Wednesday, June 18, 2008

What I want

There have been a lot of things going on with multiple friendships and with organizations, jobs, and churches that all seem to fall back to a similar theme. They are things that desperately need to be taken control of.

The anxiety issues that I have been having are continuing on but I think it's kind of narrowing down as to what the cause of the majority of the issues are. Its a hard thing to try to understand your purpose but when it seems that your purpose is the opposite of what you are prepared and equipped to be it just makes it a lot harder. Once of the biggest things that I have realized is that I try too hard to be the person that someone wants me to be. This is true for pretty much every human on earth but I think it goes a little over the edge with me because it seems that my compassion for helping people motivates me to be there for someone and to help them with things they need beyond my abilities. In doing this I lose sight of the things that I want and need and I completely lose focus of myself until these anxiety spells start hitting. Sometimes it is very hard for me to remember what it is that *I* need and the things that *I* desire.

Unfortunately with the life that I generally end up living I constantly feel that the things I need and want are asking way too much and I silence myself when I should speak up. It's very hard caring for people in the state they are when they don't have the capacity to care for you back but that is part of compassion. The problem is that when you end up in a situation where its not just that they aren't able to care but its that they don't even desire to respect you. This situation occurs in my life over and over and over again. Why? Simply because I don't stand up for who *I* am and what *I* need.

What do I need?

I need to be loved for who I am and respected for who I am. I am not the perfect person and I'm, quite possibly, one of the worst... but I am me and I try my best. I fail... I fail a lot.

I can't always drop my entire life to help someone but it is going to kill me when I can't. I need to be able to feel appreciated even when I can't do what it is that is asked of me.

I need encouragement.... Lots of it. I try my best to encourage everyone else and I'm often left feeling that I really am not making an impact and that I shouldn't even bother anymore. Most of the time I think I end up talking into the wind... There is no confirmation that I was at least heard.

I need to be told when I am doing something right and/or helpful and not only told when I'm screwing something up. I will certainly screw things up and I do want to be told when I do but if all I'm ever told is when I'm doing something wrong then all I know is that I'm fighting a losing battle and should move on to somewhere that I can actually be making a difference.

I need to be a part of what I am working on. If I really can't be a part of the people or the project then I don't believe that there is anything that I can do that is going to be effective.

I need to be trusted. If I am not trusted then I am not going to feel a part of whats going on and I know for a fact that I am not going to be able to help.

I need cooperation. I can't do anything on my own and even if I could it wouldn't be worth it. If I am fighting for something or working towards something but no one else wants to be part of it then it's a futile effort.

Most of all -- I need people to remember that I am human and that there is a good chance that the things I am dealing with elsewhere are probably much larger than what you know -- in fact, I can pretty much assure you of that because I try, often too hard, to hide what is going on with me for the sake of the person I'm trying to be there for or the project I am working on. Even if I do manage to help in some minor way it does not mean that I am superhuman.

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Tuesday, February 06, 2007

So whats going on? This is the short story but basically I will be working full time for Fox Mill Pets and working full time for Pinogy (the owner's other company that does software development for independant pet retailers).... And no, this does not mean 80 hours a week because Ill be "on the clock" for both companies at the same time. Essentially, its a work around.... My total salary will be more than what I am making right now which is something that just shocks me..... This is incredible for me because it lets me work with a passion of mine (aquariums), lets me stay involved with tech, and pays my bills. I really could not be happier right now!

There are, of course, some concerns (unrelated) such as my taxes that are due in April (thousands.... sigh) and the search for a new place to live..... but on the place to live part, there are some really cool things going on there too!

Sooooo...... Im happy with 2007 so far :)

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(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

Sunday, February 04, 2007

I have really been missing a really big point. For over 10 years I have been trying to find "my place".... where God wants me and where I can be effective for God. Its been me knowing that God wants me for ministry and me trying to figure out where in ministry that is.... Ransom Network, New Life, Teen Quest.... I embrace or embraced all of these things as tho they were "my place" but now Im learning that the reality of the situation is that it really is God's place.... see, Ive been trying to say that I was cut out as the main course.... prime rib.... or whatever. The thing is, while I have been wanting to serve God, I've been missing the point.... In Matthew we are told that we are the salt of the earth.... I never have collected all of these thoughts and combined. See, it's not about my place.... its about taking the place where I am at and making it taste better. Thats what salt is all about... it makes things taste better.... and thats what I am supposed to be doing.... I need to take each day and make it taste better to the lives of others.

Constantly, things in my life rapidly change... and people say I need to be more stable.... but the only way that I can be more stable in the world's eyes is to ignore what God has for me next.... it would mean ignoring that each day is a day tha God gave me.... it would mean using that day for what the world thinks is "my place" and, thus, ignore that Im only supposed to make it taste better for others.

Why are these things in my life changing again? Quite simply, there is a new place that needs flavor.... there is a new place that God needs me to help.... and Ill be the flavor of that place until God moves me to another one, if He so desires.

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Monday, September 15, 2003

117, 134, 150 -- those were my games tonight. *sigh* I really suck this year so far. At least my team won all 7 points.
There's too much on my mind. I continually think of me and Tiff and analyze the situation.... maybe her going to livepool is designed for us to drift apart. I dont know what to make out of the situation.... thats not what I want but I guess maybe im coming to some realizations that I never did before. Truth is, right now I want to spend my life with her but im realizing that that may not be what she wants. True it SEEMS like thats what she wants but maybe she is just putting on a show like everyone tells me. Its really hard to believe in something that you have no evidence of. I guess we'll see how she handles being gone... I just wish someone special would come into my life that isnt engaged. I want so badly to have a commitment and it just isnt coming from tiff. *sigh* I dont know what to think anymore. Does she really love me? Is she really going to miss me? I just dont know. Who knows... maybe her being gone will actually make us get closer together. Either way she is going to have to make a decission. I'm trying to be paitient but its hard.
Another thing thats been on my mind. Every now and then I feel a strong call to ministry and then it dissappears. God has something special planned for me but I dont know what it is. Google has some serious job offerings and I would absolutely love to work for them. I'm debating putting in a resume and seeing what happens. If I do that tho, am I just pushing away the call for ministry again if I get and take a job with Google? Maybe it would be great to just get a good job with Google, move to CA and start my life over again. I dont know.

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(C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved

(C)2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved
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