Friday, April 27, 2007 |
What does that really mean? It's a negative comment made to someone who supposedly doesnt understand "the way the real world works" .... It's said to someone who is "broken" in the way they think...... ..... or is it the other way around? Maybe the way "the real world works" is what is broken? We're becoming such an "advanced" society... we're doing more than we have ever thought to be possible -- and yet there are more depressed people now than there ever were. Every person experiences stress and most experience it at least once daily. I hardly think this is what God intended, however, I do believe that stress is a part of this world functioning properly but living in constant stress is not. In The Matrix, Agent Smith was explaining to Neo how the machines had created the perfect world but the human mind couldn't respond to it. Neo was told that the machines had to create a world with problems so that the humans could function mentally. The irony is that the entire movie was based on the stories told in the Bible -- is it possible that the authors of the movie understood the Bible more than many Christians do (whether they practice it or not is irrevlevant in this case). Imagine yourself in a perfect world.... in that imagination, take away everything that you know about pain. All of a sudden, you're "dream world" changes because it's no longer a feeling of euphoria because you simply do not know what the other end of the spectrum is. Imagine the color spectrum.... we mix red, green, and blue to create all of the colors that we know. Now take away blue as a base color and we're suddenly left with an entirely different world. We lose a complete side of the spectrum. The concept of ying and yang is quite true. You can not have evil withot good and you can not have good without evil. While evil may exist, we don't realize it as evil because there is nothing to compare it to -- and vice versa. We constantly hear from people who our upset with a God that would allow satan to fall and take the world with him and create so much pain for us but could it be that allowing pain to be added to this world actually has made it more enjoyable for us? I watched a documentary a while ago about the mind of a killer. The explanation was simply that people who commit crimes suffer from LOW stimulation of the mind. If the mind isn't used or isn't able to be used then it "makes it's self known" so to speak. Basically, it's out of boredom that the human mind would commit a crime -- it adds excitement to something that is boring.... quite interesting that one of the first signs of ADD/ADHD is a child being a bully at school. I was told today at work by someone that if we fixed everything now, what would we have to complain about. Usually that is something that is said jokingly but he meant it seriously.... and he explained how he had been in situations that they fixed everything rapidly and the next time he went back, they were complaining about stupid little things -- things that didnt make the slightest bit of a difference. He really couldnt be more on the money. The human mind simply can not deal with something that is perfect because being perfect is outside of our human/wordly logic. Perhaps this is another reason why so many people have trouble believing in God -- because there just can not be anyone that is perfect -- at least in our logic. I've been told I'm living in a dream world and in so many ways, it's true. The thing is, it's not ALL my dream world. If it was, things would be different and, quite likely, a lot more boring. The important thing is that I have parts of my life that are my dream world because it really is what drives me. Watching dreams come true is a miracle unfolding right in front of you.... having dreams drives those and makes you a better person. If you believe that when you "grow up" you need to quit living make believe then you have lost all hope of being truly happy and acomplished. Maybe you'll end up with a lot of money but when you die, that's all you'll be. You wont be remembered for very long -- and you certainly won't have changed anything. On the other hand, if you fight for your passion then you truly will make a difference.... driving this might just be that you face more hardships but those hardships will then make the other end of the spectrum that much more enjoyable which, in turn, makes you a happier person. I've worked for many companies and I've watched them turn from a business that was passionate about what they did into a company that was now nothing more than making more money -- and almost all of those businesses have lost money. I've seen Disney Resorts lose sight of the Disney characters and all of a sudden go into lots of turmoil and lose lots of profits. I've seen Pizza Hut lose sight of customer service and quality pizza in exchange for cutting labor costs and using cheaper products. I saw Wal-Mart lose sight of Sam Walton's vision and eventually turn into one of America's most hated companies. I can only imagine that Sam Walton, Walt Disney, and the two brothers that started Pizza Hut in Wichita are rolling in their graves. Actually, I think everyone that died 50 years ago are doing the same thing just wanting to yell up at the generation that controls this nation, and especially corporate america, and tell everyone that we've just got it all wrong. The way to make money is to be passionate about what you do. It's about stimulating your brain and thinking about how you can make it better instead of thinking how it logically would fit into our business world. I've been told that I live in a dream world and now my response is "what is wrong with that?" I dreamed of owning a house some day.... the incredible thing is that I pursued something that just didnt seem possible and as it sits right now, I'm going to end up with an awesome house AND 1.8 acres of land. I could have never dreamed that.... not in a million years.... at least not before I was 30. I talked myself out of this four times already and finally I just realized that I needed to jump and live my dream whether I thought I could financially do it or not -- and by living my dream, it amazingly seems that I am going to end up with a lot more money in the end. Psychology has told us that belief in Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny and other imaginary stories and characters make our children better able to handle things in this world. Lots of research has said that when we force our kids to grow up too fast they struggle a lot more. I think the unfinished research would show that if we totally "grow up" even in our adult lives, we are just as likely to struggle -- no matter how successful the world believes that we are. Labels: ***, appreciate, depression, dreams, emotional pain, making a difference, psychology, society, stress (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, April 16, 2007 |
Today was a huge turning point for me.... but some of the changes happened a few weeks ago when I had a conversation with Tiff.... and there is a reason why I didn't mention that back then. The biggest problem wasn't that I missed Tiff and I wanted to be back with her... the reason why she consumed so much of me was because I wanted to have answers to something that seemed to be a focus of her hiding. What I wanted to know is that she was a good person and that she was, in fact, capable of telling the truth. I guess it's kind of like the situation of someone dying without you being able to tell them something that was on their heart. All you want is to be able to talk to them and say good bye and exchange anything that either of you feel needs to be exchanged. To me, Tiff died and I never got any closure to anything. It was a long and drawn out battle... years and years and years went by and it destroyed a part of me.... tho hindsight can see that when a part of you is destroyed, it's often to make room for a part of you that is better. I knew Tiff lied to me time after time and I knew that she lied about lying to me as well.... and for the past 2 years I wanted to hear something that would really hurt me but yet, anytime that came up, all I was given was a lie. I wanted to know that it wasn't ALL a lie.... I wanted to know that at least something was real -- but when a lie was put on top of a lie, you can only imagine that everything was a lie. Tiff told me a few weeks ago that she is back with Jim. I now know that she is capable of telling the truth.... and she is capable of being a good person. See, here's the thing. For the past 2 years, I really honestly never wanted to be back with Tiff but there were a few times that I let it appear to be going in that direction because I felt it was the only way that I could get closure.... I learned about a year and a half ago that Tiff wasn't ANYTHING that I wanted for my future wife.... and I also learned that whether or not she cheated on me in actions with Jim I knew that she did in thoughts and I learned that that was where she was meant to be. Simply put, I knew that Tiff needed to die within my mind but I didnt want her to die with the horrible image that I had.... I wanted her to die in my mind on a good note -- and help me put this bitterness aside. It's been pretty earth shattering since then. Tiff asked me why I let her tell me the truth and then just wanted to walk away and I told her because it's what was needed... it's what has been needed and was well overdue. I don't want her in my life and I really havent for the past year or so.... I just wanted to have something to hold on to.... and because I did really care for her, I wanted to know that she was ok. Jesus said that we need to give Him all of our burdens and He will give us rest... and over the past few weeks, a lot of burdens have been lifted from me.... some really huge ones that literally bring tears to my eyes. Finally closing the final chapter on Tiff has been extremely life changing.... and the financial burdens that have arose in the past month or so were miraculously lifted today... and most importantly, the miracles that God has performed has really restored my faith in the fact that He really is taking care of me no matter how bad it may seem at times. Because of that renewed faith I have had a lot of bondage lifted from me.... a lot of the things that I have struggled with seem almost non existent right now... Right now I sit here writting this blog and I realize that the eyes that I see the world through right now are so different than the ones that I saw through 2 or 3 weeks ago... I have dealt with a lot of struggles.... my faith has come close to totally disappearing... but as has always been true in my life, God will let things get messy for a while because I need to learn new lessons and I need to be prepared for "my next mission" ... and whatever the next thing is that God has for me is something that I usually don't know.... but God knows me and He knows when I need just a little something to give me a little boost. The singleness has really been hammering me hard recently... and my faith in ever finding someone special became extremely numb... last week someone asked me to the prom. Yea, there are some things to laugh about there but there is more seriousness to that than it might seem. I do look really young so she wasn't real sure of my age.... but you know, that gave me something to keep holding on to. True, it was something that wouldn't materialize BUT having someone see something in you that would push them to do something that they normally wouldnt do can really make you feel good about yourself.... and it really did remind me that there are girls out there that will find something about me that they don't see in anyone else.... and ultimately I will find a girl that sees something in me that she can't live without and vice versa. I am really thankful for the fact that I have this blog. I'm thankful for everyone that reads it (even the ones who read it because they are "out to get me").... This blog is my life and the purpose of it is to show both the good and the bad and hopefully it will touch people.... Honestly, if keeping this blog and going through the horrible experiences that I go through ends up helping even just one person -- then it's all worth it. And I really love the people who try to throw salt on my wounds by spreading the news that I made a depressing post or try to say "oh look, Christian boy is hurting" .... actually, its not really salt -- it's more like peroxide... whether it hurts or not it cleans out the wound and makes me stronger -- probably the whole reason why I had the wound in the first place. Life is all about helping people, loving people, and being honest..... The greatest fruit of the Spirit is Love.... and you can't love people and lie to them or love people and not want to help them.... so I guess it all really does go back to that.... and being honest about the fact that we don't always feel happy is, in my opinion, a very important part of being able to help people.... we really can't help anyone if they have any view that we're not human and have no possibility of understanding what they are going through. Rarely does anyone know exactly what the other person is going through but the people that have been through more can come closer to those who have had the poster "perfect life". Labels: ***, dreams, honesty, love, making a difference, miracles, purpose, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, February 25, 2007 |
I remember years ago getting my first computer. It was a Tandy Color Computer 3 (TRS-80). You really couldn't call it a computer based on today's standards of what a computer is and does.... but this machine gave me a baseline and got my interest going even more than it already had. One thing about this machine was it had a few easter eggs. One of these was holding down a key combination while turning it on or resetting it and you would be shown an image of the 3 major developers of the platform. There was also a program that turned the contents of the RAM into a display of garbled text and characters. This is not meant to be technical but only an analogy. I remember running this program and watching what came on to the screen. I questioned why text contents of a program ran hours ago were displayed and, yet, programs that ran only seconds ago seemed to not have their place. I guess this is the same question I have of the human mind. God embeds in each one of us a number of things that make us who we are. Unique to everyone else. It is the contents of our memory that makes us the most unique, however, there are variations in our embedded programming that truly make us unique from the time of birth. All of these lead to things that provide some type of force.... whether that force be changing the lives of others or just reminding us of who we are. At times our minds run this program that dumps the memory and all of a sudden we are questioning why.... why was one aspect of our lives seemingly important and yet another one that we thought should be in reality was not. Dreams are sometimes that memory dump. I believe that God does use dreams and I also believe that many people read too much into dreams. No matter what, dreams are something that our mind uses to give our hearts feedback and in some occasions, just the opposite. I believe that the latter is the most likely time that God is directly involved. Just last night that very thing was true of me. For so long I have been so incredibly proud of the fact that I have remained a virgin. I still remain proud of that fact but recently I had found myself questioning why I am bothering. In the recent year I have lost a lot of really special relationships and in at least two of those cases I believe that my desire to wait for marriage was to blame. I questioned why it was worth it to abstain from something I wanted so bad when all it was doing was preventing something else that I also wanted so badly -- a relationship. I found myself starting to believe that some people would maybe desire me more if I wasn't standing in the way of something they desired so badly -- apparently something that was so important that the matter of a friendship was misplaced. Last night I had a dream.... I stood at a counter talking to 3 girls. The girl on the end was one of the most attractive and cutest girls that I had seen. She looked up and smiled at me so intently that it moved my heart in a tremendous way. I found myself explaining lots of things about my life.... the I mentioned my desire to wait for marriage and immediately the other 2 girls said something to the effect of me really capturing the heart of this third girl. I looked over at her and she had the biggest smile that was possible and it also appeared that she had tears in her eyes. This morning when I woke up I remembered that dream vividly and I was reminded of why I have the desire to abstain: because my future wife deserves it. I have been struggling with the thoughts that I will never find her but I have so strongly been reminded that she is out there and that when God introduces us (if he hasnt already), it is going to be nothing short of miraculous. It's extremely hard to understand why we are who we are. We know that our experiences and our emotions make us that person but we never really understand how that process works. One thing is for sure -- God has designed us in His image and has made us perfect in His sight. Why our mind holds one thing and not another is a mystery that only God understands. We may begin to understand the organics of our mind and be able to see reactions to stimuli but in the same wat that those 3 developers knew the workings of my first computer in a way that I would never be able to understand no matter how much I tried, it is God -- and only God -- that fully understands the mysteries of our minds. Labels: ***, abstinence, dreams, miracles, psychology, virginity (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, January 20, 2007 |
So this is a weird one.... not reading anything into it, but just writing it down because it's, well, odd.... So the dream was basically that Tiff was being attacked by someone and just some really weird things were going on and it seemed like a repeat of things that were going.... literally I knew what was going to happen next because I lived the situation one or two times before. I remember trying to do everything that I could to stop the inevitable from happening and at one point, I knew the time and day that Tiff was going to be killed. At this time, we were dating.... and I remember my parents screaming and yelling at me for trying to find a way to visit Tiff because they said I'd have plenty of time but they didnt realize that I knew she was going to die in a few hours. I ended up not making it in time but by time I got there, it was after the time..... but she was still alive.... didnt really know why but it apparently had something to do with something I was trying to do to protect her. When I saw her I really wanted to spend time with her but she didnt have any time, she said. I tried to figure out a time to visit her again and there was an excuse for everything.... eventually I had found out in my persistent questioning that she was dating 2 other people.... and lie upon lie came out of what she had lied to me about.... I drove away extremely upset and having no care whether I ever saw her again or not.... and being upset that I even bothered trying to help her. So the craziest part of this dream is because its a lot of the way I feel... I mean, I don't know that I've done anything to help Tiff in the time that I have know her but in a general way, this is the way I feel alot -- not specifically related to Tiff, however. I mean, it seems that I try so hard to help people and all I get in return is... well, lies - if anything at all. And, no, it is not neccesary to get something in return for helping someone... I don't believe that a single bit... the hard part is when you feel like there is no one there to support you -- which is a way that I often feel. And maybe that's why my parents in the dream were not supporting me in trying to see Tiff... it wasn't because they didn't care but more that they didnt understand that I knew something that they did not.... I needed to make a crazy decission because of the information that I had.... now, granted, my parents have always been greatly supportive of me but when it comes to friends and extended family, well, there is a lack of a support because of a lack of understanding. The worst part of the dream was the last part -- not caring if I ever saw Tiff agian.... which is sometimes how I end up feeling.... if someone hurts me really bad, I don't just give up but I seem to sometimes lose all care for that person.... giving up isn't a bad thing, rather good..... but the not caring part isn't a good thing.... I think that my heart continues to become cauloused no matter how hard I try to prevent it. It's like going into caverns and you see the tunnels and stuff and the top of the tunnels in many caverns need to be touched or eventually, they tunnels will start growing closed from the water moving the soil lower and lower.... and I guess that's the way it is with the heart .... if no one touches your heart it starts growing closed.... sure, maybe it makes the whole heart stronger but it closes the ability to let anyone see the true beauty of who you are. We need people to touch our hearts and be there for us -- if we don't have that, our hearts just naturally close. Labels: dreams, friendship, relationships, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved
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