening I am going to taper off of my meds in anticipation of not having them after a few days. This is going to add even more hell because Zoloft has really bad withdrawl and I have an extremely hard time focusing and getting stuff done without Adderall.

Third issue.... I'm all alone. I don't feel that there is anyone around me that cares enough to help.... hell, I don't have anyone that even calls me just to say hi. I know I'm a shy person and I'm mostly responsible for this.... and that became even more so evident tonight when I stopped at Sheetz. I did some twittering about this girl that works at that Sheetz that, to me, is absolutely the most adorable girl I've ever seen. It really was a joke but also sincereity to it because I am extremely shy. Tonight she was there again and, well, I really felt butterflies.... which sounds pathetic, I know.... but I drove away really feeling weird.... really feeling like I was supposed to do something but was just too damn shy. This is me tho.... I can never take the first move unless someone is evidently in need and I can help them in some way. It's a really odd feeling.... I will help anyone I possibly can but if I have nothing to offer someone I am the shyest person in the world -- and I'm literally to the point of hating myself for it.

I'm really scared. Being scared actually isn't something I feel too often. I usually (at least within the last couple of years) have the attitude that things will be ok and I will be taken care of in some way, shape or form.... But right now, I'm sinking.... and I'm sinking fast. It was 3 years ago that I started on Adderall and my life started to improve..... now it looks like that will be going away. One could think that maybe this is just how God is going to get me away from a crutch, I suppose.... I certainly hope that to be the case but if you really want to know what I'm scared about, go back and read the first two years of this blog.... I was a disaster.... ironically I was a disaster both financially and emotionally.... which is exactly the direction this is headed in.

Now one thing that I do have to say.... there are plenty of opportunities here to blame other people for my problems. I can blame the economy and the Bush administration for a lot of it.... I could blame the people around me that have given up on me or failed to recognize the fact that I am actually a human being. The truth is, this is my fault. The responsibility for all of this is ultimately on me and I am the one that failed.... Maybe there are things that could have happened differently that would have made this situation better but life is about being able to adapt to the hard things that are thrown at you and that is where I most ultimately have failed.

I don't know what to expect.... I have a feeling this is going to be a really rough week and I will probably end up being physically sick between the withdrawl from Zoloft and the stress..... I do have some extra Adderall so I'm going to try to keep that medicine in full swing until I get off of the Zoloft. I hope that 7 days from now I have a positive blog to write and I have an amazing story to tell -- but my fear is that I won't.

Labels: emotional pain, finances, money, stress

Posted @ 9:57 PM // 0 comments // View Links // Create a Link //