Friday, June 26, 2009 |
I wish I was an asshole
I think the primary problem with the subject of this blog post isn't the content of it but rather the fact that this world forces people into that statement. Our world is going more and more downhill and it's been documented, planned, and pushed forward towards that than some people realize. Just sit back and think about it.... we're supposed to work together on everything and be a team.... its taught to us by people above us constantly..... almost every employer has those signs hanging somewhere or at least pushes that statement -- and statement is really the best way to describe it because how many of us actually know of employers that show that in their own day to day operations? It sounds really good to say that you support team work but it's really easier to work towards you own personal profits if you leave that part out.....In my daily life I continue to be as helpful and kind as I can be and most of the time I get punished for it.... I'm still single but yet I'm told by lots of girls that I am so sweet and such a great person which is followed by them talking about their asshole boyfriend which she someday breaks up with and then finds another asshole boyfriend..... so why am I single? Well, it simply seems that a big reason is that I am NOT and asshole. Or how about trying to make things better for someone or something? I enjoy going the extra mile and helping people out but what happens if it steps on someone who just happens to like doing things the way it's always been done no matter how inefficient it is or how many people are put in danger or many other various reasons? Well it's obvious -- I get punished for it. Perhaps the saddest part about all of this is that if I were, in fact, the asshole then it wouldn't hurt nearly as bad as it does....... ..... it's hard to hurt if you can't feel anything :( Labels: emotional pain, psychology, relationships, single, society, work (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, July 26, 2008 |
Be there for someone, no matter what
Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. --Galatians 6:2It's often hard to understand what it is that we are accomplishing and I think many leave this life without knowing half of the good that they have done. My 2nd cousin's wife, Becca, had a long fight with cancer and it ended last week when God took her home. She grew up in the same church that we grew up in. I didn't know her like a close friend but we did, of course, know each other. She always was an understanding person and someone that you just wanted to be around. It's quite possible that no one knew just how great of a person she was until last week. Last night I called my mom to let her know what was going on with me and with my friend who has been dealing with this horrible custody battle and harassment from her ex. It was supposed to just be talking but I ended up in tears at least 3 times. It's a really hard thing when you know you're supposed to be somewhere, and you actually are there, but you just simply don't know how much of the pressure you can take. My mom and I ended up talking about various different things and she told me about Becca's funeral. My mom said that at at least one of the viewings people were lined up the street about 5 blocks.... I'm not talking about cars but people standing in line to go into the funeral home. My mom said that the service was one of the longest she had ever been to because when they asked if anyone had anything to say or share person after person stood up and explained how Becca impacted their life. You have to wonder how much of this Becca actually knew about. It's continually hard to stay focused on doing good and trying your best to be a good person and being there for others. When these people are hard to deal with thats when they need you the most because everyone else will start giving up. Another thing that my mom and I talked about last night was how years ago I was the person that no one could deal with. I still think back over that time and I realize how much pain I put Tiff through. Sure, Tiff had her problems too but the way that she stood by me in times that I would have shot me had to be extremely tough on her. Ultimately, I don't know if she realizes how much she helped me. I wonder if she realizes that what I was going through was an important thing for me to experience because I believe God was preparing me to help others. I wonder if she knows that it's highly possible that an adorable 2 year old has been powerfully affected by her indirectly. All these people that helped me along the way -- do they realize that I may be impacting people's lives that I wouldn't have been able to if they didn't deal with me. My mom told me how years ago she would read my blog at night and just cry and realize that there was nothing more she could do than pray.... I have to think that in a way my parents are like Abraham and Sarah.... My mom loves kids but she still doesn't have any grandkids. Things just haven't been going in that direction for myself and my sisters.... I guess my youngest sister is the closest since she's getting married soon but sometimes if we focus on what we don't have we totaly lose sight of what we do. If my mom focuses on the fact that she doesn't have grandkids then she misses the fact that, because of her, hundreds of kids are being affected positively. Both my sisters are gymnastics coaches and they impact the lives of toddlers through teens about every day of their lives. One of those sisters is a special education techer in elementary school.... So maybe I don't have a job that is impacting hundreds of children but what I do have is a great friend who has an adorable 2 year old who I adore and she adores me..... and while I miss Eli greatly, I like to think that I did some good in his life..... and the brushings that I have with my other friends that are single mothers.... It's my hope that I have at least been some type of a positive impact on a child's life. The hardest things that happen are almost always the things that make the biggest impact. More often than not we don't know the impact that we are making but its important that we keep making that impact because we may end up being remembered for more than one generation as "the person who really was there for me" .... or "there for my dad" ... or "there for my grandpap" ...... Labels: ***, comfort, relationships, sacrifice, worth (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, February 03, 2008 | |||
My Jung Personality (And why I'm single?)
Jung Explorer Test Now it all makes sense.... I am in a group that makes up only 8.1% of the population and I'm attracted to a group that makes up only 4.4% of the population. Interestingly enough, my disfavored career list includes "Computer Technician" .... I have to somewhat refute that because Computer Technician is a very broad term. I am quite specific about the things with computers I like and dislike. Most of what I like to do with a computer involves huge amounts of creativity. I think one of the coolest things is how similar I am to who I want to be.... I think this is something that people struggle with a lot but I think it boils down to people just not being content. If you are content with what life brings you then you'll generally be able to accept hardships because, at the root, you enjoy the person you are. Labels: personality, psychology, relationships (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, October 07, 2007 |
Quite frankly, a lot of very strange things have been happening with me recently. I can't say any of them are bad but there is definately something different about me. I really do feel like God is about to push me in some new directions and, while this can sometimes make me nervous, I think it often makes those around me more nervous :) It seems when I hit situations like this it requires a huge leap of faith and is almost always something that defies logic. I often face people that lecture me and tell me how off-course I am.... I face people that run in fear because they want to defend me to the latter but they just aren't able to justify it themselves.... I have people that run away just because they don't want to deal with anything.... What I think the scariest part about this is is the fact that no one is ever really there to support me. Sure, God's in it.... but as far as anyone around me, it's all about second-guessing my actions, my beliefs, my intelligence.... What is really starting to get me is that over these years I've grown used to doing this stuff on my own (don't lecture me - I know God is in it - I'm reffering to physical surroundings) and it seems like I'm just training myself to be alone. I'm not fond of it.... I'm not fond of living in this awesome house by myself. I love where I live and I love helping people and being around people but the situations that I have been led in to and the (no doubt God-given) decissions that I have made have really pushed me away from... well, that's just it - I don't know. The only thing I'm really sure about is that being alone is something that is becomming a part of my life and I don't like it one bit. I don't know where my life is about to go.... I never really do. I just really hope that maybe this is the change that God does that involves me actually finding someone who cares for me and wants to be around me and help me as much as I help her. There are plenty of people in my life for that I care for whole-heartedly but maybe sometime soon I will find the one that not only will do the same for me but actually DESIRES to do it. Labels: changes, companionship, lonely, love, relationships, single, worth (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, June 11, 2007 |
I guess in my psycho-analyzing mind, I'm realizing that the failure of relationships may just be the fact that they are designated as relationships. All of us limit ourselves in ways that each one can't realize. There is something that we allow to control us... and often, there are things that we believe will always control us. This isn't the way God intended it tho.... Actually, God gives us all our own free will so that we can make our own choices. This is the way that we were designed and when we allow anything to control us, we are held to expectations of whatever it is that controls us. The person or object that controls us will vary between person to person. Some are addicted to drugs, some pornography, some alcohol.... some let a parent or an ex or a friend control them.... others allow situations to control them. Each one of these controlling factors carries some sort of an expectation.... drugs have the expectation that you will give your body more drugs.... pornography has the expectation that you will spend hours at your computer throwing time away.... when you get into another person controlling someone, the expectations that are possible are and endless list. The point is, while so many of these things can be great at first, it eventually comes to a point where the expectations are greater than you wanted and all of a sudden you are trapped and the relationship with that person, addiction, or thing suddenly isn't all that great.... disaster ensues. If you think of the social scenario of "dating", it doesnt take long before you see where expectations come into the picture. In one look at the other person, expectations (and assumptions) are made instantly.... sadly, it's often all based on physical attraction. Before even your first words are said, each person has at least one expectation.... from there on out, that game seems to be convincing yourself that those expectations were wrong.... You're already behind the gate because your not starting at 0 ... you're actually starting at a negative because your not going into the scenario trying to learn who someone really is but your going into a scenario where you have to first realize that they are not who you thought they were.... if you make it past that point, then you can begin learning who someone is.... but I think most relationships die before this point. The second that we form a "relationship" (meant in the romantic sense), we essentially doom that friendship from flourishing. Oh, it's true.... many people go on to get married..... but don't you think that may explain why the divorce rate is so high? I've been told so many times that I shouldn't go looking for love and that I should just let it find me.... maybe the answer to a relationship isn't love but finding someone that you can share your life with. Oh, love is an important part -- but we're supposed to be loving everyone. And sure, there is love in a marriage ... there has to be. But maybe the problem is that we are so focused on loving and being loved and at the same time we're focusing on finding someone that is completely unlike anyone else inside of that love. I guess the point is this.... even if I'm waiting for love (romantic) to find me, I can not be expecting it because any expectation at all can truly taint the awesomeness of what is possible. Instead, maybe it is best to look for the love that we should love everyone with and find someone that makes sense for us and someone we can trust and they can trust us.... Before Adam and Eve ate of the fruit they had no knowledge of good and evil and they were taken care of..... things were as they were and they had no shame..... I guess maybe if we completely close the idea of what romantic love is and isn't, it really will find us -- maybe long before we even realize it found us.... and that, quite possibly, is the scenario that would result in the best marriage ever -- a marriage with no expectations of what the other person should or shouldnt be but only expectation of commitment (ie. being faithful to that person and not cheating, etc). Labels: ***, family, friendship, marriage, relationships (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, April 10, 2007 |
Why the animals? Besides the fact that I love animals, they are about the only companions that I ever have.... I guess a lot of the same idea of what I explained in a post months ago (http://blog.bibleboy.org/2007/02/animals-dont-care-if-you-cant-have.html). I'm really down right now. I wish that there were people that would take an interest in me or that would be there to help me... I love being there to help people -- and I probably always will be.... and while it shouldn't matter, sometimes I really feel gypped because I don't believe that there is anyone that is there for me... but recently, I guess I'm realizing why.... I really don't feel like I have anything to offer anyone.... I just feel helpless and most of the time I just feel like I'm annoying people.... It adds to it when someone says "I can't do this or that because of _____" and then shortly after I see the same scenario play out with them and someone else where _____ doesn't matter.... To me, that is nothing more than proof that there is something wrong with ME and that every reason why someone doesn't want to deal with something or do something is only because I'm not worth that struggle -- but many others are. I truly believe that there are a lot of people that are worth waiting for and worth fighting for but as time goes by, I start to believe stronger and stronger that *I* am not one of those people -- there is nothing that makes me worth fighting for. I can help people with their computers and I can help people with aquariums but those are things that can easily be filled by lots of other people... if I'm gone, there is nothing lost because there is someone else that will fill that gap... I don't have anything that people would miss so that means that the flaws that I mean there is no point in even bothering. True, everyone else has flaws too but the difference is that they have something that would be missed if they were gone... but since I have nothing that would be missed, then the flaws can't be overlooked. Anyway, it's been a rough night for me.... I just want to sleep but for some reason I feel like there are some tears to occur before that. *sigh* Labels: depression, friendship, relationships (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, March 15, 2007 |
Tonight we were watching House and Lisa was hanging out on the back of the couch where she likes to be so she can look at everything going on.... tonight she did something that really made me smile.... after being on the back of the couch for a while she crawled down to sit on my shoulder.... which wasn't an easy task for her but she really wanted to be on my shoulder. Not only was it really cool that she wanted to be on my shoulder but that it was something she wanted bad enough to actually work for. Recently I have really been thinking about a lot of things.... ok, well, I am always thinking about things... but specifically I have been thinking about relationships. Relationships aren't easy and I believe they are designed that way because if everything was easy, we'd have no way of showing what we truly desire. If the slightest bump comes along in a relationship and someone just gives up, then it wasn't a relationship that they truly desired.... If a relationship really is worth something to you, then the hardest struggle that comes along can not keep you from fighting for what you truly desire..... If someone is worth enough to you, then you do all you can to be with that person. You do this because they are something that you truly want. Love can not be just a breeze because if it is, then there really is no point to it. You can't love someone without truly wanting to be with them or talk to them or at least do something to help them... there is always a want or a desire before love can be born... if you have love without a want or a desire, then it's most likely just a passing thing. You want someone because they have something to offer.... and in the most amazing relationships they have something that only you want.... something that sometimes can't even be explained. Recently my struggle has been with what it is that I have to offer someone. I love my job for a reason -- because I have knowledge of fish to offer to people. I talk to people every day about what is the best tank set up and what is best for their fish.... And people tell me they come back to our store because they can tell there is a passion behind what I tell them.... and they are right because I do have a real passion for fish. I also have a passion for seeing new technology implemented for people who are really helping others.... and I guess that's why one of the most important things I do is something I do for free -- volunteer at New Life. It's a passion of mine because I know that I am helping people that are really out there ministering to people that are hurting. But you ask what the struggle is? Simply -- what do I have to offer anyone in a relationship? People can tell me all they want that I'm attractive or that I'm an awesome person to be around but when that ends with those words and there is no desire then what's it really worth? The craziest thing is that the only times that I feel attractive are when people are trying to put me down. Just a little bit ago I posted the comments to a fark post where people really did a lot of putting me down... the truth is that those comments only made me stronger and feel better about myself..... It's a hard thing to explain but it is true.... but I still am left with the question of what do I actually have to offer someone in either a romantic relationship or even just in a friendship? The truth is that I may never really believe that I do have something to offer until someone makes the journey and really fights to be with me. If I'm worth taking risks for I don't want to just hear that I'm worth taking risks for -- I want someone to take those risks. Labels: ***, animals, desire, friendship, love, relationships (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Monday, February 19, 2007 |
I think some of it I probably am bringing on myself... I mean, I'm not the great person in the world... I have my share of sin and I guess to be honest, I don't deserve to live... thankfully, God's Grace covered that.... but I just have to wonder when (if ever) I will find that one person that I will know that I can fully trust to always care for me and that I will have the same ability to care for that person.... not just to be someone who is a great person until the next greatest thing comes but I want to be someone who is great in the eyes of someone else that no one greater can come along.... But then again, I'm setting the standards for myself too high, I guess... I'm not a perfect person so what do I have that would make me greater than anyone else in someone's eyes? With all those things on my mind, I don't understand how I still feel pretty relaxed... maybe it's because my physical body isn't giving me an option but to relax... these last few days have consumed quite a bit of me.... Labels: emotions, lonely, relationships, relaxed (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, February 11, 2007 |
One of the first things is trying, again, to figure out where my balance is. Over and over again I get screwed because Im entirely too nice. I will give and give until I have nothing left and then those that I give to are nowhere around when I need help with something. I need to learn to say no but my fear in that is that I end up compromising who I really am because I am really proud of who I am. The second thing that is really getting to me is how easy it is for people to let go of me. Its exceptionally hard because I really constantly feel like I'm not worth anything to anyone. I do, often, feel that if I died there would be no one that would miss me. So many people have actually made me feel like I was worth something and all of a sudden they just completely dissappeared.... Tiff, Kim, Ashley, etc, etc.... those are just the most recent ones.... Just dissappeared.... not even a message to see how I am..... Usually when people like that do come back it's not even a "hey, how are you?" but rather a "hey, could you (fill in the blank)?"..... I dont know.... I feel like a random idiot who just wanders around and makes no impact on anyone.... at least not positive.... *sigh* Labels: emotional pain, friendship, relationships (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Thursday, February 01, 2007 |
I'm finding myself more and more of a pet lover which is to be expected since I work at a pet store.... but there are some things going on in my head that's kind of questioning some things. I watch people come in to the store and spend lots of money on their pets.... heck, I do it myself.... Sometimes I wonder if Lisa is spoiled.... and at the same time, I wonder if Lisa is the replacement for something that I don't have in the human world.... I see how much the pet industry has grown and how much of a business it is.... and it is an honorable business -- at least as long as your respectable in the caring of the animals rather than a pure focus of making money. At the same time, there is no secret that our world is in a moral decay.... hurting people left and right.... broken friendships and relationships.... Maybe this explains the stereo typical "cat lady" who is a single woman who has no one around there except lots of cats.... The quote above is from an article in Psychology Today about Asperger's. It's basically a form of autism but I think what is really interesting is that people with Asperger's drift away from many "normal" scenarios simply because no one understands them and they fear being mocked -- often times, it's a learned response from people actually mocking the person. The thing that I find most interesting about Asperger's is that a lot of the symptoms paint a vivid picture of things that I think everyone is experiencing... and, at the same time, I recognize a lot of symptoms in my own brain that I think may be things that most people don't portray. Interestingly enough, many symptoms bleed into the ADHD classification. When God created man, He decided that man needed a suitable helper.... God created the need for friendships and He made us emotional beings who long for and need interaction with others. In today's world, we keep taking more and more focus off of people and putting it on things that really will not matter that much.... ultimately, we even take the focus off of ourselves and, before you know it, we are all caught up in how much money we're making or raising and how well we have done or how well our companies have done. Even those who make or raise money to help others seem to lose sight of who they are working for.... I think it's quite interesting that before God created woman, he brought all of the other species before Adam and found that none of them were suitable for him.... This means that the dogs, cats, birds, fish, etc that God brought before Adam do not Biblically meet our needs as companions. They *ARE* great companions and there is a lot of research that shows that pets are healthy to have.... but the important thing is that we do not REPLACE human interaction with our pets. .... It kind of makes me wonder if God has me in a pet store because it's a great collaboration of people who need help -- and people that I can connect with? Article Referenced: The Girl With a Boys Brain - Psychology Today http://www.psychologytoday.com/rss/pto-20061103-000002.html Labels: ***, animals, aspergers, autism, companionship, emotions, pets, relationships (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Wednesday, January 31, 2007 |
*** sometimes I think I know what someone is thinking and then they do something that counteracts that but I sometimes think it may be because I really do know what they are thinking and they just don't want me to know that I know what they are thinking sometimes I wonder if what I'm thinking is right and they counteract it because THEY don't want it to be true.... kind of like they are building their own reality *** *shrug* Labels: friendship, reality, relationships, thoughts (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Saturday, January 20, 2007 |
So this is a weird one.... not reading anything into it, but just writing it down because it's, well, odd.... So the dream was basically that Tiff was being attacked by someone and just some really weird things were going on and it seemed like a repeat of things that were going.... literally I knew what was going to happen next because I lived the situation one or two times before. I remember trying to do everything that I could to stop the inevitable from happening and at one point, I knew the time and day that Tiff was going to be killed. At this time, we were dating.... and I remember my parents screaming and yelling at me for trying to find a way to visit Tiff because they said I'd have plenty of time but they didnt realize that I knew she was going to die in a few hours. I ended up not making it in time but by time I got there, it was after the time..... but she was still alive.... didnt really know why but it apparently had something to do with something I was trying to do to protect her. When I saw her I really wanted to spend time with her but she didnt have any time, she said. I tried to figure out a time to visit her again and there was an excuse for everything.... eventually I had found out in my persistent questioning that she was dating 2 other people.... and lie upon lie came out of what she had lied to me about.... I drove away extremely upset and having no care whether I ever saw her again or not.... and being upset that I even bothered trying to help her. So the craziest part of this dream is because its a lot of the way I feel... I mean, I don't know that I've done anything to help Tiff in the time that I have know her but in a general way, this is the way I feel alot -- not specifically related to Tiff, however. I mean, it seems that I try so hard to help people and all I get in return is... well, lies - if anything at all. And, no, it is not neccesary to get something in return for helping someone... I don't believe that a single bit... the hard part is when you feel like there is no one there to support you -- which is a way that I often feel. And maybe that's why my parents in the dream were not supporting me in trying to see Tiff... it wasn't because they didn't care but more that they didnt understand that I knew something that they did not.... I needed to make a crazy decission because of the information that I had.... now, granted, my parents have always been greatly supportive of me but when it comes to friends and extended family, well, there is a lack of a support because of a lack of understanding. The worst part of the dream was the last part -- not caring if I ever saw Tiff agian.... which is sometimes how I end up feeling.... if someone hurts me really bad, I don't just give up but I seem to sometimes lose all care for that person.... giving up isn't a bad thing, rather good..... but the not caring part isn't a good thing.... I think that my heart continues to become cauloused no matter how hard I try to prevent it. It's like going into caverns and you see the tunnels and stuff and the top of the tunnels in many caverns need to be touched or eventually, they tunnels will start growing closed from the water moving the soil lower and lower.... and I guess that's the way it is with the heart .... if no one touches your heart it starts growing closed.... sure, maybe it makes the whole heart stronger but it closes the ability to let anyone see the true beauty of who you are. We need people to touch our hearts and be there for us -- if we don't have that, our hearts just naturally close. Labels: dreams, friendship, relationships, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Sunday, January 07, 2007 |
It's no wonder that we all walk around totally discouraged.... We're looking for something that we're just not going to find. The perfect car or the perfect house.... but the perfect car breaks down too.... just the same as the plumbing can be a problem in a house.... True, the newer the cars are or the houses are, the less problems there are -- but they build up over time and we eventually realize that they, too, are not perfect. If we put a huge amount of faith into those items then it's a huge let down when they do let us down. There is so much beauty in imperfection... and we miss that beauty because we're so caught up in in perfection that we miss the beauty hidden in that which is imperfect. A lot of people have always said to me about how finding someone exactly like you can create a huge problem.... Opposites attract.... and all that fun stuff. If that is true, and it seems like there is a good amount of truth to that, doesnt it seem logical that our idea of a perfect person is actually the worst possible person for us? Enough getting caught up in these rules and these checklists.... sometimes the connection is all you need... and the rest just seems to fit into place -- no matter how different the puzzle pieces may seem. Miracles do happen.... even if it means puzzles pieces morphing into different shapes. Labels: ***, miracles, perfection, relationships (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
Tuesday, September 30, 2003 |
Labels: relationships, tiff (C)2003-2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved |
(C)2008, Bob K Mertz - Some Rights Reserved
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