Sunday, June 22, 2008 |
Wow I was a mess in 2003
So since I have been blogging since 2003 and blogs really didn't have tagging back then I decided that I'm going to slowly start working my way through my old posts and tagging them..... Good Lord I was a freaking mess. The most popular tag so far is "tiff" .... Man, I have noooo idea how that girl dealt with me... Well, I don't know how anyone dealt with me but especially her. Now she wasn't such a piece of cake herself at the time but, well.... just if you havent known me long and you think I'm an emotional mess at times now, go back through the archives of this blog and be amazed :)Labels: archives, blog, emotions, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, April 16, 2007 |
Today was a huge turning point for me.... but some of the changes happened a few weeks ago when I had a conversation with Tiff.... and there is a reason why I didn't mention that back then. The biggest problem wasn't that I missed Tiff and I wanted to be back with her... the reason why she consumed so much of me was because I wanted to have answers to something that seemed to be a focus of her hiding. What I wanted to know is that she was a good person and that she was, in fact, capable of telling the truth. I guess it's kind of like the situation of someone dying without you being able to tell them something that was on their heart. All you want is to be able to talk to them and say good bye and exchange anything that either of you feel needs to be exchanged. To me, Tiff died and I never got any closure to anything. It was a long and drawn out battle... years and years and years went by and it destroyed a part of me.... tho hindsight can see that when a part of you is destroyed, it's often to make room for a part of you that is better. I knew Tiff lied to me time after time and I knew that she lied about lying to me as well.... and for the past 2 years I wanted to hear something that would really hurt me but yet, anytime that came up, all I was given was a lie. I wanted to know that it wasn't ALL a lie.... I wanted to know that at least something was real -- but when a lie was put on top of a lie, you can only imagine that everything was a lie. Tiff told me a few weeks ago that she is back with Jim. I now know that she is capable of telling the truth.... and she is capable of being a good person. See, here's the thing. For the past 2 years, I really honestly never wanted to be back with Tiff but there were a few times that I let it appear to be going in that direction because I felt it was the only way that I could get closure.... I learned about a year and a half ago that Tiff wasn't ANYTHING that I wanted for my future wife.... and I also learned that whether or not she cheated on me in actions with Jim I knew that she did in thoughts and I learned that that was where she was meant to be. Simply put, I knew that Tiff needed to die within my mind but I didnt want her to die with the horrible image that I had.... I wanted her to die in my mind on a good note -- and help me put this bitterness aside. It's been pretty earth shattering since then. Tiff asked me why I let her tell me the truth and then just wanted to walk away and I told her because it's what was needed... it's what has been needed and was well overdue. I don't want her in my life and I really havent for the past year or so.... I just wanted to have something to hold on to.... and because I did really care for her, I wanted to know that she was ok. Jesus said that we need to give Him all of our burdens and He will give us rest... and over the past few weeks, a lot of burdens have been lifted from me.... some really huge ones that literally bring tears to my eyes. Finally closing the final chapter on Tiff has been extremely life changing.... and the financial burdens that have arose in the past month or so were miraculously lifted today... and most importantly, the miracles that God has performed has really restored my faith in the fact that He really is taking care of me no matter how bad it may seem at times. Because of that renewed faith I have had a lot of bondage lifted from me.... a lot of the things that I have struggled with seem almost non existent right now... Right now I sit here writting this blog and I realize that the eyes that I see the world through right now are so different than the ones that I saw through 2 or 3 weeks ago... I have dealt with a lot of struggles.... my faith has come close to totally disappearing... but as has always been true in my life, God will let things get messy for a while because I need to learn new lessons and I need to be prepared for "my next mission" ... and whatever the next thing is that God has for me is something that I usually don't know.... but God knows me and He knows when I need just a little something to give me a little boost. The singleness has really been hammering me hard recently... and my faith in ever finding someone special became extremely numb... last week someone asked me to the prom. Yea, there are some things to laugh about there but there is more seriousness to that than it might seem. I do look really young so she wasn't real sure of my age.... but you know, that gave me something to keep holding on to. True, it was something that wouldn't materialize BUT having someone see something in you that would push them to do something that they normally wouldnt do can really make you feel good about yourself.... and it really did remind me that there are girls out there that will find something about me that they don't see in anyone else.... and ultimately I will find a girl that sees something in me that she can't live without and vice versa. I am really thankful for the fact that I have this blog. I'm thankful for everyone that reads it (even the ones who read it because they are "out to get me").... This blog is my life and the purpose of it is to show both the good and the bad and hopefully it will touch people.... Honestly, if keeping this blog and going through the horrible experiences that I go through ends up helping even just one person -- then it's all worth it. And I really love the people who try to throw salt on my wounds by spreading the news that I made a depressing post or try to say "oh look, Christian boy is hurting" .... actually, its not really salt -- it's more like peroxide... whether it hurts or not it cleans out the wound and makes me stronger -- probably the whole reason why I had the wound in the first place. Life is all about helping people, loving people, and being honest..... The greatest fruit of the Spirit is Love.... and you can't love people and lie to them or love people and not want to help them.... so I guess it all really does go back to that.... and being honest about the fact that we don't always feel happy is, in my opinion, a very important part of being able to help people.... we really can't help anyone if they have any view that we're not human and have no possibility of understanding what they are going through. Rarely does anyone know exactly what the other person is going through but the people that have been through more can come closer to those who have had the poster "perfect life". Labels: ***, dreams, honesty, love, making a difference, miracles, purpose, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, January 20, 2007 |
So this is a weird one.... not reading anything into it, but just writing it down because it's, well, odd.... So the dream was basically that Tiff was being attacked by someone and just some really weird things were going on and it seemed like a repeat of things that were going.... literally I knew what was going to happen next because I lived the situation one or two times before. I remember trying to do everything that I could to stop the inevitable from happening and at one point, I knew the time and day that Tiff was going to be killed. At this time, we were dating.... and I remember my parents screaming and yelling at me for trying to find a way to visit Tiff because they said I'd have plenty of time but they didnt realize that I knew she was going to die in a few hours. I ended up not making it in time but by time I got there, it was after the time..... but she was still alive.... didnt really know why but it apparently had something to do with something I was trying to do to protect her. When I saw her I really wanted to spend time with her but she didnt have any time, she said. I tried to figure out a time to visit her again and there was an excuse for everything.... eventually I had found out in my persistent questioning that she was dating 2 other people.... and lie upon lie came out of what she had lied to me about.... I drove away extremely upset and having no care whether I ever saw her again or not.... and being upset that I even bothered trying to help her. So the craziest part of this dream is because its a lot of the way I feel... I mean, I don't know that I've done anything to help Tiff in the time that I have know her but in a general way, this is the way I feel alot -- not specifically related to Tiff, however. I mean, it seems that I try so hard to help people and all I get in return is... well, lies - if anything at all. And, no, it is not neccesary to get something in return for helping someone... I don't believe that a single bit... the hard part is when you feel like there is no one there to support you -- which is a way that I often feel. And maybe that's why my parents in the dream were not supporting me in trying to see Tiff... it wasn't because they didn't care but more that they didnt understand that I knew something that they did not.... I needed to make a crazy decission because of the information that I had.... now, granted, my parents have always been greatly supportive of me but when it comes to friends and extended family, well, there is a lack of a support because of a lack of understanding. The worst part of the dream was the last part -- not caring if I ever saw Tiff agian.... which is sometimes how I end up feeling.... if someone hurts me really bad, I don't just give up but I seem to sometimes lose all care for that person.... giving up isn't a bad thing, rather good..... but the not caring part isn't a good thing.... I think that my heart continues to become cauloused no matter how hard I try to prevent it. It's like going into caverns and you see the tunnels and stuff and the top of the tunnels in many caverns need to be touched or eventually, they tunnels will start growing closed from the water moving the soil lower and lower.... and I guess that's the way it is with the heart .... if no one touches your heart it starts growing closed.... sure, maybe it makes the whole heart stronger but it closes the ability to let anyone see the true beauty of who you are. We need people to touch our hearts and be there for us -- if we don't have that, our hearts just naturally close. Labels: dreams, friendship, relationships, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, December 28, 2006 |
Thats all to be said..... first of all.... Hyundai Elantras are absolutely great cars and you should buy one.... but when you do, buy an extra set of headlights for both high and low beams and keep them in your car at all time. They WILL blow out both at the same time and they WILL leave you stranded. I suggest doing drills of changing headlights because, well, you never know when the emergency will hit you. And I also suggest that you not attempt to "make it home" on high beams when you are in this great commonwealth of Virginia.... the cops WILL find you.... and they WILL pull you over.... by God's grace I somehow didnt get a citation.... just got yelled at a good bit. Oh, and dont even think about relying on Wal Mart for the headlights you need.... I had someone take to me to Wal Mart to get new bulbs and they didnt have any in stock.... OF ALL 4 FREAKING BRANDS THAT THEY CARRY! Then..... add to it tiff drama that just somehow finds me.... I havent talked to the girl and have no desire to talk to the girl but yet the drama finds a way to get me.... I had a box of stuff that I kept that was my "memories" of Tiff..... last week I shipped the entire box to her because I have no interest anymore.... yet, no matter how hard I try to stay away from all that crap, it finds me.... and its getting irritating...... I just want that whole era of my life to be erased... I want to have no memory of her.... but that's all just wishful thinking. tonight I decided to stay at the data center later and just nto work my 2 hour shift tomorrow morning..... I need a vacation.... a long one.... not just an extended holiday weekend. *sigh* Labels: drama, elantra, headlights, hyundai, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, September 30, 2003 |
I'm so fed up with everything.... I just want some things to be different... mom just told me that I have to be at my grandmother's house in the morning to help clean it.... this is ... ahh, im gonna try not to swear. I have to work 2-close tommorow and I like to go out to lunch with Jim and Jason and.... dangit... I need a vacation... I cant wait till december for our ski trip... away from everything.... away from mom and dad, away from the tiff crap... just away from everything.... Ahh yes, the tiff stuff.... tonight when I got home from work I had an IM from her that said "please tell me what that was all about" ... I dont know what to say to her... I'm fed up with the situation... Im tired of things starting to look positive and then falling back to the way they were. I'm really starting to think my friends are right and I'm being played... I dont want to believe that but maybe I just need to realize it and move on. Jim has been trying to convince me to go to this "Equally Yoked" place which is for Christian singles... maybe thats what I need to do. Labels: depression, linkin park, single, ski, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Labels: relationships, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, September 29, 2003 |
Today was an interesting day.... things between me and Tiff are interesting. Im really tired of this entire situation. I love Tiff to death and everything but I just cant be in this position anymore. She says that she wants to be with me... but I see no evidence of that... She believes that I'm her soulmate but she doesnt believe that that means that shes meant to be with me. As for me, I dont know what to think... a month ago I would have swore to you that Tiff was my soulmate but now I just dont know what to think... and then to top it all off after she tells me something she gets all paranoid and now im affraid that she's just not going to tell me stuff anymore. She wants to talk face to face but that just cant be right now.... if we dont talk online, we dont talk at all. She said that she has the feeling that she is replacable in my life... I dont know what to think... no she's not... but then again, where is that going to be in a few weeks. The truth is that if I meet someone else and we really hit it off, maybe that new person will be my soulmate and that then means that Tiff is not. If Tiff is not my soulmate, is she replacable? Well, I guess ultimately yes. I dont want it to be that way... and I dont know if she truly understands that but I just cant be in this "stringing-me-on" position. Whether that is her intention or not, thats whats happening. She says she's praying really hard.... I guess what I need to do is start agressively looking for another girl.... if Tiff and I are meant to be, God will answer her before I find someone.... and if God does answer her and she ignores it, well then, its her own fault... I think God has answered her but she's just waiting for something to magically happen to make this easy on her.... and it just might not happen. We're reading about moses now in our devotions... God promised the israelites freedom from egypt but it got harder and they had to work more before they were set free.... thats where we're at. I think God has answered but its going to take effort before its complete... and unfortunately it's out of my hands.... Tiff is the one who has to stand up and make it happen.... if she doesnt do it, then Im sure God will bless me with someone else. I just have to focus on God right now... I need to get my life in order... God will give me someone... whether it's Tiff or not. I dont have to worry. Well, I have to get up early tommorow to go into the doctors to get blood work done (yea!)... I hate needles... but anyway, I'm going to bed. Please pray for me... I could really use it right now. Labels: bowling, depression, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I'm reminded tonight of when Tiff and I went mini golfing... we had such a good time and it was just a reminder of how much I love doing stuff with her. I really believe that if her and I get married, it will be the perfect marriage. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, September 28, 2003 |
Ok, now that thats out of the way.... what my day was like.... not bad. I slept in and was 15 mins late for work but it wasnt too bad. We actually had a good time at work. It was a bit hectic since we were a little busy and we only had 3 people in the kitchen, but we pulled through and had a good time doing it. Tonight I have really been missing Tiffany. I didnt get a chance to talk to her but I guess I need to get used to that. Her classes start on Monday so our schedules will be even harder to cordinate. I think the time difference might actually be the saving grace though. She should be done with classes and well into the evening before I start work. No new developments though. Things are still looking a little more promising but im not accepting it as fact until its done and over with. My desire is to be with Tiffany, but right now, until (if) im with tiffany, I will remain open to other girls and get to know them. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Friday, September 26, 2003 |
Labels: tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, September 23, 2003 |
Im convinced that no matter what, my life is going to be confusing. Today some VERY promising things happened with Tiff and that, of course, made me very happy. Why is this confusing? Well, I have already begun the job of "looking for someone else" and in that job I have encountered Kelli. She's a very sweet girl and definately someone I'd like to get to know more. Why couldnt things look promising before I started looking. None-the-less, what happens is what happens. I explained to Kelli what was going on.... I dont even know if things would work out that way between me and Kelli... there is potential but Ive only known her like 2 days... so its hard to say. God has been speaking to Tiff... and that really makes me happy.... my concern is that she fully hears God.... when God speaks to her, I think it will answer alot of questions. Maybe Kelli is in my life now to be a very good friend.... which im sure both of us would be content with. We'll see what happens. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, September 22, 2003 |
Tonight at delivery didnt go too bad... I guess once I get to that place I dont mind it so much... but I would so much rather be at my home pizza hut. I didnt get to talk to Tiff tonight much but I was talking to her through text messaging for a while. I guess there is a little more promising than there was before. God will work it all out. If Im supposed to be with Tiff, it'll happen... if not, someone else will come into my life.... I'm open to either right now. (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, September 21, 2003 |
Labels: tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, September 20, 2003 |
I dont know what state im in right now. I dont know how I feel... I dont know whats best for me. I find myself trapped in addictions and unable to free myself from anything. I cling to the only thing that I cant have. I have been backsliding. I should be above the circumstances im in, but im not. I havent learned from my previous problems and again, I repeat. I often sit back and wonder when this cycle will be broken and then I start to wonder if it ever will. Stuck in this carnal body hoping that some day soon I will leave and meet my Maker. I give God all the glory for my life. I am happy that I have my life and wouldnt wish my life away. Despite this, I still wish that things were different. In a perfect world I would be serving God and displaying His image everywhere I went. In a perfect world I would have that special girl beside me. Not only would she love me and respect me but I would also respect her; and we would be happy. This, however, is not a perfect world. And I guess that we wouldnt have God's grace if this was. Right now I dont serve God all that I could or should. Right now, that perfect girl is not only not mine but she is in another country. Tonight I was explaining my story to someone and she asked me if someone else came along if I would really want to give up Tiffany. My answer in short was yes. My answer in detail after thinking of it becomes much more complicated. Do I want to give up Tiffany? No. But I often feel as though I am forced (or at least going to be forced) to give her up. I have a constant fear that that day is coming. I used to believe so blindly that Tiffany would one day be mine and everything would be perfect. For such a long time I saw evidence of that... and I guess I still do see evidence. But after such a long time you start to question things. I guess this is my way of dealing with the uncertainty. I have, before, really believed that someone was for me -- and I was wrong. I see now that it was a good thing I was wrong in those instances. Someday though, I'm going to be right. I hope that this time I'm right; but I have to prepare myself for the shock that im not. At any time one of two things could happen. Tiffany could break it off with Jim and commit herself to me or Jim and Tiff could set a date for marriage and the relationship between Tiff and I ends. I have to prepare myself for either of those two. I guess I fear the later for two reasons. The obvious: I dont get to cherrish Tiffany as my bride but the other, well, I lose a good friend. Granted, in so many situations I am still extemely good friends with my ex girlfriends... even ones who severely hurt me. I just dont know if I could continue the relationship between me and tiff without the possibility of marriage. The reason? She is too perfect for me. Labels: depression, emotions, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
I'm frustrated. I still wish I knew what was going on in tiff's head. I miss her so much but at the same time I wonder if I need to be just growing away from her. She just doesnt seem to want to do enough to keep me. I'm still second best and I dont like that. If she would have just told me she had a boyfriend when I first met her I would have just moved on and wouldnt have had time to get attached. Now I am attached. I guess everything happens for a reason and maybe her and I are supposed to be together.... still, I just wish I had a commitment in my life... whether from her or from someone else. I need that in my life. Labels: tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, September 18, 2003 |
I did get to talk to tiff today... it was really nice. I miss her alot. At the same time, im happy to be meeting some new people. Maybe one of those new people will become the one for me... maybe not... maybe tiff will remain. I dont know what I hope for... I just hope God reveals to me whats going on soon. The uncertainty is really hard right now. Well, I think I am gonna go to bed. Good night. Labels: tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, September 17, 2003 |
Today was a pretty good day. Days off of work at like that :) and today was extra special because I got to talk to Tiff. I am reminded again how much I love her. Yesterday at work monica asked "is your girlfriend back yet?" She didnt realize that Tiff had just now left for liverpool. After I told her that she just left I began my ever-so-popular story of how tiff is not my girlfriend. Monica simply looked at me and said "she will be" and then explained the absence makes the heart grow fonder story. I hope that she is right. But this is all left up in the air. Its hard to say what is coming in the next few months let alone the next year. I really wish that tiff was around though. She has been on my mind all night. I love her -- that is the bottom line of this blog. Labels: tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, September 16, 2003 |
RIAA: They suck. Its crazy that they are suing 12 year old girls over the swapping of music. Granted, copyright laws need to be enforced but the music industry is not giving consumers an option. They should be embracing this technology and trying to find ways to make money off of it rather than trying to stop it. The technology is here. No matter how hard they try they are not going to be able to stop it. Why not charge $5 a month for a file swapping blanket license and actually give the artists royalties. I think that the RIAA's actions have given me reason not to purchase any more CDs. They dont deserve the money. SCO: I may not be too well versed on this subject but I think that SCO is trying to cheat their way into profit. In case you dont know, they are suing IBM and other Linux companies because they claim that Unix System 5 code is contained in the Linux 2.4 kernel. For one, SCO just recently received the rights to UNIX, which was first developed (to my knowledge) by AT&T. They simply do not know the history of what they are dealing with. Secondly, they have yet to show code that is in violation. The open source community has the power to fix these problems if only SCO would allow them. They have yet to produce code and when IBM and SGI requested to see the code, SCO told them they were required to sign non-disclosure agreements. This is insane. If their code was violated and entered into the open source community, then that nullifies the need for a NDA. What is there left to protect if this code has in fact been violated? To my knowledge IBM has not signed this. In response, IBM is suing SCO over patent infringements. Come on SCO.... why mess with IBM? Big Blue can make your life a living hell and they probably will. SCO has nothing to gain in this lawsuit. Even if they win they will only kill Linux and allow the open source community to start something else. The image of SCO has been damaged and I doubt they will be able to gain that back. Last but not least, the ramblings of my head. I really miss Tiffany right now. I know in my last few posts I have wrote some things that may really cause you to question how I feel about her. Maybe I am questioning it myself.... and most of what I said is truly what I feel.... but I really do miss her and I want nothing more than to hold her right now. I hope she is having a fun and safe trip and that her semester goes well. I love you, tiff! I really do. Labels: linux, mafiaa, riaa, sco, tiff, unix (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, September 15, 2003 |
There's too much on my mind. I continually think of me and Tiff and analyze the situation.... maybe her going to livepool is designed for us to drift apart. I dont know what to make out of the situation.... thats not what I want but I guess maybe im coming to some realizations that I never did before. Truth is, right now I want to spend my life with her but im realizing that that may not be what she wants. True it SEEMS like thats what she wants but maybe she is just putting on a show like everyone tells me. Its really hard to believe in something that you have no evidence of. I guess we'll see how she handles being gone... I just wish someone special would come into my life that isnt engaged. I want so badly to have a commitment and it just isnt coming from tiff. *sigh* I dont know what to think anymore. Does she really love me? Is she really going to miss me? I just dont know. Who knows... maybe her being gone will actually make us get closer together. Either way she is going to have to make a decission. I'm trying to be paitient but its hard. Another thing thats been on my mind. Every now and then I feel a strong call to ministry and then it dissappears. God has something special planned for me but I dont know what it is. Google has some serious job offerings and I would absolutely love to work for them. I'm debating putting in a resume and seeing what happens. If I do that tho, am I just pushing away the call for ministry again if I get and take a job with Google? Maybe it would be great to just get a good job with Google, move to CA and start my life over again. I dont know. Labels: bowling, jobs, ministry, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Labels: depression, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, September 13, 2003 |
Labels: commitment, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, September 10, 2003 |
Today was a very happy yet very sad day. Tiff came down for the day and we had a great time together but its the last time I'll see her until next year. I wish I had the money to fly over and visit her in Liverpool, but I guess I'll just have to settle for emails and phone calls. I'm gonna miss her while she is gone. Labels: tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved
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