Monday, September 29, 2003 |
Today was an interesting day.... things between me and Tiff are interesting. Im really tired of this entire situation. I love Tiff to death and everything but I just cant be in this position anymore. She says that she wants to be with me... but I see no evidence of that... She believes that I'm her soulmate but she doesnt believe that that means that shes meant to be with me. As for me, I dont know what to think... a month ago I would have swore to you that Tiff was my soulmate but now I just dont know what to think... and then to top it all off after she tells me something she gets all paranoid and now im affraid that she's just not going to tell me stuff anymore. She wants to talk face to face but that just cant be right now.... if we dont talk online, we dont talk at all. She said that she has the feeling that she is replacable in my life... I dont know what to think... no she's not... but then again, where is that going to be in a few weeks. The truth is that if I meet someone else and we really hit it off, maybe that new person will be my soulmate and that then means that Tiff is not. If Tiff is not my soulmate, is she replacable? Well, I guess ultimately yes. I dont want it to be that way... and I dont know if she truly understands that but I just cant be in this "stringing-me-on" position. Whether that is her intention or not, thats whats happening. She says she's praying really hard.... I guess what I need to do is start agressively looking for another girl.... if Tiff and I are meant to be, God will answer her before I find someone.... and if God does answer her and she ignores it, well then, its her own fault... I think God has answered her but she's just waiting for something to magically happen to make this easy on her.... and it just might not happen. We're reading about moses now in our devotions... God promised the israelites freedom from egypt but it got harder and they had to work more before they were set free.... thats where we're at. I think God has answered but its going to take effort before its complete... and unfortunately it's out of my hands.... Tiff is the one who has to stand up and make it happen.... if she doesnt do it, then Im sure God will bless me with someone else. I just have to focus on God right now... I need to get my life in order... God will give me someone... whether it's Tiff or not. I dont have to worry. Well, I have to get up early tommorow to go into the doctors to get blood work done (yea!)... I hate needles... but anyway, I'm going to bed. Please pray for me... I could really use it right now. Labels: bowling, depression, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, September 23, 2003 |
Im convinced that no matter what, my life is going to be confusing. Today some VERY promising things happened with Tiff and that, of course, made me very happy. Why is this confusing? Well, I have already begun the job of "looking for someone else" and in that job I have encountered Kelli. She's a very sweet girl and definately someone I'd like to get to know more. Why couldnt things look promising before I started looking. None-the-less, what happens is what happens. I explained to Kelli what was going on.... I dont even know if things would work out that way between me and Kelli... there is potential but Ive only known her like 2 days... so its hard to say. God has been speaking to Tiff... and that really makes me happy.... my concern is that she fully hears God.... when God speaks to her, I think it will answer alot of questions. Maybe Kelli is in my life now to be a very good friend.... which im sure both of us would be content with. We'll see what happens. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, September 15, 2003 |
There's too much on my mind. I continually think of me and Tiff and analyze the situation.... maybe her going to livepool is designed for us to drift apart. I dont know what to make out of the situation.... thats not what I want but I guess maybe im coming to some realizations that I never did before. Truth is, right now I want to spend my life with her but im realizing that that may not be what she wants. True it SEEMS like thats what she wants but maybe she is just putting on a show like everyone tells me. Its really hard to believe in something that you have no evidence of. I guess we'll see how she handles being gone... I just wish someone special would come into my life that isnt engaged. I want so badly to have a commitment and it just isnt coming from tiff. *sigh* I dont know what to think anymore. Does she really love me? Is she really going to miss me? I just dont know. Who knows... maybe her being gone will actually make us get closer together. Either way she is going to have to make a decission. I'm trying to be paitient but its hard. Another thing thats been on my mind. Every now and then I feel a strong call to ministry and then it dissappears. God has something special planned for me but I dont know what it is. Google has some serious job offerings and I would absolutely love to work for them. I'm debating putting in a resume and seeing what happens. If I do that tho, am I just pushing away the call for ministry again if I get and take a job with Google? Maybe it would be great to just get a good job with Google, move to CA and start my life over again. I dont know. Labels: bowling, jobs, ministry, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved
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